when will they ever learn?

Under the heading "Guest post proposal", this hit my inbox a week or so ago:

Greetings,

We hope you're doing great and creating best for yourself and your audience!

I already had dread, just from that phrase--"creating best". Ugh.

We feel privileged to get in touch with an avid writer and blogger like you. We went through your content, we thoroughly enjoyed it, and we are sure that your writing is the reason behind your deep connection to your audience.

No, you don't, no, you didn't, and no, you aren't.

Your blog has been liked and appreciated by hundreds of your followers, and one of the best things is that you never fail to delight your audience.

I don't have hundreds of followers.

We are a rapidly flourishing Cosmeceutical Brand with the Nature Inspired Scientific Products.

"Cosmeceutical"? Don't care.

Overwhelmed with the quality of your content and your reputation, we would like a feature of our Article at your esteemed website.

Wow, are you piling on the nonsensical compliments. Stop blowing smoke at me and tell me what you want.

The subject of our Article will purely be of audience interest and focused on Fitness, Health and Nutrition.

None of which my blog features.

We can further discuss the perks of working with us, and you'll love them, we are sure!

I highly, highly doubt that.

Here are a few suggested titles for the article:

1. 7 Beauty habits you may thank yourself for 10 years later
2. 10 Beauty tips for a camera-ready look
3. 6 Beauty products we're thankful for
4. 7 Beauty products that deserve a place in your skincare routine
5. Glow On: How to keep a natural glam look year-round

First, no. Not going to happen. Second, your "suggested article" titles? Ridiculous. I would never write--nor would I let anyone else write--about "7 Beauty habits", or "10 Beauty tips for a camera-ready look", OR anything that mentioned a "natural glam" look...or any of the others...You are, quite literally, barking up the wrong tree with all of this.

Rest, you can also suggest a title for the article and we will write it for you.

No.

We follow the Expository and Persuasive techniques of writing and always try to connect our audience through unique and authentic content.

In other words, you're either an MLM or a mid-level "health and beauty" business whose products are exclusively made in China out of synthetics, and you have writers on staff in a churn mill, whose sole job is to rewrite thirty average articles that target certain keywords for maximum search efficacy. How close am I?

Here we share a couple of our previous pieces of work with you;

And I'm just skipping their links, because the hell am I going to do any advertising for them.

We'll be more than happy to work with you, we'll love the features and grow together. In case, any query from your side, free feel to connect.

I didn't bother writing back.

Thanks,

Bite me,

With Love

Like hell.

[a company based out of India that makes primarily acne serums and haircare products] Team

Forget my name.

The other letter I just received yesterday, and this one I did answer:

Hi Dear,

"Dear". That still kills me.

It is so nice to have this chance to enjoy reading your blog.

I bet. You didn't bother to read my blog.

Here is our website: [a company whose sole business is making jewelry with names or monograms. That's it. That's ALL they do.]

You're kidding.

We sincerely invite you to cooperate with us for a post:

No, you don't. You just want the search engine hits.

*You write an 300-500 words article with links about our products and post it on your blog or social website for permanent."

So this one doesn't even say they'll send me a "guest article" to post, they just want me to write a post myself talking about their products. Do I get a sample? Do I just repost pictures and gush about how lovely they look? The hell are they wanting, here?

Waiting for your positive reply.

You won't appreciate it,

Best Regards

Yeah, right. This was my reply:

"Dear"? So, what's your thinking on why you'd be a good fit for my blog? Was it the entire month of haunted house coverage so far? Maybe it was the two weeks before that of covering Hair Fair in Second Life? Or, ooh, wait, maybe it was the chat captures I upload to show how ridiculous some people are. Do tell.

Needless to say, they didn't reply.

I get about one of these every couple of weeks. I never know why. They never have anything to do with the topics actually on my blog. So why bother writing me with requests I'm just going to turn down? I don't get some people.