Monday, June 11, 2012

and in her mouth an amethyst

(from the loss album; amidst the ferns in Crommhold Returns)

Days go by. Days go by and nights, fluttering like parchment bats, seeking the sustenance of meaning. Each day, each night, each hour draws me closer. I draw closer. I near a possibility which may change me utterly, after more than two years of striking, rapid change: much of it, of necessity, not good, or even welcomed. I will not deny I fear its coming.

(from the loss album; standing in the Dark Swamp at Quezon)

Even so, even steeped in such fear, I would rather know than remain seeking like this, forever, an arrow pointed towards an unknown target. Weapons have a way of turning in the hand, after all. And my mind knows my weak points better than any love will; my mind knows just where to strike to make me shudder apart in pain and grieving.

I am telling myself that seeing the walls wreathed in silver veins of an evening, or seeing all the ways in which I could be wrong writ on the blinds, is my mind dealing more kindly with me than the last dance with hallucinations. I also tend to agree that reality cracking into mercury glow is much more acceptable than malformed multilegged clustering insects, black as pitch and radiating evil. I suppose this is an upgrade, so to speak.

(from the loss album; watching the tracks at the Pini Rail Yards)

But I am worrying on what that says about me. How easy am I to destabilize if three months of no contact does it? It tells me I am not only not out of the woods yet, but I am so far inside the trees I cannot even see sky. I thought I was so much farther along...

To be fair, my love life has never been perfect. Whose is? But three months ago, it was closer than I've ever had it, and if I stumbled along the way, I was better able to figure out why, and how to mend things. Even my mistakes, I've earned; with pain and heartbreak and abandonment, I've paid, and I will not say it was valueless coin.

(from the loss album; in the lost village of Landsudr Holt)

After all, what do we take away from loves lost, friendships dissolved? If we learn nothing, we are bound to repeat our mistakes. All hindsight gives us is the ability to see our stumbles faster; it's still up to us how we react.

I am trying to react in better, more understandable ways, but my biggest deception--persisting even now--is that I am a rational being. I am not rational, not under any definition of the word. If that's considered a "blind spot", then the Eiffel Tower's just a little bit of casual public art.

(from the loss album; spinning in the cathedral at Evocative)

All we have is our beliefs; if they are wrong, then we don't have even them. In my case, I'm pushed farther out because all I have is speculation. I have no solid information, and so few ways of getting solid information. It is very difficult to continue moving forward, without curling up in a small unhappy ball and never getting out of bed.

And if the path we trust to stay beneath our feet crumbles under us, and we fall, sometimes the hardest thing is to let ourselves go. Because letting go, and letting ourselves fall, is supposed to mean failure; is supposed to mean giving up, or giving in. Sometimes, it's about none of those things. Sometimes, it's only about where we best need to go...and at times, the paths we need to walk are dark byways indeed.

(from the loss album; wandering the trees at Dare Designs)

Ultimately, we only control our own actions, not the actions of others, and sometimes, we don't even control those. I am searching for answers, and I want them, but...how far will I have to go to get them? Will learning them break my heart, or fracture someone else's? How do I know?

In this, I am still the arrow--once fired, I feel I must continue. Whether, in the end, I pierce my heart or the beloved's, is still unknown.

(from the loss album; looking out over the red sea at Dare Designs)

I am just as flawed, just as insecure, just as confused as anyone else. But on this path, I find I am having to be accepting of my flaws, secure about my insecurity, and understanding of my hurt and confusion. And that, I feel, is less easy than the path itself.

And somewhere, there will be an ending. Somewhere soon. I'm hoping it's good news, but I very much fear for the worst. And if it is, well...

I may not be around for a while.

No comments: