it's very easy to be brave with your good foot in the grave

So, a bit ago, a friend sent me this:

(from the bizarre album, it's another Evony clone!)

"Love can expel darkness!", the ad gushes. "Make love against the evils with her NOW!"

I'm pretty sure I'm behind the first statement, but the second?

So I looked into it. There's a website, and I found more artwork:

(from the bizarre album, and why am I not surprised that they're blonde and white?)

So, seems your standard armor-for-guys, lingerie-for-girls gaming experience, but I was already expecting something like this based on the initial ad text I was sent. But it gets stranger--according to DotMMO, it's a cumbersome, but they feel ultimately workable amalgam of other, more targeted games. Which ones? Well, there's a Farmville aspect to the game, there's a Civilization aspect to the game, and once players reach level 20, they can enter into a full-on Diablo-style dungeon crawl solo. There's also a social aspect to it that seems vaguely There-like, with hints of Facebook--there are menus you can pull up to click your friends' names, and go donate energy to their Trees of Life (I suppose in the fairly blatant hope that they'll turn around and do the same to the player). Advantages to having more friends in the game? More clicks on the Tree--and the more clicks on the Tree, the likelier it is to start handing out gold, in-game objects, and vouchers (which is WarTune's main tradeable currency).

It's a Chinese game, which doesn't necessarily mean it's bad, just be careful if you do play--but still, I think it's the first I've heard of where a game tries to combine casual gaming with RPG action and social media.

Meanwhile, in City of Heroes...

"Is that a sparkling bronzed bodybuilder in a speedo? Good grief, you must be going crazy. You're already seeing hallucinations! Time to lay off the shrooms."

This was the total bio for "Blue Ether", a level 39 Natural Peacebringer--powers are Luminous Blast and Luminous Aura, like all Peacebringers, with a fillip of Medicine for healing powers. But his outfit...well, see for yourselves:

(from the City of Heroes album. I have no words.)

Yeah. And he's calling me crazy.

Captain Video done went home, one pilot laid to rest

We are living in a world that its creators do not believe in. "What's the fuss all about?" they will continue to say. "It's just a different port." I mean, it's not like moving matters, it just means you're shifting to another server, right? It's not like you matter, either, right? I mean, you could still be you, in Second Life...or Ultima...or World of Warcraft...or...any other game, right?

I said that back in 2009. I still believe it. And as much as I hoped, and occasionally actually prayed, for things to improve regarding the Lindens and communication, the Lindens and faith in their own world...they haven't. The Lindens still profoundly fail at understanding the concerns of their own customers.

If it weren't so baffling, it would be absolutely tragic.

Because there were so many other ways they could have done this; yet the Lindens, again, chose the most divisive way to cause controversy in the Second Life community they could. Because remember: server. And place. They don't see the community we see, they see a bunch of game players, a bunch of customers of their product.

We see the communities we form. We see the bonds of family, friendship, love and business. We see the support people can provide for each other, and the world at large.

I said that in March of 2009, and I still don't think that's changed, three years later.

(from the media album)

Oh look! It's another Evon--wait, no, it's not. It's something called Call of Roma, and it's already getting heat because of the tacky advertising campaign.

But wait! It gets better! This is their sign-in screen:

(from the media album)

Yeah, makes you want to sing, doesn't it? Or hurt people. Sing or hurt people.

But hold on, the stupid doesn't stop there. Here's the tutorial wench:

(from the media album)

Granted, a 400 pixel presentation just won't make the text clear, but I thought this was important enough to help with that. This is what she's saying:

My noble lord, welcome to the world of Caesary! I'm Hypatia of AEgyptus, head of the Platonist school at Alexandria in 400 AD Roman Egypt. As a philosophy scholar and a teacher of all things, in the next 2-3 minutes, I'll walk you through a few basic steps on how to properly build and manage your own city. By following this simple yet powerful tutorial, you get a perfect start! Let the adventure begin!

Yep. Let's just count the inerrancies:

• That dress 
• That cleavage 
• The fact that she's assuming every player of this game will be male
• The way her lips are shiny and suggestively parted 
• The fact that the damned world is called Caesary, yet the game is called Call of Roma 
• The fact that she says she's from "400 AD Roman Egypt", instead of something more natural to her time
• That she claims to be a "teacher of all things" 
• That she claims to be a philosophy teacher beyond that 
• That, after claiming to be a philosophy and everything instructor, she's limited to instructing people in a game tutorial 

Am I being too picky? I don't think so:

(from the media album)

Now we've moved up to "Click here for sex". Perfect.

I rest my case.

when present tense gets strangled in the woes made of our future foe scenarios

I swear to you, my jaw has just dropped completely off my face. WHY, why why WHY do people do these things?!?

And "Because Skyrim" is no longer an acceptable answer!

So, a new Evony bracket-ad popped up on one of the sites I went to today:

(from the Games album)

So...granted, this is a composite image (noticed after the fact I hadn't quite lined everything up perfectly, argh) featuring both sides of the braced ad background. Understand that, even as wide as I could get my screen to display, I couldn't get both sides of the complete game name.

But does that really matter? It has the three signature focus points of nearly every Evony ad:

• breasts (see also this)
• revealing attire
• playing for free

The problem? Actually playing in the Evony game world, you never see the girls again. They're bait-and-switch for standard top-down castle tanking, like Lord of Ultima, save that Lord of Ultima never seduced anyone in by ads that indicate lots of semi-naked women calling players "My Lord" in breathy seductive voices.

And even worse? They weren't the first, they're not even close to the last--as competition, they've got War of Legends, AQWorlds, 8Realms, the aforementioned Lord of Ultima, Dragons of Atlantis, Illyriad, down to such low-tech 16-bit games like Castle Defender and Castle Wars--most of which are free-to-play, or planning on heading that way soon. (And believe me, there's tons more I'm not mentioning, because frankly, no one has that kind of time.)

And that's not even the worst of it--trying to game the lust quotient of young male gamers (they hope with money), as well as photomanips of stock porn models (I'd suspect without paying for the original shots, and no, that's been proven since 2009) and above everything else, is so closely modeled on Civilization that it used to be called Civony. The hell?

(Update: apparently LOCO will be giving Evony serious competition in the cheesecake ads contest. And, if you take a look at their trailer, it also seems like your prototypical Asian MMO--no explanation as to why some characters are made of boobs and others are [fairly] modest [but then again, they find a way to make that creepy, too]; no explanation for the hairstyles; no explanation as to why some swords are longer than the fighters using them and others are cartoons, even down to hair colors and spiky Sonic-hair protrusions. So we're back to the hell, people.)

Video game characters apparently fall into fugue states with great ease.

And there's another Marketplace fail, and this one is bizarre. "PE", just that, those two characters, changed a listing without a single hint of adult content into an adult-listed item. So what are the Lindens trying to prevent? "Penis"? Well, sure, but that's automatically an adult listing anyway. "Pee"? Okay, but that would also be understandable as an adult listing in the first place.

Anyone feel like testing if it's just 'pe' as a word part, or would it scotch other words? Like "pen", say? Or "pencil"? Or "peerless"? How about "pew" or "peril" or "pentacle" or "pendant"? How far does this go?

Apparently Congress now has the power to re-copyright public domain works. Yeah, I really have nothing to add to that that wouldn't be more baffling. This pairs rather unfortunately with

Russia wants to build a permanent moon base. I'm fine with this. Not only because we need to be in space--NEED! To BE! In SPAAACE! People, get on this--but because I've read so many dystopic future tales that feature a Russian moonbase. So to my way of thinking, it's another step towards...the FUUUUTURE!

I am sorry for the potential mental scars from these next links. I'll make them quick. First, the chibi Disney princesses, which scare me to death; then Disney-inspired (apparently) wedding dresses; and finally, Disney princesses of the Sith.

And I leave you with the "Dark Water" carpet collection. Yes please.