did you just say you're finished? didn't know we started

So...hey...

I still haven't fixed the blog, beginning to despair of that happening before 2027...and I might have enough images formatted and linkable from the "Lillith's Thorns" Medici Collar shoot; and I am going to review what I can long-distance, but...that will be the last with shots of me. (Though, won't lie, tempted to see if I can inveigle Justine and/or Lucifer as models. Haven't asked yet, it's just idle pondering for the moment.)

Why? Well, because my comp's power supply toasted. Rotten timing. We're trying to see if we have enough to get one this month; if we don't, it may mean February--or longer--



AND I AM ALREADY LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND--

But it's okay. I will get through this.It is going to be mental updating every thing from my phone, though.
Oh, and for all the (non-American) friends who've asked:



All caught up? Fab. Because 2026 is shaping up to be a razorblade rollercoaster of psychopathy!



Indeed.

made your mistakes and make me hurt

yes it's been forever since I've updated and my blog has been broken longer and I GAVE UP finally and went back to the old layout and I'll probably change my mind again and aaaaaaaahhh--

Reviews coming of very many things. No, really.

Stop laughing.

In injury news...



The orthopedist tells me the bone healed clean. Now, I just have to deal with the double hamstring injuries, which...now that we know what's going on...are s l o w l y starting to heal.

(I, of course, am being my usual relaxed, accepting, fully meditatively serene sort...which means I'm not resting as often as I should, pushing to walk more often than I should, and only elevating the legs at night, so...THAT'S going to work, yeah. Go me.)

So--things are going well! Or horribly. Maybe horribly well! Who knows?

I lost my power in this world, and the rumors are flying

(This is the first entry that was intended to be read after this one, published on the 20th, but it was written on the 19th.)

I wonder if I have an all-black Kemono skin. This feels like an all-black growing mood.



listen to the wind blow
watch the sun rise

Turns out I do. So...here we are.

The sweeping joy, then the jagged, crushing descent...and the stunned question circling through the sharks by the shore.

"That's it?"

I am still so screwed here. Or...not, as the case may be.

Dark desert highway, skin still itching for touch no matter what skin it is, and still feeling very, very small. Waiting for these things to change. Not sure when they will.

Not sure if they will.



run in the shadows
damn your love, damn your lies

On the far end of the rift I have more understanding, more frustration, more pain, more confusion. More more more when ideally, I want less. Ah, but a constant truth of the universe is we don't always get what we want.



and if you don't love me now
you will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
you would never break the chain

And there is a large part of my heart that's still raging. I was promised two weeks. I was given two days. Two days to force adaptation of any kind, at least enough to continue to function.

Is that breaking a promise, or reconsidering the timeline? Does it matter at this point? Did it matter before?

Am I just needlessly brooding?



listen to the wind blow
down comes the night
run in the shadows
damn your love, damn your lies

Because yes, part of that is my brain trying to find a way for that prototypical last time, hated though such things are, just in case it would be, and...then there was no time left. There were no days left. There were going to be no times, last or otherwise, again.

And did that break a promise, or just break me?

After all, doesn't matter how many corners I can think around if the building was demolished. No corners left.



break the silence
damn the dark, damn the light

You know, it's somewhat ironic. The last serious rift I had with someone--well, all right, the last before the actual last, but the last shocked more people than just me--I was instantaneously blamed by the other party. That was a situation where I knew I'd been in the wrong for not speaking up, but everything else could, and still can, absolutely be laid at his door. It took some back and forth recriminations, and far more angry words than probably either of us wished for, to finally convince him of that. I bear part of the blame, I accepted that, accept that; but he bore the brunt of it.

Which, in all honesty, he probably didn't want to hear, but...it was true. Though it's also true that he was hurting, he was confused, he was angry...and no one's at their best in that state. Trust me, I know.



and if you don't love me now
you will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
you would never break the chain

And...now here. I have gone from thinking that it was mostly that other heart's fault, to seeing we were equally at fault, to thinking it was entirely my fault, and each place I've stopped to decide has felt like the "real" truth of the situation. I look back on the past few weeks that feel very much like railing at fate, with a strong coat of unfairness, injustice, and general unkindness, save...I was there when all this went down. No, I didn't come up with the idea, that was someone else, and I was, still am, shocked to my core when the ban was proposed, but--I was aware of it. I didn't like it, I was hurt by it, I was confused, and baffled, and horrified...but--at least as explained to me then--I agreed.

Maybe I was wrong to agree. But I honestly do not believe, wrong or right, that there was ever a chance to say, hey, sleep on this a bit, okay, decide tomorrow, decide the next day, because...that is not my place here. I did ask why several times, but I knew the answer wouldn't change.



you would never break the chain
(never break the chain)

So my choices now seem to be...apart from very, very limited...very conflicting. Can't have the man, can't stand to walk away, and the indecision is killing me. This is perfect crazy-making territory, I know it, I do realize, but it seems like that's the only choice left too. So I guess I just accept I'll be crazy for a while?

How do I accept that?

Did this break me, or was I already broken and only thought I healed?



(chain, keep us together)
run in the shadow

And it's not the sex. That's not the issue. There are those in my life who thought it was--there's one who is still loudly proclaiming I'm a sex addict--but in any iteration of reality, sex is not that difficult to find.

That sense of connection, though, for lack of a better term. That's the difficult bit. I can sleep with people I just like, it's fun--and occasionally pays rent--but that...click...that's more rare.

(chain, keep us together)
run in the shadow

It took me a while to turn down enough static around everything to hear it, but that is what I miss. And I say that even knowing that's still there, because--it's not the same. It's still that half-recognition, half-novelty of feeling personalities mesh, only now, one side's strained, and limping, and flinching every time that click kicks in.

And it's not him. No, no, it's still clearly me.

(chain, keep us together)
run in the shadow...

And I'm back to feeling like I'm standing in the center of all commotion, screaming until my vocal cords strip, bleeding because I can't figure out how to stop it, and as goddamned usual everyone around me thinks I'm asking if they prefer Earl Grey or Darjeeling.

I hate it and I can't stop it and I have been here too many times and why again? Why again?

I know why, and I don't know why, quixotically. But neither the knowledge nor the confusion resolves anything. All I know is, I can't do what I want in either direction, and I don't know where to go from here.

I just...don't.



And the one new piece of information that was gently impressed upon me is that I am not alone in this. Which is both balm and bane, frankly. I don't want to be alone, and I have felt very alone most of the time, these past few weeks, and I desperately do not want to feel that alone, but...I don't want anyone else I care for to feel this, either.

The lifeline is made of braided silk and nettles, and I can't figure out if I should hold on tighter or let go and run away. Either action will hurt.

*sighs*

These things I know. These things are inviolate. If nothing else can be relied upon, I can rely on these, for whatever value they hold.

• I am still on my dominant's collar. There has been zero indication that that is ending.
• I am still trusted. Gods alone know why, but when absolutely everything goes dark, that has been the sole, distant flicker of light. I am still trusted.
• I refuse to give myself new scars over this. I am done with that.
• I have love in my life, from more than one direction, and if I stop spinning long enough, I will see it.
• I haven't done anything else irretrievably stupid beyond what caused the ban in the first place.

Some of these things are...very small things. But when the Tower collapses, sometimes you build it back up stone by stone, or pebble by pebble if that's all that can be found.

So. I've said this before, but now I need to rebuild. Not completely, in this case; lightning didn't strike the entire structure. It's just a matter of repairing the burn scores, patching the few places that cracked and fell, find a workable emulsion to seal the rest until it can stand on its own again. It's bad, it is bad, from any direction it's damaging; but it's not fatal. I do not die from this. Nothing is that extreme.

I just wish I knew with surety that both sides of this--that aren't me--understand as well, and...I'm only sure of one. And it's not the one that owns the collar.

(Insert from the Editrix: And as long as we're here:)



(Pictures taken at Obsidian Apocalypse, Deathlands, MOTHERLAND, ATMOS Foundry and Virtual Decay. Lyrics from Fleetwood Mac's The Chain.)

and I know I'll have to swim soon when the water gets too high

Before this conversation took place, I'd gone by my cabin on the sim, and removed everything that was mine. I had started to regret that move when the discussion opened. I don't regret it now.

Again, heavily, heavily anonymized, but I did want to try to get across why this had upset me so.

[21:10] Emilly Orr: [xxxxx]...the notice you sent out yesterday....I have some concerns.
[21:18] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: Yes?
[21:19] Emilly Orr: While I know, positively, I am not one of the women who are jealous, you do know I came into the sim as a thrall, right?
[21:20] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: Yes, and you're right... it wasn't directed at you

So, first excuse: "I didn't mean you". Also, I think it never occurred to him that he was potentially lumping me in with the one or ones with which he was angry, at least subconsciously implying that my status means nothing to him as well.

[21:20] Emilly Orr: But it was sent out to the whole of the group.
[21:20] Emilly Orr: I own myself. I have opinions. My will is my own. I am not chattel, not a dog, not a cow, and most CERTAINLY not a piece of meat.
[21:20] Emilly Orr: That was a Gorean manifesto start to finish. So I want to know why.
[21:22] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: It because of a continung problem with [xxxx].
[21:23] Emilly Orr: So why not just address [xxxx]?

This was my biggest question for all of yesterday. Why didn't he just address [xxxx] directly? Why did he send out poisoned arrows to everyone on the sim? Why did he make something this dark and ugly so very public?

[21:23] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: it was done in anger, Em
[21:23] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I lost my temper.
[21:23] Emilly Orr: I figured that.
[21:23] Emilly Orr: But you demeaned every single woman on the sim.

I really don't think he's getting that.

[21:26] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I'll apologize to you and any other who brings it up. I didn't even remember that you were a thrall.

Confirmed--he didn't remember I was the class he was putting under his boot. 'No, I'm not a racist, I have black friends.' 'Hey, I'm a feminist, I only beat my wife when she deserves it.' 'The only good Injun is a dead Injun. Cept for the bartender, right?' (That one I heard in person, a lot, when I was growing up in a small logging town.) 'All women are sluts. Oh, but not you, baby, YOU'RE not.'

He truly doesn't understand that he was exposing EXACTLY what he thinks about slaves, whether they're submissives in modern realms, kajirae in Gor, or thralls on his own sim.

[21:27] Emilly Orr: There's a basic disconnect here, is the thing I'm trying to bring up.
[21:27] Emilly Orr: Apologies are fine, but often times, in anger, while we may say things we wouldn't normally, they are the things inside us.
[21:27] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: please bring it up

I tried. I really tried.

[21:28] Emilly Orr: Even in Gor, most kajirae aren't treated so poorly. Even red or white unrestricted, even paga sluts.
[21:28] Emilly Orr: I think *maybe* camp girls, coin girls, might *possibly* fit the level of utter disregard you sent out in that notice.
[21:29] Emilly Orr: So how are the women in your group, and most especially the thralls who are not [xxxx], supposed to trust you in any way now?
[21:29] Emilly Orr: When all you think of us is that we're mindless drones with holes, just meat to take?
[21:30] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: You know that isn't part of my character
[21:30] Emilly Orr: No, I don't know that now.
[21:30] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I don't behave that way
[21:30] Emilly Orr: You do. Read your notice.

To wit:

"You own nothing; You have no opinion; Your will is not your own; You are chattel, no better than a cow or a dog or simply a piece of meat."

I don't know how else to interpret that.

[21:30] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I read it yes...
[21:30] Emilly Orr: But you don't get it.

I tried to find another way to get through to him, that this was larger than just a bit of sniping.

[21:30] Emilly Orr: Okay, let's take this from another angle.
[21:31] Emilly Orr: The reason I was on board with your system of thralls, free and nobility is that thralls were not just meat for anyone.
[21:31] Emilly Orr: They had agency. They had wills. If they were skilled in a thing, they could be paid for their services. They could buy out of thralldom, and become free.
[21:32] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I certainly botched that one

Anger can be cleansing, but it can also be a weapon. I think it's clear which one it was here.

[21:32] Emilly Orr: What part, of any of that--which is clear in the histories--says "you own nothing, have no opinion"? What part of that says "chattel" or "dog" or "meat"?
[21:32] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: In our sim, none of it
[21:33] Emilly Orr: But you own the sim.
[21:33] Emilly Orr: Your word is law.
[21:33] Emilly Orr: And you think nothing of us.
[21:33] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I had a situation that I lashed out in anger
[21:33] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: That is the impression I've given. I see that
[21:34] Emilly Orr: Yes.

Unfortunate that he only seems to see that now, post-notice.

[21:34] Emilly Orr: How are you going to patch this up with the rest of the sim? You took a highly personal issue, and made it public, in the most insulting way possible? Following it up with a notice saying "oops" is not going to fix it. How are you going to patch this up for everyone else on your sim?
[21:35] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I'm not afraid to take ownership of my mistakes or blunders.
[21:36] Emilly Orr: This...[xxxxx], this is not a blunder.
[21:36] Emilly Orr: This is a complete violation. This is why people think you're Gorean.
[21:36] Emilly Orr: I thought people were just spreading rumors, but right here, this is why.

Of note here: both times I brought up Gorean practices, he dodged, refused to even address it. That also makes a statement.

[21:37] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: That's the first time I've have ever made a public statement like that.
[21:37] Emilly Orr: The damage is already done at this point.
[21:37] Emilly Orr: I asked if you knew why you did it, you said you got angry. What happens the next time you get angry?
[21:40] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: that doesn't happen often.. I wont lash out like I did.

He says that now. I...I don't think I can trust him now.

[21:40] Emilly Orr: I think we've reached the point of disconnection. You don't seem to understand, and I don't want to further attempt to persuade you.
[21:40] Emilly Orr: I do wish you and [Xxxx], and [xxxxx], all the best. And I sincerely hope things work out with [xxxx]. And I wish you all success with your sim.
[21:41] Emilly Orr: But I've cleared out the cabin, and I'm going to leave the group.
[21:41] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I'm sorry to hear that
[21:41] Emilly Orr: I am, too.
[21:41] Emilly Orr: I'm sorry to say it.

On something this close to me, this deeply scarring, I cannot fight past this point, Withdrawing is the only option left.

[21:42] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: and I believe I'll be sorthing things out with [xxxx].
[21:43] Emilly Orr: I realize you were angry. I do understand that. We all do things that are unwise when angry. But this went far deeper. Maybe it's me; I do have past emotional trauma. But if that part of you is only active 5% of the time, that still means it's there.
[21:44] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: After what your said it made me think and I realized that it was mean of me. It was just plain mean.
[21:44] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: so, for that I am deeply sorry.

Again, of note: he's sorry now, post-notice.

[21:44] Emilly Orr nods.
[21:45] Emilly Orr: Accepted.
[21:45] Emilly Orr: Safe travels, [xxxxx].
[21:45] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: Farewell, Emilly. You've been a marvelous help to the sim and to me.

So...there it stands. I've left the group and changed my profile. It is a bleak day.

In talks with someone else, a few additional things came up.

[21:21] Emilly Orr: First excuse offered, while you were gone: "Oh, I didn't mean you."
[21:24] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: i am sure he didn't, but not the point
[21:24] Emilly Orr: Second excuse: "I was angry."
[21:26] Emilly Orr: [21:26] [xxxxxxxxxxx]: I'll apologize to you and any other who brings it up. I didn't even remember that you were a thrall.
[21:27] Emilly Orr: He doesn't get it.
[21:27] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: *nods*

Then, a bit later on:

[21:32] Emilly Orr: I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere.
[21:35] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: *considers* It seems he knows he did wrong, but not why
[21:35] Emilly Orr: I was thinking it was possibly rash to clear out my cottage before you got online, but now I'm pretty sure I did the right thing.
[21:38] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It is likely time to move on from it *nods*
[21:38] Emilly Orr nods.

I had already decided at this point, but also at this point, I was still trying to explain, as calmly as I could, why I was going to leave the sim.

[21:38] Emilly Orr: I hate doing this. Because he's really not going to get why I'm leaving. He's clinging to he just lashed out, he's a good guy.
[21:41] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: considers
[21:41] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: he might well be, but steeped in sl gor
[21:41] Emilly Orr nods
[21:43] Emilly Orr: One last attempt, though I have already told him I'm leaving.
[21:46] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx rubs your shoulders slowly
[21:47] Emilly Orr: So, he said the notice was mean, and that he's sorry.
[21:47] Emilly Orr: So...there it sits.
[21:49] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: it hinges on the sort of person you think he is, here
[21:49] Emilly Orr: I think he's mostly good, with a very dark side.
[21:49] Emilly Orr: I just never considered that dark side also had a cruel misogynistic angle.

And again, maybe it IS me. I have a bad past. I carry a lot of damage. I'm working on it, but I can tell when something's close to setting off a depth charge of anxiety and nightmares. This was close.

[21:58] Emilly Orr: I may not defriend him over this. I just can't participate in the sim anymore.
[21:59] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods
[22:00] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It is the right decision.

And one last thing:

[22:13] Emilly Orr: Okay, so why did it hurt more to remove the sim from my picks than it did to tell him I was leaving?

I still don't know, but it did. I guess because it felt more final.

But cue the sea chanties, and the ship sailing away. I'm gone.

I've got a tombstone hand and a graveyard mind

The brain feels no pain, isn't that what the synners say? Tell that to anyone with a migraine. Tell that to anyone who's ever struggled to communicate something to another brain that simply won't listen. Maybe the brain doesn't feel pain, not in that way, but...something does. I do. And it doesn't seem to stop.

And the hours spin on, circling. I ponder things I'm letting go, I ponder things I'm still clinging to, I ponder things that may be or may never be. And I have no answers, but I'm caught in the spin. No answers doesn't seem to matter. No answers, no pain, but...something.

Something.

And always, always, I circle back to you. And him. And where everyone is now.

Honestly, I don't know why him. Someone asked me once, long ago, why you, and my answer was the same: I didn't know then why you, I still don't. I just knew that right then, in that moment, after everything, I still couldn't completely let you go. And eventually, that someone realized it, and went...so very far away even I couldn't reach him. And yes, that was pain, that was heart-rending, and for what we had--whatever we had--it didn't help. It didn't help at all.

But it happened. It took me a long time to put myself back together. I've done it before, many times, so it wasn't a new thing. But I wasn't the same after. I've never been whole, never, but...I was more broken than I expected. And it changed things. Between me and you, between me and my friends, between me and the world--all the worlds...it changed. I had changed.

I wasn't as strong, in the newly patched form. I wasn't as capable, and I was definitely more afraid. And I think, back then, you were too, but...I never saw it. Or I did, but then...pushed it out of my mind, because I was dealing with so many other things. And for a while...for a long while...that was sort of enough. That you accepted my broken state, gave me time to heal, let me figure things out on my own...but, as usual, with all our forms of communication, there were things being said behind the words, behind the glances, behind the small expressions of the bodies involved. Somewhere in that two-year withdrawal, of healing and fear and testing my path...I either lost the trick of hearing that other communication, or...we both stopped listening. I'm honestly not sure which.

And by the time I was ready to reconnect, to reach out, to get involved in the world again...whatever we were, whatever we had...had been damaged. I was wanting more; you were afraid to offer; but we both kept circling, circling, communicating in that arcane space between each letter. Caught in the spin.

I realized it first. I realized it, and that realization hurt, hurt an incredible amount. The brain feels no pain, right? But I felt pain. I felt confusion. I felt like I was being held close at arms' length. I felt like I was locked in a pairing that was unacknowledged, that would never be acknowledged. And part of that last, that was my fault--when I was asked at first to keep things secret, keep them close, keep things unsaid...we were in a different place. By the time that changed, that edict was already ingrained. In my mind, it was unchanging, never changing, and by the time it could have...we were already pulling apart.

Caught in the spin. The spin never ends.

And I'm honest enough with myself that I began to resent hearing stories of you playing with others, and never playing with me. That sense of being a broken toy, beyond repairing. Because if I wasn't broken, you'd want to play with me, too, right? Because if I meant enough, I'd be part of the play too...right?

At the time I wasn't seeing the larger issues. Then they were explained, and I understood, I comprehended, but...that emotional pain was still there, circling. You wanted me but didn't want to have me. You didn't want me to leave but didn't want to spend time with me. That's...hard. That's so hard.

And I realized, it was harder than I could deal with.

But...I delayed. For weeks, then months, then years, because...I wasn't the only one injured. I wasn't the only one afraid. And I didn't want to hurt you further, and...still, circling, circling, that innate knowledge that I didn't truly want to lose you. But what did I have, towards the end? Friendship. Friendship I valued, deeply, friendship I still value, but...nothing else. And that nothing else was because you were afraid, and I did get that, do get that, but...the end result is the same.

You wouldn't touch me. You couldn't even give me a hug, a kiss on the cheek. Not even that much. And I do, I do know why, I do, but...intellectual knowledge, I have learned, doesn't pare down emotional hurt. It's one reason 'feelings' currently triumph 'truth' in the American media, because a lot of people are caught in that spin, that trope of feelings being more important than knowledge.

Feelings aren't more important than knowledge. But they are there, and they have weight, sometimes enough weight to stagger. And I was staggering. I had reached the point where I had to stay where I was, mired in hurt and confusion, or take the leap that could lead to greater pain for both of us.

And yeah. Decisions like that suck, they always have. And I'm big on stasis, I won't lie. Stasis doesn't make me happy, but...it doesn't create change. Stasis is less scary. Stasis, though...is antithetical to change. What's the profile say? Great love means great risk...but love anyway.

Love anyway.

And I needed to change. I needed to, I needed to see if I could be more, if I still had the ability to grow beyond my boundaries, if I could still contribute to my own life, let alone any others. And I wasn't doing that by staying in place, afraid to move, afraid to reach out, afraid to change.

I took the leap.

And at first, I thought...maybe, maybe we'd make it through this. There was pain, of course there was pain, in the beginning of after-the-leap. I was remaking my life, I was making different choices, choices that didn't always involve you. And that was scary, too, because so much of my life on the grid has involved you. Circling. Circling. Caught in the spin. The unacknowledged, constant spin.

Maybe it was self-delusion. You'd told me, after all. You'd told me that if I took this leap, if I made this change, you couldn't stay close. You'd have to move me away, farther away than I'd been. And intellectually, I thought I understood that. And, intellectually...I thought we could rebuild, find a new plateau, make a new normal.

But I'm watching you pull away. It isn't that you set me aside, took me out of the belonging box, moved me to the friend one...no. That's not it at all. You may or may not have changed my label, but you, yourself, pulled away. You're so far from me now I can barely see you. Pinprick against the skyline, now, and I'm no longer sure there's anything left to rebuild.

So why him? I still don't know. Maybe it started because he didn't have the history that you and I had. He could touch me without reflecting on ten thousand painful decisions in the past, and...I needed that, I needed that desperately. And I was willing to exist on scraps, on small moments, on spare attention, but...for a variety of reasons, all of them painful, you couldn't do that.

And I couldn't live without even those scraps. I needed something. Something.

Forty-seven miles of barbed wire, right? Too right. Doesn't change the pain. Doesn't change the spin. Just changes the speed.

At this point, I feel like I'm no longer standing on the empty plain, hand held out, waiting for a response. I think all I'm doing is standing on the empty plain, staring at my hand. And wondering...is there any point left to waiting? Is there any point left to reaching out? Is there any point left to hoping?

Maybe not. Or maybe it's just going to take time, and there's still at least friendship waiting. At some point. Weeks, months, years from now...maybe I'll wander back to the empty plain, and it won't be empty any more.

I think I'd like that.

But in the meantime, I'm not standing in place. I'm moving forward. And I'm not waiting any more.

eyes wide shut, unopened

And I cannot speak, I cannot speak, there are no words to say...

...and...that's really where we stand. I'm not even sure there's a reasonable summation. So...I suppose I won't keep you posted?

Eventually.

Or not.

we'd move from the shadows of the wall

Precise cuts. Deliberate wounding. Never arm someone with the weapons to use against you, it's a rule. But I've never been able to function that way.



There was contention. I felt there was an argument to come. And I pushed. Knowing the likely outcome, I pushed. And then...

"Goodbye."



I've never had a rational relationship to that word. I can hear it if I know it means for right now. I can hear it if it's just leavetaking, temporary, no sense of permanence.

I cannot deal with it if I think it relates to an ending. Because it becomes permanence in that moment, for me.



I'm too literal. It's been a fault for a while. But I'd also passed out heavy arms, precision rounds, scattered mines to deploy in my wake. I wasn't the one who armed them. That was never my choice.





Over. It's over. It's over. And I hadn't figured out what it was in the first place...

toil and trouble, grief and pain, nothing ever changes, always stays the same

Stepping away from Hair Fair coverage for the nonce...

[18:06] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: sorry to spam but this is important
[18:06] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: brief notice from linden labs ,theres a group call 2nd life shop going around, giving away free ao's
[18:06] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: after you accept and wear ao would steal your avatar id and would take all your lindens , please becarful and dont accept this ao pass the word around to friends ty

Since I logged in, I've seen this a total of six times. It's just more rumorspam; it means nothing. And it was starting to get severely irritating.

[18:07] hxxxx Zxxx: Thats bulls***
[18:07] jxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i saw this same message in like 4 other groups in the past 30 mins
[18:07] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lolwat
[18:07] hxxxx Zxxx: Theres no way for an object to take linden without permission that you have to grant with a dialog message.

Seriously, there isn't. There never has been.

[18:07] ixxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ban the spammer plz
[18:07] Emilly Orr: No no no no no no no.
[18:07] Emilly Orr: Not important, not from Linden Labs, sixth group I've seen this in today, plzstopplzplzstop.

On reflection, yes, that could easily be read as a hostile reply. I'm overstressed, overtired, and undermedicated RL, and most of those conditions are likely to continue for at least another week to full month. It's very, very easy right now for me to lash out, though--at the time this happened--I didn't see it as lashing out.

[18:07] mxxxxxx Wxxxxxx: You need to accept the message to give lindens away
[18:08] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: true or not at least people know now
[18:08] Emilly Orr: It doesn't MATTER what they know.
[18:08] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: god contraption is full of jerks
[18:08] Cxxxxx Mxxxxxx: I wish ppl would do a little research before mass spamming and raising everyones blood pressure. Aint nobody got time for that.

My thoughts exactly. And I'd said much the same thing in five other groups before this happened.

[18:08] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: if it was a message from linden labs they wouldn't need you to spread the word
[18:08] Emilly Orr: Look. The message to take Lindens from your account is ALWAYS yellow, is ALWAYS directly from Linden Labs.
[18:08] axxxxx Kxxx: agreed
[18:09] axxxxx Kxxx: bunch of nasty people. hes trying to warn people and your all treating him like crap

And okay, fine, on reflection, I acknowledge we jumped on him for this. I at least was tired, was not in the best mood to be in world in the first place, and was really, really, tired of hearing this over and over.

[18:09] cxxxxxx Lxx: Actually there is some truth to it.

Where? Point me the link that says yes, attaching an AO can, with no further drop-down warning or security request, just randomly take all your Lindens and scamper off, muahahahaha. Show me somewhere official it says that that can ever, at all, under any conditions, be true.

[18:09] Cxxxxx Mxxxxxx: Is there a secondlife snopes?

Not as far as I know. But oh, how I wish there was.

[18:09] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: people aren't jerks, it's just what you are saying is complete crap
[18:09] mxxxxxx Wxxxxxx: Its because... that old ao thing getting your lindens...
[18:09] mxxxxxx Wxxxxxx: it tires after a time
[18:09] hxxxx Zxxx: If his warnign had any factual parts to it i would.
[18:09] cxxxxx Dxxxxxxxx: Not to take sides here, but you guys should chill out.. he/she came with good intent just trying to inform others. - Besides, some are silly enough to accept permissions from items; think about how people refuse to read bright red signs. lol

I remain unsure. On the one hand, this is true, because by and large, people--all of us, at one time or another--are dumb. We do stupid things without thinking. The thing is, it's a big leap from "X hacker attacked Linden Lab and stole the credit card database file" (which did happen, several years back) to "logging in and putting on an AO can drain all your Lindens, ohNO" (which just can't happen unless you, personally, grant those permissions to the object).

[18:09] Emilly Orr: If you're not a merchant working on a vendor, and you see a yellow drop-down asking for permission to take L$ from you, just decline.
[18:10] Jxxxx Fxxxxxxx: Amen Cxxxxx
[18:10] ixxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that message has been going around for years hes not informing anyone of anythign real
[18:10] Jxxxx Fxxxxxxx: now enough of this conversation !
[18:10] cxxxxxx Lxx: If you put on the AO, it does prompt you to click something.

And if it does, and you see that it's prompting you to click "accept permission to access your Lindens", and it's a BRIGHT YELLOW DROP-DOWN, then DECLINE. How hard is that?

[Brief insert for correction: apparently in the official V3 SL client, it's not a yellow drop-down window, it's a black drop-down window. Because all the drop-down windows are now black in the V3 client. Still, though, it has bright orange text, so that's still a separation from the norm...it's just not as obvious a separation. Which, personally, I think is a huge mistake on LL's part, but hey, it's not the first one they've made.]

[18:10] axxxxx Kxxx: ive never heard of it before and ive been on sl for years
[18:10] Emilly Orr: I think many of us have seen this many times today, and it's getting old. It's inaccurate information. No one's bothering to verify it, they're just passing it along.
[18:10] bxxxxxx Fxxx: good god! This stupid paranoia s*** has been spamming up everyone of my groups.
[18:10] sxxx Cxxxx: yes, thank's Word. I'm sure there's some less experienced reidents who finds this info useful... both the warning and the info following debunking it

And...then the chat started going sideways.

[18:11] Jxxxx Fxxxxxxx: Ok so someone tried to be nice and got jumped all over for it, That's usually the case in SL. Take what info you find here and use it or not but stop bitching about it for GOds sake .
[18:12] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: complaining is great, if everyone jsut closed everything rather then tackling it head on like a champion, everything would be boring, and people like wxxx would not learn.
[18:12] Jxxxx Fxxxxxxx: no complaining is NOT great Bxxx
[18:12] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: just shut up and get over your selves if your going to complain about a warning :V if you really think its s*** then just close the f****** chat we dont need your two cents on how stupid someoen is or something

I don't think any of us said that the initial poster was stupid.

[18:12] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: complaining is fantastic jules
[18:13] mxxxxxx Sxxxxx: i should write a book about how gay all of you are for crying in some store chat about people being mean to you

It took me a minute to catch that.

[18:13] Emilly Orr: Dxxxxxx, I'm not complaining. I am doing what I can to stop the spread of misinformation.
[18:13] Jxxxx Fxxxxxxx: fixes the chat so that I only get infor from the group owner and not from anyone else here from now on
[18:13] Emilly Orr sighs. Oh, and that's all we need, a gay slur for no reason.

Because seriously, as tired as I am of hearing that spam "notice" go around, I'm ten thousand times more tired of "gay" being a catch-all "this is stupid" word.

[18:13] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: then dont get all agro about it
[18:13] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: calmly state that it may not have truth
[18:14] mxxxxxx Sxxxxx: gay as in happy lady god dont get all torn up about it
[18:14] Emilly Orr: That's not how you meant it, though.
[18:14] mxxxxxx Sxxxxx: how do you know ?

Because every time someone uses "gay" to mean "lame", or "bad" or "dumb", they're using the word wrong. And it is terribly pervasive, in at least American culture, in many places. Someone doesn't want to spray-paint a wall in an urban area: "Don't be a fag". Someone does something another player doesn't like in an online MMO: "dude, you're so gay". This equates "gay" as being the worst thing someone can be, and it's literally the first slang word many of us reach for, whether we want to or not, because we hear it all the goddamn time.

Example. I watch a lot of Rooster Teeth videos. They're a group of guys who never really evolved out of high school, but they have fun, and they play games I'll likely never have the consoles for, so I can watch them play and get my gaming fix that way.

But seriously, some videos, every two minutes one of the guys is saying to another of the guys that they're gay, or fags, or that they take it up the ass...it's like breathing for them, it's the culture they've been steeped in, online and off, for over a decade.

How do we fight prejudice like that? How do we fight prejudice that demeans us even in things that are supposed to be fun, relaxing, escapes from our daily stress? If it's that pervasive, to the point that we have members of our communities simultaneously saying they support gay rights, then on the other hand, call a player who shot them a faggot...what does that tell us? How can we trust the words of support if they're still using other words to tell us that we don't deserve those rights, that we aren't human enough to have them?

[18:14] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: we arnt talking about the context of how they used gay

Actually, yeah, for me at least, the conversation had very definitely moved in that direction. But I was still responding to other comments; the whole 'gay' debate hadn't yet sunk in. I'm slow when I'm stressed.

[18:14] mxxxxxx Sxxxxx: you all seem very happy fighting in a pixel world
[18:14] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: rxxx didn't mean gay as in queer either.
[18:14] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: or how they are obviously trying to get your goat
[18:15] dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: why does any of this even matter lol
[18:15] Emilly Orr: Fine, whatever, scream about AOs taking your Lindens, go have mass fun.
[18:15] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because this is secondlife and EVERYTHING MATTERS
[18:15] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: when someonesays something is gay as an insult, they dont literally mean it is homosexual.

Yes, actually, they do. Every single damn time. That's exactly what they mean, and if you don't think so when you hear it, or if you don't think so when you do it, then, friends and neighbors, YOU ARE WRONG. Because that's what the word means. That's one more thorn in our sides, every time we hear the word used. Of course that's what they meant, because THEY CAN'T MEAN ANYTHING ELSE.

[18:15] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx allows her palm to become familiar with her forehead.
[18:15] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that would be absurd
[18:15] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and makes no sense
[18:15] mxxxxxx Sxxxxx: lol
[18:16] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no need to get so deffensive
[18:16] Emilly Orr: It's never made any sense. People still do it, though. They seem to think "gay", "faggot", "fag" and "queer" just mean "lame".
[18:16] ixxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh piss off you nazi bastard
[18:16] Emilly Orr: .....

I admit, at this point, I just stopped for a moment. I'd been taking pics for Hair Fair, answering chat in another screen, and suddenly, everything stopped for me. We'd started out trying to correct a spammer, and now we were gay for our efforts, and Nazis. I was in shock.

[18:16] mxxxxxx Sxxxxx: i was just saying you guys seem to be havin alot of fun thats all i need to write a book about happy people to inspire myself and others to be as happy as you are
[18:16] ixxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh i didnt mean nazi as in THOSE nazis
[18:16] dxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: everyone calm your tits and boners tentacles wing boners etc.

How? How are we supposed to calm down from these things? We live in a country where our technology tracks our conversations, our concerns, and our largest software firms have handed over all the keys to the intricacies of their programs, for easier access to the new Big Brother. We live in a country where stalking someone, and shooting someone, even if they were unarmed and underage, is fine as long as you're male, and white. We live in a country where hackers get more jail time than rapists, where any of us, at any time, can be declared an enemy of the state and dragged out of our homes, and taken to a place with no access to legal defense and no charges placed.

And when we dare to speak up, about the smallest of these issues, we're hit with vituperative insults--and then told we're being oversensitive when we see them for the savage imprecations they are.

[18:16] oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: words evolve
[18:16]oxxxx Rxxxxxxx: they do

While yes, they do, in this case, no. This word has not evolved. It still means what it's always meant, but people just don't care to think it through. They don't care what it says to the gay community, because--surprise!--they don't care about gay people.

But at this point, I was done. I had officially hit my stress limit for the day.

[18:16] Emilly Orr: Okay, suddenly I'm on the "you people are all jerks" side.

Not enough to leave the group, but enough for me to pretty much close the window every time it opens, or remove myself from the ability to send and receive chat. Because...maybe my skin's a little thin, today, but there's no reason for anyone to go on that heavy an attack just for me trying to stem the tide of spam. No reason.

None.

in my head blood-colored rain falls down

(from the loss album; photographer of original image unknown but found on Lilit Ghazaryan's blog)

I've texted him twenty-one times
and still my phone don't ring
and my wild imagination, son, is
makin' up scary things...

no one shares a kiss like that
and then just doesn't call
last night he promised me the world
and now I’m gettin' nothing at all

(from the loss album; Pierre Auguste Renoir's "Woman With Green Chair")

and the Mississippi's mighty
but it starts in Minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and I guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and I start to drown

(from the loss album; altered and cropped image found on Hockridge's photography blog.  Original image All Rights Reserved)

I don't understand
your love is so cold
it's always me who's reaching out,
reaching out for your hand

where is your heart?
'cos I don't really feel you
where is your heart?
what I really want is to believe you

(from the loss album; picture widely available, but most notably seen on Katie Metcalfe's poetry blog)

watching my dreams turning to ashes
and my hopes into bits of clay
once I could see, once I could feel
now I'm numb, I've become unreal
I walk the night without a goal
stripped of my heart, my soul

(from the loss album; altered image from unknown photographer)

and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time...

and so it is
the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial...

(from the loss album; altered image from one of Anna Plotnikova's fashion shoots. (More info on Anna here)

it seems so much is left unsaid
so much is left unsaid
but you can say anything
oh, anytime you need
baby, it's just you and me

Something interesting: as I put this together, an underlying theme became obvious: clay. Clay, water, earth, and the alchemy of change that makes them more than the sum of their parts. I've thrown clay on wheels, I've coil-built pots, I've taken various classes for various techniques when I have time. Building things has ever been an inherent hobby, if never occupation.

So maybe that's where I start. Find something to build. Walk away from the familiar, and see what else shows up. Disconnect, in a sense, to find connection elsewhere.

And this is going to be the last one, for at least a while. I lasted thirteen days, but it's enough. Enough enough enough. Declaring a moratorium on more relationship posts until at least August.

(Lyrics adapted from various sources, including "He Better Be Dead" from Stealing Angels, the Indigo Girls' song "Ghost" [this is a great cover by the Stanford Mixed Company], Shirley Bassey's "What Now, My Love?" [link goes to a performance on her 1967 television special], "The Blower's Daughter" from Damien Rice [using footage from the film "Closer"], and "Where Is Your Heart?" from Kelly Clarkson [link leads to a live performance on Music@AOL].)

life is cold here, empty hallowed ground

Jean Grey is coming back, apparently. I'm just baffled. Marvel, seriously, just let the poor woman die. She's done enough. You're just bringing her back for dramadramadrama anyway. Leave her alone.

And I may have found the worst anime ever made. Or at least the most baffling: in twenty minutes, one character is named, and we're only quasi-sure that the guy we're seeing is that character. And that's not even the largest question of this piece. There are other, bigger questions, like:

• why are all the police girls? And twelve?
• why are all the twelve-year-old girls in form-fitting plugsuits?
• do they have names?
• why was one of them--after being beheaded--brought to the hospital where resuscitation was performed?
• actually, let's go back to that question again--how was resuscitation performed?!?

And that's without going into the scary bondage (and internal-organ-removing) process required to get into the big alien suit in the first place by the one named character.

We move on...to SCIENCE! Seriously, that's one of the greatest explanation of the Higgs-Bosun particle--and the CERN scientists' work in general--that I've ever found. (Though I'm going to be amused for a long while that the biggest protests around the announcement of finding the particle were over the Comic Sans font used in the official presentation.)

There's a really odd JIRA involving Microsoft SkyDrive and SL crashes; I don't entirely understand all of it, because I don't use SkyDrive, but it sounds serious. Nalates Urriah goes into it a little bit more here, along with some other concerns that are SkyDrive-specific, and nothing to do with SL in general.

I would tend to agree that Agnes Richter's embroidered straightjacket should be considered a repurposed diary, not a textile art object. While there is textile art in the world, she wasn't trying to make art as much as she was trying to explain her experience, using the tools she had on hand. Nevertheless, it remains an amazing testament to the power of creativity in captivity, and there's a new book on the subject, too.

Remember the breedable Twisted hunt cubes, the last hunt back? They now exist RL. BE AFRAID.

Finally, this is weird, surreal, suitably bizarre and a whole lot of fun. It's a ska version of "Still Alive", the Coulton song from the end of the first Portal game. Starts off slow, then starts jumping off the walls. If you like ska, you need to hear it at least once.

but the secret is still my own

(from the loss album; from a 1908 edition of The Fairy Tales of Hans Christian  Andersen; illustration possibly by Helen Stratton)

Of all my myriad maintained presences on the web, I think only Twitter has survived unscathed from the current bout of worry and depression. Every time I try to turn the tide away from one place, it explodes in another. I suppose it's notable, in some sense, that I'm not sharing my current anxieties--outside of brief mentions--with my loves, but I'd say that's more an indication of me falling into bad habits, than a sign of strength and safety.

It's never easy living with an open heart. And I have tried my level best to stay open, stay accessible, but I am watching myself fold away, close in, curl up. And the real tragedy is that I'm not entirely convinced that--right now, at least--that's not the best thing to do.

But I am going to make a better effort to lift the Train Wreck from the current mire (which is morbidly amusing considering the blog's name), and get back to other things. We'll see how long this resolution lasts this time.

Last night I had a chance to play through City of Heroes' new Summer Blockbuster event. It's actually interesting--which is good, because to get eligible characters all the badges they can get, I'm going to be playing through this a lot with friends.

There are two parts to the event, they're both fairly random as to which one you get first. The "Time Gladiators" part sends you to a Romansesque arena, to fight several sets of enemies. It's very challenging, depending on your group strength (and, since these events are limited to four players, that can very wildly indeed), and it's not uncommon to die on the arena floor--at which point, of course, you're sent back to the theatre lobby (where you can fill up on "concessions" at the concessions stand ("concessions" in this case being inspirations which help you heal, make you stronger, tougher, restore your endurance, give you luck--whatever it is that you need, they'll sell it to you), and from there you can click back on the Theatre 2 door to get back to the arena.

(from the media album; the Champion from the arena)

This is Götterdämmerung, one of the Champions from the arena, and you can see a larger version of this image here--if you keep in mind that both the characters on the ground are fairly tall, all things considered, this guy? He really is that huge. And he hits hard--one hammer blow from him instantly killed me three times!

But between him, the initial minotaur fight, the ninjas, the space monkeys, and the shooter with the feral dogs--it really keeps you on your toes. It's not easy, and I don't think it should be, because the end prize is one of six massively powered enhancements for a power set. You can get one of the six at the end of this part, once every twenty hours (per character, not per account).

The other half of the event draws so strongly on Leverage it's not even funny, but it's also a challenging event. The "Casino Heist" gives you the chance to play one of four archetypes, each with specific things they need to do: the Grifter (who mainly works the casino floor), the Hacker (who infiltrates the security system), the Hitter (who knocks out the generators powering that security system, and takes care of any casino guards along the way) and the Thief (who searches the casino owner's office, and uses that information to infiltrate the vault).

(from the media album; the lasers blocking access to the vault in "Casino Heist")

The first archetype I played on the "Casino Heist" section was the Thief; and I thought it was terrifically inventive how the devs mocked out a highly secured vault. While those blue lines are lasers, and will trigger alarms if you just blindly run through, there's actually a narrow clear path to navigate. If you're careful, it's doable, but you still have to make sure you're not bumping into any of the laser "walls".

The "Casino Heist" story is told in a set of flashbacks, split with what's supposedly happening "now"--so the cut scenes we see show us where we supposedly attacked (thus telling us where we need to go and what to do once there), and then we're always trailed back to our warehouse lair, where we fight several sets of enemies to end the event.

Both events make up a short time investment (we managed to do both in the half hour before CoH shut down last night), for a fairly significant reward, plus there's two notable reasons to do this event that are independent of what we actually do once there. First, there was a forum contest for what sort of movies might play in the world City of Heroes is based on--the winners of those contests have their posters up in the theatre lobby as "Coming Soon" movies.

And secondly, the winner of the last costume contest, "Theater Popcorn Man", is now being used as the series of "popcorn bots" that staff the concession stand. I've always loved how closely the devs behind CoH listen to their users.

Finally, I want to talk about another Kickstarter project--the Hauntbox. They have seventeen days to go, but there's already been enough interest that they're fully funded! Why is this such a cool idea? Because this offers an open-source, modifiable, enclosed console based on Arduino programming and Lady Ada's innovative designs, that will coordinate sound files, physical haunt effects, and haunt movements from a desktop console, a laptop, netbook, even an iPad or iPhone!

I don't know what anyone reading along knows about haunted houses and events, but trust me--nearly always, behind the scenes, is a snarled tangle of wires, various control units, sometimes even haunters stationed at specific points just so they can physically press a button at the right time because there's no other way to control it that doesn't take up more space. This? Takes up very little space, has maximum inputs for control options, can be weather-shielded, can be hidden or left exposed, and best of all, they're lowering the total cost of the end unit by acquisition of a 3D printer to craft some of the parts.

It sounds like it's going to cost between $250 and $300 for the end product if you don't toss in support on the Kickstarter, and again, that's very very reasonable for a controller that is going to save this much manpower and device management. Considering most big-scale haunt objects (think animatronic zombies and the like) are very expensive, this is a little investment for maximum control possibilities.

Just to make the point, Fright Catalog's Tortured full-body prop is lifesize and includes the metal table, leather hood, metal chains, cassette player and cassette tape, and amplifier. It retails for around $6,500 (including shipping), and that's without the optional motion sensor or timer, or the air compressor required to make it work.

Say you owned this prop for a room in your upcoming haunt. With the Hauntbox, you could record the sounds (or find your own), then set up the time for shaking, any motion sensor reactions, and time the bursts of air all from a single program. If you needed to change it on the fly, nothing simpler--open the program on a desktop or wireless device, make the change, save the change, and it will adapt to the new parameters then.

Obviously, this is intended for commercial haunts, but I think it's something even yard hobbyists could find useful, depending on the size of their animatronics or effects.

it is gone like something large, hovering high, has covered up the sun (part III)

(continuing from part II)

So, where were we?

I'm not apologizing for who I am anymore. I certainly don't need your help. And I don't give a damn if you approve.

Right, the 21st of June. Still.

Spoony, at this point, was at the eye of quite the little storm of drama, rivaling me at my best. Or, well, worst. During this time, he did manage to put out four--four? Maybe six--E3-based video logs onto his site (but not onto That Guy With the Glasses, where his videos are now pretty conspicuously absent). Even with that, the comments kept flying in on his feed. From @MaffewGregg on the 22nd:

You'd think @TheSpoonyOne would know how netiquette works by now.

Spoony's response:

@Maffewgregg you'd think you'd know how to mind your own goddamn business by now.

From Karkat Vantas:

@TheSpoonyOne No wonder Scarlett left you, you disgusting shit stain. I'd tell you to die, but living would make you suffer much more.

Spoony retweeted that, followed by this:

You see the kind of thin-skinned, ignorant, cunts I gotta deal with on a daily basis?

Obscurus Lupa responded:

@TheSpoonyOne Is this the part where you call everyone lesbians for not wanting to go out with you?

Spoony replied back:

@Obscurus_Lupa Case in point.

Lupa back:

@TheSpoonyOne Has Oreo found you a new "mommeh" yet?

Spoony retorted:

@Obscurus_Lupa Well now, look who's sunk to my level. Welcome to Thunderdome, kid.

Kaite said:

@TheSpoonyOne Noah, you are the only one responsible for letting this continue with yourself. Seriously, google narcisstic traits. :(

The response?

@KaiteEmm Seriously, google "shut the fuck up."

From Romaku:

@TheSpoonyOne I'm ashamed I used to look up to you.

The response:

@Romaku1 You will be missed. By someone, I'm sure.

David Key:

@TheSpoonyOne Noah. Calm down, man. Just relax. I know you got over by being sarcastic and angry, but you're not doing a video. Just chill.

Spoony:

@LvOverRide I'm perfectly calm, dude.

I'd hazard a guess to say he really is, or at least, thinks he really is--that all this has been cathartic for him, allowing him to vent against someone that's not himself. And we've all done it, I think, because we still haven't completely socialized the difference between speaking to ourselves/our local family/friends and speaking to the wider world. In part, services like Twitter compound this lack of comprehension because first, it's so easy to send out 140 characters or less on practically anything, but second, because it's very easy to equate "followers" (who may not share even common likes/dislikes with us or our local social sets) with "friends" (people we believe can be trusted when we need to share our experiences).

From Spoony earlier today:

There's nothing more boring than people who love you.

That's possibly true, but I'm more on the side of Jim Bevan, who said a few hours past that:

Freakin' train wreck happening here. And I am seriously concerned that the person at the center of it all is going to do physical harm next.

As a denizen of the net myself, it's not my place--or anyone's--to try to constrain behavior. We can advise, we can recommend, we can suggest, but at the end of the day, we as netizens do not have individual power for anything other than choosing to intake (or not to intake) what we see.

That being said, there's a lot of worry currently about Spoony, partly based on how completely he seemed to fall apart on Twitter. I would be the first to tell you that posted behavior may have nothing to do with actual feelings--but on the other hand, anyone still reading likely also read the recent storm of drama on this blog. While both Spoony and I have the capacity to exercise restraint, we both chose in our own ways not to exercise that restraint.

The result in my case was a lot of worry from my friends. I've answered a lot of IMs and emails reassuring people, and I'm trying to think as clearly as I can and let venting on the blog go for now. It's not always easy, because the automatic turn in my case is to dwell on what's gone wrong, what could go wrong in future. I'm a cheerful pessimist in the best of times.

Spoony, well, as he pointed out himself, he tends to turn to Byron in times of deep pain, and...as he also pointed out, that's not the best thing. And from there, he turns to anger as a cover for that pain. At this point, he may well be happily spinning off froth with no greater emotional weight than a glasswing--but when he started, that anger, that pain, that rage was clearly visible.

I think the best thing to take away from this--and part of the reason I turned this into three separate entries in the first place--is that we have a long, hard road to travel to get to the place where we can separate ourselves and our intimates from our social media contacts. Cases like this show the potential danger of forgetting that--due nearly entirely to what he said on his Twitter feed publically, he lost a rehosting gig, all the other Channel Awesome contributors who were working with him into meta storylines likely lost the ability to continue those storylines, and at the other end of this observation, I'm still thinking Spoony has a long way to go before he really accepts what's happened in the first place.

Train wreck? Meet the Train Wreck.

it is gone like something large, hovering high, has covered up the sun (part II)

(continuing from part I)

Through most of the 16th of June, Spoony thought about moving, pondering if relocating would help him get through the emotional storm. Ultimately, he decided against it, citing family issues and, well, general apathy. At this point he was also the target of a lot of misdirected ire, I think, from both fans and random strangers--and to be fair, more random strangers than fans. His response to most of these comments was sarcastic, edging into generally bitchy, but then The Invitation went out:

Anyone else want to publicly denounce me? C'mon, it's fun.

What followed, especially where one Twitterer was concerned, was an anger-laced, invective-laden diatribe against meaningless platitudes. When called on the several tweets he sent out (in an extraordinarily mild fashion), this was his response:

@0dge A bit harsh? No, it's extremely harsh, and I'm beyond giving a shit at this point.

Most of June 17th, he spent going on a diatribe against partially-finished basements:

You think Bilbo Baggins partially-finished Bag End? No, you shithead. Bilbo finished that fucker.

HopeWithinChaos tried again:

@TheSpoonyOne You realize you're going off about shit that is seriously insignificant now, right? You're just mad to be mad.

His response, as expected:

@HopeWithinChaos Fuck you, I'mma be mad at what I want.

He seemed to realize around this time that things were veering off the rails:

Hopefully will have a couple of videos up tomorrow, if I have any fans left.

Someone else got involved at this point. Spoony (of course) answered:

@Takahata101 Dude I will mess you up. You seen me lately? I'm a crazy motherfucker. You ever fight someone who's out of his fucking mind?

On the 18th of June, the folks behind Channel Awesome put Spoony on a four-week suspension from the site. You won't be overly surprised at his answer:

The accumulated filth of all their shit games and comics will foam up about your waists, and in agony youll look up screaming "review this!"

And I'll look down and whisper, "No."

Though he more directly referred to it on the 19th:

My videos will not be on TGWTG for a while. I've been suspended for 4 weeks for misconduct. I agree with the decision.

On the 20th, things continued to go downhill:

I should be whipped. I should be flogged. I am an evil, offensive excuse for a man worthy only of your spit and ridicule. Purge me.

He continued:

I am also not allowed to threaten fans or tell them to go fuck themselves anymore. Hopefully you've internalized my voice so it's automatic

And continued:

Perhaps I can come up with a code which adequately conveys my disgust and hatred towards you and the human race in general.

And continued:

Your concern is all very touching, but um, I think you're forgetting that I'm gonna say whatever the fuck I damn well please. kthx.

On the 21st, he kept going:

I don't really see the cause for outrage here. I've always been a hostile bastard. I've always ranted and screamed. Wear a fucking helmet

And kept going:

I'm just being myself. I'm simply enlightened enough to know that I am an angry, crazy motherfucker. I can't help if you don't like it.

And kept going:

I'm being honest and open. Last I heard, those were good qualities. Do you need help finding the "unfollow" button?

Suzanne Eldredge asked a question:

@TheSpoonyOne So, what do you want? I ask in all sincerity.

He answered:

@Ampersand07 I want a rebirth of glory, a renaissance of power!

And answered:

@Ampersand07 I want to stop running through my life like a man late for an appointment, afraid to look back or look forward.

And answered:

@Ampersand07 I want us to be what we used to be! I want... I want it all back the way it was. Does that answer your question?

I'd say so.

On the 21st, partially in response to these tweets, and, I'd be willing to hazard a good guess, in response to email and/or telephone conversation with Spoony directly, the Channel Awesome staff sent out a notice saying Spoony had left the building:

After recent events, Noah "The Spoony One" Antwiler and Channel Awesome have decided to part ways. Noah has made it clear that he wishes to pursue a course that is different from our own. We feel that with these different aims, it is better for Noah to be free to pursue his own goals unhindered by us.

Noah has been an immense talent on the site and we thank him for his years of hard service, both in numerous episodes of The Spoony Experiment and in the Channel Awesome Anniversary films.

We sincerely wish him the best in all future endeavors, and hope he continues to put out great quality work.

The four-week suspension, in this case, became permanent.

More to come in part III.

it is gone like something large, hovering high, has covered up the sun (part I)

How shall I gaze on my mistress’ eyes?
My thoughts must have some vent: else heart will break.
My tongue would rust as in my mouth it lies,
If eyes and thoughts were free, and that not speak.
Speak then, and tell the passions of desire;
Which turns mine eyes to floods, my thoughts to fire.

So...this one's going to be a little different than my usual. Also, there will be cursing. I'm reasonably sure that none of it will be mine.

I've been following the work of an online game reviewer named Spoony for some time now. (This is part of why; this was one of the first things I saw from him, and was fascinated--partially because we own the game.)

Spoony has a Twitter account, as do most web reviewers, and he also worked (note the past tense) for Channel Awesome/That Guy With the Glasses, and...yeah. That's where things start to go downhill.

Sometime around the end of May, beginning of June, his personal relationship suffered a fatal blow. I don't know what or why; I know there's been a great deal of mud-slinging on either side, which is, frankly, typical with any breakup. I'm not going to go into exactly what went wrong, when--both because I don't know, and because that's not really the point, here. The main thing to take away from this paragraph: Spoony and his lady broke up. Hijinks ensue.

I know that back on the tenth of June this wandered across my dash:

RT @HopeWithinChaos can you actually miss someone so much it physically hurts? // Quoting Byron helps. A little.

Three days later, he'd descended a bit emotionally:

I am filled with self-loathing and a seething disdain for the human race, thanks for asking.

and turned to alcohol:

Lonely. Send booze.

On the 14th, he heard of an internet petition telling him he should cut his hair:

Why? Because that might make me attractive and appealing to women, and we can't very well have that, fucking can we??

He'd also taken to quoting the classics again:

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. --Dante Alighieri

Then he apologized:

@HopeWithinChaos Sorry, man. I just don't even know what would make me feel better anymore, and that's where I'm really despairing.

At this point other people started chiming in (that one, particularly, recommended getting a Lego set to help with mental/emotional pain. Nope, not kidding.) This was his answer:

@Whaddageek @HopeWithinChaos Legos. Legos are going to help me get over the most crushing thing to ever happen to me. Fuck you. Fuck Legos.

He was still fairly depressed (understandably):

Need to find some way to pull myself together. Meditation or some zen shit.

Which he then immediately discards:

Screw it. Too much effort.

Jim Bevan commented on the 15th:

@TheSpoonyOne Noah, if it's that bad, consider seeing someone for therapy.

Spoony's reply:

@jbevan70 I went to a therapist. She told me to express my feelings, air it out. Trust me, no good can come of that.

Considering what followed, that seemed oddly prescient.

On the 15th (still), another Channel Awesome contributor, Obscurus Lupa, chimed in:

@TheSpoonyOne Seriously, I can't follow you anymore, dude.

This, from my perspective, seemed somewhat out of the blue--but at this point I was still skimming and tuning in only occasionally.

Spoony responded:

Aw, @Obscurus_Lupa hates me now, too. Gonna have to bust out the Adele playlist for this breakup.

Lupa responded:

@TheSpoonyOne You joked about chaining Hope up in your basement and raping her. I got no sympathy for you.

While I wasn't able to track down that actual tweet, I'm sure that--at least at one point--it existed. Spoony's response?

@Obscurus_Lupa And I apologized to her, because I was out of line.

Okay. Seems fair.

But he wasn't even close to done. Go to part II for the continuation.

and in her mouth an amethyst

(from the loss album; amidst the ferns in Crommhold Returns)

Days go by. Days go by and nights, fluttering like parchment bats, seeking the sustenance of meaning. Each day, each night, each hour draws me closer. I draw closer. I near a possibility which may change me utterly, after more than two years of striking, rapid change: much of it, of necessity, not good, or even welcomed. I will not deny I fear its coming.

(from the loss album; standing in the Dark Swamp at Quezon)

Even so, even steeped in such fear, I would rather know than remain seeking like this, forever, an arrow pointed towards an unknown target. Weapons have a way of turning in the hand, after all. And my mind knows my weak points better than any love will; my mind knows just where to strike to make me shudder apart in pain and grieving.

I am telling myself that seeing the walls wreathed in silver veins of an evening, or seeing all the ways in which I could be wrong writ on the blinds, is my mind dealing more kindly with me than the last dance with hallucinations. I also tend to agree that reality cracking into mercury glow is much more acceptable than malformed multilegged clustering insects, black as pitch and radiating evil. I suppose this is an upgrade, so to speak.

(from the loss album; watching the tracks at the Pini Rail Yards)

But I am worrying on what that says about me. How easy am I to destabilize if three months of no contact does it? It tells me I am not only not out of the woods yet, but I am so far inside the trees I cannot even see sky. I thought I was so much farther along...

To be fair, my love life has never been perfect. Whose is? But three months ago, it was closer than I've ever had it, and if I stumbled along the way, I was better able to figure out why, and how to mend things. Even my mistakes, I've earned; with pain and heartbreak and abandonment, I've paid, and I will not say it was valueless coin.

(from the loss album; in the lost village of Landsudr Holt)

After all, what do we take away from loves lost, friendships dissolved? If we learn nothing, we are bound to repeat our mistakes. All hindsight gives us is the ability to see our stumbles faster; it's still up to us how we react.

I am trying to react in better, more understandable ways, but my biggest deception--persisting even now--is that I am a rational being. I am not rational, not under any definition of the word. If that's considered a "blind spot", then the Eiffel Tower's just a little bit of casual public art.

(from the loss album; spinning in the cathedral at Evocative)

All we have is our beliefs; if they are wrong, then we don't have even them. In my case, I'm pushed farther out because all I have is speculation. I have no solid information, and so few ways of getting solid information. It is very difficult to continue moving forward, without curling up in a small unhappy ball and never getting out of bed.

And if the path we trust to stay beneath our feet crumbles under us, and we fall, sometimes the hardest thing is to let ourselves go. Because letting go, and letting ourselves fall, is supposed to mean failure; is supposed to mean giving up, or giving in. Sometimes, it's about none of those things. Sometimes, it's only about where we best need to go...and at times, the paths we need to walk are dark byways indeed.

(from the loss album; wandering the trees at Dare Designs)

Ultimately, we only control our own actions, not the actions of others, and sometimes, we don't even control those. I am searching for answers, and I want them, but...how far will I have to go to get them? Will learning them break my heart, or fracture someone else's? How do I know?

In this, I am still the arrow--once fired, I feel I must continue. Whether, in the end, I pierce my heart or the beloved's, is still unknown.

(from the loss album; looking out over the red sea at Dare Designs)

I am just as flawed, just as insecure, just as confused as anyone else. But on this path, I find I am having to be accepting of my flaws, secure about my insecurity, and understanding of my hurt and confusion. And that, I feel, is less easy than the path itself.

And somewhere, there will be an ending. Somewhere soon. I'm hoping it's good news, but I very much fear for the worst. And if it is, well...

I may not be around for a while.