In the middle of a quick graphic job on a voodoo doll skin (I really don't think I'm ever going to sell it, I just want to import it and see how it looks; it's the Sezmra skin base with overlayers of burn and burlap, essentially), I heard from sachi Vixen, calling everyone on her list to warn them about Virtualget.
I immediately grabbed what I could on their 'current listings' and sent notecards explaining the issue to Ghanima Uriza, among others, before leaving SL and working more on the dolly skin.
Miss Ghanima (she runs Blue Blood, if you don't immediately link up the name; very much gothic/EGL work, nice textures, and generous with sales and lucky chair/Midnight Mania items) wrote me back, and from there to the present, talked to the folks behind Shopping Cart Disco to send out an immediate screed on the danger.
Of particular importance, I think, is this run from the comments:
Domain: virtualget.net
Status: Protected
DNS:
ns1.realitychecknetwork.com
ns2.realitychecknetwork.com
Created: 2009-07-02 04:19:38
Expires: 2010-07-02 04:19:38
Last Modified: 2009-07-02 04:18:31
Registrant Contact:
Katz Global Domain Name Trust
Privacy Protected Domain Katz Global Domain Name Trust (domaintrust@katzglobal.com)
32 Maxwell Road #03-07
Singapore, SC, sg 069115
P: +65.67228356 F: +65.67258021
Administrative Contact:
Katz Global Domain Name Trust
Privacy Protected Domain Katz Global Domain Name Trust (domaintrust@katzglobal.com)
32 Maxwell Road #03-07
Singapore, SC, sg 069115
P: +65.67228356 F: +65.67258021
Technical Contact:
Katz Global Domain Name Trust
Privacy Protected Domain Katz Global Domain Name Trust (domaintrust@katzglobal.com)
32 Maxwell Road #03-07
Singapore, SC, sg 069115
P: +65.67228356 F: +65.67258021
Billing Contact:
Katz Global Domain Name Trust
Privacy Protected Domain Katz Global Domain Name Trust (domaintrust@katzglobal.com)
Apparently, they have over two HUNDRED domains registered, all out of Singapore. But this one caught my eye. From a user named "Hyb":
1-866-726-4678 Moisey Uretsky HOSTING THIS SITE located in Brooklyn NY
abuse@realitychecknetwork.com there is their email addy
Now that's the one that may get them into trouble. Singapore, well, there's not a lot an American web company--like, f'rinstance, Linden Labs--can do to effect punishment. But the Brooklyn, NY server host? That one they can go after.
And seeing as how that ties into a company that may well be just a dodge front for credit card fraud? That one could make Federal-level charges, and potentially Interpol charges, if they handle credit fraud.
The word races around the grid; don't be surprised if this is the next seven-day wonder for a bit. Me, I'm going to sit back and watch how fast the site gets pulled, frankly. I'll keep you posted.
In the meantime, DO NOT shop there, DO NOT give them any of your RL info, DISCOURAGE YOUR FRIENDS from shopping there. With any luck, no one will lose anything of importance, but the scammers.
Showing posts with label cessation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cessation. Show all posts
06 October, 2009
14 March, 2009
I can't hold back and I can't hold on
Someone had entirely too much fun merging Daft Punk and Snow White's dwarves.
Also, why Stephen Fry is wonderful. More to the point, it's relevant, very relevant, to the discussion we're currently in:
This is an early thing I said about the internet at the time things like AOL were still huge. I said it's Milton Keynes, that's the problem with it. It's got all these nice, safe cycle paths and child-friendly parks and all the rest of it.
But the internet is a city and, like any great city, it has monumental libraries and theatres and museums and places in which you can learn and pick up information and there are facilities for you that are astounding - specialised museums, not just general ones.
But there are also slums and there are red light districts and there are really sleazy areas where you wouldn't want your children wandering alone.
And you say, "But how do I know which shops are selling good gear in the city and how do I know which are bad? How do I know which streets are safe and how do I know which aren't?" Well you find out.
What you don't need is a huge authority or a series of identity cards and police escorts to take you round the city because you can't be trusted to do it yourself or for your children to do it.
And I think people must understand that about the internet - it is a new city, it's a virtual city and there will be parts of it of course that they dislike, but you don't pull down London because it's got a red light district.
Which is, I think, the main point I want to make in all of this. If people don't want to experience adult activities--with that stentorian "that's wrong and awful and you should be ashamed of yourself" meaning--then they need to form their own enclaves, and hold in them--the rest of the grid shouldn't have to change just because of a small group of shrill idiots.
Back to the forums:
I'm not seeing that a move is required - only control. As a university professor at a public university, I find that some students are very negative about SL because of the adult content. They do not want me to require them to go where they might accidentally encounter places they would not go in RL or on the internet. In addition, my university's attorney has given me numerous cautions and, if any of my students should complain to administration, I will have to abandon SL as a teaching strategy. It has proven to be a very good teaching tool and I would hate to do that. This would give me a way to prevent that from happening. (Clowey Greenwood)
And I don't agree. Why? Follow:
Sandii Tesla is an exceptionally bright (and before anyone looks, entirely fictional) 20-year-old student at MIT. She's perhaps the merest bit socially awkward, so she likes talking with her friends and maybe going to a few dances, but she gets very nervous when she walks into a strip club and sees naked avatars dancing on poles. She doesn't think she should have to see such things, she's using Second Life to further her education.
First off: she's not wrong. In all honesty, she's not--you shouldn't have to see things you don't want to see on the grid. But what's a fairer way to deal with it? Clowey's way, the Lindens' way, would remove everything behind barriered walls, cripple search, cause extreme damage to the economy of the game--which is already suffering, and has been for more than two years--and all to "protect" people like Miss Sandii?
No. She's not wrong, but no. Because the better way to protect people is for them to police their own content.
Look. Think of libraries. Libraries are there to preserve information, all the information that's deemed important to save. This means in some cases, information is going to be archived and preserved which the librarians feel is in the public interest--the whole public--to preserve.
Are they going to preserve books which certain people think would be better burned? Sure. Are there going to be protests over those books? Sure. Are those books then censored and dragged out of the libraries and set on fire? No.
As Fry said, but applying it to the grid, SL is a wide and varied place. There are magnificent vistas, amazing structures, art galleries, learning institutions...there are clothing shops that feel so solid and so real you can nearly smell the wood, see your face in the glass you walk by. There are eateries and representations of RL places that perfectly mimic what exists in the real--or doesn't exist, for instance, in the case of New Orleans in SL.
There are places to read, libraries, dance halls, parks, manicured lawns, sports fields, mountain ranges, deep seas, underwater colonies, space stations. If you can dream it, you can be it, at least on the grid.
And with that come the darker dreams, places where we run for our lives from the terror in the dark; haunted houses that make us cry out and hide; murder mysteries where we are the victims, or worse, the murderers; and more. Bloodstained halls where screams have soaked into the stone; places where flesh is stretched, shivering, fearing the next blow; sims where the warning signs of stay on the path are meant literally, for if you wander...you're subject to force/capture...or worse.
There are SL date-rape drugs. There are escorts who specialize in brutality and snuff. There are machines that purport to hypnotize, to make us less inhibited, more programmable gynoids for the pleasure of whomever has our call codes. There are distant shadowed places on the grid where I don't feel safe going, where the pleasures found would not be survived in another world.
Do I want to be in those places? No. Does the average person--I forebear using "normal"--want to be there? No. Does that mean I, or anyone, should have the power to ban completely those who want those pleasures to experience?
But here's the very real rub, in no uncertain terms: because the Lindens are self-policing, in a sense, because it's their systems.
It's that difference again. Server. Place.
From the forums again:
Then why not approach it from the opposite direction - give those who want to avoid it, a clearly defined and enforced space where they CAN, rather than trying to sweep up the current grid piecemeal. More efficient use of resources to make a new PG rated space for open development than to try to round up and move the existing content creators. Making people move locations is disruptive and based on the feedback I'm seeing in the forum, people are considering it punitive - it's not what your intent is in the implementation, but rather, how it is being received by your targets (see also: typical corporate sexual harassment guidelines, for example - it's not whether you intended harm by telling an off-color joke, it's how that joke impacted the person hearing it). Reframe this enterprise in a positive way by developing a new space for people who don't want it, so they can avoid it, instead of the other way round. It's Public Relations 101. (Bonibaru Navarathna)
Bonibaru's got it right. Will it change anything? Likely not. But this is the way the Labs should approach it.
Bonibaru also had another point, regarding Blondin Linden:'s "increased foot traffic" fantasy:
I would expect intolerable lag, since sex scripts and weapons scripts are notorious resource hogs. So let's put them all in one place! Great idea! The increased foot traffic will be like swimming through molasses.
Beeflin Grut evidences some (potentially understandable) paranoia:
I find it hard to believe that this initiative is really the result of Residents "asking for more clarity and control over their experiences", whatever that means. I haven't met one person in my 19 months here who's asked for any such thing. Where's the evidence of this request?
I'd love to know, too.
And what about those who don't care, one way or another, about most of what you seem to be defining as adult content, but do care about other aspects of builds and people who it seems will have to move... given the rather puritan definition of adult in the FAQ? (Argent Stonecutter)
And Argent has a GREAT point here. Maybe it's time to go to the FAQ and pull out the Labs' specific definition of adult:
...yes, that's extremely helpful.
Nany Kano--who says she's one of the people asking for these changes--has her own spin on things:
Filtering excessively explicit content out of casual public view will be a very refreshing change. It should be a relatively simple matter to apply the same general rules to SL content as are applied to movie ratings. Second Life already has a PG rating in effect. All that is needed is to put it to use.
And if that's as far as it goes, I'm fine with that. Want PG content? Stay in PG areas. Want NC-17 content? Stay in those areas. But understand that those areas may well overlap. The forced relocation of hundreds of businesses may well achieve the unstated, but possible goal of having adult business owners throw their hands up in disgust and walk away. Is that what's best for the grid and for the grid's economy, however?
Welcome to Second Life's brave new world - and it's not one we want to play in, thanks. We won't be prepared to invest the time, effort and hard cash in something that is so plainly going in a direction we hate.
You can claim to be trying to set reasonable definitions by consensus - but the fact is they're *your* definitions. The goalposts will be moved again and again until people are too scared to cough loudly for fear of a ban.
Good luck with your business model, in that case. But maybe you're really doing us the biggest favour you could - spurring us to get off our backsides and create something better. (Astrofiammante Seminario)
Which has been alluded to, if not outright stated, before, actually.
I really don't think a "warning please do not come here if you do not wish to sexual content/blood and gore etc" on their page in search is too much to ask. (beatrix Muircastle)
If I'm right, beatrix is another SL child; even if I'm wrong, she's not. But the thing is businesses catering to the adult population who want adult activites already do say this--in the images they choose to advertise their businesses with, the names of their businesses, the keywords they type at the bottom of the ads...it's all there, right now, as Search exists. That people think it doesn't is sheerly baffling to me.
Nany Kano weighs in again:
If someone is going to be deprived of the use of this technology, I prefer it be the ones who are offensive rather than the ones who are offended. Let the offenders leave.
Okay, but who decides who's offensive? Who makes those calls? And will they do it right when they do?
Me, personally, I find puritanical bigotry and racism highly offensive; furs dressing up in Nazi gear in world I find offensive; people who buy the records of Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus offend the crap out of me. But I don't believe, personally, I have the right to set them on fire and watch them burn.
Nor should anyone else.
But. Lest we forget...server. Place. It's not our world, not our grid. And even though it is our community, it's not our game. So I suppose the question then becomes, what do the Lindens find offensive? Because we're all going to be trapped in the death spiral of their morality before long, if this goes the way many are beginning to think it will.
Also, why Stephen Fry is wonderful. More to the point, it's relevant, very relevant, to the discussion we're currently in:
This is an early thing I said about the internet at the time things like AOL were still huge. I said it's Milton Keynes, that's the problem with it. It's got all these nice, safe cycle paths and child-friendly parks and all the rest of it.
But the internet is a city and, like any great city, it has monumental libraries and theatres and museums and places in which you can learn and pick up information and there are facilities for you that are astounding - specialised museums, not just general ones.
But there are also slums and there are red light districts and there are really sleazy areas where you wouldn't want your children wandering alone.
And you say, "But how do I know which shops are selling good gear in the city and how do I know which are bad? How do I know which streets are safe and how do I know which aren't?" Well you find out.
What you don't need is a huge authority or a series of identity cards and police escorts to take you round the city because you can't be trusted to do it yourself or for your children to do it.
And I think people must understand that about the internet - it is a new city, it's a virtual city and there will be parts of it of course that they dislike, but you don't pull down London because it's got a red light district.
Which is, I think, the main point I want to make in all of this. If people don't want to experience adult activities--with that stentorian "that's wrong and awful and you should be ashamed of yourself" meaning--then they need to form their own enclaves, and hold in them--the rest of the grid shouldn't have to change just because of a small group of shrill idiots.
Back to the forums:
I'm not seeing that a move is required - only control. As a university professor at a public university, I find that some students are very negative about SL because of the adult content. They do not want me to require them to go where they might accidentally encounter places they would not go in RL or on the internet. In addition, my university's attorney has given me numerous cautions and, if any of my students should complain to administration, I will have to abandon SL as a teaching strategy. It has proven to be a very good teaching tool and I would hate to do that. This would give me a way to prevent that from happening. (Clowey Greenwood)
And I don't agree. Why? Follow:
Sandii Tesla is an exceptionally bright (and before anyone looks, entirely fictional) 20-year-old student at MIT. She's perhaps the merest bit socially awkward, so she likes talking with her friends and maybe going to a few dances, but she gets very nervous when she walks into a strip club and sees naked avatars dancing on poles. She doesn't think she should have to see such things, she's using Second Life to further her education.
First off: she's not wrong. In all honesty, she's not--you shouldn't have to see things you don't want to see on the grid. But what's a fairer way to deal with it? Clowey's way, the Lindens' way, would remove everything behind barriered walls, cripple search, cause extreme damage to the economy of the game--which is already suffering, and has been for more than two years--and all to "protect" people like Miss Sandii?
No. She's not wrong, but no. Because the better way to protect people is for them to police their own content.
Look. Think of libraries. Libraries are there to preserve information, all the information that's deemed important to save. This means in some cases, information is going to be archived and preserved which the librarians feel is in the public interest--the whole public--to preserve.
Are they going to preserve books which certain people think would be better burned? Sure. Are there going to be protests over those books? Sure. Are those books then censored and dragged out of the libraries and set on fire? No.
As Fry said, but applying it to the grid, SL is a wide and varied place. There are magnificent vistas, amazing structures, art galleries, learning institutions...there are clothing shops that feel so solid and so real you can nearly smell the wood, see your face in the glass you walk by. There are eateries and representations of RL places that perfectly mimic what exists in the real--or doesn't exist, for instance, in the case of New Orleans in SL.
There are places to read, libraries, dance halls, parks, manicured lawns, sports fields, mountain ranges, deep seas, underwater colonies, space stations. If you can dream it, you can be it, at least on the grid.
And with that come the darker dreams, places where we run for our lives from the terror in the dark; haunted houses that make us cry out and hide; murder mysteries where we are the victims, or worse, the murderers; and more. Bloodstained halls where screams have soaked into the stone; places where flesh is stretched, shivering, fearing the next blow; sims where the warning signs of stay on the path are meant literally, for if you wander...you're subject to force/capture...or worse.
There are SL date-rape drugs. There are escorts who specialize in brutality and snuff. There are machines that purport to hypnotize, to make us less inhibited, more programmable gynoids for the pleasure of whomever has our call codes. There are distant shadowed places on the grid where I don't feel safe going, where the pleasures found would not be survived in another world.
Do I want to be in those places? No. Does the average person--I forebear using "normal"--want to be there? No. Does that mean I, or anyone, should have the power to ban completely those who want those pleasures to experience?
But here's the very real rub, in no uncertain terms: because the Lindens are self-policing, in a sense, because it's their systems.
It's that difference again. Server. Place.
From the forums again:
Then why not approach it from the opposite direction - give those who want to avoid it, a clearly defined and enforced space where they CAN, rather than trying to sweep up the current grid piecemeal. More efficient use of resources to make a new PG rated space for open development than to try to round up and move the existing content creators. Making people move locations is disruptive and based on the feedback I'm seeing in the forum, people are considering it punitive - it's not what your intent is in the implementation, but rather, how it is being received by your targets (see also: typical corporate sexual harassment guidelines, for example - it's not whether you intended harm by telling an off-color joke, it's how that joke impacted the person hearing it). Reframe this enterprise in a positive way by developing a new space for people who don't want it, so they can avoid it, instead of the other way round. It's Public Relations 101. (Bonibaru Navarathna)
Bonibaru's got it right. Will it change anything? Likely not. But this is the way the Labs should approach it.
Bonibaru also had another point, regarding Blondin Linden:'s "increased foot traffic" fantasy:
I would expect intolerable lag, since sex scripts and weapons scripts are notorious resource hogs. So let's put them all in one place! Great idea! The increased foot traffic will be like swimming through molasses.
Beeflin Grut evidences some (potentially understandable) paranoia:
I find it hard to believe that this initiative is really the result of Residents "asking for more clarity and control over their experiences", whatever that means. I haven't met one person in my 19 months here who's asked for any such thing. Where's the evidence of this request?
I'd love to know, too.
And what about those who don't care, one way or another, about most of what you seem to be defining as adult content, but do care about other aspects of builds and people who it seems will have to move... given the rather puritan definition of adult in the FAQ? (Argent Stonecutter)
And Argent has a GREAT point here. Maybe it's time to go to the FAQ and pull out the Labs' specific definition of adult:
Maturity ratings: an overview
Whoops! The article you're looking for was a work in progress, and not quite ready to be published. We still have a lot of talking left to do; we thank you for your patience while this gets worked out.
...yes, that's extremely helpful.
Nany Kano--who says she's one of the people asking for these changes--has her own spin on things:
Filtering excessively explicit content out of casual public view will be a very refreshing change. It should be a relatively simple matter to apply the same general rules to SL content as are applied to movie ratings. Second Life already has a PG rating in effect. All that is needed is to put it to use.
And if that's as far as it goes, I'm fine with that. Want PG content? Stay in PG areas. Want NC-17 content? Stay in those areas. But understand that those areas may well overlap. The forced relocation of hundreds of businesses may well achieve the unstated, but possible goal of having adult business owners throw their hands up in disgust and walk away. Is that what's best for the grid and for the grid's economy, however?
Welcome to Second Life's brave new world - and it's not one we want to play in, thanks. We won't be prepared to invest the time, effort and hard cash in something that is so plainly going in a direction we hate.
You can claim to be trying to set reasonable definitions by consensus - but the fact is they're *your* definitions. The goalposts will be moved again and again until people are too scared to cough loudly for fear of a ban.
Good luck with your business model, in that case. But maybe you're really doing us the biggest favour you could - spurring us to get off our backsides and create something better. (Astrofiammante Seminario)
Which has been alluded to, if not outright stated, before, actually.
I really don't think a "warning please do not come here if you do not wish to sexual content/blood and gore etc" on their page in search is too much to ask. (beatrix Muircastle)
If I'm right, beatrix is another SL child; even if I'm wrong, she's not. But the thing is businesses catering to the adult population who want adult activites already do say this--in the images they choose to advertise their businesses with, the names of their businesses, the keywords they type at the bottom of the ads...it's all there, right now, as Search exists. That people think it doesn't is sheerly baffling to me.
Nany Kano weighs in again:
If someone is going to be deprived of the use of this technology, I prefer it be the ones who are offensive rather than the ones who are offended. Let the offenders leave.
Okay, but who decides who's offensive? Who makes those calls? And will they do it right when they do?
Me, personally, I find puritanical bigotry and racism highly offensive; furs dressing up in Nazi gear in world I find offensive; people who buy the records of Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus offend the crap out of me. But I don't believe, personally, I have the right to set them on fire and watch them burn.
Nor should anyone else.
But. Lest we forget...server. Place. It's not our world, not our grid. And even though it is our community, it's not our game. So I suppose the question then becomes, what do the Lindens find offensive? Because we're all going to be trapped in the death spiral of their morality before long, if this goes the way many are beginning to think it will.
17 February, 2009
without you, what's left to believe in?
Heard the last week that Martian Wei's beautiful sim, October Country, was gone. I asked around--because that's one of my favorite places on the grid--and a friend passed me a notecard explaining why.
Martian Wei here.
The October Country has been destroyed.
From anyone else, that would seem absurdly dramatic. But this is Martian Wei. He is a man of few words, a man of silence more than sound, which is all the more surreal because his love in life is audio theatre, old radio broadcasts, live readings of important works. This was the heart of the October Country: the constant audio stream that played readings of the Lord of the Rings, Lights Out, Inner Sanctum, The Price of Fear, Suspense, Dark Venture, Twilight Zone, Flash Gordon, the Shadow...and so, so many more.
I was told tonight that I like to "trample people under my feet". That in essence, I'm not a good person. I was told a lot of things; here are just a few examples.
I was berated because I did not clear it with my staff before I hired a Roleplay person for Innsmouth. I was berated too, if you can believe it, for the Tuesday Picks contest I just implemented. I was condemned for not communicating enough with them, as if Second Life comes before real life, or your family.
All of this, despite the fact that I'M the one paying hundreds of dollars a month to keep the OC afloat. Not them. But like I told them, I've asked them before if they want to pay for the island equally. The answer was NO. But they somehow think that all decisions should be shared equally, I guess.
It may shock and startle people, but sometimes it must be stated as plain and stark fact: if we do not pay the bills, and we are not invited to make the decisions, then we have no voice. Plain and simple. If we do not help to support the dream, we cannot criticize it when it falters. It is not our place. It was not the place of his staff to store up resentments and frustrations like diamond chips, and throw them by handsful at him as soon as they got the opportunity.
These people, instead of coming to me when they had an issue with either real or imagined hurts from me, decided to just talk about me behind my back. People who are supposed to be my friends. I have always believed that if your friend does something that bothers you, you should tell them. That way, you get it out in the open, you both talk about it, and it gets dealt with right away.
This was not done.
Anywhere you went in that sim, you constantly heard voices. Speaking, singing, screaming, crying, laughing. In pain, in fear, in anger. Voices. Voices from the past, whispering to the future.
I tried transporting there, and no luck. I just couldn't believe it, even though I'd read the card, even though I'd had no luck going. I kept trying. For two days.
Nothing. It's just gone.
Instead, they laid months and months of criticisms on me last night. Chief [among] these was that I'm not in SL enough (in the form of "you're never around"). Apparently, dealing with real life is not as important as Second Life is.
Let me be clear. I have a chronic illness, and it's getting worse. I have massive pain constantly. My wife is being stalked. My business is suffering because of the economy and because of my illness. I have a son to raise.
2 of the 3 people criticizing me have no idea what it's like to raise a child. And believe me, until you have a child, you may THINK you know something about it, but you know NOTHING.
One of the larger problems on the grid is the outer world's perception of it as a game. As I've said to people, SL is a game, played with human hearts and minds. Put that way, SL ceases to be in any terms the average game: because there are no quests, no specific goals, no quotas...it's just--life. A different one. A second one, where mistakes can be made, loves and losses can be experienced in full, businesses can succeed, sims can fail...and hard-fought dreams can shatter.
I am NOT perfect. But I have NEVER been confronted with something that I've done and not said "I'm sorry" -- that is, until tonight, when months and months of supposed iniquities were thrown at me at once.
I asked myself, why do these three people think I'm so evil, and the people in my REAL life know that I'm not? Why do the people in my real life look at me as a good person, as someone who helps people? In fact, ego aside, I'm looked at as an EXAMPLE of someone who helps others. The two main "family slogans" that my 6-year-old knows is: (1) NEVER GIVE UP and (2) FIND A WAY TO HELP OR BE KIND TO SOMEONE EVERY DAY.
Yet, these three people don't see me that way.
Why? Because in the real world, if you're going through something and you're quiet, you can communicate in other ways. If you're quiet in Second Life, that's IT. You're a jerk, because you're not talking. Or you're a jerk, because you're not around. SL is limited because you can't smile, you can't pat someone on the back, you can't wave, you can't do a million other things.
After two and a half years, I have figured something out: Second Life attracts drama. I have never been in a place where not being able to communicate with someone gets them so angry. I mean, when I'm online, I get IM after IM. And if I don't answer them ALL, people get PISSED!
It's so disheartening, but I've seen it happen, over and over. One vision, one heart, one spirit...that draws other people. And if those people see the vision truly, feel the dream correctly, it can be a wonder and a dream of a different kind to share the vision.
But if those people share only part of the vision...or share a different vision entirely...then we come to the place where we are berated for doing what we thought was best to save what we loved. By people we thought understood why we tried.
It is the most brutal sort of personal shock to realize that we think one thing about a certain idea, and others think a separate thing, but we thought it was the same thing all along. Normally, people give hints, drop clues, and over time, our understandings can shift and resettle. Not so with the people who say the right words, encourage in the right ways...and then, to us, mystifyingly seem to turn, enraged, because we did not do what they wanted.
When were we to know?
I get burnt out from all the emails in my RL business, all the phone calls, all the IMs in Second Life...etc etc etc. But... somehow, it's all supposedly personal with these three people, they thought.
Well, it wasn't. I'm not good at getting back to people in a timely manner because I've got so much on my plate. Because so many people seem to need me. It's not because I'm mean. It's because I'm tired. I'm so tired. This illness makes me so, so tired all the time. It's all I could do to keep going on this sim.
I really wish that these three people would have just come to me and talked to me. They chose not to. Then tonight, one of the others gave me the dressing-down of my life. When he was done, I just sat in my chair and felt lower than low.
Because all this time, Mr. Wei had a vision. Mr. Wei had a dream. And people gathered, he thought to share that dream. Moreover, it hasn't been easy for him and his wife; forget the mention of stalking, let's talk about the fact that last year, they lost their house. It burned to the ground. And at that point the community came together, donated what they could, told their friends, helped to save the sim.
A year later, and no one wanted to save anything; just accuse Martian Wei.
Can you believe that he even got onto me for the video I made? Of my own island? He said that I should have involved them. On the one hand, they are complaining that they were working too hard, which if I'd known, I would have begged them to stop. But on the other hand, he says I should have had them help with the video. I can't win!
How could he, presented with such opposition? He has people wanting more power. Do they want to pay for the sim? NO, he is told resoundingly. So he makes the decisions for the sim. Because it is HIS SIM.
Let's talk Caledon for a moment. Des is right when he says it's not him, it's all of us--if all of us, every Caledonian, dropped their properties and walked away, Caledon would die, with nary a whimper.
We don't do that because we see the dream, or at least the parts of it we can--and what we see, we support, by and large. That seems to be the important difference. Mr. Wei's people, they weren't so focused on support. They just wanted their wrongs redressed.
Have I ever done anything wrong? You bet. In fact I bet more than most people. Sometimes I get pretty down on myself because I feel I could be better. But no one is perfect. And I will NOT apologize for "lack of communication", because I'm always available through my cell and my email, which these people had access to. I will not apologize for putting my wife and my son first. I will not apologize for having a painful illness.
Did they expect him to keep the sim open, or to transfer more power to them? Likely. Did they want the sim to die? Probably not. Did they ever see that their choices--to berate a man already beset with life difficulties, financial woes, above and beyond our grid--would drive him to swift and decisive action? No.
On another subject, tips have been WAY down lately. I have been very stressed about how to pay for the October Country. Very few people responded to my blog entry about ideas to generate money for the island, so I took that as an omen as well. What happened tonight just kind of seals things.
But they should have. They truly should have. More to the point, they should have known better.
I really appreciate the time I have been able to spend with all of you. All I wanted to do here was to create a place where people could come, hang out, make friends, and listen to the shows I love so much.
That dream is dead.
If I owe you money for the rest of this month on your rental, or for any other reason, please let me know. It is not my desire to cheat anyone out of anything.
I am never coming back to Second Life. If you want to contact me for any reason, you can do so via email at [his email address].
I will miss all of you, and the campfire, very much.
Your friend always,
Martian Wei
I will miss the October Country. It was a magnificent build and always lovely. I never had a single problem at the campfire, and I went there often just to walk and enjoy the evening air.
These are all the pictures I can find currently of my trips through October Country. For those of you who've never seen it, this is but the merest taste of what excellence it was.
But more than missing the sim, more than regretting his decision to close it, all of this is pointing me directly at one inescapable point: none of our actions here lack consequences. We love, we part, we argue, we rage, we protest, we laugh, we weep--whatever we do here, if we do it in the presence of others, then becomes larger than just us; more than just our own concerns.
Because while the world is imaginary...the residents are not. And it is easy, far too easy, to injure those whom the world has already hurt.
Martian Wei is gone. October Country is gone. And one more brilliant, beautiful thing has left the world, never to be seen again.
Martian Wei here.
The October Country has been destroyed.
From anyone else, that would seem absurdly dramatic. But this is Martian Wei. He is a man of few words, a man of silence more than sound, which is all the more surreal because his love in life is audio theatre, old radio broadcasts, live readings of important works. This was the heart of the October Country: the constant audio stream that played readings of the Lord of the Rings, Lights Out, Inner Sanctum, The Price of Fear, Suspense, Dark Venture, Twilight Zone, Flash Gordon, the Shadow...and so, so many more.
I was told tonight that I like to "trample people under my feet". That in essence, I'm not a good person. I was told a lot of things; here are just a few examples.
I was berated because I did not clear it with my staff before I hired a Roleplay person for Innsmouth. I was berated too, if you can believe it, for the Tuesday Picks contest I just implemented. I was condemned for not communicating enough with them, as if Second Life comes before real life, or your family.
All of this, despite the fact that I'M the one paying hundreds of dollars a month to keep the OC afloat. Not them. But like I told them, I've asked them before if they want to pay for the island equally. The answer was NO. But they somehow think that all decisions should be shared equally, I guess.
It may shock and startle people, but sometimes it must be stated as plain and stark fact: if we do not pay the bills, and we are not invited to make the decisions, then we have no voice. Plain and simple. If we do not help to support the dream, we cannot criticize it when it falters. It is not our place. It was not the place of his staff to store up resentments and frustrations like diamond chips, and throw them by handsful at him as soon as they got the opportunity.
These people, instead of coming to me when they had an issue with either real or imagined hurts from me, decided to just talk about me behind my back. People who are supposed to be my friends. I have always believed that if your friend does something that bothers you, you should tell them. That way, you get it out in the open, you both talk about it, and it gets dealt with right away.
This was not done.
Anywhere you went in that sim, you constantly heard voices. Speaking, singing, screaming, crying, laughing. In pain, in fear, in anger. Voices. Voices from the past, whispering to the future.
I tried transporting there, and no luck. I just couldn't believe it, even though I'd read the card, even though I'd had no luck going. I kept trying. For two days.
Nothing. It's just gone.
Instead, they laid months and months of criticisms on me last night. Chief [among] these was that I'm not in SL enough (in the form of "you're never around"). Apparently, dealing with real life is not as important as Second Life is.
Let me be clear. I have a chronic illness, and it's getting worse. I have massive pain constantly. My wife is being stalked. My business is suffering because of the economy and because of my illness. I have a son to raise.
2 of the 3 people criticizing me have no idea what it's like to raise a child. And believe me, until you have a child, you may THINK you know something about it, but you know NOTHING.
One of the larger problems on the grid is the outer world's perception of it as a game. As I've said to people, SL is a game, played with human hearts and minds. Put that way, SL ceases to be in any terms the average game: because there are no quests, no specific goals, no quotas...it's just--life. A different one. A second one, where mistakes can be made, loves and losses can be experienced in full, businesses can succeed, sims can fail...and hard-fought dreams can shatter.
I am NOT perfect. But I have NEVER been confronted with something that I've done and not said "I'm sorry" -- that is, until tonight, when months and months of supposed iniquities were thrown at me at once.
I asked myself, why do these three people think I'm so evil, and the people in my REAL life know that I'm not? Why do the people in my real life look at me as a good person, as someone who helps people? In fact, ego aside, I'm looked at as an EXAMPLE of someone who helps others. The two main "family slogans" that my 6-year-old knows is: (1) NEVER GIVE UP and (2) FIND A WAY TO HELP OR BE KIND TO SOMEONE EVERY DAY.
Yet, these three people don't see me that way.
Why? Because in the real world, if you're going through something and you're quiet, you can communicate in other ways. If you're quiet in Second Life, that's IT. You're a jerk, because you're not talking. Or you're a jerk, because you're not around. SL is limited because you can't smile, you can't pat someone on the back, you can't wave, you can't do a million other things.
After two and a half years, I have figured something out: Second Life attracts drama. I have never been in a place where not being able to communicate with someone gets them so angry. I mean, when I'm online, I get IM after IM. And if I don't answer them ALL, people get PISSED!
It's so disheartening, but I've seen it happen, over and over. One vision, one heart, one spirit...that draws other people. And if those people see the vision truly, feel the dream correctly, it can be a wonder and a dream of a different kind to share the vision.
But if those people share only part of the vision...or share a different vision entirely...then we come to the place where we are berated for doing what we thought was best to save what we loved. By people we thought understood why we tried.
It is the most brutal sort of personal shock to realize that we think one thing about a certain idea, and others think a separate thing, but we thought it was the same thing all along. Normally, people give hints, drop clues, and over time, our understandings can shift and resettle. Not so with the people who say the right words, encourage in the right ways...and then, to us, mystifyingly seem to turn, enraged, because we did not do what they wanted.
When were we to know?
I get burnt out from all the emails in my RL business, all the phone calls, all the IMs in Second Life...etc etc etc. But... somehow, it's all supposedly personal with these three people, they thought.
Well, it wasn't. I'm not good at getting back to people in a timely manner because I've got so much on my plate. Because so many people seem to need me. It's not because I'm mean. It's because I'm tired. I'm so tired. This illness makes me so, so tired all the time. It's all I could do to keep going on this sim.
I really wish that these three people would have just come to me and talked to me. They chose not to. Then tonight, one of the others gave me the dressing-down of my life. When he was done, I just sat in my chair and felt lower than low.
Because all this time, Mr. Wei had a vision. Mr. Wei had a dream. And people gathered, he thought to share that dream. Moreover, it hasn't been easy for him and his wife; forget the mention of stalking, let's talk about the fact that last year, they lost their house. It burned to the ground. And at that point the community came together, donated what they could, told their friends, helped to save the sim.
A year later, and no one wanted to save anything; just accuse Martian Wei.
Can you believe that he even got onto me for the video I made? Of my own island? He said that I should have involved them. On the one hand, they are complaining that they were working too hard, which if I'd known, I would have begged them to stop. But on the other hand, he says I should have had them help with the video. I can't win!
How could he, presented with such opposition? He has people wanting more power. Do they want to pay for the sim? NO, he is told resoundingly. So he makes the decisions for the sim. Because it is HIS SIM.
Let's talk Caledon for a moment. Des is right when he says it's not him, it's all of us--if all of us, every Caledonian, dropped their properties and walked away, Caledon would die, with nary a whimper.
We don't do that because we see the dream, or at least the parts of it we can--and what we see, we support, by and large. That seems to be the important difference. Mr. Wei's people, they weren't so focused on support. They just wanted their wrongs redressed.
Have I ever done anything wrong? You bet. In fact I bet more than most people. Sometimes I get pretty down on myself because I feel I could be better. But no one is perfect. And I will NOT apologize for "lack of communication", because I'm always available through my cell and my email, which these people had access to. I will not apologize for putting my wife and my son first. I will not apologize for having a painful illness.
Did they expect him to keep the sim open, or to transfer more power to them? Likely. Did they want the sim to die? Probably not. Did they ever see that their choices--to berate a man already beset with life difficulties, financial woes, above and beyond our grid--would drive him to swift and decisive action? No.
On another subject, tips have been WAY down lately. I have been very stressed about how to pay for the October Country. Very few people responded to my blog entry about ideas to generate money for the island, so I took that as an omen as well. What happened tonight just kind of seals things.
But they should have. They truly should have. More to the point, they should have known better.
I really appreciate the time I have been able to spend with all of you. All I wanted to do here was to create a place where people could come, hang out, make friends, and listen to the shows I love so much.
That dream is dead.
If I owe you money for the rest of this month on your rental, or for any other reason, please let me know. It is not my desire to cheat anyone out of anything.
I am never coming back to Second Life. If you want to contact me for any reason, you can do so via email at [his email address].
I will miss all of you, and the campfire, very much.
Your friend always,
Martian Wei
I will miss the October Country. It was a magnificent build and always lovely. I never had a single problem at the campfire, and I went there often just to walk and enjoy the evening air.
These are all the pictures I can find currently of my trips through October Country. For those of you who've never seen it, this is but the merest taste of what excellence it was.
But more than missing the sim, more than regretting his decision to close it, all of this is pointing me directly at one inescapable point: none of our actions here lack consequences. We love, we part, we argue, we rage, we protest, we laugh, we weep--whatever we do here, if we do it in the presence of others, then becomes larger than just us; more than just our own concerns.
Because while the world is imaginary...the residents are not. And it is easy, far too easy, to injure those whom the world has already hurt.
Martian Wei is gone. October Country is gone. And one more brilliant, beautiful thing has left the world, never to be seen again.
01 November, 2007
and I hate when things are over, when so much is left undone
And now, for me, the new year begins, and we are in the turbulence of change.
This year I'm listening. I'm giving myself up, letting change take me where it wills me to go.
You might have noticed some slight formatting changes. Background here, might change too. That's not yet been decided...
But the big thing is, I have decided I have a new goal--20,000 items of inventory. Or less.
By the end of November.
I'll let you know how it goes.
The life will be reconstructed. I will not wallow in pain and nostalgia, not as I have. I will go forward and I will endure. And I will change.
Welcome to the dark half of the year.
This year I'm listening. I'm giving myself up, letting change take me where it wills me to go.
You might have noticed some slight formatting changes. Background here, might change too. That's not yet been decided...
But the big thing is, I have decided I have a new goal--20,000 items of inventory. Or less.
By the end of November.
I'll let you know how it goes.
The life will be reconstructed. I will not wallow in pain and nostalgia, not as I have. I will go forward and I will endure. And I will change.
Welcome to the dark half of the year.
30 October, 2007
oh I just want to get at the truth
It feels so familiar. It shouldn't feel so familiar. And all the old doubts surface, when something happens, something that strikes off the tender zones.
Am I a bad person? Am I wrong? Am I to blame? Do I deserve this?
Over and on, over and on, repeat, flinch, return.
Is it me?
But it's not me. This time, last time, I may have done other things, but the things I was accused of...the things that caused the rift...I did not do. I am not responsible for them.
I have to hold fast to that.
We talked tonight, the statue and I, gone as he's been from the grid of late. Gone for far too long, and all of this exploded in his absence, and I tried, I tried to talk of other things.
Not much came to mind other than, jobs to find, work to do, ways to go forward from betrayal.
The possibility exists that we'll have to release the double parcel next to Miss Gallindo's theatre in Caledon Penzance. We can, we will, keep the store--two of the three of us are agreed, and I think we can get agreement from the third. But to have the home in Caledon, the home I've longed for...it may not work.
That's bad, yes, that's bad. But worse...worse by far is the doubt, the unease. Something I did? Something I said? Something I failed to do? Back and circle and round and circle. Is it me?
And I have to keep saying it's not me. It's not me.
Every time I booked someone, it was because my artist, or one who said he speaks with her voice, told me to book them. Every time I did not book someone, every time she had free spaces in her calendar, it was because I was told by that one not to book them.
We were so close to finalizing the agreements with the French artist. I was talking to other artists. I was not a dilettante in this.
It was not me.
But I'm allowed to say nothing. Nothing in my own defense. It's just over, and that's it. And it all feels so familiar...
Am I a bad person? Am I wrong? Am I to blame? Do I deserve this?
Over and on, over and on, repeat, flinch, return.
Is it me?
But it's not me. This time, last time, I may have done other things, but the things I was accused of...the things that caused the rift...I did not do. I am not responsible for them.
I have to hold fast to that.
We talked tonight, the statue and I, gone as he's been from the grid of late. Gone for far too long, and all of this exploded in his absence, and I tried, I tried to talk of other things.
Not much came to mind other than, jobs to find, work to do, ways to go forward from betrayal.
The possibility exists that we'll have to release the double parcel next to Miss Gallindo's theatre in Caledon Penzance. We can, we will, keep the store--two of the three of us are agreed, and I think we can get agreement from the third. But to have the home in Caledon, the home I've longed for...it may not work.
That's bad, yes, that's bad. But worse...worse by far is the doubt, the unease. Something I did? Something I said? Something I failed to do? Back and circle and round and circle. Is it me?
And I have to keep saying it's not me. It's not me.
Every time I booked someone, it was because my artist, or one who said he speaks with her voice, told me to book them. Every time I did not book someone, every time she had free spaces in her calendar, it was because I was told by that one not to book them.
We were so close to finalizing the agreements with the French artist. I was talking to other artists. I was not a dilettante in this.
It was not me.
But I'm allowed to say nothing. Nothing in my own defense. It's just over, and that's it. And it all feels so familiar...
28 October, 2007
everything is stunted and lost
Exit one Emilly Orr, with minimal fanfare. I no longer manage Altered Gallery.
The frustrating thing is, I don't know why.
But I must accept it, and soldier on, and now--because, damn it, I am not giving up the dream of Caledon, not this damnably CLOSE--I must find a new source of income, and drastically quickly.
Well, if all else fails, I'm reasonably sure Maximilian would hire me back for Dorian's. And...I do know an escort service that's hiring, if things get dire.
I will make it through this, I will make enough for rent, and the land fee payment has already been arranged.
Potentially, it will mean never shopping again in the foreseeable future...but I can learn how to make shoes if I have to, and truly, at this point? I don't need any more clothes.
Disagreeable way to start the day, though...
The frustrating thing is, I don't know why.
But I must accept it, and soldier on, and now--because, damn it, I am not giving up the dream of Caledon, not this damnably CLOSE--I must find a new source of income, and drastically quickly.
Well, if all else fails, I'm reasonably sure Maximilian would hire me back for Dorian's. And...I do know an escort service that's hiring, if things get dire.
I will make it through this, I will make enough for rent, and the land fee payment has already been arranged.
Potentially, it will mean never shopping again in the foreseeable future...but I can learn how to make shoes if I have to, and truly, at this point? I don't need any more clothes.
Disagreeable way to start the day, though...
07 March, 2007
sleight of hand and twist of fate
In my last moments before leaving, my hand still reaching out for the half-Tiefling, new in my wake...in the last moments of experience before vanishing into the limbo of in-between again, gone from my world and my ways...he speaks to me.
"Stop feeling this way," he says. Not the Tiefling. The other in my orbit. "Stop feeling this way." It rings within me as I sink into the grey spaces, gone for another few days of non-reality. The thing is, I think he means it. And all my gods stand as witnesses to this--I don't know how to stop. And I don't know what to think.
"Stop feeling this way." This way...this particular way...which way? The message was unclear. And I couldn't spare the time to explore it, not then. Stop feeling? Is that what he meant? Is that where I need to halt, not move forward, not feel anything else? Un-experience. Un-feel. Un-do any damage I've done...if I've done any...and how do I do this?
I float in grey limbo, waiting, always waiting. This whole long week, waiting in the chamber of ennui. Giving me far too much time to think.
"Stop feeling this way." Stop feeling? But as much as I'm a creature of logic, flawed as mine is at times, I'm a creature of emotion, passion, directed feeling. I can't not feel this way in this place. I can't not feel. All my choices have led me to the place where the risk of feeling outweighs the need for protection. I won't easily change...because I forced the change in the beginning of this, feeling it necessary. As much heartbreak as it's brought me, it's brought me greater joy, and right now, I need that. Joy and pain, laughter and sighs, anger and confusion, all the rich pageantry of emotion I've fought so hard to experience...I need that. I need it.
But what does he want of me? Does he want me not to care for him? I do. I think I started to care for him the first night we seriously talked, as I watched the building go up around us, plank by plank, beam by beam, nearly watched the nails go in...I can't not, at this point. Does he want me not to feel for him? I do. I think that also started to happen from that first night. Does he want me not to love him?
Love, ah, well...I've been doing my level best not to love him. Mayhap that's part of the problem. I see no difficulty in love that cannot, will not, be returned. Mayhap it's too much effort on my part not to love. Mayhap it's what gets me in the end, love and loss, heartbreak and separation, train wrecks and all.
And even with that, I feel--I feel--I take nothing from him, by what I feel, by how I care, by what I choose. My feelings are my own. I demand little. I would not dream of taking him from his life, his love, his choices. It's his life--I'm interfering only to the extent he allows. The minute he says no--the minute any of them say no--though it tears new holes in me, I'm away, I'm gone, I'm not a part of him, of them, longer.
Save in the shadows of my own heart, where all those who've left me, leave a little behind. Think...portraits, mayhap, if it helps to make sense of it. Strung out in uneven procession, hidden away in a gallery where the windows are draped in heavy dark cloth.
Some of those faces now are so hung with shadows I can no longer make out distinct features. Some are still brightly lit. Some are fading day by day, even the frames their portraits are in evaporating into shadowglow, their vibrancy dimming, their relevance escaping me.
I try not to visit often.
I am used to privation, deprivation, long soul's suffering, abandonment and pain. These are my guideposts in all the landscapes I walk. These are the signs I trust. I get nervous when things go well, when there aren't complications, when everything is smooth and joyous. I look for the thorn on the rose. I look for the acid in the sweet.
Mayhap we've reached one of my signposts, then. "Stop feeling this way." Stop feeling this way for him? Or stop feeling at all?
And all I can say is...I'll try. I think I'll fail. But I'll try still. Because he's asked me. I will always, ever, do everything I can to give the ones I care for what they want.
Even if what they want isn't me.
"Stop feeling this way"...I wish the request had translated better. Mayhap, the first thing I need to do, is verify what he meant at all, before I try to accede to those wishes.
It wouldn't be the first time impulsive action on my part sped the downfall of a relationship. And I misdoubt it will be the last.
And stop, stop feeling, stop caring, stop...everything? Brings us to detachment. Which has never been my strong suit. And if it's being asked of me now...it will be hard, so hard. Mayhap...too hard.
Mayhap I need to detach anyway.
"Stop feeling this way."
I'll try.
"Stop feeling this way," he says. Not the Tiefling. The other in my orbit. "Stop feeling this way." It rings within me as I sink into the grey spaces, gone for another few days of non-reality. The thing is, I think he means it. And all my gods stand as witnesses to this--I don't know how to stop. And I don't know what to think.
"Stop feeling this way." This way...this particular way...which way? The message was unclear. And I couldn't spare the time to explore it, not then. Stop feeling? Is that what he meant? Is that where I need to halt, not move forward, not feel anything else? Un-experience. Un-feel. Un-do any damage I've done...if I've done any...and how do I do this?
I float in grey limbo, waiting, always waiting. This whole long week, waiting in the chamber of ennui. Giving me far too much time to think.
"Stop feeling this way." Stop feeling? But as much as I'm a creature of logic, flawed as mine is at times, I'm a creature of emotion, passion, directed feeling. I can't not feel this way in this place. I can't not feel. All my choices have led me to the place where the risk of feeling outweighs the need for protection. I won't easily change...because I forced the change in the beginning of this, feeling it necessary. As much heartbreak as it's brought me, it's brought me greater joy, and right now, I need that. Joy and pain, laughter and sighs, anger and confusion, all the rich pageantry of emotion I've fought so hard to experience...I need that. I need it.
But what does he want of me? Does he want me not to care for him? I do. I think I started to care for him the first night we seriously talked, as I watched the building go up around us, plank by plank, beam by beam, nearly watched the nails go in...I can't not, at this point. Does he want me not to feel for him? I do. I think that also started to happen from that first night. Does he want me not to love him?
Love, ah, well...I've been doing my level best not to love him. Mayhap that's part of the problem. I see no difficulty in love that cannot, will not, be returned. Mayhap it's too much effort on my part not to love. Mayhap it's what gets me in the end, love and loss, heartbreak and separation, train wrecks and all.
And even with that, I feel--I feel--I take nothing from him, by what I feel, by how I care, by what I choose. My feelings are my own. I demand little. I would not dream of taking him from his life, his love, his choices. It's his life--I'm interfering only to the extent he allows. The minute he says no--the minute any of them say no--though it tears new holes in me, I'm away, I'm gone, I'm not a part of him, of them, longer.
Save in the shadows of my own heart, where all those who've left me, leave a little behind. Think...portraits, mayhap, if it helps to make sense of it. Strung out in uneven procession, hidden away in a gallery where the windows are draped in heavy dark cloth.
Some of those faces now are so hung with shadows I can no longer make out distinct features. Some are still brightly lit. Some are fading day by day, even the frames their portraits are in evaporating into shadowglow, their vibrancy dimming, their relevance escaping me.
I try not to visit often.
I am used to privation, deprivation, long soul's suffering, abandonment and pain. These are my guideposts in all the landscapes I walk. These are the signs I trust. I get nervous when things go well, when there aren't complications, when everything is smooth and joyous. I look for the thorn on the rose. I look for the acid in the sweet.
Mayhap we've reached one of my signposts, then. "Stop feeling this way." Stop feeling this way for him? Or stop feeling at all?
And all I can say is...I'll try. I think I'll fail. But I'll try still. Because he's asked me. I will always, ever, do everything I can to give the ones I care for what they want.
Even if what they want isn't me.
"Stop feeling this way"...I wish the request had translated better. Mayhap, the first thing I need to do, is verify what he meant at all, before I try to accede to those wishes.
It wouldn't be the first time impulsive action on my part sped the downfall of a relationship. And I misdoubt it will be the last.
And stop, stop feeling, stop caring, stop...everything? Brings us to detachment. Which has never been my strong suit. And if it's being asked of me now...it will be hard, so hard. Mayhap...too hard.
Mayhap I need to detach anyway.
"Stop feeling this way."
I'll try.
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it's just your shadow on the floor
(This section was written on July 11th...) Great. Sat myself down today after oversleeping, and told myself sternly I was not going to log...
