the one you can't repair

So, clear back in February, I analyzed a "magic-based" bit of spam that hit the blog. I figured, okay, weird, oddity, but it didn't happen again, so I went on with things.

And then...I got another one.

MY NAME IS Sharon Anderson FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS.

OMG STOP SHOUTING AT ME. Dear gods, lady. Lower the dosage.

I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS OR MAGIC UNTIL I MET THIS SPELL CASTER ONCE WHEN I WENT TO AFRICA IN JANUARY LAST YEAR ON A BUSINESS SUMMIT.

Also, it might be an idea to use a couple commas, here and there.

HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE'S GONE, LOST, MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.

Okay, still trying to parse this...Really powerful magic guy, check; will help to bring back the "misbehaving" lover, check (though it always confuses me why people seem to want "misbehaving" lovers back...); apparently, he can also bring back people who get lost? Or who just left, period...or, wait, did you mean "dead" again, for gone?

Ew.

I'M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS...

Still not happy with the shouting, but errr. You lived with a man for two years and he left you two weeks before the wedding? What the hell did you do?

I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB.

Then, frankly, good riddance. Tell him he can come back to you when he gets employed. Move on with your life.

SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED, SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY.

Um...good for you? I guess?

AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO TEXAS, MY BOYFRIEND(NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND HE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED

Gosh. Happy everything worked out.

And you're still shouting.

Now, the weird part of this, for a spam thing? What's missing from this all-caps nightmare thing?

Yeah. This is pretty much just "hey, trust this guy, he worked wonders for me..." without ever ONCE giving out an email address, website, or even the man's name.

What the hell, people?

Oh, and of note, for that sense of full morbid irony: I found another mention of this person, that led me to another address entirely. Seems our Miss "Sharon" goes to a university in Nigeria. And his name is David.

Why do people send me these things??