Sunday, June 10, 2012

you said you'd always be here

And days like these, nights like these, I wander, unsettled and ill at ease. Unsteady in my skin, and contemplating both love and loss, and the dividing line between.

(from the loss album; on the ramparts in the Elven Forest)

Seeking balm for spirit, I sought out the trees, but the trees' peace was difficult to find.

(from the loss album; reclining on a mushroom at Alurel)

I strayed from paths that brought company, kept my own counsel, and wandered, wandered. Far from places I'd been before, seeking answers I do not have, for questions I dare not ask.

(from the loss album; exploring the ruins of the Lost World)

I wandered through ruins older than memory, but younger than pain. The night air was cool on my skin, the sound of the waters soothing, but still my peace eluded me.

(from the loss album; dancing in the tall grass in Dark Muse Forest)

I danced under the moon, concealed by waving fronds, listening to them whisper and giggle in the evening's chill. I danced with eyes closed and thought of you.

(from the loss album; under the covered bridge in Dark Romance)

Moved and discomfited, I sought sun and life, then hid from both under a covered bridge. I listened to the river laugh and thought of you.

(from the loss album; crystal-gazing in Sopor Aeternum)

I cast my fortune on the gypsy's table, and saw nothing but the reflection of my own scattered thoughts. The candle-flame danced as if mocking me, and I moved to leave it behind.

(from the loss album; spinning in the doll box in Sopor Aeternum)

I contemplated the doll, and departures, and the reclaiming of things. How long until I can. How long until I want to. How much patience people will have with me along the way.

(from the loss album; watching the world cry in the Forest of Tears)

I watched the tears of the world fall, and contemplated loyalty, love and survival.

(from the loss album; posing with the cranes by the water's edge in Welsh Rainbow)

I decided to seek sun again, and spent time imitating the cranes in the echo of Wales. I tried to listen to the universe and interpret what I'm being told. Some days it is very hard to hear. Yet again, I fear I am getting in my own way.

(from the loss album; hovering by the Celtic cross in Welsh Rainbow)

my body
is walking in space
my soul is in orbit
with God face to face
floating, flipping
flying, tripping
tripping from Potsville to Starlight
tripping from Starlight to Moonville...

Sometimes we simply need another perspective. Sometimes we need to be shocked out of our safe spaces, and forced to contemplate things in the larger world. Sometimes we need to get out of our own heads. Unfortunately, I think I've taken far too many shocks this year, so my instincts tell me "hide and rest" over "fight and change".

Maybe I should work on that.

(from the loss album; musing in the poppies at Dark Moon)

In the rainforest I found ruminations:

"Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed."
This is taken from Epictetus' "Enchiridon", and I think I must ponder on it for some time. While I have restraints, I shall have to think on whether they fall into the first or second category.

(from the loss album; mourning in the poppies at Dark Moon)

I sat and thought until thought had lost meaning, and found no better conclusions than what I knew when I began today's journey. There are no answers, yet, because the questions still don't bear thinking about. I cannot find resolution if I'm afraid of the possibilities.

And I am afraid of the possibilities.

(from the loss album; waiting in the poppies at Dark Moon)

But I am here. I am here. Fearful, and weak, and scared, but here. Worried, but here. Anxieties mounting as expected, my own mind torturing me with what-might-be and never what-actually-is...but here. Here. I am here.

As alone as I feel at times, I am here.

And I am still loyal to your cause. I am still yours. And I will wait for news, and hope it comes soon.

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