now there's a fire in the speakers and blood on the master tapes

I know. I know. The blog template still isn't fixed. I'm scattershot on answering messages. And yet, I'm asking for help to get my computer up and running, so I can finally get back to SL, because other options haven't panned out.

I'm cringing asking. But I'm asking anyway.

Help if you can. Pass it on if you can't. And thanks.

my eyes are made of acid and my tongue is sharp with spite

Because here we friggin' go AGAIN--

[3:53 PM]Soph xD: Howdy!

Feckin' NO ONE is anonymized on this one, I'm so tired, but this is @soph_2.0 on Discord.

[3:53 PM]Soph xD: Curious to ask you smth?
[4:27 PM]Emilly: What's up?
[4:31 PM]Soph xD: Actually wanted tom ask if you are anyhow interested to have any artwork done for yourself it's just i' m a small artist looking for a commission. Don't wanna bother you just trying my luck. Here's some of my previous works..

I will say this, freely--she has some skill. These are great examples of what she can do for both full-body and chibi-body Vtuber art. Not discounting that in the least.

[4:43 PM]Emilly: thunks her head against the desk
[4:43 PM]Emilly: Hold a tic, I have something for this

Because yes, I've sent this reply out to so many people it's just become cut and paste. Void stars. Why me?

[4:44 PM]Emilly: So this I started sending out in February:

[1:26 PM]Emilly: Okay, I'm just going to grab the capsule reply I gave for the first three:

Riiiight....so, @akane.illust, meet @jerry09664 and @kelly_smith (aka @Emalia?) and talk amongst yourselves. There may be a world in which blind calling works; I do not live in that world, alas. But hey, feel free to come up with targeted DMs that may get other people--other, less impoverished people--good responses! I wish you all joy of it.
[1:24 PM]Emilly: And this was March's slightly updated one:

[1:33 PM]Emilly: Okay, I'm just going to grab the capsule reply I gave for the first three:

Riiiight....so, @akane.illust, meet @jerry09664 and @kelly_smith (aka @Emalia?) and talk amongst yourselves. There may be a world in which blind calling works; I do not live in that world, alas. But hey, feel free to come up with targeted DMs that may get other people--other, less impoverished people--good responses! I wish you all joy of it.

[1:28 PM]Emilly: And that was the reply I gave @Maya_denver08. Few more and all of you can start your own design company!
[1:26 PM]Emilly: That I sent to @kazks, I believe

Like I said, this has happened before. I don't know who thinks "PLEASE I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL THE MONIES FOR ART YOU WONDERFUL BEAN PLEASE NAO" is stamped on my forehead, but I'd bet it comes from the same corner of the internet that sends 40-year-old women who want to punch me in the face in SL, collar me so I can sniff their feet daily, and praise their nylon choices to the heavens.

(That's not even hyperbole, is the astonishing thing. It started out as 'hey wanna wrestle' IMs out of the blue, advanced to 'if you lose--which you will--I get to own you', and the last three added in they planned to collar me and have my nose perpetually near their perfect pearly toesies. Gosh thanks, ever so sorry I can't, I have to go floss the cat.)

[4:46 PM]Emilly: There might be someone else...
[5:03 PM]Emilly: There's also @stella06359, @steff_johhnson, @evalogan0088, @abby_art0, @janny_static (who helpfully included her portfolio), @aahoe17, @mia_world1, @lina_m_hodgson...I think that's everyone? There are a couple marked as "deleted_user[string of numbers]"

She hasn't replied yet. Maybe she won't. But I guaran-damn-tee you, I'm going to get more pushy little beans hopping in my inbox.

LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR: I have nothing against any of these artists. I'm sure they've all done great things. I wish them joy and success in their endeavors.

Just not with me. In the past seven years, I haven't been able to even grab the coin together for a better mic, what makes them think I can afford art?

AND I'M SURE THERE WILL BE MORE but this was still in drafts when ANOTHER artist dropped into my DMs:

[1:35 PM]Lauren4: Hey there?

That was sent on December 17th, I saw it a day later.

[7:18 PM]Emilly: Hi? I know you from where?
[11:24 AM]Lauren4: Oh thats great

Handy tip: A "Have we met" answered with "Oh that's great" is nearly always going to get my hackles up. It's giving classic "I'm not reading anything you're sending back because I want to pitch my project". I figured 80/20, either another goddamn artist or a sex worker. (Again, for clarity: I have nothing against either. But I also can't afford either.)

[11:24 AM]Lauren4: Well how are you doing?
[9:57 PM]Emilly: Okaaaay.
[9:58 PM]Emilly: I would ask again, do I know you? If I have to ask again I'll just block you.

Hostile? Yes. Really not fond of the whole "Emilly means a patron" I apparently have stamped on my virtual forehead. That was on December 19th.

[3:34 PM]Lauren4: Nope
[3:34 PM]Lauren4: Now i ask again how are you doing?

Now she's confirmed not paying attention and I'm sharpening the knives. Also on December 19th, as is the reply below.

[7:03 PM]Emilly:

[11:24 AM]Lauren4: Well how are you doing?
[9:57 PM]Emilly: Okaaaay.

Thought that would've covered it.

So, let's go for blunt, then: who are you and what do you want?

[11:28 AM]Lauren4: First of all thank you for Allowing me to talk the thing is I'm an artist by profession and seeking for a emergency commission , I would really love to show you my portfolio too and rn due to the upcoming event of "CHRISTMAS" I'm running some massive discounts and offers !
[6:19 PM]Emilly: *headdesk*
[6:19 PM]Emilly: Okay, hold a tic, I have a thing for this
[6:30 PM]Emilly: Riiiight....so, @akane.illust, meet @jerry09664, @Maya_denver08, @stella06359, @steff_johhnson, @evalogan0088, @abby_art0, @janny_static, @soph_2.0, @aahoe17, @mia_world1, @lina_m_hodgson, @kazks and @kelly_smith (aka @Emalia?) and talk amongst yourselves. There may be a world in which blind calling works; I do not live in that world, alas. But hey, feel free to come up with targeted DMs that may get other people--other, less impoverished people--good responses! I wish you all joy of it.
[6:31 PM]Emilly: Y'all really need to talk to each other and figure out what works and what doesn't. I can tell you what will 95% of the time absolutely NOT work: blindly sending "hello" to a disabled person with very limited income.

Now, note: I have paid for digital art before. Everyone in my household has. We are not against digital art. That is not the point. The point is I cannot afford a bust, half-body, or whole-body full-color with additional separate expressions/hand positions to use in Twitch streaming with camera capture tied in. UNTIL I AM AT THAT POINT I'm getting really sick of always being asked.

So! If anyone IS interested in Vtuber art (or in a case of a couple folks above, any digital art, possibly even mailed prints), AND you're on Discord, PLEASE feel free to contact any of them for further details. They're all working artists, hit them up.

Just please leave me out of it. I'm tired.
[[Note from the Editrix before publishing: there's some coding errors in this one, I'm being called out to the front room, I just want to get this out tonight because there's another LONG pause of no entries, and I'm playing with the blog template again. AAAAAGH. But here you go.]]>/i>

'til you learn with age what you can’t do and then try and make a change

Eerie Aquarium's take on depression is hauntingly accurate. Some of the other conditions fit, some don't, but I get the concept. And yeah, being neurodivergent is terrifying at times. NSF...brains? Disturbing content, definitely. Touch of body horror? Mild gore. Soundtrack-induced dread?

Also, as an aside, since the last post was political, let's carry on:

Creator @bekahdayyy has put together a point-by-point refutation of anyone in your life who says they voted for Donald Trump because of their Christian faith. It's not about faith, it's about power. If you're in the position to be attending Thanksgiving, Christmas or other holidays with family and friends who voted for the orange loon, maybe print this out to answer any questions they might have.

But it's not just about the policies. Project 2025 is a comprehensive document covering many areas the writers seek to "improve". Among them:

• Defunding the Department of Education, including Pell grants for college, striking down special education programs, and taking all further education and schooling for children to pricy private (many religious) schools.
• Defunding the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare, and ACA, yes, it very much IS the same thing)--which will also include Medicare and Medicaid being cut by 90%, and removing all prescription price caps (including Biden's $35 cap on insulin. Also of note: food stamps will be taken from 93% of all Americans currently involved in the program.)
• No-fault divorce will be banned nationwide, leaving many women stuck in abusive situations to be battered, severely injured, or even slain.
• Another plan that will kill women is their purported federal abortion ban, allowing zero exceptions for rape, incest, or fetal malformations and the life of the mother.
• Try this one on for size; Dismantling the Marriage Equality Act and federally ruling that marriage can only take place between a man and a woman. Women will also, under the new ruling, lose their independent rights to separate financing, owning property, or--should the unlikely divorce be granted--their own children. and let's not forget, the Marriage Equality Act also insures that interracial marriage is protected. So that will be struck down as well. Guess Clarence and Ginny Thomas are splitting up next year.
• How about the rights of workers? They won't have any. Employers will be free to break up unions, to no longer offer overtime, to fire employees for any reason without fear of repercussions. And federally, employers will no longer have to worry about displaying bigotry or racism--they'll be free to make their workplaces as white as they wish.
• The military, and likely ICE, will be deployed to enact mass deportations. Far as I understand, the procedure will be arrest first, ask questions later--if at all. And let me quote from the document directly, as she put it so well:

  "1 in every 15 families is of mixed documentation status. American citizens will be subject to deportation if they have a family member living in the home undocumented...Denaturalization of immigrants who have received citizenship will begin. DACA will end. Our Asylum Program will be dismantled."

• This is a fun one--since Homeland Security was created as a bureau, the police already were partially militarized. But after Trump takes office? Police officers will receive prosecutorial immunity and be further militarized. Checks and balances on police overreach? What are those? Oh, and racial discrimination? Prepare for that to come back, in spades, as they receive a mandate to gun after anyone not white and conservative.
• Trump, through Project 2025, will give reparation to victims of discrimination...but of course, only the white ones. The plan is also to weaponize the Department of Justice to go after teachers, professors and alumni in colleges that practice diversity, equity, and inclusion (the dreaded "DEI") and fire them. Then tear down the colleges themselves, especially black ones.

Do I need to go on? Because I can go on. This document covers the appointees Trump is planning to push through, as well, and some of them are just as reprehensible, racist and lacking any skill sets for the positions they'll be taking over, as their chosen convicted felon is.



So, for anyone still reading along who voted for Trump? This is why I'm not interested in you being part of my life. We already had four years of him, when he was basically a gleeful, wheezing toddler with a hammer, breaking structures and yelling for hamburgers. He managed to put a tidy sum of money into his pocket from YOUR from being president those four years, too, or didn't you catch that he was charging the Secret Service hundreds of thousands of dollars to rent rooms in hotels he owned?

And you voted to put him in power again. I know there will be members of Congress fighting against his despotic desires, but he has said, multiple times, to multiple Cult 45 members, in multiple cities, that at the very least he plans to:

• Destroy education as we know it from kindergarten to college
• Ban teaching ANYTHING about African-American history; Japanese histories of children growing up in camps instead of houses (even though many Japanese-Americans during WWII were born in the US); anything about the contributions people of color have made to this country through invention, innovation, scientific, medical, legal and political advances; any reference to the near-genocide and seizure of land for indigenous peoples--essentially, anything that might hurt poor white peoples' feewings
• Destroy Medicaid and Medicare (so there goes my insurance)
• Destroy Social Security (and there goes my ability to pay rent)
• Destroy the Affordable Care Act (so there goes one of my love's insurance)
• Set high tariffs against countries he currently dislikes, which will drive the cost of EVERYTHING up (or didn't you realize what tariffs actually do?)
• Destroy the Veterans' Administration entirely (so there goes my other love's insurance, since she's a veteran)
• Remove responsibility for womens' medical care and bodily autonomy (and as a woman, I kind of take that personally)
• Remove marital rights guaranteed to men from women (and this alone, even were I not happy with the loves I have, would ensure I'd never marry), essentially starting the process to make them American citizens with reduced rights;
• Restrict food stamps to the narrowest possible sliver of citizenry (so, hey, I guess I don't need to eat anymore, right?);

--and AGAIN, I COULD GO ON--



Is it sinking in yet? Having any regrets on how you voted? Because I'm hearing that a lot, too--that Trump voters "didn't really understand", or "didn't know" he was proposing to sink so many ships. And for me, I mean, great, you have seen that your cult leader may not be precisely trustworthy, but COULD YOU NOT HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION BEFORE VOTING FOR HIM?!??

But that's it. End of rant. I refuse to trust people who voted for me to starve, get sicker, or outright die. Just because the price of eggs went up. Oh, babies, just WAIT until the 200% tariffs go into effect on Chinese imported goods, or Mexican imported fruits and vegetables, and you'll be having to choose between paying rent, or buying a new skirt. Paying for necessary medical equipment or prescriptions, or buying a bag of apples. No more. No. More.

I wanna live a vibrant life, but I wanna die a boring death

This is the..."Ham Tree"...at LORE. It's a group gift.

Mesmer's love of meat where meat should not be is spreading...

Anyway, it's been...void stars, the 30th of March. That is a long time not to post. There's been...a steady uptick in head pain. And, I think, two falls? Not sure. Maybe just one.

*Em goes to check...*

So, I did mention the concussive episode. Right. So the fourth fall...eh, let me just grab what I said, it'll be easier...

[10:39 PM] Emilly: I made a snappy little graphic earlier.


[10:40 PM] Emilly: Apparently that was too subtle for the rest of the court. Ah, well.
[10:42 PM] Emilly: Ranked from least stupid to most, I'd say this was just slightly less stupid than trying to put on a coat and falling instead. This was me trying to stand up, but being too far forward on the chair, when I reached for stable surfaces, the gas lift in the chair supports engaged, and I slipped right off.

[11:04 PM] Emilly: There was profanity. One of the girls came in and pointed out that my legs were not, precisely, oriented as legs usually were. And then began the debate, between saying hello to the EMTs again, and just going about the rest of the day. The lynchpin for this being, can Em get off the floor by herself?

Should I have just nodded and gone to the ER? Maybe. But at what point do I just accept that fragility is my state of being? That, I don't know.

[11:07 PM] Emilly: It was...a struggle. There is a fear of falling developing, and I'm not even sure it's worth heading off, because it's in the places where I think I can just move through it, do things I used to do, overreach to get something that seemed necessary at the time...So, it's going to be a great deal of second-guessing myself, which will be annoying. But, maybe necessary too.

And hoo boy, am I being careful now. Of course, the screaming back and left leg pain--must've been the left leg that took the brunt of the latest fall--is helping me considerably to be careful.

I'm just...I'm getting so tired of falling. I have seemingly gone from my current age to 197, and that's hard to deal with.

Anyway. Want to get this done...er...

Damn it. All set to go through Emmation City's haunted house, and...now I have to log off. Gah!

Okay, fine, one image, and then we'll be in the full review. So part one, I guess.



...or not, because I can't remember which sim I took this in, and--beyond being from Madame Noir--what's the name of these insane clompy plats. Even better, now I can only find two images of the original (brief) run of eight! ARGH!!



But here's the second shot for this post, I think...the third? That I took this night. Can't find the other two. That is deeply bugging me, but onward we stagger. So part one coming...I hope soon.

who by high ordeal, who by common trial

<i>(Obviously, this is going to be more RL than most blog posts.)</i><br />

<br />

You want some solid, white-knuckle action? We're talking high stress, low coping, chewing fingernails to the elbows insanity?<br />

<br />

Break a bone at the end of a holiday month. Extra points for the month following to be December. A <i>savage</i> amount of points additional if you're also an internet addict and nearly everything you like to <i>do</i> online involves the computer you no longer have access to.<br />

<br />

Challenge rating impossible if all the advent calendars start tomorrow.<br />

<br />

<img src="https://i.ibb.co/8rwm5gt/goddamn-it-intensifies-Danny.gif" alt="goddamn-it-intensifies-Danny" border="0"><br />

<br />

So...<i>obviously</i>...I'm not going to be around in SL until this thing resolves. I'm on official hiatus from Vae Victis until net presence increases. I may have to reschedule a surgery because I'm stuck in physical rehabilitation.<br />

<br />

I am just having <i><b>SO MUCH FUN Y'ALL</b></

I>...<br />

I'll post updates when I can, but "not a happy bitch" seems to be the steady state.<br />

<br />

and you better start swimmin', or you'll sink like a stone

for the times they are a-changin'...

Yeah. Sometimes it do be like that.

come gather ’round, people
wherever you roam
and admit that the waters
around you have grown...

August 28th, 2023, fell on a Monday, at least in the northern hemisphere. Monday was also family dinner at the mansion. The family knew it was the anniversary. It was...an uneven night, not unsurprisingly. How does one celebrate having an unending tension headache for a full solar year?

I'm the one on the end with the moths.

and accept it that soon
you’ll be drenched to the bone
if your time to you is worth savin’...

Dinner also featured a spritely vintage from Darkmere, and I was grateful for it.

I think even virtual wine goes to my head occasionally. I wasn't exactly effervescent, but I did seem more...open is not the word? Fluid, mayhap. Confessional. Something.

the line, it is drawn
the curse, it is cast
the slow one now
will later be fast

So, it's been a year, and what have we learned? I beyond the glass may have Celiac's, and if not, then a fairly unstable version of gluten intolerance. No one knows why the headache persists. Half my doctors are treating me as if I am diabetic, and the other half aren't--and meanwhile, my pursuit for a diagnosis of SOME kind keeps driving off the cliff, the latest being my (new resident) doctor's confidence in the latest A1C being "fine" (even with some other symptoms and readings in other tests).

Let's not forget that in the course of one month (with blood tests at either end) I went from some issues we needed to work on to HOLY FARKING DUCKLINGS YOU HAVE THIRD-STAGE KIDNEY DISEASE...which, by the way, disappeared with the next blood test...



Oh, and my neurologist's officially thrown me away, because there's "nothing neurological" she can fix. But if I develop something...something that's not migraines, headache, nerve pain, and a kicky little tremor, apparently...she says I should feel free to call her.

Sure. Let me just make a note about that....how does the 32nd of February next year work for you?

But that...admittedly, adapting to that led to some very dark days.

Witness this was supposed to be shot, and framed, and written, and posted, on the 28th...and I slipped a couple days due to sudden depression slogging through the mire.

as the present now
will later be past
the order is rapidly fadin'...

Stone-home truth, here: I started wondering what was the point. Now, no one call in wellness checks, guys, I am not in danger, believe me. But there was some staring into the abyss, namely...Should I still keep counting? Should I stop? If I stop, what do I replace it with? If I keep counting, when does it become another obsession? When do I get to pick up the threads of my life and get back to reality, fractured as it was?

And the deep, midnight-in-sealed-crypts dark question: is this the new baseline, and I just have to suck it up from here?

So, yeah. Took a couple days to catch up with everything.

and the first one now
will later be last
for the times they are a-changin'...

If nothing else, I have the garden. It keeps me occupied when I have spare non-hurty time. I stay in touch with friends and loves as I can. It's not a terrible life. I may have to ask Aiko where she gets her running-in-circles animation from, because I bet it would be mad frenetic on a Dinkie.

I will admit, it is a struggle some days NOT to go huge (like, giant thorn vines huge, mysterious earth portals that fling folks in a random direction huge), but so far I'm constraining things. I'm working on changing out all the no-copy flora (and the non-seasonal flora), so it will be easier to change from season to season...

...because WHY YES I have noticed the lack of seasons on the land and I miss it, and that, at least, I can start pushing out in Tannhauser and Gearhaven.

For the rest of it...well, I am a very stubborn muffin. I may be bruised, battered, staggering and broken, and it may take me longer to stand up...but I intend to keep standing up for some time yet. This weekend I may spend more time with the offworld partners, and idly make new things out of old things while we watch the next episode of Mentopolis on Dropout. (I am still convinced that Hank Green is just playing himself in that season...or, at least, Hank Green if he was bright red, in a weird 40s noir mystery, and of his hands were bigger than his head...but otherwise, yeah, that's my working theory.)

And life will move on, as is the way of such things. And I'll get back to product reviews soon, because I do like them, first, and second, for baffling reasons they haven't slapped my wrist for going past some event times, so if nothing else, they're building up unswerving brand loyalty from me. It helps that I adore Grim and Mesmer to death, too, it must be said.

But now it's late, and it's been a long day, some of it spent dashing between transport and clinic doors with ice-cold rain in between, so I suppose this is as 'done' as it gets, right now. G'night.

unravel the world, I'm not what I was then

By now readers have noticed the chaotic changes of colors, templates, and graphics on the wee blog. About a week and a half ago, my chosen layout corrupted, for some reason. It's been...difficult, that's a good word, difficult...to find a new one that does what I need it to do without tweaking.

This one's the closest to something I can nod and say 'done nao' for, but...you can still carve what I understand about CSS on a thumbnail and have room to spare. So I am trying to fix it...which with the head is not easy...and I'll get there.

Eventually.

heart is a storybook, a star burned out

Sometimes, love dies from abuse. Sometimes, love dies from neglect. Sometimes, love dies from absence.



And sometimes...love doesn't die at all, and we just wish it would...



I've been here before.

And it never gets easier.



I asked him today for a hug. Well, no, let me be precise--I said I would ask him for a hug, but I didn't know if that would offend him.

I got back the lines of severance sent by someone else, the new ban firmly nailed in place.

I guess that's his answer.



Maybe it's a good thing, knowing that another fracture in my heart won't destroy me. Maybe it's a good thing that I know how to shore up the weak spots, and continue on. Maybe it's a good thing I know how to operate under stress.

Or maybe these are all terrible things, and they're just familiar to me.

I don't know anymore.



But this is where we are, I guess. No repairing what's broken, ever. No discussion. No further contact. No...more. No more anything.

And I get to be the pillow over the face of love, quietly smothering it until it gives up and stops kicking...while my brain protests there has to be another way, and my heart screams it's not supposed to be this way at all.



Well, I agree. It's not. But here we are. And here, we unfortunately stay.

And the walls go up, and the gates within will be reinforced, and the list of those that have access to anything past the courtyard will be narrowed further...

But, to use a phrase I loathe...it is what it is. And I have to accept it for what it is. And find a way to move forward from here...

what is left now that it's over?

I think we're past fire at this point...



I like to think, whether this is self-delusion or not, that I'm at least adequate at working out issues between people. I try not to fly off the handle these days; I try to listen and then try to articulate what I need to have said. No one's perfect, I'm not, no one is, but...I thought I had at least a minor ability, there.

If what just resolved, in spite of every attempt I made, is indicative of skill...I've been lying to myself.



I'm finding it morbidly amusing currently, that when I started my Twitch account, I chose the name I'd just started running under, emptydoll. Because I'd just suffered a very bad breakup and at the time, I felt very small, very empty, very broken.

Fast forward to this moment, these feelings, and I just feel...hollowed out. I'm not mad, I'm not crying hysterically, I'm just...exhausted. It takes effort to breathe. Everything around me is very, very quiet, in that excruciatingly loud way.

Once again, I am the empty doll, trying to figure out what I do now.



I never wanted another ban of anyone else I cared for. I never wanted my dominant to feel as if he had to step in to protect me from hurting myself, as well as continuing to be hurt by someone else. I never wanted to feel like this again.

We don't always get what we want.

Eventually, I'll be back to some form of steady state. The walls are going to be very high for quite some time. The masks are going to be riveted in place. I'll do what I can to drop them around others I love, but it certainly won't be easy, and depending on where I am, what I'm doing, and definitely who I'm interacting with...it may not even be possible.

But we'll deal with that when it happens. All I can do is keep moving forward. And picking myself up when I fall down, when the weight of my heart is too much to carry.

I get through this. I've gotten through worse things. I just mourn, yet again, that I have to.

Still spinning in the heart of Hagalaz, I suppose. And waiting for the hail to thaw.

it's my pleasure to introduce to you Hell's latest arrival

I don't even anything. Why don't mesh heads make sense?

*breathes*

So, let me get this straight...



When I wear a skin designed for LeLutka EVO-X, which I'm informed won't WORK on non-EVO-X heads, on the LeLutka Kaya EVO-X head, I get lips on my forehead and rows of teeth on my chin. But when I wear a skin designed for LeLutka EVO-X, on the LeLutka Lilly head, which is (at least as far as I know) NOT EVO-X...it works???

Make it make sense. Please. What?



(This is pre-shape adjustment, by the way. Yes. I realize I look like Meg Tilly as a space alien. I'm *hoping* that will improve later on.)

I've been playing at self-worth again, ain't it fun to play pretend?

Finally got around to unpacking the new mesh head acquired in December from LeLutka...



Good, good, that's helpful...

...and none of the skins I own that SAY they're for LeLutka EVO X--or even LeLutka original, in case I somehow didn't buy EVO--work to remove that, so...right. Setting that aside until the next time I decide to fight with it.

cold reflections, they tell no lies, but eyes just scratch the surface

There was a thing that came up in ISC chat earlier...Leaving names in because there are no guilty to protect, per se. So.

[08:44] Kara2016: Did hear that LL is going too increase the linden exchange rate?
[08:44] Grimoire Hexem: yeah.
[08:44] Grimoire Hexem: it's 3$ per every 10k L
[08:45] Zantyago Mannonen: so evey linden is worth more or less=
[08:45] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst): every linden will cost us more.
[08:45] Zantyago Mannonen: WHAT?
[08:45] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Err....no....
[08:45] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): 10K in Lindens is currently $41.67, not $3.00?
[08:46] Grimoire Hexem: they're adding a tax.
[08:46] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): In addition to the $1.49 they already charge?
[08:46] Isobel DeSantis: They're increasing the $1.49 - that will now be the minimum
[08:46] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Ugh.
[08:47] Kara2016: i use the Instant buy(Market buy) not the Best rate buy(Limit buy)
[08:47] Isobel DeSantis: Mari sent a notice about it the other day - it changes on the 22nd

The notice Miss Mari sent goes thusly:

Not polite [ but we're family ]
to discuss money but Linden is raising the BUY, not sell Linden dollar transaction fee eff 4/22 to 7.5%, $9.99 cap, $1.49 minimum (current max). So, if you long term rent you may want to save a bit and stock up before 4/22 to cover your tier for a while
https://community.secondlife.com/blogs/entry/7770-infrastructure-investment-update-buy-fee-change-effective-april-22/. {in case of error website info rules}

And I say again: Ugh.

[08:47] Grimoire Hexem: they must pay tribute to the new Amazon Cloud overlords.
[08:47] Isobel DeSantis: yeah, this is the instant one as well, [Kxxx]
[08:47] Isobel DeSantis: Those of us outside the US already pay a huge exchange rate charge to Tilia

Which sounds like the advent of Tilia gave the Lindens the ability to charge fees above and BEYOND VAT, which (at least personally) I think is a terrible idea...

[08:48] Kara2016: it may not be that bad..
[08:48] Zantyago Mannonen: CURSE YOU BEZOS
[08:48] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Well, bother. I appreciate her suggestion to stock up before the 22nd, but that assumes one has enough TO allow stocking up before the 1st.
[08:48] Isobel DeSantis: they give us the worst exchange rate of anywhere in the world!
[08:48] Isobel DeSantis: ikr, Emily?
[08:48] Isobel DeSantis: When my bank was giving $1.30 to the £, Tilia gave $1.18
[08:49] Isobel DeSantis: They make more on selling Lindens than anything else, I would think [08:49] Kara2016: Just be glade you are not paying $40.00 for $500.00 Rays on top of a $20.00 membership..
[08:50] Kara2016: a week
[08:50] Isobel DeSantis: what are Rays?

Yeah, I have no idea. I never played on Red Light District, Utherverse, or Oasis, though I'm sure there are other adults-only virtual worlds.

[08:50] Isobel DeSantis: "Linden is raising the BUY , not sell Linden dollar transaction fee eff 4/22 to 7.5% , $9.99 cap , $1.49 minimum(current max) "
[08:50] Kara2016: i used too be on an adult virtural site..those were the currancy
[08:52] Isobel DeSantis: I normally buy 15,000L at a time - so my transaction fee will go from $1.49 to about $4.50
[08:53] Kara2016: Thats a lot of Lindens..I like 2,500
[08:54] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Part of the annoyance with the new fee, for me? I had started buying my largest lump-sum amount of Lindens at the start of the month, TO avoid hitting that fee again and again, buying L$1K here, L$500 there.
[08:54] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): With this, it's basically making us choose--either accept the higher fee for the larger lump sum, or LET us charge you $1.49 for every smaller transaction.
[08:56] Isobel DeSantis: My rent is about 7500L$ a week Kara
[08:56] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) nods
[08:57] Isobel DeSantis: Yeah it's capped at $9.99 which is about 30,000L$
[08:57] Isobel DeSantis: maybe 35,000
[08:57] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Still no. $9.99 is L$2397 in Lindens.
[08:58] Kara2016: if i bought 5,000L NOW, IT WOULD BE 22.33$
[08:59] Isobel DeSantis: I mean if you buy more than about 35,000L$ at a time, your transaction fee won't go up
[08:59] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): It won't go up from that four-buck-plus figure, probably not, no, but that's still more than double the fee for transactions $9.99 or less.
[08:59] Isobel DeSantis: so you can buy 50,000L$ and pay the same transaction fee as someone buying 35,000 is what I'm trying (badly!) to say
[09:00] Isobel DeSantis: not $4 - the max is $9.99 Emily
[09:00] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): The FEE is $9.99??
[09:00] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oh good gods.
[09:00] Isobel DeSantis: Yes
[09:01] Isobel DeSantis: it's 7.5% with a max of $9.99

Thanks, I hate it.

[09:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Do they...want...people to stay in SL?
[09:01] Isobel DeSantis: currently the max is $1.49
[09:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Because this is how you drive people off a platform.
[09:01] Isobel DeSantis: From Thursday, the MINIMUM will be $1.49
[09:02] Kara2016: SO THE NEW FEE WILL BE 9.99?
[09:02] Isobel DeSantis: the new maximum, Kara
[09:02] Kara2016: sory for the caps.
[09:02] Isobel DeSantis: the new minimum will be $1.49
[09:03] Kara2016: what i seeibng now is the transactiuon fee of 1.49
[09:03] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Right, but it's not the 22nd yet.
[09:03] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): It's the 18th.
[09:03] Isobel DeSantis: that's the current maximum yes
[09:03] Isobel DeSantis: it WILL be the minimum
[09:04] Kara2016: oh, well.

Now, I should add that since I captured this, I linked the forum URL to Hiro, and his perspective is that this is a good thing? To encourage people not to carry huge amounts of Lindens on their accounts (he suggests potential money laundering concerns, and maybe that's a thing?), but also, to make money in-world and not buy through the Lab.

Which, again--are they trying to discourage people to buy Lindens? Isn't that Second Life's chief microtransaction? Why would they want to make it less desirable to buy the in-game currency?

it's a fact of life, your final act is gonna need some work

WELL THIS WAS FUN--

[10:46] axxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: how was your day today?
[10:48] axxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh let me run to madpea to get my day gift for valentines before I forget
[10:48] axxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oops sorry wrong chat

Could've been worse.

[10:48] jxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx hugs [Axxx] "haha, you and me both!"
[10:51] Rxxxxxxxx Rxxxx: Good thing I never post in the wrong chat. (Did I say that without blushing?)
[10:52] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: At least it wasn't something 'really special' where you want the ground to swallow you up after :D

Yeah, been there, done that...far too many times.

[10:53] Rxxxxxxxx Rxxxx: oh I like thos better :)
[10:53] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *giggles*
[10:53] Rxxxxxxxx Rxxxx: so we all hold our breath if she would post more :)
[10:53] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: mmhmmm :D
[10:53] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: where's the popcorn? :D
[10:54] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: well puddles, I haven't seen even one heart...lol...my graphics may not be good enough!

During all this, there was a hunt on the sim. It's not relevant other than people occasionally mention it.

. [10:54] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: tho on the other end they turn redder than their hair. Well at least in my case anyway :D
[10:58] jxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: push your glasses up, get on some good shoes and scan around. You know [Ixx] is the Hide and Seek winner of champs by now! =-)
[11:11] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh please .. why can i not enter , i did no harm to any, if i spoke i asked

All well and good, right? Just chatter back and forth. But no, meet Ms. A, who's either extremely argumentative or extremely stupid by nature. I can't figure out which.

[11:11] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i can not enter
[11:12] bxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I would check your script count
[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i never go into any public chat .. but to ask

I mean...good for you? But really, you should just ask for help from a mod. It's why they're there, or at least, one of the reasons.

[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: they exist!! I found one!!
[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no i am a cat .. it am good on that
[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: gosh
[11:15] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ah lost a letter but well .. if you don't want me there i go to other skin shops .. but refund my member ship please, legally a ban would stilll do that hihi .. i do not get the ban .. i sometimes talks of a board not working but otherwise i never speak out anything lol

Err...no, there you're wrong--if a group charges a fee, you don't get it back, even if you're banned. Which it doesn't sound like you were, anyway?

[11:18] dxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: u should really check your scriptcount as [bxx] said, if you would be banned you would have gotten a notice about the reason

Ms. D's another mod. She would know.

[11:22] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no i am a cat.. i am like 40k .. it is that i mentioned the board was not working lol .. it did not .. it was just so you knew ... there where more that noticed but i only reported lol

And that can't be it, either, we say that a lot. "[X giveaway thing] is down again." High-traffic sim, it happens. We're then told they're working on it, or they will get to it, or they thank us because they hadn't yet heard, and everyone moves on.

[11:23] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the rendercost is not the scripts
[11:23] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ok so how i check that lol
[11:24] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i can see appearance
[11:24] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i never had a problem before
[11:24] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and i did not change my cat

Yeah, but chicklet, you're still missing the point--you haven't BEEN banned.

[11:24] Txxxxxxxx Exxxx: (Axxxxx], check your IMs
[11:25] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol thank you

Okay! You're getting help! Awesome! (She types, knowing what's going to happen.)

[11:25] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i got the message that i got a 2 hour ban .. i don't know why

Here's my other problem with all this: I'm not going to say she's lying, but...I have never heard of this store, or this designer, handing out two hour bans. It's pretty much all or nothing--she works it out with you, or you're gone. No in-between.

[11:26] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but it seems to enter count when i am on
[11:26] Ixxxx Zxxx: we never ban people for a hour or so

And there's confirmation.

[11:26] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Probably running a high script ratio, then. Which likely comes down to expression control huds, head control hud, tail hud, whatever.
[11:27] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: gosh... if you go off with it .. bless you .. i just go find another skin store that is not this .. pathetic .. cause i still don't know why .. as i never do anythign i just look the boards .. is it cause i don't buy ? i did buy in past lol but sure won't now

"Pathetic". That's...what you're going with? Really?

[11:27] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Whoa.
[11:27] Axxxxxxxxx Txxxx shakes her head.
[11:27] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I get you're irked about the ban, but to go from 'why is this happening' to 'pathetic' is a leap, isn't it?
[11:27] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yeah whaoa indeed , i am banned for some hours for no reason

Missing the point, chicklet.

[11:28] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Just ask a mod.
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thanks
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i did
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol

So...why aren't you leaving it in their hands?

[11:28] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you was getting already lots of help, we mentioned things and [Lxxx] even wrote your personal.
[11:28] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yet, you still said 'pathetic', is the thing.
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and yes

Was she confirming that she was getting help and still threw a fit in group chat??

[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so i should shut up about it here right ?

Ideally...if you're already working with a mod, keep doing that. Don't complain fruitlessly.

[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i still don't know why i am banned , i am a cat .. i do no harm to anyone
[11:28] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: would you maybe read your Ims, that was sended to you?

That would be nice, yes.

[11:29] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i read them [Dxxxxx]
[11:29] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thank you
[11:29] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol

Really? Doesn't sound like it. Or do you mean, 'Why yes, I read them, but I didn't reply to them, because I'm an idiot'? Because that is also what it sounds like.

[11:29] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: banned is different that ejected

Usually, but I'm still wondering where that 'You've been banned for two hours' thing came from. This store doesn't do that. This maker doesn't do that. So where was she seeing that?

[11:29] Qxxx Bxxxxx: it won't get you anywhere so I'd shut up before you DO get banned.

And she really should have taken this advice...

[11:30] Ixxxx Zxxx: we did NOT ban you

And now you snagged the attention of the skin designer. Go you.

[11:30] Ixxxx Zxxx: we NEVER ban people for a hour or so
[11:30] Ixxxx Zxxx: we ban or dont ban
[11:30] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oooof. Please, [Axxxxx], for the love of all gods, breathe and read your IMs.
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: i would think 'ban' would include being unable to chat in group?

Actually, you'd like to think that, but until that person relogs or closes the group chat window, they have access. It's a glitch that's never been fixed.

[11:31] Ixxxx Zxxx: so something must be going on thats not as it should be
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i just asked and get banned .. woow what a business
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thanks all

Which is not what's going on, you absolute unseasoned chicken wing. Pause in the outrage for five seconds and turn your brain on.

[11:31] Ixxxx Zxxx: anyways... drop it in the chat and IM one of the staff plz
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i hope you have a bliss about it then it has some course lol
[11:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): If it were a permanent ban--which is all I've heard [Ixxxx] do--likely, yes. And she's still in the group, so....
[11:31] Ixxxx Zxxx: lets find out what happend
[11:31] Cxxxxxx Cxxxx: over scripted?
[11:31] Txxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: they haven't banned you
[11:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Exactly.

In my defense--in everyones' defense--we were trying to help, we were just typing fast, so it hadn't registered the group owner had said to stop. Our bad.

[11:32] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: its nice nice to insult people that try to help in IM, just saying .-=)
[11:32] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Mmhmm.
[11:32] Oxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: she doesn't want help, she wants to be a troll
[11:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Don't make it worse, [Oxxxx], please.
[11:33] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: please .. i see she only asked
[11:33] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what are you guys doing
[11:33] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: girls .. or whatever
[11:33] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: laughs
[11:33] Ixxxx Zxxx: and now she IS banned

And it was entirely her fault she GOT banned.

[11:33] Ixxxx Zxxx: lets change the toppic

And that really should've been it.

[11:34] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so has anyone having a good day?
[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: gads...still only one heart!! [Ixxxx] you are a good GOOD hider!!!
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: woow .. i just saw a questions and you ban for that ?

Oh, good gods, don't YOU start!

[11:34] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: She did not just ask, you didnt readed my Im.-)
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not a shopt to be int lololol

Whatever shred of sympathy I had for you, chicklet, is now gone.

[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: an alt ..how boring.
[11:34] Ixxxx Zxxx: how is the hunt going sinners?
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she did ask and i am sure in the im she asked more
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: do you treat customers that way ?

I don't...just make it stop.

[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: I've found one [Ixxxx]!!!
[11:34] Qxxx Bxxxxx: ...hunt?
[11:34] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well i for ONE love [the store]
[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: only one! lol
[11:34] Ixxxx Zxxx: yay!
[11:34] _Pxxx Lxxxxxxx: Hi all has the hunt started yet?
[11:35] Ixxxx Zxxx: i know its a hard hunt
[11:35] Nxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: Yay a new hunt!!!
[11:35] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: you hide too well!!!

She does. She's been in Twisted too long.

[11:35] Ixxxx Zxxx: but... worth it
[11:35] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and i love looking at all the beautiful skins...great job!
[11:35] Ixxxx Zxxx: hehehe
[11:35] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: well i love the one I found lol...but [Izara] you are makin my eyes bleeeed from lookin! lmao
[11:35] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: woow .. i am going to log too cause this does upset me ... this is not a shop it is a culture .. it is like you do as we want you to and you are fine kinda thing , right ?
[11:35] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh gosh logg off ff time

Please kill this alt's access too.

After that, things settled down, but sheesh, people. Catch a clue. You have a problem, talk to the designer, the land owner, whatever. If you can't reach them, and you're still in their group, talk to a mod. If that fails, ask--RESPECTFULLY--in group chat. How is this hard?

something clearly terrified you; did you choose to disappear?

I have this conversation once a week, easily. All that changes is the name.

[10:19] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Welcome to Sakura, [Hxxxxx]! Do let me know if I can help, and otherwise, enjoy wandering the grounds of Bellefleurs!
[10:19] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: yes i need help
[10:20] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Of course! What can I do?
[10:21] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: im trying to find where i can purchase the engarde system,,,
[10:21] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Ah, right. So....there's a major hitch with that, unfortunately.
[10:21] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: cant find it on the mp
[10:21] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): You won't.
[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So, the creator of the system left SL in...some upset. I have never been able to find out why. But he killed server access to everything he'd made the same day he left.
[10:22] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: damn

Yeah, everyone's still pretty irked about it.

[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Now, people who had their En Garde systems still out--us, a pirate sim, there's a few others--found the systems still work.
[10:22] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: so only have to find someone willig to sell me theirs i guess
[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): They no longer record for tournaments....No.
[10:23] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Because...and this is the TRULY annoying part....any new system breaks when rezzed.
[10:23] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: double damn

Now, this is what I've been told, but it suddenly occurs to me, I've never actually verified if this is true or not? I may have to ask Indy when she gets back just to pop one out, and see if it breaks, because...if it doesn't, that is a total game-changer, and if it does, then we have verification.

[10:23] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So unless you want to buy the sim or parcel it's on? Because you can't even pick it up to move them. If Indy wanted to move ours, for instance, she could only pull it into edit and shift it. Taking it back into inventory would break it.
[10:24] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: bummer...thanks for your time
[10:24] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Sure!

There is still interest in the game. People have found workarounds so they can play tournaments. There's still an official En Garde league. There's just...no new boards anymore. Only the ones that existed when the creator left, far as I know.

smoke 'em if you got 'em, 'cause it's going down

Another day, another attempt to get to the tower at White Veil. All right, you rock bastards, let's go.



So, same thing, start at the beginning, agree to the experience if you've never been there before, and start out. "Simple"...



Found out what the squares do. So this is pre-their effect (on my second attempt running up the side of the course), but they attach with a variety of squeaking sounds, before bouncing you up in the air. I don't know if it's an always thing, but at least they didn't dump me back into center track. Always off the track entirely, crashing into trees or penguins.



Oh, what's this? A little bridge out to...a TV? Why?



A TV that's just showing a still image, even. Hmm. But that did remind me, I meant to watch the video the artists released of the exhibit. And there are a few clues in there for how best to access the track.



Finally made it to the tower! I felt accomplished! And I was almost immediately sent back to the beginning because...the winding ramp up has little discs SHOOTING PUSHING ORBS AT CLIMBERS??? Bryn, WHYYYYY?



Made it to the winding ramp again on the third try, and dodged the little shooting discs, and...RIGHT INTO A MAGNET I COULDN'T ESCAPE FROM ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Which held me until the big rock was released down the ramp, and rolled right over my face. And I got sent BACK to the start for the third time.

I have a certain point I always reach with restart games, that started when the organizers behind the Twisted hunts decided it was more fun laughing at tortured souls than actually giving them a reasonable challenge. Three's about it, and I'm at my frustration limit. Which may be the point, I don't know, but I do know it's going to be at least another week before I try again.

I still don't know what's at the top of the tower.

go and find another adventure, c'mon let's go

The new art exhibit by Bryn Oh and Cica Ghost is called White Veil, and I'm not sure if it's completely open yet? But Bryn had been asking interesting parties to test the mechanics, so that's what I'm here to do.



So let's begin here, with the single biggest hazard of the exhibit, both literally and by size. The first obstacle to understanding is an obstacle--or, more importantly, a set of obstacles that roll down the hill. Several round balls in white, of varying sizes...and this big boy.



When they hit the avatar, the avatar goes *poof* back to the beginning of the course, base of the mountain. This is INCREDIBLY frustrating. This entry, in fact, features shots from my third attempt up the hill. But there is a slim, a very narrow, up side: these little blue discs. Step on one, the avatar is "protected"...but it's a very restricted protection.



In short: each disc offers about ten seconds or so of being trapped in a bubble in which we can't move, can't roll to the side, can't roll off the disc--but which can be struck by the orbs rolling downhill, and knocked around, popped into the air, whatever. Which...is also incredibly frustrating, because sometimes, they decide to *poof* when we're right in front of that big boulder. And *whomp*, back to the beginning.

And then...several days went by during which I didn't return, though I planned to, because I still want to see the rest of it. But, sometime during the planning-and-not-doing, I got invited to the actual opening of the installation.



Meet random person I saw there. This outfit was incredible--in person, it shimmered, glistened, and it was also far more sheer standing next to her. She was stunning. Wish I knew who she was.



We had all gathered for the second part of the opening events, having started with a live musical concert. That's Rosedrop Rust on the big chair in this shot--he was one of the spoken-word poets that performed during the second half. I am so glad I was able to go, and listen to poems of tentative hope and light, and slow renewal, because this event I'm talking about, for the last two images? That was January 21st.

But...walking the exhibit itself? That is still unfinished. I have not made it to the tower. I do not know what lies at the top. I will return, though I have no idea when this exhibit closes. So there will be at least one more entry covering White Veil.

well, I ain't really falling asleep; I'm fading to black

Not Scenes? Well, yes, because at this point, I don't want to cause further strife, so this is NOT quoting of conversations from SL. It will be markedly rephrased to my opinions only. (Which still may not stop controversy, but I'm doing what I can.)

So here they are, in order.

1. Attacking people just for being friends with me is a low blow. Please, just stop. You're all adults. Act like them.
2. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not holding onto grudges. I'm sorry we are where we are. But I'm not dwelling on anything, I'm not feeling guilty over anything, and I'm certainly not plotting against anyone.
3. The main reason this is up in the air, still, is not just being accused, but being accused of specific things. The current being "poaching". I've never "poached" anyone from any sim. Neither has Hiro. I've never told ANYONE who's playing on ANY sim to leave that sim, including sims I KNEW were deeply, psychotically toxic (and before anyone points fingers at that statement, I am thinking SPECIFICALLY of Lumindor and Valruna, and NOTHING MORE CURRENT). That is not my place, and MOREOVER I encouraged people to stay. Just because we leave a place doesn't mean that place can't still be wonderful and enthralling for others.
4. Codicil to the above: there is NO ONE who roleplays on the grid who lives and solely exists, 24/7, on one sim. People port away for sales, to meet with friends, people log out for RL, people go to classes elsewhere if they're involved in some learning effort in SL. Every time someone leaves X sim, it doesn't mean someone else has stolen them away. That is a staggering amount of paranoia. Again, please stop. Be adult about it.

Ultimately, people will believe what they want to, and nothing I say will convince the ones who've already decided who's right and who's wrong. All I'm asking is that whether I'm viewed as an individual, with my own thoughts and feelings, or Her Satanic Majesty of improper influence and aggrandizing plans, to please consider before you attack others. You want to attack me? Fine. Come to MY door. Don't pick on other people just because you're upset. That's what bullies do.

And that's all.

Will this still bug me? Of course. For reasons of closure, and because I am an obsessive-compulsive on many things, but also...If I had no other reasons, I apparently lost a close friend over everything that happened, someone who used to talk to me several times a day, and now won't even answer the two notecards I sent asking why she unfriended me. And again, this person is an adult, with their own mind and emotions, but if this is the level of nonsensical detritus thrown around in meetings and conversations, it's really no wonder she's also apparently decided I'm Satan. Or married to Satan.

I don't get people sometimes.

but you weren't happy the day I watched you go

(Note from the Editrix: Because these are mounting, sadly, I'm going to start generally indicating when they were written, as opposed to published. This one was written on the 27th of July, from pictures taken on the 23rd.)

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
~Roald Dahl


I miss you, baby
like a shadow in the night

This pond is far too small for this snek. Flat out. Also, there's apparently a shark. This is cruelty to sealife!



every time you walk around
you know my feet don't touch the ground
when you try to take my hand
I know one day you'll understand

So there's probably things to go bang still, it's always the way. But the heavy work, the attempts to smooth the jagged edges and getting cut on the fractures, I think that's winding down. I'm still processing, but...we've either hit a plateau, so I can rest for a bit, or all the angst has run its course.



I don't want the sun to shine
because I know that you're not mine
don't want no light to shine on me
across my eyes, I don't want to see

Of course, the end result of that is, someone expects a decision on a question, and...I'm not ready yet. Or maybe I haven't made the decision yet. Or...can't live with the one that seems obvious. Not sure. Still turning the concepts, checking all the angles. Because I could be right, or very wrong here, and whichever way it goes, I want to be able to take responsibility for it.



I miss you, baby
like a shadow in the night
I wonder maybe
is it worth another fight?

It's no good reaching a decision point, then denying it five minutes later. And especially with this...as much as I hate it, as much as I tend to use swords on the Gordian knots of major life changes, this may be one time that additional time won't hurt.

Or...will hurt less in the long run. A little pain now, to spare some pain later? If possible? Yeah, might be worth taking the time.



every day you question me
about how it's gonna be
and I can't find the words to say
that it shouldn't be okay

But it's leaving me at loose ends, a bit. I think the picture runs started with a solid purpose, helping me process paired with just getting me out of standing in place at home, staring in horror at the walls. And I won't lie, it's been fascinating plugging random words into search and seeing what pops up, and going there. I've found some places I want to return to, which is better than I expected, and only a couple of them are Adult sims, so that's even more entertaining.



wish I'll wander on my own
like when I'm feeling so alone
I only want you by my side
I need your arms to hold me tight

And yet, still, I'm doing this once or twice a day, picture runs, sim runs, then opening Gimp to edit them into frames...it's all diversion, and diversion is good, but we don't need to live in this space anymore. I don't even know when these entries are going to stop, even, I have some saved until the first few days of August, so...it seems like a lot is yet to come, and that's a bit worrying.

(Especially as this is going to post after everything else, I think...)



I miss you, baby
I miss you, baby
I miss you, baby...

So what are we left with? Well, I'm no longer being haunted by lighthouses in almost every sim, that's something. I'm now finding crossroads signs. This may be the next bit of poking from the universe, and I already know the meaning, because...yeah, in a very real way, I'm there now.

And I want to go the right way. I need to go the right way. So I may be here a while...

(Pictures taken at Bedtime Story Indoctrination Camp, MYTHOS, Mythical City of Cathal, Raven's Shadow, Bourbon Street and Nevgilde Gaard. Lyrics from Jarek Laaser's I Miss You Babe, and if they're wrong, that's on me, because I couldn't find lyrics to this song on the net, so I had to transcribe them from the video.)