we're lost 'til we learn how to ask, so please, please just ask (part II)

We continue from part I, with part II, and Aby in midair. And we'll start introducing the story in sections (sadly, grabbed from the web, not the exact version Zack read in voice):

[13:49] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): oh!
[13:49] Saazerac (saazerac.atheria) marvels at Aby "oooh"
[13:49] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) smiles happily at the wings

The Tale of the Cowherd and Weaver Girl

A young cowherd named Niulang (Chinese: 牛郎; pinyin: niú láng; literally "[the] cowherd"), came across seven fairy sisters bathing in a lake. Encouraged by his mischievous companion the ox, he stole their clothes and waited to see what would happen. The fairy sisters elected the youngest and most beautiful sister Zhinü (simplified Chinese: 织女; traditional Chinese: 織女; pinyin: zhī nǚ; literally "[the] weaver girl", the star Vega) to retrieve their clothing. She agreed to do so, but since Niulang had seen her naked, she agreed to his request for marriage.

[13:49] Kaneha 金葉 (kaneha) gasps in awe
[13:50] Varahi Lusch: hard life!!
[13:51] Varahi Lusch: sees the river appear!

She proved to be a wonderful wife, and Niulang to be a good husband. They lived happily and had two children. But the Goddess of Heaven (or in some versions, Zhinü's mother) found out that Zhinü, a fairy girl, had married a mere mortal. The Goddess was furious and ordered Zhinü to return to heaven. (Alternatively, the Goddess forced the fairy back to her former duty of weaving colorful clouds, a task she neglected while living on earth with a mortal.)

[13:51] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): beautiful
[13:52] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst) smiles warmly at dharma and invites him to sit on the grass with her.
[13:52] Varahi Lusch: beams at the heavenly being sure to visit our humble Earth!
[13:53] Varahi Lusch: oooooh

[13:54] Varahi Lusch: cool water after a long journey!
[13:54] Eddie (edwardmccooper): oh yes
[13:54] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas) wide eyes beams.. and reaches out to grasp
[13:54] Eddie (edwardmccooper): and I think that this is a kind of story party
[13:54] Varahi Lusch: O.O
[13:54] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): It is.
[13:55] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas) beams

On Earth, Niulang was very upset that his wife had disappeared. Suddenly, his ox began to talk, telling him that if he killed it and put on its hide, he would be able to go up to Heaven to find his wife. Crying bitterly, he killed the ox, put on the skin, and carried his two beloved children off to Heaven to find Zhinü. The Goddess discovered this and was very angry. Taking out her hairpin, the Goddess scratched a wide river in the sky to separate the two lovers forever, thus forming the Milky Way between Altair and Vega.

[13:55] Zeta (zeta.blackheart): Blackmail ;)
[13:55] Varahi Lusch: a Chinese tale!
[13:56] Beta 1465: summons a yinglet to cuddle and enjoy the show with
[13:56] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): uh oh
[13:56] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Do we have a yinglet?
[13:56] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst): awwwww
[13:56] Varahi Lusch: ah! a short time together!
[13:56] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst) wipes her eyes.
[13:56] Sammy (samantha1492): Well that sucked
[13:56] Zeta (zeta.blackheart): They had 2 children, *and* they were happy. Definitely a fable.
[13:56] Sammy (samantha1492): Whoops... sorry!
[13:57] Zeta (zeta.blackheart) giggles "Wrong window, Mine?"
[13:57] Varahi Lusch: s'ok Sammy... it kinda does
[13:57] Varahi Lusch: :D
[13:57] Varahi Lusch: beams at cowherd going the extra mile!
[13:57] Varahi Lusch giggles

[13:58] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): awww
[13:58] Khaing Zar (raigann): Oh! I know this legend
[13:58] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas): ^^
[13:58] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas): :))
[13:58] Varahi Lusch: ya magic Empress :D

Zhinü must sit forever on one side of the river, sadly weaving on her loom, while Niulang watches her from afar and takes care of their two children (his flanking stars β and γ Aquilae or by their Chinese names Hè Gu 1 and Hè Gu 3).

[13:58] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas) walks up the bride with wide eyes opening his arms

But once a year all the magpies in the world would take pity on them and fly up into heaven to form a bridge (鵲橋, "the bridge of magpies", Que Qiao) over the star Deneb in the Cygnus constellation so the lovers may be together for a single night, which is the seventh night of the seventh moon.

[13:58] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): once a year better than never
[13:59] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild) grins
[13:59] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst) applauds wildly!
[13:59] Varahi Lusch: awwwwww
[13:59] Sammy (samantha1492): I gotta fly, Love y'all, I'm proud of ya Abs, you're beautiful and the show is wonderful. Bye Xoco and friends, have a great time!
[13:59] Varahi Lusch claps her hands
[13:59] Beta 1465 claps
[13:59] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild) claps happily
[13:59] ڰۣۜღ αsɦ ڰۣۜღ (genieluvs) whispers: Beautiful
[13:59] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Tragedy with a sweet ending.
[13:59] Swoan Dipoa (dipoa) waves
[13:59] Kaneha 金葉 (kaneha) applauds
[13:59] Zeta (zeta.blackheart): Later, Mine! *kiss*
[13:59] Varahi Lusch rises and claps!
[13:59] Lexus Melodie: wonderful
[13:59] Catori Mistwalker: lovely enactment : )

[13:59] Lexus Melodie: ★ (`'·.¸(`'·.¸ * ¸.·'´)¸.·'´) ★ A*P*P*L*A*U*S*E !!! ★ (`'·.¸(`'·.¸ * ¸.·'´)¸.·'´) ★
[13:59] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): well done!
[13:59] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas) bows respectfully
[13:59] Tevor Zenovka: a beautiful story and a love performance

[13:59] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): Bows in respect to you
[13:59] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) applauds
[13:59] Varahi Lusch: so important to continue to tell these tales of love!
[13:59] Khaing Zar (raigann): waves to Sammy
[14:00] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst): marvelous, aby!
[14:00] Khaing Zar (raigann): Beautiful, Aby
[14:00] Lightweaver Balan: lovely
[14:00] Elizabeth (ellybot): Was great
[14:00] ڰۣۜღ αsɦ ڰۣۜღ (genieluvs): Amazing! that was dreamy!
[14:00] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): thank you so much Gos and Zack!! ME APPLAUDS!!
[14:01] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst): wonderful acting, tong ti!
[14:01] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): Lexus!! I am so happy you are with us :DDD
[14:01] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas): Yay.. tunes.. marshmallows?
[14:01] Varahi Lusch: smiles proudly at her new Companion!
[14:01] Lexus Melodie: Aby ♥ that was beautiful congratulations
[14:02] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): but before we want to have Varahi'S words?
[14:02] Varahi Lusch: hehe i will speak a lil
[14:02] Varahi Lusch: come on stage with me aby
[14:02] Varahi Lusch: ne? And then Lexie Melodie performed live for the crowd. She has a lovely voice.

[14:07] Kaneha 金葉 (kaneha): To Aby! Gan bei!
[14:08] Zeta (zeta.blackheart): Ayahue!
[14:08] Varahi Lusch: and now to music... which communicates muchly where direct speech cannot ne?
[14:08] Tevor Zenovka: To Aby! May your path be beautiful and inspiring!
[14:08] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): I may thank you all, especially Sa, Tong Ti and Zack and of course Lady Varahi but also Khaing Chieftess of the Xoco - they all helped me to make that party happen...
[14:08] Varahi Lusch jogs aby's elbow and grins

All in all, a lovely, laid-back, peaceful event, one, I think, very reflective of the Companion Aby will be. I'm learning that the Wo Men Dai, the announcement of the end of a Companion's training, and her or his official festival of registration, is only guided partially by Guild tradition--mostly, it's formed of what the Companion in question wishes to share with the world of their heart, their understanding, their wisdom, and their gifts.

I'm looking forward to more of these.

we're lost 'til we learn how to ask, so please, please just ask (part I)

This one sort of has to be not anonymous, considering it's a capture from Aby's Wo Men Dai:

[13:43] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): I want to welcome Lady Varahi, Khaing Queen of the Xoco and all my guests for this to me so very important evening
[13:43] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): thank you so much for coming tonight
[13:43] Varahi Lusch nods at Priestess Hai Wan
[13:44] Varahi Lusch: beams with affection at Companion Ti Qi

This will likely need to be separated into two parts, but this part, at least, will feature the dancing while the tale was being told.

[13:44] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): we will show you a story like a chinese Valentines Day, Cowherd and Weaver Girl
[13:44] Sammy (samantha1492) Watches the performance mesmerized by the performers, her eyes fixed on her friend as she dances so beautifully


And they began the dance onstage, and retold the tale, which technically happened in voice, so not captured here.

[13:44] Aby Tî Qí (aby.kiyori): Zack will tell us the tale and Gos and me dance it
[13:44] Khaing Zar (raigann): waves to Frugal, Sammy and Zeta
[13:44] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild): Grace and beauty is so much needed in these times
[13:45] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild) sighs happily
[13:45] Varahi Lusch: woot!
[13:45] Lightweaver Balan: or any times

It was a fan dance, but as I am learning, there are as many varieties (on the grid and off) as there are places where they were danced.

[13:45] Sammy (samantha1492): Waves back to Chieftess Khaing, respectfully of course
[13:45] Tóng Tǐ 统体 (goswamitulsidas) sways his fans loosing his feet in dance to the music
[13:45] Swoan Dipoa (dipoa) looks at the dance, enjoying the company
[13:46] Lilith (silviagarcia): smile

They spun and twirled, fans moving in unison, steps precise.

[13:46] Zack Alexander Starbinder (bluedragoneye88) folds his fans and gets to the koto
[13:46] Aqua Aura Firecaster - Hai Wan (nerthuschild) applauds!
[13:46] Sammy (samantha1492): Claps

The backdrop was beautiful, glittery purple cut-outs of the star-crossed lovers.

[13:46] Lexus Melodie: ★ (`'·.¸(`'·.¸ * ¸.·'´)¸.·'´) ★ A*P*P*L*A*U*S*E !!! ★ (`'·.¸(`'·.¸ * ¸.·'´)¸.·'´) ★
[13:46] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) applauds!
[13:46] Kaneha 金葉 (kaneha) applauds

And up again, moving as a unit, the music accompaniment plantive and beautiful.

[13:46] Justine (justinejohndory.amethyst): hurrah!
[13:46] Zeta (zeta.blackheart): (¸¸.•´ ¯¨•.¸¸ Applause ¸¸.•¨¯`•.¸¸)
[13:46] Varahi Lusch: 干杯 Gān bēi! (Cheers!)

Tong, playing the cowherd, pulled off to one side of the stage, and Zack knelt by the koto, beginning his telling of the tale.

[13:46] Lister McMillan: ~!~!~!~! Applause !~!~!~!~
[13:46] Elizabeth (ellybot) claps
[13:46] Deebs (deebrane.string): Heyyyyyyyaaaaaahhhh!

And then Aby rose into the air on rose-sunset wings...

[13:46] ڰۣۜღ αsɦ ڰۣۜღ (genieluvs) wolf whistles!
[13:46] Saazerac (saazerac.atheria) claps wildly

And the rest will be continued in part the second.

but you weren't happy the day I watched you go

(Note from the Editrix: Because these are mounting, sadly, I'm going to start generally indicating when they were written, as opposed to published. This one was written on the 27th of July, from pictures taken on the 23rd.)

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
~Roald Dahl


I miss you, baby
like a shadow in the night

This pond is far too small for this snek. Flat out. Also, there's apparently a shark. This is cruelty to sealife!



every time you walk around
you know my feet don't touch the ground
when you try to take my hand
I know one day you'll understand

So there's probably things to go bang still, it's always the way. But the heavy work, the attempts to smooth the jagged edges and getting cut on the fractures, I think that's winding down. I'm still processing, but...we've either hit a plateau, so I can rest for a bit, or all the angst has run its course.



I don't want the sun to shine
because I know that you're not mine
don't want no light to shine on me
across my eyes, I don't want to see

Of course, the end result of that is, someone expects a decision on a question, and...I'm not ready yet. Or maybe I haven't made the decision yet. Or...can't live with the one that seems obvious. Not sure. Still turning the concepts, checking all the angles. Because I could be right, or very wrong here, and whichever way it goes, I want to be able to take responsibility for it.



I miss you, baby
like a shadow in the night
I wonder maybe
is it worth another fight?

It's no good reaching a decision point, then denying it five minutes later. And especially with this...as much as I hate it, as much as I tend to use swords on the Gordian knots of major life changes, this may be one time that additional time won't hurt.

Or...will hurt less in the long run. A little pain now, to spare some pain later? If possible? Yeah, might be worth taking the time.



every day you question me
about how it's gonna be
and I can't find the words to say
that it shouldn't be okay

But it's leaving me at loose ends, a bit. I think the picture runs started with a solid purpose, helping me process paired with just getting me out of standing in place at home, staring in horror at the walls. And I won't lie, it's been fascinating plugging random words into search and seeing what pops up, and going there. I've found some places I want to return to, which is better than I expected, and only a couple of them are Adult sims, so that's even more entertaining.



wish I'll wander on my own
like when I'm feeling so alone
I only want you by my side
I need your arms to hold me tight

And yet, still, I'm doing this once or twice a day, picture runs, sim runs, then opening Gimp to edit them into frames...it's all diversion, and diversion is good, but we don't need to live in this space anymore. I don't even know when these entries are going to stop, even, I have some saved until the first few days of August, so...it seems like a lot is yet to come, and that's a bit worrying.

(Especially as this is going to post after everything else, I think...)



I miss you, baby
I miss you, baby
I miss you, baby...

So what are we left with? Well, I'm no longer being haunted by lighthouses in almost every sim, that's something. I'm now finding crossroads signs. This may be the next bit of poking from the universe, and I already know the meaning, because...yeah, in a very real way, I'm there now.

And I want to go the right way. I need to go the right way. So I may be here a while...

(Pictures taken at Bedtime Story Indoctrination Camp, MYTHOS, Mythical City of Cathal, Raven's Shadow, Bourbon Street and Nevgilde Gaard. Lyrics from Jarek Laaser's I Miss You Babe, and if they're wrong, that's on me, because I couldn't find lyrics to this song on the net, so I had to transcribe them from the video.)

I know right now you can't tell

This has more potential than I want to admit. (And yes, NSFW. Pretty, but NSFW.)



all day staring at the ceiling
making friends with shadows on my wall
all night hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
because tomorrow might be good for something

So, what have I learned on the other side of all this intensity? One thing I knew already--I tend to only properly know a thing (or, more precisely, know that I know a thing) if I say it or write it down. Now, this doesn't paint me in the most favorable light, as it presupposes a great deal of unconsciousness about the whole procedure, if not sublime indifference. I can only say I'm not indifferent...but I may well be profoundly unconscious at times.

But some things at the end of the journey have become inescapable. First, I was right when I told the current that this was not the Grand Epic Love of my life, though there's more than a touch of Romeo and Juliet (or Hamlet and Ophelia if you prefer, though neither comparison is perfectly apt) to everything. But...and yeah, I circled around this one a lot to make sure I was right, and hadn't just gotten waylaid by disaster magnetics...it looks like love was there. Not deep, yet, not abiding, per se, but...there. If I had to put a name to it, it's one of the on-the-way stages. It's less of that first, heady rush of infatuation, and not yet the deep comfort of the lived-in love, but--I had begun to care, and care deeply. I care still. I don't think I've given my heart a reason not to care, so...that will likely continue. (And continue to be annoying.)



hold on
feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
and I don't know why

It's another core truth of me--unless there's a whole lot of damage on the other end, I tend not to fall out of love. I think that's one reason I fight falling in love so much, because I know I'm likely to keep being there, even if the other party leaves, or I do.

The flip side of that is, I think the one that laid down the separation in the first place took it as dismissal when I told him that. So, now I have to figure out how I correct that, because first, I didn't mean to be dismissive, just honest, and second, it might have made it easier for him to declare it was done, over, no more.



but I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me

I'm not a robot. I can't just switch off being a thing, feeling a thing. It's not on and humming, then *click* and null state. I can try to learn, I can try to integrate, I can try to find the balance after the change of state, but...that's always more of a long-term thing. (Do I say that thinking the ban will be reversed? No. But the attempt at understanding is always worthwhile.)

The second thing...and this is another one where I backed up and looked at it from multiple angles...is that, at least right now, I am very willing to cheat. And understand, that's not typical, traditional infidelity I'm discussing, here--I'm in a polyamorous relationship in both worlds, that's not going to change, so by some of those traditional definitions, I'm already cheating. No, it's more...hmm. Maybe an example will help.



I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be...me

One of my first major relationships in SL was with someone who was chronically unable to be faithful, on multiple levels. Being poly, being in an open marriage RL besides, I never got irked that he was seeing other people, whether he told me or not. I had only a theoretical understanding of jealousy anyway, so I had blithely convinced myself for years that I just didn't get jealous.

This fellow proved me wrong. This fellow taught me about jealousy in spades, and how it's based entirely in the fear of loss, and the hurt of potential loss, and the anger at feeling hurt in general. Suddenly, after years of not getting it, I got it. I did not want to get it..but without a doubt, I UNDERSTOOD.



I'm talking to myself in public
dodging glances on the train

Similarly, I've always had a theoretical understanding of infidelity. My brain keeps tracking back to, why bother going behind someone's back? Why not just talk to them, explain the situation? Moreover, why get in that situation in the first place? Communication is valid, communication is essential, communication will solve these issues more easily than cheating and hurting everyone involved.

Another lightning bolt from the universe, gee, thanks--I get why people cheat now. (I have a thick skull, it's bound to happen, but I have the right to be cranky about it.) It still comes down to the lines of communication being broken, or at least severely bent; of being unhappy in one place so we find another; of falling out of love, even, with the first love.



and I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
out of all the hours thinking
somehow, I've lost my mind

I'm not out of love, in the least. I'm not abidingly unhappy, though I did have some distress for longer than I should have, and yes, that does come down to my not communicating that to those I care for. That's on me, as I said in the beginning. And it doesn't factor in to anything that happened before now, because that was known, that was open, that was fine.

It's the from here part that concerns me. Because I could easily see justifying things--to myself, if not to anyone else. "One kiss won't hurt, friends kiss...a cuddle won't hurt, friends cuddle...Maybe sex isn't that bad, it doesn't have to mean anything..."

Yeah. Like that.



but I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

Because--well, there's a lot of reasons, but the main one is me. I can have sex with anyone, casual acquaintance or not, and if I had fun, I have no issues doing it again. But once I care...once I care, even if I do everything I can not to string along anyone else, the strings are there on my side. Once I care, I care, damn it. So, yes, yes it does, because it can't not, at that point. Sex with someone I care for means more--it just does. And even caring is not the proverbial straw for the camel in this case--it would be sleeping with him again. Those are the terms. I can be his friend, I have been told. He's fine with me being friends. He's not fine with me having sex with that other bruised heart again.

And I do not get to convince myself he's wrong; he's entitled to his feelings. And, this is key, I do not get to talk myself into this because it won't hurt other people. Because it will do that as well.

And I'm not saying anything's happened. By some quirk of timing, we really haven't spent that much time together, in person, so....

What I'm saying is, it could. At least, it could were I not surrounded by adults. I'm the one playing the petulant child in this. Which is galling on all the levels.



I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how I used to be

So, this leaves me in a quandary. Not an unsolvable one, by any means, but it's definitely there. I like myself a little less, I have that self-knowledge now. I'm irked that I let everything get off-track so stunningly in the first place, because if I'd just stopped for even a goddamn second and thought things through, I would have talked to people, and maybe this entire thing wouldn't have happened. And I'm utterly miserable that I've hurt people beyond just me with everything. (I get to hurt me, is the internal bargain, as long as I don't hurt anyone else. I'm not important; others are. See how easy the justifying begins?)

I think...it's going to come down to very careful pathing at this point. There's still going to be some excavation, it's unavoidable--but it's now more vital, as any shred of justification I find in me has to be stamped out. Or at least, I have to sit myself down and talk very sternly to my hormones, because this is the nature of things: physically, there's no issue; mentally, there's only a few more issues; but emotionally, oh dear gods, that is a set of depth charges potentially big enough to level an island.

I do not want to be leveled. But more importantly, I don't want anyone I care for to be leveled.



I've been talking in my sleep
pretty soon they'll come to get me
yeah, they're taking me away

And ultimately, if I'm careful, if I'm aware (that's always a tricky one), and if I'm open (which yes, is also tricky, considering), then...I get through this. They get through this. No one dies.

At least...I think. I mean, there's no guarantees, but I am sincerely hoping that's how it works.

Anything else is...unworthy of them, imbalanced of me, and unconscionable in any case. It's just...going to take a lot of work. A LOT of work. And much of it work I really don't want to do in the first place, but...really, what's new? I thought it was time to pull the train above water, so I did, but apparently that was just so it could burn. Rust is fire in slow motion, after all, but...this doesn't feel slow.

It does feel permanent, though. I guess I'll get used to it, eventually. It's not like I have another choice...Still have to keep the train moving, after all. And it's far too soon to go off the tracks again.

(Pictures taken at the Moya Hospital, K Group's Orthopedic Hospital, Lost Haven, Lost Mesa, Hambone Slough, Finian's Dream, Eris Isle, Castaway Haven, SPELL, Bay City's Rainy Alley, Memorial of the Lost, Cocoon and DewXon. Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell".)

I can't stand what I'm starting to be

slow dancin' on the boulevard
in the quiet moments while the city's still dark
sleepwalkin' through the summer rain

There may be gaps still, here and there, but I think I'm closing in on the issues. It's taken a while.



in the tired spaces you could hear her name
when she was, warm and tender and you
held her arms around you
there was nothin' but her love and affection
she was crazy for you
now she's part of somethin' that you lost

Still in the spin cycle. Still in the storm. Working through the generalized malaise and the specific despondency. It'll pass eventually, or...it won't, but either way, I'll deal with it.



and for all you know, this could be
the difference between what you need
and what you wanna be
yeah, what you wanna be

That's one of the questions I'm wrestling--what I want, versus what I need. Which is closer to what I think is best, versus which is closer to what actually is best, my own petty concerns pushed aside. Which is more important for me? (Don't bother answering that either, I know already. I'm just not happy with the answer.)



night swimmin' in her diamond dress
making small circles move across the surface
stand watchin' from the steady shore

The other question I'm wrestling--what's better long term, versus what's better right now? And believe me, there's a lot of arguments going on internally about the short term benefits, versus the long term, and what's least likely to get me in trouble?

(With the expected childish aside of, and can I sneak past the restrictions this time? Don't bother, again, that answer I already know too.)



Feelin' wide open and waitin' for
somethin' warm and tender
now she's movin' further from you
there was nothin' that could make it easy on you
every step you take reminds you that she's walkin' on

Which could fit both of us. Maybe all three, who knows? I'm too close to the eye of the storm to see past the whipping leaves.



every word you never said
echoes down your empty hallway
and everything that was your world
just came down

All I know now concretely, is I was wrong. I have to accept that. I don't want to accept that; who does? But it's necessary.



day breakin' on the boulevard
feel the sun warmin' up your second-hand heart
light swimmin' right across your face and you think
maybe someday, yeah, maybe someday

I'm saying 'necessary' a lot, I'm seeing. Not 'what will make me happy', not 'what will help me', not 'what will make everyone feel better'--no, just...what's necessary. Both 'what gets me through this, now, with a minimum of collateral damage', and 'what gets me through all the tomorrows to come without losing everything'.



yeah, for all you know
for all you know
this is what you wanna be
girl, what you wanna be

Because, ultimately--and I've said this before--I had the life so very nearly balanced. Work, play, love, support--everything was so close to being in place.

Then...this. And everything else spiraled out of control along with it. Work is a nightmare, I don't want to play anymore, I have love that doesn't precisely help, and support that feels more like crucifixion than stabilization. Yay me.

But we keep going on regardless. Fall down, stagger back up again, find fuel along the way. Keep the engine burning. It's in the nature of a life direction, after all.

(Pictures taken at Vespertine, Talina Shara, Hauntings @ Old Town W, The Church Fetishwear, Unnatural and Angel Dust. Dreamstone, Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's The Difference.)

I bet you're hard to get over

yes, it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
and I forget the rest of me

It's hard living life on the surface of the skin, so it's really no surprise I jump back into old patterns given half the chance. The struggle is to remain open, remain flexible, remain adaptive. Remain vulnerable. It's something of a delicate mental state.



yes, there's times I've been afraid
and there's no harm in that I pray

What's the end goal? Life experience that leads to learning, not hiding. Emotional states that are more fully developed, not reactionary. I don't always succeed; after all, I'm trying this great experiment as a very flawed being. There are bound to be failures in thought, in reaching out, in perceptions, along the way.



'cause I'm more frightened everyday
someone will take the hope I have away

but you gotta give up
to get off sometimes...
you gotta give up
to get get off sometimes, I know

All right, fine, my choices occasionally hurt me, deeply, but what's the alternative? Pulling back. Building up the fortress walls. Never reaching out. That way lies ossification, stagnation, the end of personal growth. Growth is never easy. Understanding is a constant struggle. There will be pain.



all the times I've given in
(one by one by)
you fit me like a second skin
(one by one by)
and one by one I will begin
to wear you on the days I'm feeling thin

That is the thing I'm struggling against hardest. To put it in a certain way, my sword and shield should be one person, specifically, not another. Or, slightly rephrased--I can't use the fellow I'm struggling to sort out my feelings about in the first place, as refuge to buffer those feelings. That's not only recursive, but dangerous.



but you gotta give up
to get off sometimes--

Of course, that occasionally leaves me stranded between the fellow who cautiously yearns, and the fellow that says everything will work out, and for once, I'm not sure the latter's position is emotionally honest. There is still trust. Don't get me wrong. But there's that undercurrent of no safe harbor, and...is that part of it? No safety, I have to learn how to walk the tightrope without the net?

Is that ever viable?

(I forgot to list the sims I hit for the last two entries, but here it was the Escapades sim, Azshra the Convergence, Wildwood Gardens, Fox Grove, and Salt Water. Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's song "Stop".)

I'll settle down and deal with old regrets

step out the front door like a ghost into a fog
where no one notices the contrast of white on white
in between the moon and you, the angels get a better view
of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

I'm seeing a future now that's not completely on fire. This is...good? The problem is, I'm seeing a lot of fog on the path ahead. It may be hiding more than one path, so...I guess I get to be very, very careful again as I go.



well, I walk in the air between the rain
through myself and back again
where? I don't know

I'm doing my best not to judge reactions, here, because again, it would be very easy to kick myself and rant, or to tsk and shake my head. And it's not like I haven't done that before--"OMG, you're wallowing in this again." "WHY do you keep doing this to yourself?" "Get a grip, honestly." Or, my personal favorite, from a long time back (and someone else entirely): "You're despondent over a demon who left you to go find himself, and he came back gay. Of COURSE you're not going to marry him now. Get. Over. It."

Though that is still the one and only time in SL I ever agreed to partner someone. Guess it left a mark.



round here, we always stand up straight
round here, something radiates

Not so much just hearing the song, but every time I watch the video itself, I always think the singer looks so sarcastic singing that first line. Is he? Is it just my interpretation? It's amusing either way.

But that's always been the dichotomy of etiquette.



Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
she said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
and she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

I've done that. More in text than in person, but I've done that in person, too--make sure to place my feet very carefully, make no sudden moves, lest I disturb the fragility of that given situation. It's always nerve-wracking.



she parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off
says she's close to understanding Jesus
and she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Who doesn't? But what's 'normal', anyway? Rita Mae Brown once said, "Normal is the average of deviance". While I think there's truth to be found there, I'm more of the opinion these days that there is no "normal"--only a presupposition of it. No one is normal. Everyone's just doing the best they can.



You'd think I'd be used to this by now.

round here, we're carving out our names
round here, we all look the same
round here, we talk just like lions but we sacrifice like lambs
round here, she's slipping though my hands

And one way or another, everyone leaves, and if it's not them, it will be you. Distraction, disturbance, death--it will be something. The only constants in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity--everything else is in flux.

Adapt or die.



sleeping children better run like the wind
out of the lightning dream
mama's little baby better get herself in
out of the lightning

I could get out of the storm. It wouldn't be hard. But I learn more out in the ozone air.

Sure, there's greater risk, but...if it's not important enough to risk anything, why bother?



she says, "It's only in my head"
she says, "shh, I know it's only in my head"
but the girl on the car in the parking lot
says, "man, you should try to take a shot
can't you see my walls are crumbling?"

I have also learned, that although every patch of destruction feels like the end of all things, a lot of the time that's just what it takes to break down structures long solidified. Raze the foundations no longer needed, pour in new ones, build walls of new ideas, new concepts. Keep the change going. Recognize there will be another detonation at some point, if we lose our paths again.

It's bound to happen.



then she looks up at the building
and says she's thinking of jumping
she says she's tired of life
she must be tired of something

Now, to be fair, there's no one in my social circle, at least on the other side of the screen, who hasn't had a little suicidal ideation now and again, but then, those are my friends, not yours. Maybe other people aren't driven towards melancholy. Maybe other people don't casually discuss what antidepressants work around a campfire. It doesn't strike me as that unusual, though, because it's always been part of the life. Even the abnormal can feel everyday if you never know what that so-termed 'normal' is in the first place.

Which, in itself, may be part of the problem.

I also attribute a lot of those kinds of conversations to the follies of youth, where everyday reality stung the surface of our skin.



round here, she's always on my mind
round here, hey man, got lots of time
round here, we're never sent to bed early
man, nobody makes us wait
round here we stay up very, very, very, very late--

It must be said, sleep and I have never been the closest of companions. Of late, though, with help, I have something resembling a sleep schedule now. Does it interfere with the socializing I used to do in the wee hours? Of course. Do I mind that it does? Not anymore, because it's better for me to actually sleep, even though it took me a long time to accept that.

Of course, ever since the two-weeks-that-became-two-days, I've been waking up between three and five every night. About half the time I get back to sleep. The other half, I get up, and find extremely tedious tasks on the comp, so I'll bore myself back to tired. I don't mind the getting up as much as I mind not knowing the why. It's not nightmares, specifically; it's not even dreams, at least, no dreams that occur consistently enough between three and five ayem. It's just--*BAM*, no transition, suddenly awake.

I'll figure it out in time.



I, I can't see nothin', nothin' round here
you catch me if I'm falling, you catch me if I'm falling
will you catch me? 'cause I'm fallin' down on you

Of course, it doesn't help that the spiders are back. It doesn't help that nightmares have kicked up, which should be welcome diversion from my insistent brain trying to talk me into fever dreams, but...aren't, quite. It doesn't help that the ones I love sternly tell me to go back to sleep, as if that's something that can be had with the wording of it. My dears, I would if I could, but...something. There's...something.

Oh. Maybe that's it. There's something.

(Lyrics taken from Counting Crows' "Round Here.)