remember to breathe

I last posted in MAY?! Void stars, I'm losing my grip.

(Also, I still maintain Christianity would be on the rise if they listened to Reefer Madness's take...but I digress.)

So, what's going on? I am deeply delinquent on reviews. Events are opening at speed. It's getting darker, and I've forgotten what sun feels like on my skin.



In the meantime, a lot of thinking goes on when there's thinking at all, with intermittent static and snippets of strange commercials. But I'll try to do better about updates.

If I can.

(Oh, and this may be the first year in more years than I want to think about...where I don't cover Hair Fair at all. I have a lovely windblown long hair from Truth, and a starkly impractical, but beautiful, headdress from Azoury...and I only have those because a friend dragged me through one sim. So...yeah. Not getting that done is going on the pile with all the other things I'm not getting done.)

race to slip into whatever fits you

I know. I KNOW. It's a problem. I get it. I think I've worn a hollow in my back from the amount of times Ive been kicking myself.

Also, you ever have one of those moments where you suddenly realize why your online aesthetic (and, occasionally, RL aesthetic) is the way it is?



Ohhhh. That explains some things.

For the rest...still working on some things in the background, and trying to muscle the brain into the slightly less well-worn tracks of "this is what we're dealing with now" instead of staying on the very well-worn tracks of "if the train's going, then we're going to be just fine".

Nobody ever said you couldn't lie to yourself.

Which leaves us with the image I created, to use...somewhere. Might as well be here.

Let me preface this by saying, I'm not Christian. I don't care if people are; if people aren't; if people discard the whole faith question entirely. "Live your life the best way you know how, and don't hurt people when you can avoid it" has been my daily struggle for years now.

But, there is a point where my tolerance ends.



If any reader recognizes the notecards this maker is including in all products sold, or the text over the angle on the draped cross shot (seriously--are we supposed to buy that whomever shot this, shot it on their knees? Or that we're on our knees looking up?) with more exhortations to repent--well, I did my best to anonymize. But I have a huge problem with this.

And if this maker happens to notice this--hi, there. Happy you're happy and all, but getting the notecards and the cross photo in every single goddamn product box is draining to the extreme. Stop.

Because this? This is against your own friggin' religion, what is WRONG with you??

Think I'm kidding?

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.
~~Matthew 6:6-7, New King James Version

There are other passages, and there are some who say the four named "follower" chapters (plus the fifth, generally unacknowledged) are closer to fiction than "reality" (and...I'm sorry, that's just comedic gold there), and sure, there are points to be made. And I'm not even that fond of the New King James version, but what it lacks in congeniality, it usually makes up for with (at least fairly) unambiguous language at times.

This is why I make the distinction between Christianity and Churchianity. This is why I make the distinction between the faithful seeking fellowship, doing the best they can, and...well. EVERY SINGLE EVANGELICAL MORON OUT THERE. And yes, I did--and do--mean every single one, and a large segment of their congregations as well. If you're a preacher on stage, and you need a rock-arena level sound system so you can broadcast to the people one entire football field away from you--I'm talking to you. If you're a pastor who's exhorting your followers to buy you a private jet--I'm talking to you. If you're a mega-pastor who wants your congregation to front the bill for two, no, three, no, four private jets--I'm talking to you. If you're the guy onstage saying that "someone" should just round up all the gays and the transsexuals and put them in camps, or better yet, in graves, oh, you had best BELIEVE I'm talking to your ass.

And I have hit my limit. Do I like a lot of her designs? Yes. But they're all going into the trash, and from now, not going back to her store. If I have to make notes and buy the mesh templates and make my own to wear, I WILL DO THAT rather than deal with YOUR PUERILE BLEATING ON YOUR NEOPHYTE FAITH.

Or, to put it another way--if we're talking, and religion comes up, sure. Feel free to tell me. But if I'm just wandering through your store and you scream and tape a flyer on how cool Jesus is to my face--at the very least I'm walking out, if not walking away from the smoking hull of your firebombed parcel.

Done with it. Just done. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

starting 1st May, no bus will go here anymore

I can't find the thing.

Let me say that again, as it's vaguely important: I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE ONE OF THE PICTURES OF THE LAST THING I WAS GOING TO REVIEW. Worse? I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IN THE NINE HELLS IT WAS I WAS GOING TO REVIEW.

Add to that the frustration that I'm not already healed last week, getting a slight cold from the girl, local temps crashing, my own current dissatisfaction with my ability to Em...

Anyway. If nothing else, I needed to just get away from it all.



And tossing out the original review I had been planning entirely, whatever it was, and since I still haven't changed out of the outfit I was wearing two or three days back, I decided, we'll just pick something at random. Which turned out to be the "Elemiah" Illuminated Glass Halo from /Vae Victis\.



Also om nom nom broken bits.

I'm currently at the Snowbound hunt, looking for various baubles (in world, there's a glass ballroom with all the keys where you rez, or you can jump to Flickr for each maker's bauble color and number of prizes), and--of course and always--mourning my inability to buy Lindens. (Why is this such a constant state, Em? Oh, right, depression.) It ends January 21st, so a bit ouch if I don't get to things in time. Still. It's a pretty (and pretty crowded) build, overall.



And there's a train, so you know I'm happy. (Wrote that as "appy" first--and no, no, definitely not appy.)



But now I'm out of gingerdead coffee. Darn. Pepperminthe it is!

(Oh, by the way, if anyone feels like getting a belated gift card for coffee for yourself or a friend, or buying coffee for future me, even, Death Wish Coffee is a good one [I adore their Pumpkin Chai, it's just straight-up good spiced coffee, but their Dark Spirits Chocolate Rum Ball is also amazing]. If you're more into just good, unflavored coffee, Top of the Mornin' Coffee has a lot of really good blends--for dark roast lovers, I can't recommend their Midnight Oil blend enough. For fans of lighter roasts, give their High Noon a spin--that one's responsibly sourced, and organic! Also Dungeon Brew Coffee. [Looks like they have some of their Minty Magic blend still in stock.] I have a friend in Chicago [where one year his cat froze to his apartment window], so that tipped me to Hero Coffee, which bids to serve really excellent cups and donate to charity at the same time. And Many Worlds Tavern--they're not as stellar as Deathwish or Top of the Mornin', but they're good. And they're gamers, so occasionally they throw in dice! And I can't fail to mention Bones Coffee, because OMG, their White Chocolate Peppermint Bark is sooooo good, and I'm dying to try Sweet Tater Swirl, because--sweet potatoes? In COFFEE?!?)

(I'm not sponsored by any coffee company, just FYI. And I am far from a dedicated Q Grader. I just like coffee.)

Just for fun, I decided I wanted to see the minimum and maximum sizes in the halo. Here's the min:



And here's the max:



And it was so big I had to cheat a bit and raise my hover height to the absolute maximum, and then pull the camera way back, just to get it all in frame!



At any rate, I think that's about it. Grabbed a cup of hot chocolate from the next coffee shed I found, and have now found all five of the Winter Edition "Marbas" furs put out here. I'll be reviewing those soon, though at this point, with only one day left AAAAAAAH--you may have to hope to find the Marbas furs as a group gift later on!

come join the party in the dust and the sand

Oh, this one's going to be...fun...

Dear Ms. [name],

Oh, hi--am I not off your mailing list yet? I've told you twice, thanksbutno, take me off. Seems...not to have taken?

I want to have your name and intentions taken to Fátima for the 104th Anniversary of the most amazing historic event.

How...is that going to work, precisely? How can you take my name to a place?

Would you like that?

I have no idea. Why would I want that, again?

Click here [link given] to add "[name]" to the ANF banner in Fátima!

Ohhh, I get it now. You want to put my name on a banner. To take TO Fátima. Silly idea, but okay.

Yes, that is correct, on May 12th, the eve of the 104th Anniversary of Our Lady’s first apparition at Fátima, Portugal, our ambassadors will carry your name on the unique America Needs Fátima Banner during the Fátima celebrations and candlelight procession.

No thanks.

They will also present your intentions to Our Lady of Fátima on the exact spot where she appeared.

No thanks.

Join me and thousands more, by having your intentions delivered to the very spot where the Queen of Heaven appeared to the three shepherd children so long ago.

Sounds like a cash grab.

Though we have all been dealt a trying hand this past year, Our Lady has been with you and I every step of the way.

And as uncertain as the future looks for America right now, I know she will stay by our sides through it all.

She will never abandon her faithful children!

Good to know, but, thing is, I'm not actually Catholic? Sorry if you have that impression. I've tried to correct that by unsubscribing.

So, [name], what better way to thank her for her sweet maternal protection--nd lay our present difficulties at her feet--than to participate spiritually in the annual Fátima celebrations?

I can think of lots of ways. Most of them far more direct than carrying a banner with a bunch of names on it.

Click here to have your name added to ANF’s Banner carried through the Shrine of Our Lady of Fátima.

No, but good luck with that. Really.

Because you love Mother Mary so much,

That's assuming a great deal about me because once you offered a free scapular with the image of Mary of Fátima, and I accepted...

because you want her Immaculate Heart to Reign over all this troubled world and because you have supported ANF with your prayers and sacrifices in the past

Err, no, I paid you a pittance once to send me a rosary chaplet, because that was a bit nicer than the scapular, but I haven't paid you a single centime since--and won't, in all likelihood.

--for all these reasons, and more...

Right, we're back at cash grab again.

...I want to offer you this beautiful spiritual experience absolutely FREE!

The hell you say.

So what are you waiting for? Click here now [link given] and send your name and intentions to Fátima this May for the 104th anniversary celebration of Our Lady’s first apparition at Fátima, Portugal.

No, but thanks. I'm going to try again to get off this mailing list,

I remain your friend,
In Jesus and Mary,

Sure, whatever,

Robert Ritchie
Director, America Needs Fátima

I mean, look. As far as religious hucksters go, I don't think this group is entirely terrible, which is why I'm leaving their web page link in. They are operating from a prophecy from one of the children that says fairly clearly, world go boom unless Russia worships Mary. Which...no, on multiple levels, but I can see why they're invested.

But my sideline interest in Marian cults doesn't respond to this level of froth. I don't care if someone carries my name through the streets of Fátima. Why does it matter? It certainly won't matter to the residents of Fátima. It won't matter to the people carrying the banner. And it's certainly not going to be "FREE", as they said. There will be a fee for doing this, at some point, I guarantee it.

So no, thanks, I'm going to try to get off your mailing list again. Good luck with the world saving.

shined so bright this star's gonna burn out (part I)

DJ Verdant, he of the incomparably fun Wandering Star, sent out a notice that he'd be playing a set for the spring equinox. And fae were requested! Fauns specifically, but fae of any order, or whomever wanted to come--just come and dance.



So we turned out in a minor drove.



We all picked out spaces around the fire, and the dancing began.



DJ Verdant Homewood himself, spinning for the revelers.



So, I could have just included the pic after this, because right when I snapped this, the lass on the left whose wings I REALLY wanted to catch turned to the side...but it's still a fun pic, I'm going with it.



And those are her wings full on, with the eye spots.



And we wheel around to another side of the fire. I'm the little thing on the right!

(Part II coming soon!)

drive until you lose the road, or break with the ones you've followed

Thorvald Ragnarsson, the Gothi and owner of Thorvaldshavn, has been working on a revised calendar of Norse holidays and feast days, that steps away from some of the "traditional" (id est, "accepted" for the last few decades) Ásatrú holiday set. Partially, he wants something closer to how historical Nordic peoples worshipped, in their daily lives; partially, this is because Ásatrú is largely based in Icelandic reconstructed traditions, and his people hail from Norway.

But it's taken him several months to get this far, and he's given me permission to post this initial draft. This is his rundown for 2021, using the moon cycles of the Gregorian calendar, because they're slightly more accurate than the Julian.

(Also understand this is a calendar year designed to take into account the days and solar tilt of the lands centering on Norway, and not the world as a whole. Depending on where one is in the world, it will affect when these days start and end.)

2021 Moon Cycles of the Gregorian Calendar Year

Nàttleysi ( Nightless Days; Summer)

New Moon	11 April

New Moon	26 April	Harpla

New Moon	11 May

New Moon	26 May	Skerpla

New Moon	10 June

New Moon	24 June	Sólmánuður

New Moon	9 July

New Moon	23 July	Heyannir

New Moon	8 August

New Moon	22 August	Tvímánuður

New Moon	6 September

New Moon	20 September	Haustmánuður

Skammdegi (Short Days; Winter)

New Moon	6 October

New Moon	20 October	Gortmánuður

New Moon	4 November

New Moon	19 November	Ýlir

New Moon	4 December

New Moon	18 December	Mörsugur

New Moon	12 January

New Moon	28 January	Þorri

New Moon	11 February

New Moon	27 February	Gói

New Moon	13 March

New Moon	28 March	Einmánuður

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Average dates of the Solstices and Equinoxes:

Spring Equinox:

20 March

Summer Solstice:

20 June

Autumn Equinox:

22 September

Winter Solstice:

21 December

Lunar Month Length: 29.5 days
Lunar Year Length: 12.38 months

NORSE HOLIDAYS:

(The rest are largely still sourced from Ásatrúar holidays; some of the names and dates may change, some will remain. They're listed because they're mostly the wheel of the year that is celebrated in Nordic recreationist faiths.)

Þorrablot: or Husband's day, it was celebrated on the first day of Þorri in honour of all husbands and fathers. It was held in honour of Thor and of course, the winter spirit of Thorri.

Góublót: also known as "Wife's day", it took place on the first day of Gói in honour of all mothers and wives. It’s also a celebration of the end of winter.

Sigurdsblót: the first day of Harpa. A day to celebrate the beginning of Summer and the victory of light over darkness. Offerings to Freya were made during this festival.

Mid-Summar: a common festivity in many cultures, it was the celebration of light, fertility and music.

Alfarblót: the first day of Winter. It celebrates the last harvest of the year and it’s also associated with the goddess Freya. This festivity was celebrated in the privacy of each home, as opposed to the others and it was lead by the women of the house.

Jól or Yule: a festivity associated with the Wild Hunt and Odin and the predecessor of the modern Christmas celebrations in northern Europe.

Dísablót: the exact day of this celebration is unclear, some sources say it was held at the beginning of winter, others at the end of it or it might have been celebrated on both, actually. This festival honoured all the female figures: the disir (the female spirits of protection and fertility), goddesses, ancestors and other female figures of the Norse lore.

NORSE FESTIVAL DATES:

Disting or Disablot (February 2nd): a celebration of new beginnings and preparation of the land for planting.

Sigurdsblot (End of March): Sacrifices for prosperous harvests at the beginning of planting season.

Midsummar or Midsummarblot (June 21st): The date of this celebration can vary a little bit if you decide to do it on the actual Summer solstice. Bonfires, traditional music and the burning of corn dollies take place to celebrate the brightest time of the year.

Frey Feast or Freysblot (August 1st): Thanks giving for the fruits of the first harvest of the year. A loaf of bread is baked as an offering to the goddess Frey.

Fall Feast or Haustblot (September 23rd): this festivity falls on the Autumn equinox, so the date may vary a bit if you celebrate it on the actual astronomical event. It honours the second harvest of the season and it’s the time to gather food for the upcoming winter months. It's also a time to reflect on what we have achieved and to be thankful for what the Earth has given us.

Winter Nights or Vetrnaetr (October 31st): The end of the harvest season, which meant that it was time to use the meat of the farm animals and start hunting. It's also a night to reflect and honour ancestors, as well as the goddess Hela. The veil between the worlds is thinner during this night, so it's also a good time to do some divination for the year ahead.

Yule (December 20th-January 1st): the most important of all Norse holidays, it has a duration of 12 nights, starting on December the 20th. The darkest time of the year symbolizes the beginning and end of all things and it is when the gods and goddesses are the closest to Midgard. The dead return to Earth to share feasts with the living, but other magical creatures run freely at this time too, so be aware!

Please keep in mind that like many other things in Viking culture, some 'educated guesses' are made concerning the Norse culture.

=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=

There's more to come, I'm sure. The names of some festivals may change; Thor's doing a great deal of research into the oldest mentions of feast days and festivals he can find, and who knows? Before he's done he may have a name for this reconstruction, and a book on how to worship. It would not be the first time a random thought led to a revolution, or a revelation.

I'm fascinated to see where this is going to go.

I gotta hunt you, I gotta bring you to my hell (part II)

(Continued from the last part.)



Well, drawing the circle out and activating it did do one thing--it shrunk the rift significantly. So that's not all bad.

So let's see...been a while since I went back to the basics...I'm no longer, strictly speaking, a practitioner of the Gnostic forms, but they are familiar, and I can call them without too much in-depth thought.

"I face North, and the thing to be banished. Oraiael, Aphreudasos, Armedos, Arros, guard me and mine to the North. I send out the red light of truth."

It's coming back. good.

"I face West, and ask guardians to watch from this direction. Daveithe, Laraneus, Epiphanios, Eideos, I call upon you. Guard me and mine to the West. I send out the azure light of strength."

I was beginning to wish I'd picked another outfit other than pink-dotted ruffles and pink pumps, but...it's not really about the outfit, is it? The single best invocation I ever heard was by a guy in Texas who stood up in jeans and a t-shirt, turned to the four directions, said "Hey. It's me. Come on in..." And that circle LOCKED into place, strong as steel. It was amazing.

"I face South, and ask guardians to watch from this direction. Eleleth, Kodere, Epiphanios, Allogenios, guard me and mine to the South. I send out the green light of life."

Really, at the end of the day, it's about intent, not trappings. I like the formality for some ritual work, but it's really not necessary. What works for one practitioner doesn't always work for another, and that's no bad thing. Everyone has their own way to work.

"I face East, and ask guardians to watch from this direction. Harmozel, Orneos, Euthronious, Mazzareus, I call upon you. Guard me and mine to the East. I send out the yellow light of intention."

So...what was the last bit again?

"I kneel at the center, and ask guardians to watch inside and out. Aeon of Aeons, guard me, cover me in white light. Sophia, guard me, drape me in blue light. Gamaliel, guard me, drape me in orange light. Samlos, guard me, drape me in indigo light. Jibrīl, guard me, drape me in violet light. Abrasax, guard me, drape me in your shadows."

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale...Draw the signs, remember the protections.

"Iao, Barbelo, Pigeradamas, Christos, Sophia, amen. In nomine Matri, et Patri, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti...amen."

That should do it.



Tch. And Enoch slept through the whole thing. Some heir to the mage's throne you are. Sheesh.

But it should hold for now. It's patchwork, make-do, I can work up stronger, more permanent things later. And we do have that move coming up, to Gearhaven Prime, from Gearhaven, Armada, and Carcosa-adjacent, so...maybe we'll leave the rift here.

Could be worse.

and here we stand, the sweet arresting duality

(Light roleplay entry.)

The uplift is complete.



Also, there's something mystical and lovely about dancing with a group of known pagans, heathens and atheists, whose sole intent is to dance, chat a bit, and leave all the nonsense behind in a very accepting, mellow setting. I'm really starting to like the Wandering Star.

At any rate..."On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." SNAKES, apparently.



No, it's only Christmas today, actually, and no one had to give me evil snakes, they come with the territory. In this case, the territory being the snowy moon of Haven. And I'm the idiot who decided tromping around in the snow looking for ores to sell was a great idea.



Get away get away get AWAY! I thought the "Anti-Arc" was supposed to keep them off me!



Did I also mention Haven has feral wolves? That will attack if I get close enough? Note how I'm not getting close enough.



Oh, great, now there's two snakes near me! Find someone else to harass!

Also, I am curious--did this particular wolf suffer an injury? And someone patched up the leg, and wrapped it in jolly holiday red? Why??

In other news...



I put a dance floor in Gearhaven's garden. Right now, it's not scripted to do anything but rotate, but I'm fond of it.



And NuTanis is coming along swimmingly.

To that end--the Gearhaven end, not the cyber-city end--we may have to delay the first Gearhaven prize. We'd targeted that for somewhen in January, and we may still be able to, but the holidays have proven busier than expected, plus, the Duke's planning at least a "soft" open for Gearhaven in January. We've had some time to discuss potential candidates, so there are names in the hat, it's just...time, and availability, and lack of holiday stress...it's...somewhat daunting.

through the trees I will find you, I will heal the ruins left inside you

Announcement came over the wires, that new favorite find of mine, the Aruba Deep merfolk, was holding a Druid ritual circle. Really? I was intrigued. Dress requested was tribal, or ritual, and I figured I'd rather wear something more or less resembling ritual gear, than leather and furs; nothing wrong with the latter, I just wanted a different look. And time ticked down until the ritual, where I ported in to a ton of people holding torches. Fun.

[11:59] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx: ready [jxxx] ?
[11:59] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: aye!
[12:00] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx: ok lets go

The ritual itself was simple and effective, and after that, the circle dance began. All the pictures for this entry were taken during the dance.

[12:01] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx shouts: I light this fire in your honour Mother Goddess. You have created life from death, warmth from cold.
[12:01] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx lights the left incense with the torch, waiting to see the smoke curl. Leaning over, she lights the right one, smiling to see it burn.

Faces old and new, familiar and never glimpsed before, spun with me around the central fire.

[12:02] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx: Since the beginning of time, we have gathered in this season to celebrate the rebirth of the Sun. On the Winter Solstice, the darkest of nights,
[12:02] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx: The Goddess becomes the Great Mother and once again gives birth to the Sun and the new yearly cycle,
Bringing new light and hope to all on Earth.

The torches were an interesting touch. Some brought walking or working staffs. Some wore modern clothes, some wore bones and beads, but we all shared a purpose.

[12:02] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: On the longest night of winter,
and the dark night of our souls,
[12:02] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: there springs the new spark of hope,
[12:02] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: the Sacred Fire, the Light of the World.

Curses, I was caught taking pictures! Though the thought does occur--how was I caught? I guess he's just that good.

[12:03] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: We gather tonight to await the new light.
[12:03] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: On this night, the Maiden, who is also Mother and Crone, prepares to welcome the Sun.
[12:03] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx: Let's now prepare to welcome the new light within.

The fellow behind Aruba Deep surprised me again--in addition to human and merman, he also does a fair imitation of Herne. Considering my other favorite new find, the Wandering Star, is a genial pagan club, and its owner and main DJ, Verdant Homewood, is a perpetual horned satyr...

Okay, Horned One, I'm listening. I thought you stopped talking.

[12:03] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx takes the sprig of mistletoe, cut that day in the sacred grove, and places it on the fire, raising her arms, she invokes the blessing:
[12:03] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx shouts: The Sun lives once again, the time of light is waxing.
We invite you, Great Mother, to our circle.
Bring us new light, the light of your glorious Son."

And Crim Mip was the DJ again for this event, and it was the first time I'd seen him human. Interesting. He played a great set for the event, too--everything from Omnia, XTC and Jethro Tull to Spiral Dance, Nox Arcana and the HU. Impressive.

[12:04] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx turns, smiling to the people gathered, opening her arms wide to them all, "Come, let us dance in celebration of the Light!"
[12:04] Jxxxxx Kxxxxx smiles wide
[12:04] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx shouts: ok lets dance
[12:05] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx: please join the circle

And dance we did, welcoming the return of the virtual sun at least, which is prelude to the RL celebration for me, in a few days. Still, it felt good. Even dancing on virtual earth reaffirms our connection to earth, sea and sky. I was glad I went.

And remember...

said you'd give me light, but you never told me about the fire

Have TIME's list of the one hundred best fantasy books of all time. How many have you read?

In other news, I got one of those random things I get now and again, this one pushing a DNA service. So I hit the link to what I thought was the entry I'd mentioned them in? Only...it was a WHOLE PAGE of entries. FROM 2007.

And...I'd honestly forgotten how much fun our Lord and Savior, Stiv, was.

But the point was--there was a point--I had to read through all the entries to find the one they mentioned--which, by the way, didn't even mention the actual site with ancestral records they wanted me to mention, just old (and now missing) web tests they used to have many, many updates ago--and to get there...

2007 was...that year had a lot of pain. A lot of loss. The vampire. The Raven. The lad from the east. My Naruto-haired neko boy...and of course, of course, the gods-be-damned incubus, and did I need to read through any of that again?

No. I did not. But I felt it was my responsibility to track down the right entry, to make the correction if it mattered, and now...

Now I'm just depressed.

Tragic histories make for great backstories, but they don't make for good nostalgic reflections, I'll tell you that. But there. There's your "correction", since it doesn't really fit with what was going on in that entry from thirteen years back...and now I'm shuttering the look into past history again, because I have far too many good things happening at present to dwell. No more mourning for those who will never come back, bceause even if they did, I wouldn't take them back...and they might not even want me back, as I have changed a great deal within that decade-plus.

And I'm mostly happy with the changes. And I have most definitely moved on. In so, so very many ways...

be my savior and I'll be your downfall

Where is the line drawn between social niceties and respect? Or, more importantly, I suppose, between standing our ground and not giving offense? Some days, it is a fine, fine line indeed.



It was a Sunday, and I'd heard that the priest on the island, who'd left for some reason I don't recall, had returned to host his usual Sunday service. Now, to be fair, the church is on the smallish side, clapboard, it really could be any Christian denomination. And while heathen, I'm in one multifaith group and occasionally go to their services, because they are geared for gatherers of many faiths, not just one.

And...I just didn't think it through.



It turned out to be a very small church inside, too. Lovely, simple, but small. I suppose on an island of only a triple handful of souls, so far, there's not really a need for a larger church, but I was still surprised, I suppose.

I was also surprised at the priest. Catholic? Anglican? I thought Anglican, but I wasn't sure.



Slowly the church filled, the father smiling, saying he was happy to see so many new faces. The vampire who's not a vampire walked in holding a Bible, which was...confusing....but the shared mythpool we all swim in is very diverse at this point, and very deep, and has a lot of underground, confusingly tangled passages. We all do what we can.



The new tattoo artist came in, which I smiled to see, and then her also confusingly heighted daughter...I think I stopped smiling at that point. Mainly because she claims to be three, but she's easily four feet tall, or more, and...I've never met a single three-year-old who's that tall. So it threw me.

A few more filtered in, and then the service started, and...Listen. I have attended Christian church services before. I've attended Catholic services before. I have accepted the Eucharist in good faith, blessed myself with holy water as I left, and had no issue.

But it's all in how it's presented. If it's just an invitation to come up, or the Eucharist (or in this case, piece of bread) passed to me? I can accept. Willingly. But if it's made very very plain that to accept this small offering, this sip of wine, is to directly intercess with Jesus, to directly ask him to accept your devotion, as you accept his sacrifice...Well. That's different.

And in those cases...I cannot, in good conscience, accept.

The priest moved through the group, offering bread, offering wine, and I knew I was going to be the stand-out, but I also knew I could not simply accept. So, when he got to me, he held out the cup, and the bread, saying "Body of Jesus, broken for you; blood of Jesus, shed for you."

I looked at him, smiled, and shook my head. "Thank you, though."



He stood there for a full minute, looking dumbfounded. I did, I do sympathize, but isn't the point of Catholic, or even Anglican, which I still suspect this was closer kin to being, Communion supposed to be that you are directly consuming the body and blood of Christ to sustain you spiritually, and reinforce your bond with Him? That--at least with the Catholics--your act of faith will transform these representations into the actual flesh and blood?

Which has always been vaguely creepy to me, but that's another matter. As it stands, I don't have a direct relationship bond with Christ, so...only polite to politely refuse.

He handled it well, though. He raised his hand, saying "The Lord bless you and keep you," and I smiled up at him, because blessings I will always take. There, it is the thought that counts, and I never mind.

He finished, and returned to the pulpit, ensuring that all of his flock--but one--had finished communion, and then he thanked us for coming.

"We thank the Lord for the blessings he has given us with our new visitors, bless you all," he said, as we began to file out. I paused at the door long enough to turn and to thank him for his time and devotion--only fair, and then...



...I went back to Lecora.

I likely won't attend another Sunday service. But I do wish everyone who does feel pulled strongly towards one all the best.

set fires to my forest, and you let it burn

(Note from the Editrix: Because these are mounting, sadly, I'm going to start generally indicating when they were written, as opposed to published. This one is from later on the 23rd of July.)



it lay buried here, it lay deep inside me
it's so deep I don't think that I can speak about it
it could take me all of my life
but it would only take a moment to
tell you what I'm feeling

Any port in a storm, when applied to churches, only works occasionally. This one, for instance--I won't go out on that limb and say it's been desanctified, but...there are skulls on the altar.

Still, at this point, holy places may not help, as I've already said. I may be on my own, so if the church is already empty, so much the better.



but I don't know if I'm ready yet
you come walking into this room
like you're walking into my arms
what would I do without you?

Too much baggage all around, I think. The revelations I didn't get in time, the yes-but-no nature of things, the fact that telling my dominant all of this didn't surprise him. The slight--and it is slight, but present--portion of resentment at that, that he didn't think about telling me.

On the other hand, would I have listened? Oblivious girl is oblivious at times, it's been pointed out more than once.



take away the love and the anger
and a little piece of hope holding us together
looking for a moment that'll never happen
living in the gap between past and future
take away the stone and the timber
and a little piece of rope won't hold it together

That's never a good sign. How long has the construction been going on? Reminds me of some of my projects.

Rather like this one. I fully expected this would be a few entries and some deep breathing, and off to the next thing. Over one month later...is this one here to stay? Does it have to?



if you can't tell your sister
if you can't tell a priest
'cos it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
to anyone
and you tell it to your heart?
can you find it in your heart?

Still working through things. Always working through things? Gods, I hope not, that would be beyond depressing. And in the curious position of no longer feeling like I'm stagnating in place, which is a positive, but instead, I'm moving so slowly at times that I might as well be standing still. I am moving, that much I know, but by how much and for how long, I have no idea.

And the dreams are back. Dear gods, the dreams are back.



to let go of these feelings
like a bell to a Southerly wind?
we could be like two strings beating
speaking in sympathy
what would we do without you?
two strings speak in sympathy

Of course the water tower says "TURN BACK". But turn back from what, at this point? We're already here. I'm not turning around and reversing.

But as said, I'm walking forward so slowly...am I avoiding the next signpost? Is there one? Or maybe I'm still just tired.



take away the love and the anger
and a little piece of hope holding us together
looking for a moment that'll never happen
living in the gap between past and future

I should know this by now--the large glass vial of mysterious liquid that says "DEATH" on the label, and invites me to sit? Never a good idea.

But then, that's the thing about impulsiveness--our state changes before we realize. Air to liquid, liquid to solid, solid to plasma, over and around again. If we don't stop and think at times, we could miss it.



take away the stone and the timber
and a little piece of rope won't hold it together
we're building a house of the future together
(what would we do without you?)

[07:32] [Hotel Dysphoria] Uppity Concierge whispers: Are you sure that you're at the right place, because I am certain you are not.

Tad rude, innit? And don't think I don't see that knife behind his back.

He'd have to reach me to stab me, though, and he's moving less rapidly than I am.



well, if it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
just remember to reach out and touch the past and the future
well, if it's so deep you don't think you can speak about it
don't ever think that you can't change the past and the future
you might not, not think so now
but just you wait and see, someone will come to help you

And back on the shore, staring at flotsam the tide brought in, wondering what happens next. Trying not to overthink, and overthinking; trying not to cling tight, and just let things go; trying not to care, and well...that one is profoundly backfiring. Which, to be frank, I knew it would, but you know, I had to make the attempt.

Slowly piecing together the shape of the decision. And maybe that's why I'm moving so slowly--I don't want to reach it, and have that discussion, because...I think either way it goes it's going to hurt, at this point, and...I'm just so tired of hurting.

(Pictures taken at Delta Harbor, Styxx City, N8sun, Red's Mystery Shack, Hotel Dysphoria, Cabot Cove and Tiny Isles Lighthouse. Lyrics are from Kate Bush's Love and Anger.)