Tuesday, May 31, 2016

so it's gonna be forever or it's gonna go down in flames

There are times I love my new job at Sakura, and then there are times like these, when it baffles me beyond all comprehension.
[12:56] Emilly Orr: Greetings again.
I had met this fellow all but once previously, when he ported up to my skybox without my asking and I had to grab a towel quickly and turn the shower off. It was an odd introduction, to be sure.
[13:00] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Sxxx Cxxxxxxx] was talking about you
[13:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you addicted him
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and that he lost sleep thinking about you
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Oh, my.
[13:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really shouldnt do that to men
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I'm honestly surprised I did.
I looked up the name given, and...I honestly have no memory of the man. If he was a client, I'm sure I only saw him once, but...once isn't enough to addict someone, is it?
[13:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: his wife has left him
What? Wait, no, what? How, exactly, am I responsible for this?
[13:05] Emilly Orr blinks
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I had nothing to do with that.
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me that you made him feel so addicted
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he had to confess to his wife
[13:07] Emilly Orr: I'd heard none of this.
Because really, this is going a tad bit far, isn't it?
[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it only happened one hour ago
[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she left him
[13:09] Emilly Orr: I can't imagine how I made such a large impression on him.
I really can't. For certain, were it one of my patrons with whom I've invested time, attention, and seen more than simply once...perhaps, perhaps it would be possible to...to...well, entice them easily, let's say. I do not believe I can addict people with just a kiss!
[13:09] Emilly Orr: You're sure it was me?
[13:09] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: certain, he told me the details
[13:10] Emilly Orr mislikes sounding cold, but there's no image on his profile. She isn't placing a face to the name.
[13:10] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh gosh
[13:12] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he showed me the text
Well, that proves it, doesn't it? Save...what text? Obviously, text I haven't seen. How do I defend myself if I don't know what's been said?
[13:12] Emilly Orr: And of a certainty, if he had spoken to me about these feelings, there were things that could be done without him detonating his life.
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you took his soul
[13:13] Emilly Orr: I did not.
I didn't, you take that back! Besides, I only have one soul, and the vampire who gave it to me gave it willingly. I doubt he truly misses it, anyway.
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel really nervous talking to you now
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: after I learned about the effect you had on him
[13:14] Emilly Orr: Because you fear I'm some sort of ...of evil enchantress, or something?
[13:16] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, a Succubus
[13:16] Emilly Orr: Preposterous.
Very preposterous. I mean, I have been called an evil enchantress, but I've never taken that seriously. And succubus?

...Well, there was that one time in Lumindor when the magics in the area turned, and demonic power rose, but...I got over that. And I mostly blame the succubus-seeming on one certain incubus I'd known of old, so...
[13:17] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you make me feel very nervous now
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what you are capable of with men
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but he is deeply troubled
Hmm. If he was that deeply troubled, why didn't he talk to me about it? This is too odd.
[13:19] Emilly Orr: This is all very strange. Plus, remember, I did not entice you into my web of entrapping...whatever, you came to me. Literally, poofed over my head whilst I was in the shower!
[13:19] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that was before I heard his tale of woe
[13:22] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you can't entrance people that way
Wait...so, he was full-on in future seduction mode until he heard about this guy? One story--which may or may not be true--and now I'm anathema. I'm so confused.
[13:22] Emilly Orr: Prove this to me. I would not ask for a complete chat transcript, but something where he mentions me specifically would help.
[13:23] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please dont ask this of me
[13:24] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am already troubled by his plight
I am beginning to suspect this didn't actually happen...
[13:24] Emilly Orr: But how else do I know this is true? There's no picture on his profile. Perhaps if you have a photo of him, that might help?
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you must have a sense of the effect you have on certain types of men
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: this poor guy was married to a boring wife
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and you set him on fire with desire
I did? One session? If that's true, mayhap I should charge more. Or require signed consent forms.
[13:26] Emilly Orr: Should I apologize to him?
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I would just leave it be to be honest
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I will talk him through things
Of course you will. Because he may not actually exist. (Save for he does have a profile. With no picture. Hmm...)
[13:27] Emilly Orr: Well, this entire thing is so very confusing.
[13:28] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please be careful around vulnerable men
[13:29] Emilly Orr: How on earth am I to know they're vulnerable beforehand??
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know the answer to that
I'd bet not. But I am now wondering about putting up a sign in my studio at Sakura, saying that I am not responsible for any feelings of obsession or addiction that may arise from time spent with me. Would that work?
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but this guy was truly spellbound by you
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was like he was walking around in a trance
Really? One hour with me, and he's a thrall, a husk with no will of his own? Really??
[13:32] Emilly Orr: Well, this is both perplexing and slightly unnerving.
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know what he told me?
[13:32] Emilly Orr: What?
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you "took his soul"
[13:33] Emilly Orr: I do not take souls.
I don't. As I said before, I only have the one, and that was given to me. I don't ask for them, I don't remove them, I don't take them, and I certainly don't make men into zombies that cannot function. I mean, what's the point in that?
[13:33] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was his interpretation of what happened ... all is interpretation you know that
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Of course, but...In all seriousness, if he was that addicted, as you say, why have I never heard of him since?
I mean, if one were a tormented, impassioned soul slaved to my wicked wiles...wouldn't you think he'd at least IM me now and again?
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: when I met you
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the first time
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt your aura, your power
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and it slightly unnerved me
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Unnerved you?
What am I, Anita Blake??
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because I knew if I took one step towards you
[13:35] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it would be so difficult to step back
[13:36] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: You are like a Siren
Really? Me? I'm a siren. I'm a mermaid singing sailors to their doom. The power of my...err, presence sucks the soul right out of them? Really, now.
[13:36] Emilly Orr: And yet you are intimates with our Beth. She does not...what is the phrase...seduce your soul?
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I avoid getting too close to her
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she would [f**k] my mind up if I did
Well, that's certainly blunt. So she's a siren, too?
[13:37] Emilly Orr: Oh, but she's a sweetheart.
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:38] Emilly Orr: You laugh because you think I'm wrong, or because you agree?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: She's a devil, a demon in a short denim skirt
[13:39] Emilly Orr: Oh my.
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with buttons up the front
[13:39] Emilly Orr: So she's a succubus as well?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: of course she is, you both are
[13:39] Emilly Orr: But you're more afraid of me.
Should I start wearing a warning label, or something? "Contents may be addictive"? "Warning: Dangerous to men, approach with care"? After all, I used to say openly on my profile that I was dangerous to hearts...
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I am because you get deep inside the folds
That sounds...filthy.
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and never allow the man any escape
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you consume him
[13:40] Emilly Orr: Nonsense.
That sounds...implausible.
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I saw the text from that guy
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really [f**ked] with his mind
[13:40] Emilly Orr: I did not!
[13:41] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know what I saw
I'm sure there's either something he wasn't telling me, or he was spinning this out from whole thread.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: I remember clients I've spent a good amount of time with, I even remember names of some clients from before I was with Sakura. The only ones I tend not to have strong recall of are those who only spent one night with me, a handful of hours, or even less than one hour.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: He has to have been in that latter camp.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: How could one sole hour have ruined him utterly? I disbelieve.
Because if this mysterious, intangible fellow was that easily entranced, then he ought not to have been allowed onto SL without a keeper.
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I got the sense he spent more time with you, but did not ask him for details
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: right now
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: there is no way I am putting my avatar next to yours
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am scared of you
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont mind admitting it
I do not understand why.
[13:44] Emilly Orr: Well, I will say it is a pity, for I will not lie; even after surprising me like that, you were attractive enough for me to sit and talk afterwards.
To be fair, even had he not said he was friends with Beth, he was very pretty...pardon me, I likely should say handsome, but "pretty" fits better.
[13:44] Emilly Orr: I don't usually make a habit of that.
[13:44] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt immediately attracted to you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know that
[13:45] Emilly Orr: I thought that it was mutual.
I did, too.
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I had a sense of a future destiny with you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: until I heard all of this
Future...what?? Wait, from 'I'm afraid of you' to 'We have a destiny together'? The hell is with this guy??
[13:45] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:45] Emilly Orr: Yet...now you're turning away from that, out of...fear?
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no
[13:46] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am just going to take time to reflect
[13:46] Emilly Orr: Ah. Well, I was going to ask if you wished to remove me from your friendslist, if you felt so endangered. But if you're reflecting...well, I can offer to pull back a bit more.
[13:46] Emilly Orr: No longer greet you when I see you online, for example.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: will you take complete control of me if I come closer?
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Why would I want to do that?
Why would I want to do that? That sounds utterly dull.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because you are dominant
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Hardly.
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Though I can attempt it, should a patron desire.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, that's what happened to him
[13:48] Emilly Orr: I took control of him?
[13:48] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
Because...of course, I did. Because that sounds so much like me. Is there another Emilly Orr on the grid of whom I'm unaware?
[13:48] Emilly Orr: You do know how odd this all is, yes? That someone was spinning that out of control over me, and I cannot fully recall him?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what your response was
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I would like to think, were he that enthralled, I would remember him.
Because that kind of infatuation, usually, I hear from them more than just once, you know?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so what will happen to me if I come closer to you?
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I truly don't know. Do you wish to be dominated?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:49] Emilly Orr: Oh.
[13:50] Emilly Orr: Really?
That threw me for a loop, admittedly.
[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with you yes, with others no
[13:50] Emilly Orr: So, you are not by nature submissive.
[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I normally dominate
Now that, I fully believe. He didn't strike me, upon first acquaintance, as someone anxious and fearful; he struck me as someone confident, nay, arrogant in all things.
[13:52] Emilly Orr: Which I understand, but...you said you were afraid of me. While fear can spice interactions nicely, true, deep fear is not something conducive to domination of anything.
[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I need to trust you before submitting to you
Don't we all? But that's been a truth, at least for me--I cannot be submissive to anyone, even for pay, that I don't trust at least a little; and the same goes for dominance games. I cannot find it in me to control another's life, or at least body, even temporarily without trust.
[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: at the moment I feel very nervous
[13:53] Emilly Orr: Well, obviously. Trust is important, even for occasional things.
[13:53] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel that you want to entangle me, and draw me under your spell
[13:54] Emilly Orr: I don't think wanting you in my bed, and tangled in my arms is equivalent to drawing you under a spell.
Are we still talking about the same things?
[13:54] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so you dont wish to bewitch me?
[13:55] Emilly Orr: Do you think I should try?
[13:55] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you are already trying
[13:56] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel you surrounding me with silvery tendrils
[13:56] Emilly Orr: If so, it's nothing I'm doing consciously.
Silvery tendrils? Oh, flashbacks to Lumindor...but even there, I was using that manifestion of demonic energy deliberately. This seems something he's picking up that I have zero control over, and what's more, zero awareness of doing.
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I know it is entirely subconscious on your part
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: your inner self is reaching for me
It is? It's like I'm trusting all this on faith, or...put another way, being led down a merry path of deception and subterfuge. Mayhap it's both.
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: its a plane of immanence
[13:58] Emilly Orr: What happens if I do ensnare you?
[13:58] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know, it really scares me
Why does something I can't even do terrify him so? I still don't understand.
[13:59] Emilly Orr: But surely, you're a dominant enough personality to avoid such untried attempts?
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I guess I become owned by you
[13:59] Emilly Orr: Owned by...well, there's a rather stunning thought.
I mean, look. I'm much happier being spanked than doing the spanking, but given the right motivation, it can be quite enticing to dole out punishments and rewards to a partner instead. So it's not the worst scenario to own someone--in the general sense--rather than be owned.

That having been said, I still don't understand why he's so afraid of something I'm not even sure I can do, let alone do willingly. And to own him utterly, just from having him as a patron? I have my doubts.
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am dominant and strong, but not sure if I can resist you
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he was strong before he met you
[14:00] Emilly Orr: I am not a force to cripple unwary men. Truly, I'm not.
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know you dont intend to do it deliberately
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Well, I shall attempt to...restrain myself.
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Why ever not?
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I think you will desire, truly desire to consume me
[14:02] Emilly Orr: I...well...that's not entirely untrue, but...only parts of you you will not miss?
*Ahem*. So to speak.
[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what happens if I become totally addicted to you
[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that weakness of my part
[14:03] Emilly Orr: I...don't know. Before this conversation, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I am not a drug.
[14:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well, it seems you are in fact
Definitely need to work on a warning label.
[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you wear black lingerie to seduce men
[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that true?
[14:04] Emilly Orr: I do own black lingerie, but I own more in other shades.
Now I know this fellow's pulling my leg. No man would tell another man that.
[14:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so if a man develops an appetite for you in lingerie you deliberately enhance the effect?
[14:05] Emilly Orr: No, not at all. I simply like lingerie.
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have a huge fetish for ladies in lingerie
[14:06] Emilly Orr: Do you, now?
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: especially nylon or silk stockings
It's all beginning to make sense...I think. This is his idea of flirting, or...something? But if that's so, who's the fellow in question who was so obsessed with me? Was he just a random name pulled out of a virtual hat?
[14:06] Emilly Orr has a few sets that would suit, yes.
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you kept him permanently erect
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I did?
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[14:07] Emilly Orr: How would I do that?
Seriously. That's not even possible. Is that even possible? That's not possible.
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I don't, either.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: few women can do that to a man
[14:08] Emilly Orr: Indeed. It sounds like a...sizeable task.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: unsurmountable in most cases
We'll fade to black at that point, even though little else happened; but this was the part of the conversation that mystifies me. I still don't know if I should contact the fellow mentioned, or leave him alone entirely; I also don't know if he's just an alt of this first fellow.

Men baffle me greatly on occasion.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

is there a chance you may change your mind? or are we ashes and wine?

"The writing drought is over, at least for now."
Or, at least, until life went boom again, both on and offworld, my aetheric engine's main drive died, one of my RL partners had elbow surgery, and various other things went wrong or sideways.

And then...something else happened.

Hagalaz ring from Silver Achemy Jewelry on Etsy.
Hagalaz, the coming storm. Hagalaz represents the hailstorm, damaging, brutal force, but force that sweeps away what must be destroyed in order to bring fertility and life to new things. It will bring life, it will be a boon to creativity and growth, but it will do so through sudden, inevitable, unavoidable devastation.

This particular ring is through Silver Alchemy Jewelry, and retails for $57.55, exclusive of shipping.
I'm not going to go into that right now. I'm still not sure if I have the words to say what went wrong, and why. But I'm now dealing with the aftermath, a bare handful of days later. I'm picking up from there.

[00:48] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, if you want, you could come over here. I will promise to be a good boy.

There's heavier anonymity on this one than others, even though those who know me and the person in question will know to whom this refers.

[00:51] Emilly Orr: I'm...not sure.

Because so much went wrong, so fast, and I'm still unsettled, disturbed, uneasy in all communications.

[00:51] XXXXXXXXXX: It's okay. I leave it up to you, but I'd like the company.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: I know. And I know you have good intentions, now.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, I know, monster.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: But I will do my best.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: Not monster.

Eihwaz, the Yew.
Eihwaz is the yew tree, the spiritual center force. In a strong sense, it represents spiritual support, but it is natural support--the support of the tree's strength, the wind's power, the urge to grow and develop. It is not a rune to invoke lightly--it will protect and defend, but it will not discriminate between self and other, enemy and friend.

This particular piece of art came from Znachenie site, but I don't know if the art is original with them.
There's an unfortunate tendency with this person to polarize everything. It's not just okay or not okay; it's pure good or pure evil. Women don't have issues with him; they apparently hate him utterly, or are repulsed or disgusted by him. He doesn't make mistakes; instead, he's evil and a monster who causes nothing but devastating harm.

This is not the best way to live, but it's not my mind. I thought I was a black and white thinker, but he's proven to me that my world is a shifting, multi-hued monochromatic palette of opportunities and subtle inflections.

[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: I will try not to be, at least.
[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: Anyway, up to you.
[00:56] Emilly Orr thinks, then shrugs.
[00:57] Emilly Orr: Okay. Let's try a port.

At this point, he offered a port. I took it. My shoulders were tense, I was fighting to keep my breathing even. It wasn't easy.

After some initial conversation, we settled into single seats on a lounge.

Hand-forged Uruz pendant from Wulflund Jewelry.
Uruz represents strength and power, but without subtlety. This is male energy, determined to get what it wants, at any cost. Uruz is the bull, the aurochs, capable of quiet strength as well as rampaging, destructive power.

This particular pendant is sold through Wulflund Jewelry, for $12.13 exclusive of shipping.
[01:05] XXXXXXXXXX leans over and puts his head against your shoulder.
[01:08] XXXXXXXXXX: I still feel a little weird overall.
[01:09] Emilly Orr: You've taken a few upsets, it's understandable.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over and very gently touches your hair.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, but all I can do is try to keep going.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: And try to work on my disguise.
[01:10] Emilly Orr: Or behavior.
[01:10] XXXXXXXXXX pulls his hand back.
[01:10] Emilly Orr shakes her head, smiling gently.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I didn't mean for those two to be connected.

Even so, I tensed again when he touched my hair.

[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX: Oh. Okay.
[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX is trying to be careful.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I know.

This is when pauses, at least on my side, started to get long, because...I was trying to figure out how to word things, without sounding like a complete coward, but also without sounding like everything was just fine now, and we were perfect. Because we're far, far from perfect at this point.

[01:13] XXXXXXXXXX: I like being near you.
[01:13] Emilly Orr smiles
[01:17] XXXXXXXXXX: I like your hair like that, but I like your hair down, too.
[01:18] Emilly Orr: I could change it, if you like.
[01:18] XXXXXXXXXX: I wouldn't mind, but I want you to be comfortable.

I found some hair that was, more or less, the color I'd been wearing before, just not in spiraled curls pinned into a low bun, but a drape of hair over one shoulder.

[01:22] XXXXXXXXXX: I know I've taken your hair down before.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over, gently, and slides his fingers into your hair.
[01:23] Emilly Orr shivers.
[01:23] Emilly Orr: You have.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX: I like making you shiver. As long as it's a good shiver.
[01:28] XXXXXXXXXX watches your face.
[01:28] Emilly Orr was deciding if it was a good shiver or not.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: What did you come up with?
[01:29] Emilly Orr thinks it was, but she still feels...easily startled.

Thursa talisman from Menglod in Sweden.

Thursa, Thurisaz, the Thorn. This is the needle that sticks, the claw that slices, to release chaos, destruction, and fearful pain. This is one of the strongest protection runes, but any shield with Thursa in its center will, like Hagalaz, strike both the user and the enemy. Unlike Hagalaz' storm, which passes, Thursa strikes until there is nothing and no one left to strike against. If the querent pulls this rune, they need to face their most primal fears, or abandon what gives them safety and strike out on unknown paths.

This is a talisman made by Menglod, made of black reindeer leather and lacing, with an added magpie feather. It retails for $36.97, exclusive of shipping.
I still do. I'd given him the analogy in an earlier conversation, of thinking about coaxing a wild animal out of the woods, to feed out of his hand. How one has to be careful, how movements too rushed, or too large, can startle the animal away. He said then, he understood. Even now, I don't think he does.

[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: I understand.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX puts a finger under your chin and tilts your face up towards him.
[01:30] Emilly Orr watches you, but doesn't resist.

What? No. What? Wait. Why am I not resisting? I'm not thinking I'm ready for...

[01:31] XXXXXXXXXX pauses, and brushes his lips very gently against yours, then pulls back.
[01:32] Emilly Orr shivers again, leaning in taking a bit to realize you've pulled back, and inhales slowly.

...okay, that wasn't terrible, I guess. Still a bit too close...

[01:32] XXXXXXXXXX cups your cheek with his hand, watching your eyes, not moving any more.
[01:33] Emilly Orr: What do you want, [XXXXXXXXXX]?
[01:33] XXXXXXXXXX: Right now? I want to kiss you.
[01:34] Emilly Orr breathes, then nods slowly.

So, there was kissing, which I wasn't entirely sure I wanted. I'm not including it because I'm writing this pretty much off-the-cuff, trying to figure things out.

[01:39] XXXXXXXXXX pulls back after a few more moments, looking at your face, his arm curling gently around your waist.
[01:41] Emilly Orr leans in against you, tenses a bit, breathes through it, and relaxes again.
[01:41] XXXXXXXXXX frowns a little, and pulls back.
[01:42] Emilly Orr tilts her head, watching you.
[01:42] XXXXXXXXXX: Too much?

Hell, yes. FAR too much. Ask me again in a few more days. Ask me again in a week. Ask me again in a friggin' month, now is too soon, so yes. Too much. TOO MUCH.


[01:43] Emilly Orr: Conflicting impulses.

was what I said. Cue aggrieved sigh at self.

Nauthiz run from TheWitchesMark on Etsy.

Nauthiz represents emergency, crisis, immediate problems that need to be addressed. Crisis situations can pull our focus tight, can make us capable to climb mountains, organize search parties, fight back and win...or they can trigger past experiences, and cripple us, until we refocus our intentions and choose to move forward.

Force and pressure are contained in Nauthiz. Force can break us, or it can make us stronger. But Nauthiz is the rune of pressure points, pulling out where we are weak to teach us how to be strong.

This version of the rune is made out of oxidized copper, and is sold by The Witches' Mark for $45.00 exclusive of shipping.
[01:43] XXXXXXXXXX takes your hand. "Tell me about them?"
[01:44] Emilly Orr holds your hand. "I know, if I say no, and you don't accept it, I'll just log off. No discussion, at least not for tonight. And I know you didn't bring me here for sex, or...at least, I don't think you did."
[01:44] XXXXXXXXXX: Say no to what?
[01:45] Emilly Orr looks up, meets your eyes. "But...part of me wants to fall back into pattern. Climb into your lap and...And I don't know if that's a good impulse, or a bad one."
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Hmm?
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Well, anything, really. I mean, not 'want to go outside', or something trivial, I mean, if you pull me into a sexual pose, and I say no, and you don't stop.
[01:46] XXXXXXXXXX looks straight into your eyes. "I won't lie. I'd love to be inside you, right now.. But no, it's not why I brought you here."
[01:47] Emilly Orr nods. She knows. She felt it in the kiss.
[01:48] XXXXXXXXXX: I sure as hell hope you did, or I'm doing it wrong.
[01:48] Emilly Orr smiles.

His problem is, again, polarized thinking. He's either terrifyingly insecure, or massively arrogant. I could have dealt easier with insecurity.

[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I brought you here for us to sit together and try to work on building a little comfort back.
[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I won't pull you into a sex pose. Is a cuddle okay, though?
[01:49] Emilly Orr thinks about it, then nods.
[01:50] Emilly Orr rests against you.
[01:50] XXXXXXXXXX leans in and kisses you again, slowly and warmly.
[01:51] Emilly Orr cups your cheek, kissing you, softer brush of her lips to yours.

Falling into old patterns. Falling into old patterns while feeling this startled, this unsettled. It wasn't good.

It was also approaching two AM, though. While I had been going to bed at three, I've been trying to adjust to sleeping at two, because of the new schedule the others in my RL life want to keep. I explained this carefully.

[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Aha.
[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, I'd like it if you'd stay a while longer, but I napped and you probably didn't.
[02:02] Emilly Orr: Not a lot, no. And today saw us rising at nine.
[02:02] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay. Do you need to go, then?
[02:04] Emilly Orr thinks a bit, and then nods.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: Probably.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: But I didn't have to run.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: That's progress?
[02:06] Emilly Orr: I think so.

I still think so. Because I was prepared to run. I was expecting to have to run. Hells, I expected I'd have to just hit "log off" and hope I remembered on the morrow to log back in in my home base, not his cabin.

[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX: Good, then.
[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX will let you go, but first:
[02:07] XXXXXXXXXX slides his fingers into your hair and kisses you again, but this time he does it as hard as he's wanted to all night long, his mouth pressing strongly against your own.


But, as usual:

[02:08] Emilly Orr tenses on your lap, but kisses you, tongue licking the roof of your mouth, backs of her fingers drawing along the side of your neck.
[02:08] XXXXXXXXXX: Mmmmm. That's a nice way to end the night.

Not if he knew what I'd been thinking. Tensing, but then relaxing, because it's easier to move away with a relaxed body; and pulling the backs of my fingers along his neck, because I know how easy it is for me to change into cat claws and tear his throat out.

All of which brings me back to no, no, it wasn't a nice way to end the night. But, now, since I didn't say much of this aloud, he's going to think he's done well towards fixing things, and it's just a matter of time before everything goes back to the way it was.

And for my part, I'm now thinking perhaps I need to take a week away from SL, because if I'm not at the keys, then I can't respond to what he has to say.

Conflicting impulses? We're now past that. I think we're now in conflicting realities.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

go make some new disaster

Several months ago...

Yeah. It's been a while. I got to the point where I realized that the longer I put it off, the longer it would be before I said anything. So...I made plans to write an entry, even if it was a short fluff piece.

And...a week later, I realized I still hadn't written that short entry, so I spent part of last night, and part of today, off and on, changing things a bit. I'm still not sold on how big most of the charity link banners are now, and the colors still seem somewhat...off...but for now, it's enough. I can stop here and work on writing later and we'll see where we are when that happens.

And...that's about it for now. Cheers, I guess. The writing drought is over, at least for now.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

heed my warning and steer well clear

Today's troubles actually started earlier in the week, when there were two very early mornings of "unplanned maintenance". But today, it's apparently been worse:
[13:37] xxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i just relogged and nothing
[13:38] xxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: grrr
[13:38] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Yeah, the asset server has been munged all day.
[13:38] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yep, and they just posted that they completed the unscheduled maintenance - riiiggght
[13:39] Axxxxx Rxxxxxxx: From another group: [13:36] [cxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx]: I just contacted live chat support and they basically told me they had sent the all clear message too soon and the case has not been solved - they're going to update the status blog
[13:39] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is it working any better now? I just logged back on and I'm hoping it's all better by now.
[13:39] mxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: iam fixed tho
[13:39] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Eeenope.
[13:39] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not really
[13:39] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: awe pewp
[13:39] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: my face is grey, mesh body won't attach....
[13:39] mxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and i can wear and unwear anything from my inventory
[13:39] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so same old pewp then lol
[13:39] Dxxxx Vxxxxxxxxx: i will say things are "better"
[13:40] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it's worse for me than it was a few minutes ago...lol
[13:40] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh well...all things considered...lol
[13:40] xxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: grrr
[13:41] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I must say, I make a lovely gray Faun hehe
[13:41] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so something got major borked....that's for sure.
[13:41] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: At least my clothes and body parts loaded properly.
[13:41] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: grins
[13:41] Axxxxx Axxxxx: well I can rez and delete things again but my missing inv did not come back
[13:41] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so why did they say it was "completed"????
[13:41] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Ack, missing inventory is bad.
[13:42] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [RESOLVED 1:15 PM PST, 10 January 2016] The unscheduled Maintenance has been completed.
[13:42] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Nope.
[13:42] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :P
[13:42] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well they are still working on it hopefully....
[13:42] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lies
[13:43] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: or maybe just wishful thinking....lol
[13:43] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yeah could be that too
And fron another group:
[13:35] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: well its completed but i look worse
[13:35] Axxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yes, but my inv hasn't read the news yet.
[13:35] Vxxxxx Cxxxxxxxxxx: Likely story...lol
[13:35] Txxxx Jxxxxx: don't you believe it.
[13:35] Axxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: I'm not having issues with this chat, but with others, yeah >_<
[13:35] Vxxxxx Cxxxxxxxxxx: Now for the regularly programed if it works... break it.
[13:36] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is anyone out there still having issues?
[13:36] Sxxxxx Fxxxxxxx: Me.
[13:36] mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: we all are
[13:36] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: yes [mxxx]... me
[13:37] sxxxxx Axx: me
[13:37] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Axxx: me to
[13:37] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh ok
[13:37] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ty
[13:37] mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:37] Lxxxxxxxxx Sxxxxxx: things went ok for about 15 minutes and then boom....issues again
[13:37] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:37] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: getting there .. I am scared to log
[13:37] Sxxxxx Fxxxxxxx: Trying to unpack something and getting error message "Cannot create requested inventory"
[13:37] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: see lol
[13:38] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Axxx: i came in naked -.-
[13:38] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: omg..and I fought all night with new mesh body .it aint ME ...phew
[13:38] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yes still issues... and a women in another group said she called LL and they said they posted that 'resolved' notice too soon and will be reposting. So I'm just relaying the message...don't shoot the messenger. :D
[13:38] Axxxxx Vxxxxxxxx: yes, this isn't resolved so do not rezz stuff
[13:38] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: can we see?? [txxxx]
[13:38] Axxxxx Vxxxxxxxx: but chat is working better now for me
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no rezzing, purchase moving ..just hold...... grrrr
[13:39] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: my body is back but my face still grey
[13:39] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Axxx: hahahaha i am to embarrased Jo :(
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Mxxx]...edit shape..just click..you will rezz right in
[13:39] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: awwww its alright .... im all grey ... LOL
[13:39] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yep for me too
[13:39] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: just click ..worked for me
[13:39] sxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I haven't relogged. Thinking that might be required? still getting inventory errors.
[13:39] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: i missed ruth
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: SL ppl said too
[13:39] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: just stay quiet, dont move, dont rez anything, be happy with just having logged in :)
[13:40] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: hi5 [Rxxxx]
[13:40] Vxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: in some site, they say that they will send a new advice in a few... "problems not solved..."
[13:40] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: actually i look like ruth....
[13:40] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Rxxxx].... lol Yea! What you said! And barely breathe too!
[13:40] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :D
[13:40] Vxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so i log off and I fly to bed
[13:40] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol [lxxxx]
[13:40] Axxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: you can chat, you can still slap boards, be happy LL is saving your lindens for tomorrow
[13:40] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: nini
[13:40] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :d
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes [Axx]...
[13:41] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: slap boards without clothes???
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ni nite!
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yea go for it Jo! Run free!
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:41] Kxxxxxx Nxxxxxx: lol
[13:41] ixxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: cant slap boards..moving is rough
[13:41] Kxxxxxx Nxxxxxx: or full body alpha it :)
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and they called her the STREAK
[13:41] sxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: everyone's a big orange cloud anyway! We probably won't see your private bits!
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: OOPS ...song hit me
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is it? I haven't moved at all... still fetching my inventory. lol
[13:41] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i am in protected land, i recovered my shape, skin and all things i usually wear. plus i dressed :)
[13:41] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: LOL
[13:42] cxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yay they have fixed it :D im all back to normals i just logged back in
[13:42] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: hahaha... yea they won't notice if you shaved or not either!
[13:42] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: is it laggy over there?? renan
[13:42] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :D
[13:42] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i was ok ..i made sure when i went to bed i was home and dressed in case
[13:42] Axxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: it's not fixed [Cxxxx] lol
[13:42] cxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: RESOLVED 1:15 PM PST, 10 January 2016] The unscheduled Maintenance has been completed.
[13:42] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: only if the physic layer still works
[13:42] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not at all
[13:42] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: search for SARA
[13:42] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and go
[13:43] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: im still grey
[13:43] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: ok
[13:43] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: in places i mean, it is only water
[13:43] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Cxxxx]... they said they shouldn't have posted that and will be posting again but things aren't resolved. :( But it's ok. Run around naked and be free!
[13:43] cxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ive logged back in and everyone is unclouded , and i has my hair and feets back lol
[13:43] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh yay! well maybe you got lucky :)
[13:44] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh .... inhales...gonna try it..
Yep. Things are dicey out there, folks. Be careful.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why


All I was doing was trying to log into SL.

So I went off to check the SL grid status. Apparently, the announcement went up a bit before one AM:
[Posted 12:51 AM PST, 09 January 2016]

We are performing unscheduled maintenance. While the maintenance is in progress, some residents may experience login issues and residents in-world may be logged off or experience degraded performance. Please check back here for updates.
Okay! So, the unplanned maintenance was really unplanned. Wonder what went wrong?

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

and I'll burn my mind on this nothing

And this is how we heard:
[17:07] Cayenne Republic: store is gone
[17:07] Cayenne Republic: clubhaus is gone, find a sandbox
[17:07] Veruca Monday: :-(
[17:07] Lulubelle Muircastle: MOCK is gone?
[17:07] Emilly Orr: Oh, no.
[17:07] Emilly Orr checks the marketplace
[17:07] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): :((
[17:07] Ξ Ѡ λ η η λ Ξ (wannabeekiwi.bluebird): ohh nooo
[17:07] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): that's so not like her to not message. I hope she's ok.
[17:08] Ruina Kessel: :(
[17:08] Ξ Ѡ λ η η λ Ξ (wannabeekiwi.bluebird): :(
[17:08] Emilly Orr: Yes, still there, on the marketplace
[17:08] Emilly Orr: I hope she's okay too
[17:08] Cayenne Republic: she's fine
[17:08] Cayenne Republic: she's just busy with RL
[17:09] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): I used to have her youtube link, but I can't find it now. Maybe someone can message her there?
[17:09] Ruina Kessel: Are you in contact Cayenne?
[17:09] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): oh ok, that's great to hear!!
[17:09] Cayenne Republic: https://www.facebook.com/mockmadeup/
[17:09] Cayenne Republic: http://mockmadeup.blogspot.com/
[17:09] Ruina Kessel: ty!
[17:09] Cayenne Republic: yw :)
[17:09] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): thanks for that Cayenne, just hit Like :)
[17:10] Emilly Orr: So, she's not coming back as an SL store?
[17:12] Cayenne Republic: I'd say no, since she's removed the shop from her FB page and there's no mention of second life; and the shop is gone and the space for rent ... but you can surely send her a FB message and ask lol
[17:13] Emilly Orr: Not on FB, I'll leave that to those who are, but I do wish her well.
Now, I'm still able to find her in search, so she hasn't completely deleted her avatar, but...I'm thinking, at least for now, she's done with SL. I've deleted my longstanding pick for [MOCK] Cosmetics, because it leads to land for rent now, but...I'm not sure what to do with the group. I like the people, there's some genuine good and caring hearts in there, but...if Mock's not coming back, what's the point of the group without her?

And for this one, I left the names in, because....well, just because. Still kind of tilted over the fact that Mock didn't even leave us a message before killing her store. I don't...I don't understand that.

[Update from the Editrix, 7 Jan: this notice was sent out whilst I was away from the keys.
Hello! Just an FYI that the main store is currently under re-construction. We will be working over the next few days to get everything back in place.

Thank you all for your support and Happy New Year!
Did she just...expect no one would notice the store being missing and the sim up for sale? But okay, seems like she's moving to a new sim, and she'll let us know when things are back up? So...yay?]

Saturday, January 2, 2016

what is beauty compared to grief?

Wayne Rogers has passed away December 31st, due to complications from pneumonia, at the age of 82. While many of us remember him from his work on the initial seasons of M.A.S.H. and as a character actor on other shows, he was also quite successful as a money manager and investment consultant.

We also lost Natalie Cole on the same day, and Meadowlark Lemon died on the 28th.

There are more, but ooof. Not up to scanning the obits right now.

In better news, I have new things up at :[Oak & Elm]:! So far, just four William Etty nudes, but there will me more to come! Yay!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

there is water, there is snow

I present to you the cast of Star Wars singing Staying Alive. You're...welcome?

While we're at it, have some Jedi & Sith lightsaber training, courtesy of Kuma Films.

And I know the holidays are pretty much officially over, but this was the cutest holiday song I found this year: Text Me Merry Christmas, by Straight No Chaser and Kristen Bell. (Hat tip to Coz O'Kelly, who played it at the last Book and Tankard dance.)

And COCO Designs still has their free rabbit avatar out, in brown or grey, and the free Santa jacket to go with it. Hurry if you want a full mess bunny to hop around in!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

it's the little things

Lemmy Kilmister, singer, songwriter, musician, member of Motörhead and former member of Hawkwind, has passed away at the age of 70 from cancer. He will most sincerely and ardently be missed, and he leaves a hole in the music world that will not soon be filled.

In the meantime...

Morning comes slow today
Memories push through from yesterday
Where will I be tomorrow?
What do I have to show?

I still don't know. Each step I've taken to lead me here has moved me, and sometimes I leave flowers in my wake, sometimes burning wreckage. Sometimes I don't know until the blooming, or the feeling of good soil going dead beneath my feet.

From my life...

There's no life without pain, because pain is the easiest of lessons. Don't do this, it hurts. As children we grasp this instinctively, but many of us still push, wanting to know why, when the point of the lesson is not why it hurts, but that it hurts at all.

Stay, I need you here for a new day to break
Stay, I want you near, like a shadow in my wake

So I stand on another precipice, looking down, down, down. If I jump, will I fall, or fly? It disturbs me that I don't know. And I'm examining everything for meaning, for where it fits, or if it doesn't, and maybe that's part of the problem. One love told me tonight that I'm spending too much time analyzing the life I'm living, and not enough time living it. Is that true? If that is true, how do I stop doing it?

Flow with life down the drain
Memories and force of will sustain
Where will I be tomorrow?
What will be left to show?

Maybe, yet again, it's too many unshared thoughts, not too many thoughts, period. I live largely in my head, and it's always been difficult to let others in, to let them see who I am, where I am. A lot of the recent changes in my life on the grid are designed to push me past my comfort zones, break me out of the old, dysfunctional patterning I've managed to create. And to a certain extent, it is working, but is it causing instability in other areas?

From my life...

Overthinking, also, is just part of my core makeup. I'm not saying it's inevitable, and I'm not saying it can't be changed, but it's been an ingrained thing since I was old enough to think, so changing that is akin to a Philosopher's Stone that works.


And there is still part of me reaching out, yet again. After November, after the main push of writing was done, everything I'd reread and reacted to was still echoing, frozen in those moments of transition. This, too, I need to come to terms with, yet again...and, yet again, stop reaching out for the hand that will never again be there.

It's the little things, little things, little things, that make the world
The little things, little things, little things that make the world

So perhaps it's a case of small movements. I am allowing winter to seep in, but I am not going dormant, I am not waiting for spring. Perhaps I need to. After all, seasons change, people change, and who we are now is not always who we will remain. I've been treating it as the winter that sears through me, but perhaps I should instead see it as the winter that brings sleep, surcease and healing, and stillness.

It's the little things, little things, little things, that make the world
It’s the little things, little things, little things

Spring will come. There is a small part of me that believes that now. At some point the snow will leave, and the refuge I've made will go away, no longer needed. I will create a new space, a new home, and bring the things that matter from the heart of winter. Everything else can stay there; if it will not help with the thaw, I have no need to carry it further.


And when the thaw comes, I may finally be ready to stop asking the question, and waiting for the answer which will not come. Or perhaps, I will finally be ready to acknowledge that the question no longer needs to be asked at all.

(Lyrics are taken from Poets of the Fall's song, Stay.)

Thursday, December 24, 2015

I wanna ride the waves down in Galveston when the hurricanes blow in

We are truly living in the future. I mean, show of hands, people--who expected a functional transparent metal to be developed in our lifetimes? I know my hand isn't raised, there!

There are three holiday freebies here: a snowman with a paper hat, an angel wreath, and a pile of mesh logs with animations for holiday fires/fireplaces (to be set in front of, et cetera, or near the campire, fireplace, what-have-you).

And there's a bit of chat I want to share, but it's out of my usual comfort zone; not in terms of what is said, but, because of who says it, I want to keep one name intact. SO, there's less anonymizing on this one, and if that's a problem, do let me know!
[19:25] Krampus (orvan.taurus): Oy, it's seriously weird when the Manifestation of Holiday Evil is the *reasonable* one in a 'religious' discussion in a venue where there should not BE one. (Yes, I am claiming to be the sane one. THAT'S how messed up it is.)
I gotta agree there. Now, I've always found Mssr. Taurus to be affable and polite, but I also know he can be quite stern when dealing with miscreants, so...
[19:25] Mxxx Cxxxxx: errmm
[19:26] Lxxxxx Mxxxxxxx: Yipes
[19:27] Krampus (orvan.taurus): "If you wish to believe in Santa Claus, or Jesus, or Mohammad, or Krampus or Zeus or Philo T. Farnsworth, fine. If not, also fine. It's the insistence that others also do as you do that is a problem."
[19:28] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: Thank you, Krampus.
[19:28] Krampus (orvan.taurus): There's a line few would expect.
Maybe, but it's a good, solid line. We need more folks with this ethics set.
[19:29] Mxxx Cxxxxx: i don't care what anyone believes or doesn't believe as long as they aren't insistent its the "right" way
[19:30] Mxxx Cxxxxx: basically what Krampus said. :)
[19:32]Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: Actually, it wasn't that long ago, albeit in a different group, a bunch of people tried to tell me I was wrong for being an atheist. I didn't push my beliefs on them beyond telling them what they were when asked... and then I discussed for as long as I felt the discussion was respectful, then asked twice that the discussion end when I felt the respect had dissipated, and finally told everyone I was closing the window, and did. :/ I wasn't telling anyone not to believe. I don't think it's my place to do any such thing. And neither is it anyone's place to tell me to believe, or what that belief should be.
[19:33] Mxxx Cxxxxx huggles [Pxxxxxx] knowing that conversation first hand.
[19:33] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: *hugs*
Yeah, wau, that sounds like it was really difficult to get through. All sympathies.
[19:34] Mxxx Cxxxxx: they were over the top with that, especially considering their beliefs.
[19:34] Txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: What someone else believes is none of my business, nor does it change how I feel about a person. As long as they are good people, I like them :)
[19:34] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: And good people like you, too, [Txx].
[19:34] Txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yay!
[19:36] Myst Cobalt paints [Txx's] claws with red glittery polish
[19:36] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: o.o
[19:36] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: OMG.
[19:37] Mxxx Cxxxxx: wha?
[19:37] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: Someone should make furry claws that accept fingernail appliers.
[19:37] Txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx stares at the sparklies on her claws totally mesmerized
[19:38] Mxxx Cxxxxx: i agree [NPxxxxxx].
[19:39] Txxxx Rxxxxxxx: Hell yeah. It doesn't matter what people profess to believe in if they don't actually practice what they preach.
[19:39] Mxxx Cxxxxx: unless there are and i don't know about it
Exactly. Whatever we believe, whatever we hold true, we should hold true to it, or what's the point? A religion of convenience serves no one.
[19:41] Mxxx Cxxxxx: ugh i hope this wind dies down by tomorrow. really dont feel like getting blown off the road while driving
[19:42] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: So, if someone professes to believe in Cthulhu, but makes no efforts to wake him from his eternal slumber, that's a problem?
Well, technically...
[19:42] Mxxx Cxxxxx: lol
[19:42] Krampus (orvan.taurus): "Do I start the engine... or just throw it into neutral and hoist sail?"
[19:42] Mxxx Cxxxxx: I probably could with the way it's blowing around now
[19:43] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: Oh god... anyplace hoisting a sail would work around here, it would throw you ACROSS the road and into a tree.
Yeah, weather's been bad all over. Be careful out there, and try to keep your interactions with religious zealots of ALL stripes to a minimum.

And if you can't just show them this. I guarantee, they'll shut right up.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

it came, a floweret bright, amid the cold of winter

I spent some few hours two days back, standing in front of the Bellefleurs estate, welcoming in any who happened by. Admittedly, we are nearing the height of the holiday season, so the days are slow, the nights are long, and precious little happens, at least here. Even so, there was a sense of rightness that I was choosing to spend time there, instead of frittering it away following random gift mentions in various groups.

(Standing outside the arched, open gates leading into Bellefleurs.)

Or spending it alone, a habit I've fallen into far too often of late. At least if there is no one with me at Bellefleurs, I still have the history of the place behind me: the echo of music slipping through the walls, the laughter of former patrons, the footfalls dimly heard in memory. Instead of the soft susurration of snowflakes falling, the rustle of branches on sleeping trees, surrounding the small, rustic cabin I put together on my own, with few furnishings never far from the floor and the fire.

(The processional hall inside Bellefleurs.)

I can't help it, I feel comfortable here. I'm still learning the dizzying variety of chairs in the salon, and which are better to leave to couples, which to singles; I'm still learning what everything does, and I don't even have my board up yet, because this all happened so suddenly. Miss Mimistrobell had told me that it would not be a quick process, that the staff of Bellefleurs liked to take their time to consider, and that I fully understood. Far better to take their time than to hire someone who really, truly, doesn't understand what they're trying to do. Because the Blossoms of Bellefleurs are not simply Courtesans for interested patrons; they strive to be Companions in the fullest sense of the word, friends to hearts in need, counselors if necessary, and supportive of each other as they ply their craft.

(In Bellefleur's music room, where most of the Salons are held.)

So, all in all, I thought I'd spend through the end of this month talking to various Blossoms, speaking with management, and perhaps having an intake interview to go over any final questions, to make the decision on whether or not to hire me, sometime in January of the new year. Instead, once I actually contacted Miss M., it seemed to be just a few days over a week. And the time between finally meeting and speaking with Miss Delilah Revnik, the other tireless manager of the Blossoms, and getting hired? About two hours, all told.

(At the back of the music room, the lighted picture displayer aimed at a mirror on the back wall. That is, again, Duchess Canning.)

I can't imagine how I impressed them; perhaps that's a flaw of mine, that I never see in myself what others see in me. What I do know is that I went in openly and honestly to this opportunity. Miss M. knows I have somewhat of a dark reputation, both on the mainland and through the steamlands; she knows that I have had some deeply personal battles with Caledonians of elevated status, and that I have enemies who, while they may or may not actively seek me harm, still exist, and still would likely view my presence with displeasure. She knows all this because I mentioned it to her. Miss R. knows some of this, too, because I told her as well.

(Upstairs, one of the very well-preserved medieval tapestries besides a carpeted walkway.)

I wanted no illusions; so I did not seek to hide in any way. I mentioned the shapeshifting (we're still working that out, as the Duchess is...well...somewhat humancentric, let's say), I mentioned the history, I mentioned mistakes I'd made and victories I'd achieved both. And what I gained for this honesty? While I will likely be seen in human guise, I have full permission to have changeable, odd eyes, strangely colored hair, and--assuming the timing is right--small, delicate horns or other non-human features. (Though I was looking forward to being the first catgirl on staff, after one appearance in neko guise, it was decided that was just too far beyond the pale for management, and I am accepting this with relative grace.)

(A room upstairs, that may be intended as a gaming room in future? The Duchess is always improving on things.)

And what have all these interchanges gained me? A place of employment, yes, but a place of employment I can truly call home, and...oh, the last time I had that feeling? The Enigma was still open! 2006 to now, to find another place to work that I could also count as a family, and a home? Rare indeed.

(Another room that is constantly in flux, the Duchess' office upstairs.)

And I truly feel like I'm settling in. It's less like a chore to "stand guard" at Bellefleurs, even if no one's there; partly because there's always something to sort in my inventory, so I'm not bored, but also, because it's just so relaxing being there.

(Carpets, artwork, and the rich wood paneling seen through a gilded archway at Bellefleurs.)

And you know, there are worse things. Even on days I don't have clients lined up, and currently, I don't have any in particular, it eases my soul to be on the grounds. And at every salon, every dance, I am learning, I am listening, and I am letting myself uncurl and relax, to grow again, to--not to use the pun--blossom, into the next stage of whatever I'm becoming this time.

There are worse things, and I've done them. This is not a worse thing, it's a right thing, a good thing, and how long has it been since the beginning of any path for me began with words like "good" and "right"? If nothing else, I am exactly where I need to be. And that is a lovely feeling, indeed.

Monday, December 21, 2015

wassail, wassail all over the town

Merry Yule and merry winter!
And now to snowy silver splendour,
dark twinkling nights and pewter dawns,
and soft snows powdering the lawns.

Rejoice, and raise the golden glasses!
Dance with merry lads and lasses!
Drink the mulled wine, share the fire,
give in to willed and warm desire.
Release all anger, fear and pain,
and let the year renew again.

Let the very best of our 2015 be the worst of the year to come. Here's to the future.

who are these skeletons with guns, taking aim?

we made ourselves a home out of our dreams
brought with us this love now bittersweet
maybe I could say now that I always thought of you
how you run to walk with me, your whole life through

What is it, old home week? Not only did I run into someone I haven't seen since my earliest days in Steelhead, but in trying to track down a picture for the last entry or so, I dug very far back into the archives for this very blog.

and I know we go deeper than skin, but what lies within
it's still deeper than we know

And while I didn't find an image suitable to use, I did find a veritable surplus of other images. Names and places I'd forgotten, people I still remember, people I wish I didn't. And now I'm asking yet again, what is it with me and demons? Is it just that prototypical 'bad boy' thing? Am I that plebian and afflicted? Mayhap so, because obviously I haven't learned a damned thing.

and for all this pantomime
you should see the state I'm in
I couldn't heal myself with time alone
I have you tattooed on my skin

Page after page, entry after entry. Face after face. Years between the self of then and the self of now, and I'm wondering how much I've actually grown in the interim, how far I've actually moved my now away from my then. I kept examining their images, as if searching these frozen bits of time misplaced would actually teach me anything new.

this house is full of stories we both told
these rooms, their very stage where they'd unfold
these walls, they whisper secrets and memories thereof
but this door no longer leads us to their love

And I kept wondering...well, no, not with everyone, the vampire princeling can go swallow toads for all of me, but...with some of the others, I kept feeling a touch or two of...I don't even know. Faded former emotion, not yet swept up and tossed away? Shreds of affection, long neglected, that somehow missed being recycled? Regret?

yeah, I know we go deeper than skin, but what lies within
is still deeper than we know

Regret. Is it regret? Is that really what I felt, looking at my distant past, and pondering? Do I regret...well, no, foolish question, I am built of regret, formed of it, I have so many regrets I could fill a lake and have regret left over to coat the shores. I know this. I've made a great many mistakes in my life, and not a small number have been mistakes that, once made, led to others in turn.

all I ever wanted was to hold you
what can I do now to make things new?
I ain't trying to write you into a song
'Cause you're too sacred and I would feel wrong

Perhaps it's not regret I'm feeling, looking at these faces. Perhaps it's that touch of melancholy about what might have been. Had things worked out, after all. Had I not tried to make a home in a sim that imploded before spiking all the trees and building skyscrapers. Or had I not thought I could rely on someone who never spoke in truths, only in the language of roleplay for all our interactions...before utterly disappearing from the grid. I don't even remember his name now to see if he's still on SL at this late date.

but when irony life holds,
I was finally ready to meet you half way
You turned and walked away...

Or had I not been thrown aside for an outfit...

But then, these were demons; perhaps they were only sent to bedevil me, not to join with my heart and stay by my side. Maybe it was never in the nature of any demonic creature to do that. And maybe that is that sense of regret I feel, that I ever let any demon close enough to believe.

Maybe that was the lesson I needed to learn in the first place. And in the aftermath, to stay away from anyone with haunted horns and a yearning for the dark side...

(Song lyrics adapted from Poets of the Fall's Skin.)

Sunday, December 20, 2015

trust the wishing well, dance like Tinker Bell

Pixel Box has a lovely gothic tree out in their store, and there are six lovely gifts to pick up underneath it.

The gifts are as follows:
  • A 'Time Machine' necklace that can be worn by either sex
  • A steampunk bowler hat for ladies
  • a steampunk bowler hat for gentlemen
  • a set of steampunk goggles with an adorable propeller detail
  • a modern black leather handbag for ladies, with the ability to add your photo--or the photo of your choice--to a frame charm depending from the straps
  • and a set of black antlers, replete with sounds, lights, and at least one striped candy cane
Now, Ms. Marian Kungler also added there was a set of rosaries to be had? I did not see them, but I do plan to go back, so you might look around for them, should you decide any of these sound like things you absolutely need in your life.

(I, of course, needed all of them, because with the exception of the gentlemens' bowler hat, they all sounded both useful and beautiful, and I am grateful she offered them freely!)

(Edit after publishing: oh my goodness, there's another tree!

(And that is where the rosaries are, one designed for gentlemen, one for ladies. There's also an "Angel Caller" necklace, and a free weekend gift that seems to be a series of alchemical symbols to hang about your neck. Wonderful!)

jingle all the way

Over at Fussy there's a free set of holiday cropped sweaters:

Admittedly, I'm not a big fan of cropped sweaters, though I have more than enough attire to wear under them to make it work. But I do love the tongue-firmly-in-cheek sayings. They come in all colors shown, plus just about every applier for a mesh anything I can think of.

If anyone's in the mood for mostly-red lingerie, Seldom Blue is having a holiday sale, with fairly steep discounts on various bits and fripperies. The SLUrl goes to a NSFW bodysuit set, that is a limited-edition freebie (though the store itself is moderate), but scattered throughout the store are sets for L$1 all the way up to $L115, depending on complexity of attire. Most are system layers, but as far as lingerie goes, I'd rather have system layers under mesh, that's rather the point.

Some come with appliers, mostly Lolas, it seems.

And moving off the grid, there's a holiday gift waiting from The Real Tuesday Weld, to commemorate their holiday gift this year, a playable flexi-EP card. (But you have to sign up for their newsletter to get it.)

And in the meantime, more controversy from that one particular freebie group:
[13:54] jxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I don't get it how can you ladies chat in here do you have to wait will someone posts like an admin ?
Um, no...there are strong group rules that we all try to obey, because having strict guidelines means a general lack of drama...most of the time...
[13:54] exxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: we cant put links to MM boards on adult things right?
[13:55] Bxxx Pxxxxx: It has to be Mod approved first
[13:55] axxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you need an approval for adults stuff
Right. First, because there are still people who aren't, by personal choice or...ergh...age, not verified for Adult regions. Second, though, there are certain things they just don't want in the group, and eliminating Adult regions handily takes care of some of those. Generally, the list of 'banned' things isn't that long: vehicles (because they are so often copied), AOs (because, again, animations in them can so frequently be copied), Adult items in general (unless the store or the sim has been checked by a mod, and is allowed).
[13:55] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you mean adult things or adult things
[13:55] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i mean adult sims or adult things
[13:56] Bxxx Pxxxxx: Both
[13:56] exxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: both
[13:56] exxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx giggles
[13:56] jxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: everything has to be mod approved in here
Not everything, because if it's on the list of things that are not allowed, don't bother posting it UNLESS you post it TO a mod for approval; elsewise, you can post anything. And here's the thing: nine times out of ten, if you post something in this particular group and it's not allowed? Mods will simply tell you. I've made mistakes, I've been told, it's all cool, we move on. I don't post those things again. No stress, no fuss.
[13:56] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: excuse the sexting goblings on my keyboard
[13:56] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: waves
[13:56] Bxxx Pxxxxx: Not true [Jxxx]
[13:57] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: o.o
[13:57] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [zxx] i told you your not aloud out of the cave yet
[13:57] jxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I just mean it's like gistapo this groip
That's "Gestapo", and "group", and why? Seriously, why? Because I don't get it. Following the rules--that, overall, make the group run much more efficiently overall--just makes everything go more smoothly, so what's the harm?
[13:57] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ohhh ... sighs and heads back to the dark cold cave
[13:57] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: 0_o
[13:57] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i gave you cupcakes and a pillow what more can someone ask for lol
[13:57] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what is like gistapo?
[13:58] Bxxx Pxxxxx: Not true [Jxxx]
[13:58] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: The Gestapo (German pronunciation: [ɡeˈstaːpo, ɡəˈʃtaːpo] ( listen); abbreviation of Geheime Staatspolizei, or the Secret State Police
That's not exactly helpful.
[13:58] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ^There ya go Zim
[13:58] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know what the gestapo is.. but wondered what was she comparing it to?
I'm wondering the same thing.
[13:59] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol ty though [Fxxxxx]
[13:59] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh that i dunno LOL
[13:59] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not the soup XD
No, that would be gazpacho.
[13:59] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: okay, i am not trying to start anything but i need to say my two cents lol yes this group has rules and it can be confusing however i would rather have set rules then be in a group filled with offensive dramatic chaos
Well said.
[13:59] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that's gespacho
No, still gazpacho.
[13:59] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i know it was a joke lol the soup ;)
[13:59] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *gazpaco
Again, that's gazpacho.
[14:00] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: mmmm....Gespacho......
[14:00] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i blame the sexting gobblins on my keyboard why i misspell things
Dern sexting goblings.
[14:00] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: gazpacho? ;-)
Yes, thank you.
[14:01] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[14:01] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: giggles
[14:02] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes Rose... yummy
[14:02] gxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: we need to start a FREE recipe group now LOL
We so do.
[14:03] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[14:05] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[14:06] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: bye be back later
[14:07] Bxxx Pxxxxx: Byee
[14:07] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ello group does anyone speak Portuguese and is able to help someone with appliers ??
[14:09] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ok hello google translate again
Unless we have a native speaker at the time in the group, that's pretty much what we do, yeah.

And one last thing from later in the chat:
[14:42] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ugh im so behind organizing my inventory
[14:43] Pxxx Pxxxxx: give it up lil it's a loosing battle
"Losing", but you're not wrong.