and you better start swimmin', or you'll sink like a stone

for the times they are a-changin'...

Yeah. Sometimes it do be like that.

come gather ’round, people
wherever you roam
and admit that the waters
around you have grown...

August 28th, 2023, fell on a Monday, at least in the northern hemisphere. Monday was also family dinner at the mansion. The family knew it was the anniversary. It was...an uneven night, not unsurprisingly. How does one celebrate having an unending tension headache for a full solar year?

I'm the one on the end with the moths.

and accept it that soon
you’ll be drenched to the bone
if your time to you is worth savin’...

Dinner also featured a spritely vintage from Darkmere, and I was grateful for it.

I think even virtual wine goes to my head occasionally. I wasn't exactly effervescent, but I did seem more...open is not the word? Fluid, mayhap. Confessional. Something.

the line, it is drawn
the curse, it is cast
the slow one now
will later be fast

So, it's been a year, and what have we learned? I beyond the glass may have Celiac's, and if not, then a fairly unstable version of gluten intolerance. No one knows why the headache persists. Half my doctors are treating me as if I am diabetic, and the other half aren't--and meanwhile, my pursuit for a diagnosis of SOME kind keeps driving off the cliff, the latest being my (new resident) doctor's confidence in the latest A1C being "fine" (even with some other symptoms and readings in other tests).

Let's not forget that in the course of one month (with blood tests at either end) I went from some issues we needed to work on to HOLY FARKING DUCKLINGS YOU HAVE THIRD-STAGE KIDNEY DISEASE...which, by the way, disappeared with the next blood test...



Oh, and my neurologist's officially thrown me away, because there's "nothing neurological" she can fix. But if I develop something...something that's not migraines, headache, nerve pain, and a kicky little tremor, apparently...she says I should feel free to call her.

Sure. Let me just make a note about that....how does the 32nd of February next year work for you?

But that...admittedly, adapting to that led to some very dark days.

Witness this was supposed to be shot, and framed, and written, and posted, on the 28th...and I slipped a couple days due to sudden depression slogging through the mire.

as the present now
will later be past
the order is rapidly fadin'...

Stone-home truth, here: I started wondering what was the point. Now, no one call in wellness checks, guys, I am not in danger, believe me. But there was some staring into the abyss, namely...Should I still keep counting? Should I stop? If I stop, what do I replace it with? If I keep counting, when does it become another obsession? When do I get to pick up the threads of my life and get back to reality, fractured as it was?

And the deep, midnight-in-sealed-crypts dark question: is this the new baseline, and I just have to suck it up from here?

So, yeah. Took a couple days to catch up with everything.

and the first one now
will later be last
for the times they are a-changin'...

If nothing else, I have the garden. It keeps me occupied when I have spare non-hurty time. I stay in touch with friends and loves as I can. It's not a terrible life. I may have to ask Aiko where she gets her running-in-circles animation from, because I bet it would be mad frenetic on a Dinkie.

I will admit, it is a struggle some days NOT to go huge (like, giant thorn vines huge, mysterious earth portals that fling folks in a random direction huge), but so far I'm constraining things. I'm working on changing out all the no-copy flora (and the non-seasonal flora), so it will be easier to change from season to season...

...because WHY YES I have noticed the lack of seasons on the land and I miss it, and that, at least, I can start pushing out in Tannhauser and Gearhaven.

For the rest of it...well, I am a very stubborn muffin. I may be bruised, battered, staggering and broken, and it may take me longer to stand up...but I intend to keep standing up for some time yet. This weekend I may spend more time with the offworld partners, and idly make new things out of old things while we watch the next episode of Mentopolis on Dropout. (I am still convinced that Hank Green is just playing himself in that season...or, at least, Hank Green if he was bright red, in a weird 40s noir mystery, and of his hands were bigger than his head...but otherwise, yeah, that's my working theory.)

And life will move on, as is the way of such things. And I'll get back to product reviews soon, because I do like them, first, and second, for baffling reasons they haven't slapped my wrist for going past some event times, so if nothing else, they're building up unswerving brand loyalty from me. It helps that I adore Grim and Mesmer to death, too, it must be said.

But now it's late, and it's been a long day, some of it spent dashing between transport and clinic doors with ice-cold rain in between, so I suppose this is as 'done' as it gets, right now. G'night.

oh, the monsters, they ain't just inside my head

So...it's been some time since I updated. I would like to say, I've been thrillingly occupied with a fascinating new development RL that is taking the whole of my attention, but...while it does involve new developments in RL matters, they are developments I neither wanted nor asked for.



I'm fairly sure I've missed at least one offering each from /Vae Victis\ and Arkivet when they were at those particular events, go me. And I so want to say, well, it was a drop in productivity, but that's done now, so let's GOOOOO...but I'm trying to be a realist in this. At Day 218 of the Eternal Headache, and coming up on three full weeks with the new horror, it is safe to say the Em no longer functions.

I'll do what I can, y'all. Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled whatever.

so tied up, we've been here before

(Considering I've been up since three, and it's now nine...I will try and be in world later, but that may not work...

(In the meantime, it's dangerous out there, take this with you.)

nobody said it was easy

(Note from the Editrix: obviously, now, this is one of the entries that was written before the one posted on the 21st. Just FYI.)



come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
tell you I need you
tell you I set you apart

Time to think is helping. The overthinking, not so much, but...I am doing my best to just be, and get out of my own way in this. It's not my best trait.



tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh, let's go back to the start

It is helping, immeasurably, that I'm with people who are rolling with the punches far better than I am. It is helping me adapt, and return to that place of reliance and confidence.

running in circles
coming up tails
heads on a science apart

It's not helping the initial flinching fear to go away. That constant sense of waiting for the piano to fall.

What if this is the time one of them freaks out? What if this is the time one of them makes it worse? What if one of them is going to make another proclamation that's even more restrictive? What if this time I make ANOTHER mistake and EVERYTHING falls apart? What if--



nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part

I am beyond talented at dooming my future before I've ever lived it. It's not as facile a skill as it used to be--now, it takes me about five minutes to go from fine to utter destruction. It used to take me less than sixty seconds from 'here' to 'ball of radioactive glass'. As strange as this sounds, giving myself those five minutes before I figure we're all going to die is an improvement.

no one ever said it would be this hard
oh, take me back to the start

It also doesn't help that I'm a natural born pessimist, if not a dyed-in-the-wool nihilist. And, as far as that goes? Whoever said that if we expect the worst, we're never disappointed was wrong--I am frequently disappointed, even though the very worst didn't happen, because one or other of the stages before utter devastation was nearly as bad.



I was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling the puzzles apart

But...they know I'm a spiky fractured ball of issues. They know I bear the lion's share of the mistake in the first place, and they know why, and they accept. That is...an amazing balm on several still-unhealed spiritual wounds, you...you don't even know. I don't have the words, beyond that I am deeply, humbly grateful that I didn't destroy everything, that things didn't go to that ball of radioactive glass stage I so feared. They know that I caused the rift in the first place--but they're giving me the space needed to come back from it, and they are confident enough, secure enough, to admit they both bear a portion of the blame too. Responsibility all around, and how often does that happen?



questions of science
science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart

Something even more astounding I learned tonight--I don't think I specifically mentioned, but this other heart, he's partnered. To one of the sweetest souls on the grid. And...she knows. She knows what happened, she knows how bad it got, and...she cares, too.

I don't know how I lucked into these marvelous, amazing people in my life.



tell me you love me
come back and haunt me--

I do know I finally found a coffeehouse with a decent-size cup of coffee.

running in circles
chasing our tails
coming back as we are

But, beyond that, I think I can relax back from DefCon 1. There's still work to do, there are still conversations to be had, there is still mending to be done, but...I think I can do it now.

I may still make mistakes, but I'm not viewing that, now, as an agonizing thing, just...human.



nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard

Which is something I've been practicing for decades, but still feel I'm not that great at? Maybe everyone thinks that from time to time, though.



oh, and I rush to the start--
I'm going back to the start...

Maybe that's okay.

After all...if everyone's making it up as they go along...I don't feel quite so alone in all the flailing.

And when all else fails...return to Go. You won't always get the windfall every time, but you'll at least look back and know you made it around the board one more time.

That's not nothing. And some years, some months, some days...that's all we need.

(Pictures taken at the Ancient Ruins of Emerald Bay, Dove Goddess Romance Park, Brampton Island, Portals Coffee Shop and the Vintage Village in Verdigris. Lyrics are from Coldplay's The Scientist.)

I want you the right way

yeah, I can see it now
the distant red neon shivered in the heat
I was feeling like a stranger in a strange land
you know, where people play games with the night
god, it was too hot to sleep

Another day, more self-reflection. It's becoming a theme. But I did make it through without a major inciting incident, so that's a plus. And it's still in the nature of a lifeline--the people I trust, trust me. Flip side of that is I'm still not always sure I trust me, but--they do. And if they do, they have to have a reason. So, above and beyond how untrustworthy I feel, I have support that I'm worth their trust.

I can work from there, if from nowhere else.

I followed the sound of a jukebox coming from up the levee
all of a sudden, I could hear somebody whistling from right behind me
I turned around, and she said
"why do you always end up down at Nick's Cafe?"
I said, "Uh, I don't know, the wind just kinda pushed me this way"
she said, "Hang the rich"

Of course, everything's still very much up in the air. Sexual tension ramping up to a fever pitch, at least for me, and for the other two, they are currently in no place to do anything about it, so...I'm going to have to figure out something (relatively) safe to do, because the old outlets won't precisely work, either. Though I am becoming very tempted to freelance.



catch the blue train
places never been before
look for me
somewhere down the crazy river
(somewhere down the crazy river)

So, patchwork. And patch work. Shoring up the breaks in the structure, though thankfully there weren't as many as feared. Momentary lapse of everything, but back to moving. Fairly sure the tinder box still holds bones...but we'll deal with that when it's time to deal with that.

ooh, catch the blue train
all the way to Kokomo
you can find me
somewhere down the crazy river
(somewhere down the crazy river)

We're back to steady state, more or less.

take a picture of this
the fields are empty, abandoned '59 Chevy
laying in the back seat listening to Little Willie John
yeah, that's when time stood still
you know, I think I'm gonna go down to Madam X
and let her read my mind
she said, "That voodoo stuff don't do nothing for me"

We make our choices, we roll the dice, we try to do what's right--at least for us--along the way. Every single person is just making it up as they go along; some are just better at playing the game than others.

No one knows the future, not even the people who do, because the future can always, always change. And ofttimes more suddenly than we thought possible.



I'm a man with a clear destination
I'm a man with a broad imagination
you fog the mind, you stir the soul
I can't find no control

That is the current issue, yes. Finding that tricky balance between loss of all control, and too controlled to inhale properly, and holding the center point. Now, I have always tended towards over-controlled, the unconscious spasms and stumbling notwithstanding, and it has been a constant effort just to get myself to let go once in a while.

I think I'd reached a place where that was possible, even if only occasionally, but now...I have to find that place again. The path I took the last time no longer exists.



catch the blue train
places never been before
look for me
somewhere down the crazy river
(somewhere down the crazy river)

Names change, ideas change, places change, maps reconfigure. It happens. Granted, usually it's more or less imperceptible, and not something starting out as one thing, one idea, one shade of reality, and ending up something else entirely, but I've had that happen too. It's not unknown.

ooh, catch the blue train
all the way to Kokomo
you can find me
somewhere down the crazy river
(somewhere down the crazy river)

It's more mercurial than I like my reality, but I don't get to choose. The future shifts, the past erases, the present restores--everything's in motion, in flux, and I'm just learning to float. Too much chance of undertow to swim. Will dog-paddling be okay?



wait, did you hear that?
oh, this is sure stirring up some ghosts for me
she said, "There's one thing you gotta learn
is not to be afraid of it"
I said, "No, I like it, I like it, it's good"
she said, "You like it now
but you'll learn to love it later"

I'm frequently afraid of things. Mostly things in me, patches of damage, locked doors in the backbrain, the things in boxes I don't dare unpack right now. All the shadows in all the corners. They've always been there, though, or at least as long as I can remember.

Which does speak to a dark personal history that goes back some distance, and you would not be wrong, and that's all I'm saying here. I've come to terms with enough of it to function. That's really all I need until something else goes bang.



I been spellbound
falling in trances
I been spellbound
falling in trances
you give me the shivers
chills and fever

And sure, all of this? It touched on a lot of old issues. Some things I thought I'd resolved, some things I clearly hadn't, but I'm taking them in order when I can. Occasionally several issues attack at once, but that's hardly unusual either.

you give me the shivers
you give me the shivers
I been spellbound
I been spellbound
I been spellbound
(somewhere down the crazy river)
somewhere down the crazy river

It just hasn't happened for a while.

But one way or another, I get through this. No new (visible) scars, stopped that long ago. No life-threatening episodes, though there was, and may still be, more of personal recklessness in this than I maybe want, long-term. I'll eventually stop throwing myself off of cliffs to see if I can fly.

Though sometimes I have, so, y'know, girl's gotta try.

(Pictures taken at Lucifer's Lounge in Hell, Ostoja, Quicksand Cove and Salt Beach. Lyrics are Robbie Robertson's Somewhere Down the Crazy River.)

all is good and nothingness is dead

wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
if I could go back
would you have ever been with me?

I live a lot in the past. I hang a lot on 'should'. Neither is particular effective, supportive, or at all helpful. That's known, but--so far, at least--unchanging.



I want you to be unused
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side

And I'm staring at the sign across the way that asks, What if all this didn't happen? Oh, I don't mean at all, I mean, in conversations with another involved in all this, it was mentioned he should have cut things off the first time there was a spastic disconnect in understanding.



come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
here and now, give all that's within you
be my savior
and I'll be your downfall

And my answer was--after this week or so of thinking, poking at trauma new and old, trying to figure myself out from the inside of the cage--that I wouldn't want to have lost the months in between, because--even a tentative almost-now, could-be-more-later? Is better in my eyes than just--nothing, *poof,* over and done.



here we go again
ashamed of being broken in
we're getting off track
I wanna get you back again

And he nodded. Because...that was his point. I'm hurting more now, he thinks, because he didn't step in back then and call a halt to things. That all of this could have been avoidable if he'd just said, Right, you're done, you're never seeing him again the first time.



I want you to trouble me
I wanted you to linger
I want you to agree with me
I want so much so bad

And...I mean, maybe? I told him I'm too close to it to tell, still, but--part of me scoffs and says it would have happened anyway--my heart goes where it will, not where I'd necessarily choose to go--but the other part isn't sure. Because he did allow things to still happen. He did make the choice that he thought that other hand learned from the first schism, or at least learned enough to move forward with me safely.

And now I can't help factoring that in to the end analysis of what's happening now.



come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
here and now, give all that's within you
be my savior
and I'll be your downfall

So...on the one hand, sure. Rationally, I wouldn't have this flinching away, I wouldn't have this trembling, I wouldn't have the soft, constant swaddling of anguish over everything. Would I have been better off? Would I have been happier?



yeah, be my savior
(only love can save us now)
(don't lay me down)
(only love can save us now)

And as I said, I'm still too close to tell. And it's consigned to the territory of should anyway, because--things are not going to miraculously go back and alter at this point.



now I'm back on my own
hear my feet, they're made of stone
man, I make you go where I go
well hell, you, can I take you home
well, I'm coming home on my back
kissing me, your lips painted black


I am beginning to make peace with things. I am beginning to adapt. It would be nice if other parts of the life weren't so haywire--the world burning to the ground, the employment in acid stasis--but I really can't do anything about any of that right now. Not even this current situation. I can't fix it, I can only try to understand it, and hope I'm reaching the right conclusions, and adapt to the sea changes as I find them.

There's too much salt in my system, too much desert in my eyes, but I'm not sinking to the ocean floor again. No, if I'm going to be up here, I'm going to be present, and relearn how to breathe, relearn how to walk instead of swim. No more hiding.

No more disconnection.

(Pictures taken on JAMBO, Fallen Angel, Kingsport, The Docklands at Bay City, Leafminer, BAE Bean Coffee, the FeverZone, the House of the Spirits, and Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's "Downfall".)

when the whole thing drops, you lose your nerve; I hope you get what you deserve

Well, this doesn't fill me with confidence. (This article on New World Notes filled in some of the details, but is still not thrilling me.)

And past Linden Lab's internal difficulties, if you're around people who are asking why they need to wear masks, drop one of seventy scientific papers on them. May not convince them, but they will look more foolish claiming the science isn't there.



you're on your own
in a world you've grown

Yeah, I know. Still in the mists. What's new?



few more years to go
don't let the hurdle fall
so be the girl you loved
be the girl you loved

And the storm still rages outside. It probably will until I can view everything dispassionately. And that, my dears, may take a very long time.



I'll wait
so show me why you’re strong
ignore everybody else
we're alone now
I'll wait

So, what's the point of dissection, anyway? It's supposed to teach us things about how that thing operates. All I seem to be learning is why things hurt. That's not the best lesson, right now, I already know there's pain. I just haven't figured out how to best heal it.



suddenly I'm hit
it's the starkness of the dawn

At least the alligators don't need to be fed right now. I spent most of the first months of quarantine feeding my brain horror films. And I am (slightly) reassured that last night, I didn't wake up gasping from nightmares.

The down side of that is, I didn't wake up from any particularly...pleasant...dreams, either, but then...right now those are sort of a multi-edged sword anyway. Some part of me wants them, wants to cling to the past and relieve every detail, and the rest of me is just glad I get the occasional reprieve.



and your friends are gone
and your friends won't come

And no amount of prayer to any form of deity staves off self-knowledge. It only delays it. The reckoning is coming.



so show me where you fit
show me where you fit

And I still don't know. I want there to be a nice, neat, easily detached box to fit this in. Something I can set aside on a shelf and move on with the life. Nothing about this is neat, though. It's messy and painful and confusing and constricting and, I can admit this now, desperately unwanted...but it's what we have.

For whatever value that has.

(Pictures taken at Bitterwick Harbor, Sooden Store, Final Refuge and Innsmouth. Lyrics from James Blake's "Retrograde".)

and I'm always one step from stalling

People frequently underestimate how simply seeing something can change us. Take what's going on at Lindy's right now.



Is proper social distancing important for SL? No, of course not. Does seeing signs to encourage social distancing (or seeing avatars wearing masks, there's another good example) help us right now? Absolutely, both to impress that it's okay, as well as normalizing these things.



the light from the window is fading
you turn on the night
the sound from the avenues callin' you
open your eyes and when you find
you're spending your time wanting for words

I'm rarely at a loss for words. Technically, I'm not at a loss for words now, precisely, it's more...some of the things that want to be expressed, I don't want to say.



you never speak, you tell yourself
that the things you need come slow
but inside, you just don't know

I rarely know my plans, my direction, occasionally my reasons...And no one ever said you couldn't lie to yourself, but at least currently, I'm trying not to. I'm trying to downplay any hopes. I'm just concentrating on now, and hoping then will take care of itself.

In time.



my my my, let your bright light shine
let your words live on far beyond this life
hold on to anything, everything's over and done
has the fear taken over you?

Sometimes I wonder. I have been so fearful of the situation I'm in that it made me unable, even unwilling to move. I'm not unwilling to move, this time out, I'm just waiting until a signpost appears in the mist.



tell me, is that what you want, to make up your life?
time after time, you're falling behind
hold on to me and never leave
forever be what you mean to me right now
don't you feel better now?

By the same extension, I don't want to be coddled either. That whole, cheer up, things will get better encouragement never really flew with me. In life, there are ups and downs, valleys and peaks, it's well known. And I already know there are better days ahead, if only because I'm not dead yet. But I am also trying not to minimize here. Because here is real. Here will teach me things, if I pause and listen. Pain, after all, is a warning sign, and if we don't heed the warning, what good is it?



so when you find
you're spending your time wanting for words
but never speak, you tell yourself
that the things you need come slow
but inside, you just don't know

I'm used to playing Diogenes at the crossroads, at least without the confrontation. I will allow I possess nearly as much cynicism, but our times tend to encourage it. And there are times where holding the lamp aloft is very tiring. But if it doesn't bring me wisdom, at the least it brings a light to my path, and some days, that's really all that matters.



my my my, let you down sometimes
well, my my my
pay with the cost of living
this life

Nearly always.

In the end, I'm left with what I'm always left with--confusion, the struggle to understand, the eternal struggle to process. It's made more difficult this time around by uncertainty, and it's far past time I embrace the uncertainty and make my peace with it. Which can be a struggle in itself, but hey...as far as I know, I've got time.

(Lyrics taken from "My My My" from Rob Thomas.)

there are so many poor people that didn't have no place to go

I suppose something like this had to happen at some point.

And this aphoristic truth from a random profile:

A tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.
Alts you play with destroy all thats good in any relationship.

As I, and others, have learned to our detriment, when unknowingly playing with alts.

From that same profile:

It didn’t take long to figure out that these are real people. They live, love, laugh and explore possibilities. They hurt, they cry. Dreams are realized, hearts are won, and some are broken. Some come to escape. Most just want to belong. Everything happens in warp speed (SLOW IT DOWN). We make great friends, some who we keep forever, and some who disappear. Second Life is not about winning the race, its about who you bring along for the journey.
And I am so tired of seeing "RL and SL are separate, so don't..."

You spend real time here
You have real emotions here
You interact with real people here.
SL is a part of your real life.
If you believe they are separate, you're only fooling yourself

So many people talk about separating RL and SL. But unless you are schizophrenic, your feelings are the same no matter what life you are in. Own them and quit lying to yourself.

It's a fair point. Most of use are still human, after all.

Meanwhile...a capture of chat relevant to current affairs.

[21:03] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It's one of those years, I think
[21:03] Emilly Orr nods.
[21:04] Emilly Orr: I'm seeing a ton of people posting pictures of explosions with quotes saying "2020 has to be better, right?"
[21:06] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I'm convinced there needs to be more optimism in the news
[21:06] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Someone just saying "it's serious, but..we've got this"
[21:06] Emilly Orr: But do we?
[21:07] Emilly Orr: Trump just said this will be a success if "only 200,000 die".
[21:07] Emilly Orr: South Korea identified the virus in-country the same day we did. They had 158 deaths total.
[21:07] Emilly Orr: We do NOT have this.

And it's getting worse by the day. The small glimmers of hope here and there are drowned out by the tonnage of horrible news, which is becoming ingrained in our current reality.

[21:08] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: we've got this means...we're not all going to die, this isn't the end of the world.
[21:08] Emilly Orr: If we do manage to get through this year reasonably intact, it will be due to the medical professionals, the scientists, and the people who stayed home, and not at ALL the government who's supposed to know what's going on.
[21:09] Emilly Orr: Well, fair, but a significant number will die. Again, we're still at least a week out of the peak deaths of this, if not longer? And New York City will pass 9/11 deaths at the end of this coming week, if not sooner, is the prediction.
[21:09] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods
[21:09] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: people will die.

And people have died. More since I grabbed this to post, even.

[21:09] Emilly Orr nods
[21:10] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: And the world will go on. Some of them were going to, no matter what. Some of them could have been saved.
[21:10] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: But...there's an end to the tunnel.
[21:10] Emilly Orr: But when, is the thing. The task force has already extended the stay-at-home advisory to Aprille 30th.
[21:12] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods "To be fair though, that's a good idea
[21:12] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: more time to figure things out
[21:12] Emilly Orr nods
[21:12] Emilly Orr: Which will be a good thing, I hope.
[21:13] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: well, hopefully we'll see a vaccine next year. And , better testing.

That is the hope. The FDA is grasping at straws at this point, but vaccines are being worked on.

[21:14] Emilly Orr nods.
[21:14] Emilly Orr: They are hoping for a vaccine by 2021
[21:14] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It's going to be ok *smiles
[21:14] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Well..these things take time, in best of circumstances.
[21:15] Emilly Orr leans in, but shrugs.
[21:15] Emilly Orr: Intellectually, I know you're right. But this particular virus says "I hate you personally" to me.
[21:15] Emilly Orr: So...it's hard not to sound dire.

It goes with the territory, after all. The lass behind the keys has weak lungs, after all. So yes, it does feel like there's a very bright, very fresh red target on my forehead.

[21:16] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods
[21:16] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It's not all roses.
[21:16] Emilly Orr nods.
[21:19] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I think my problem..
[21:19] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: it's..on one side you have trump saying "it's all fine, open things up"
[21:19] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: and on the other, the news going "everyone's dying!!! millions!!! we could all die!!"
[21:19] Emilly Orr: But, y'know, my life hasn't substantially changed is the weird thing. I'm still (mostly) a homebody. We didn't go out to eat this month, we didn't go see a movie, is about the only big difference. The girls are shopping a bit less, but still going out.
[21:19] Emilly Orr nods
[21:20] Emilly Orr: I try to find the center point in what I retweet, articles that are actually solid info, but to be fair, there have been a lot of "We're all in a straw boat and Trump's loading in gasoline and matches" essays, too, because...that's pretty much been his entire presidency. "Burn it to the ground."
[21:21] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I'm wondering about Biden, it's almost that I think he is going to get nominated in the primaries, then bow out for someone no one voted for.

Which would be very odd. Is it unprecedented? I don't know. I am trying to figure out why the Democratic National Committee thought Biden was the best option. It's "don't rock the boat" behavior in spades.

[21:22] Emilly Orr: Yeah, his behavior is odd. Meanwhile, people are demanding that Bernie get out of the race, when for the most part, he's turned his attention back to saying medical care for all is important, and by the way, can we stop violating contracts with native Americans?
[21:24] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: well..he and aoc stood up and denounced the stimulus bill
[21:24] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: then voted for it
[21:25] Emilly Orr: Yeah. Which...I guess they felt they had to? Just to get SOMETHING passed?

Though the longer that goes on, the more bad things we discover people voted in.

[21:25] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: There are things going around of aoc angrily denouncing it, it would have been a good showing if she didn't then go vote for it.
[21:25] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: If it's as bad as they were saying?
[21:25] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I'm not sure you could
[21:26] Emilly Orr: Well, it obviously puts us into a staggering amount of debt, which we will be decades paying down, if that early, and even with that, it doesn't go far enough, so it may well be as bad as they were saying.
[21:28] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: well..mostly it's the lack of oversight on where the money is going, and who allocates it, too
[21:28] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: and the concern that it's more of a bail out for larger corporations, rather than the average people.
[21:28] Emilly Orr: Which is what it's sounding like it is, actually.
[21:28] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: the analogy was basically..
[21:28] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: you give one person all the money,
[21:29] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: then , kick everyone out of their home..bring the home prices way down, but the only one who has money is the one with the purse strings..
[21:29] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: they buy everything.
[21:29] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: And then the prices go back up.

Pretty much. With a thick layer of "you don't get to ask me questions" from Trump, along the way.

[21:30] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I don't think they limited what the companies being bailed out could use the funds for either..
[21:30] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: so..it could all go to the ceo's paychecks, basically.
[21:30] Emilly Orr: And we've seen it before, and how bad it is, and likely Congress did too, and passed it anyway.
[21:30] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods
[21:31] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: so we circle back to...was it something that they should have denounced then said "I guess we have to vote for it"
[21:31] Emilly Orr: Probably. Remember, this was the third proposal. The first two were hammered out and pretty much dismissed when the Reps got back from vacation.
[21:31] Emilly Orr: At least one of those wasn't awful.
[21:32] Emilly Orr: Then the mostly Republican proposal came in for the third slot, and at that point, nearly everyone was hearing screaming from their consitituents. "JUST PASS SOMETHING!"
[21:35] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: If one is never really going to fight you, would you really come to the table honestly?
[21:36] Emilly Orr: I'd like to think if you cared, you would, and be willing to compromise instead of saying 'this or nothing', but I also know that's pretty naive at this point.
[21:36] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: So..there's a conversation..
[21:37] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: people might say.."there's no difference between the parties"
[21:37] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: and then, on the other side..I know people who vehemently denounce that as "if you can't tell the difference between the two you're stupid"
[21:37] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I think it's more..with one, you get a trickle of progressive things..the environmental..the like.
[21:38] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: So..there is a superficial difference, with deepening hues.
[21:38] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: But..on the basic things..there isn't
[21:38] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: neither party is working on healthcare properly, neither wants to end the wars, neither wants to rebuild the crumbling infrastructure..fix the education system.

Meanwhile, anyone who actually proposes educational reform, jail reform, health care for all, is drummed out derisively for being a "socialist", which...I mean, that's just so laughable. Do the same people bleating about socialism with certain names even know what they're saying? Do they realize we've been a socialist democracy for decades now?

[21:38] Emilly Orr: I'd agree with that. I'd say, one side's gone rigid and inflexible, because they perceive the power on their side, and have for years now, and the other's big on hand-wringing, too.
[21:38] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It's not even hand wringing, they actively refuse to.
[21:39] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: People like biden, and clinton, the big names..they aren't.
[21:39] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: They're actively saying "[s**t] no, we can't do that. We won't do that"
[21:39] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: what the hell?
[21:39] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: really?
[21:39] Emilly Orr: What did we elect them for?
[21:40] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: We went in one election cycle from "yes we can" to..."yea..no...you're just going to have to settle for second best and like it"
[21:41] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It's not even saying that both parties are the same..it's acknowledging that yes, you might get some nice toys ..but...they're not really the ones you need.
[21:41] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: So you never really make the leaps forward that we can.
[21:42] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Because you're constantly settling for knock offs.
[21:42] Emilly Orr: We could be doing great things. We could be feeding the world's hungry. We could be in space. Heck, the projection models tell us we were ready to actually live full-time on Mars ten years ago.
[21:43] Emilly Orr: But we're not. Because everything that's a big, challenging project gets redirected into military spending, or corporate pockets, and we stagnate.
[21:43] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: we could have college education.
[21:43] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: right now.
[21:43] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: easy

We could. If we prioritized an intelligent society over easily misled sheep who were never taught how to critically evaluate.

[21:44] Emilly Orr: Right.
[21:44] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: the healthcare, a little tougher.
[21:44] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: but..we could do that too.
[21:44] Emilly Orr: True, because there's a lot of different ideas on how best that should go.
[21:45] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: the free education is a big one...keep the standards, not everyone is going to harvard, or even going..but..give people who have the will, and the skill a chance to do it.
[21:45] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Bolster the trades.
[21:45] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Bolster job placement programs.
[21:45] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Fix the high school education to better prepare people for the world.
[21:46] Emilly Orr: We desperately need to do that. There's no excuse to expect everyone to want to spend eight years in higher education. And we need tradesmen as much as we need lawyers and doctors.
[21:47] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: part of it is...there's an expectation in any job that you come in with a degree
[21:47] Emilly Orr: But also, the debt at this point is crushing. Whereas, for all the folks who say "well, who's going to pay for it then?", while the short term answer is 'we are', the longer term answer is 'everyone including the ones going to college for free', because...everyone benefits from a strong educational system.
[21:47] Emilly Orr nods.
[21:48] Emilly Orr: The old joke about the fellow who went for eight years on an English Literature degree, and got his masters, just so he can ask "Wouldst thou like fries with that?"
[21:49] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: there's something where we need to respect people going into non stem fields, too.
[21:49] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: I hate hearing how useless art and history, and english are.
[21:51] Emilly Orr: Yeah. Art and music, especially, they're vital. History and literature studies, okay, they might be on the useless side if you're not tracking to be a professor at some point, or write books on the topic? But there's still nothing wrong with that.
[21:54] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: Someone has to write books.
[21:54] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: And history is...vitally important.

History in particular, because if we as a people don't know where we've been, we can't properly see where we're going.

[21:54] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: If you don't know where you came from, people can tell you anything.

That too. Which goes back to the easily misled sheep comment.

[21:55] Emilly Orr: And you'll believe it, which is why education suffers so much when people remove bits from textbooks, or rewrite them to reflect current opinion, not actual fact.
[21:56] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods

So, we get a government that's too busy buying stock in disaster firms to deal with the country's issues, we get a president that denied the virus as long as he could because that meant more money lining his pockets, and on top of that he's so ridiculously petty as a human that if state governors are "mean" to him, he refuses to send them vital, life-saving equipment. He is literally killing American citizens because his ego must be placated.

This is not what we need.

But we're stuck here. More deaths, more disease, more desperation. And the gun stores are still open.

I use a cobra-snake for a necktie

The longest night is over, and we are now in the heart of winter, chill and dark. This is never something to fear, but it is something to anticipate with extra preparations.

Remember to stay warm, stock up on light sources, staples and medical/survival gear, and prepare for the long season of snow.

Turns out the strange message I heard a while back for Ravenglass Rentals? It was trolling from a bot. Still seemed strange enough to bring it up, but hey, now we know, at least?

The film Bright doesn't seem to be doing well, but could it possibly be their marketing tie-ins that were suspect to start with? Exhibit A, the hour-long video of the literal garbage fire that's showing on Netflix among the Yule Log selections.

Patreon has walked back its Netflix-level mistake, after hearing from thousands of creators that they were losing patrons at an insane rate. Which is good, but still points to changes that need to happen. I think those of us who are supporting creators are going to be watching them very closely from now on.

And anyone remember these old restaurant chains? Amusingly, I know there's at least one Sambo restaurant still in operation, because we ate there (RL), about...five years ago? It might be gone now, to be fair, but five years ago, it was near the coast. But a lot of those, I don't remember ever seeing.

I search out the light

Think outside the box.

Also, PrimBay is on its way. As of now the categories are publically viewable; if you see anything that desperately needs to be there, IM Casper Warden or Sphynx Soliel (honestly, Sphynx is generally easier to get ahold of, but seriously, either one will do) and chime in. This is Casper's attempt at making a functional, basic Marketplace that actually works and tracks sales for merchants...as opposed to the Marketplace we have now, that doesn't.

Three days to go before the veils thin to translucency, and this year, instead of feeling the pull of the wild winds, I just want to stay indoors, and pile blankets on my head, and cuddle with soft things that can't hurt me. (Which, technically, is an impossibility in my abode, because seriously, the amount of sewing needles and straight pins I've put into stuffed animals "just for now" and found later inadvertently...it's psychotically high, is what I'm saying. Anyway.)

Normally, the beginning of October rolls around and I start collating songs on a theme. One year it was classic spooky songs, one year it was harvest songs--that was a hard year; two years ago, I think, it was songs that got under my skin and dug into viscera, and okay, fine, never doing that again. This year...well, who's surprised, really?

(from the dolly album, because where else would I put it?)

My theme seemed to be broken dolls.



So let's talk about ∆AIMON, which is a name that may not translate well to all browsers. The "∆" before the A is apparently deliberate; they have a long and interesting explanation as to why they chose that spelling, and what it means to them, but mainly, I found this song while wandering the darker reaches of YouTube searching for something else entirely. I actually found this video first, which uses images from Twin Peaks, an obsession of the band, to illustrate its major themes:

into the night
I cry out
I cry out your name...
into the night
I search out
I search out the light...

Apparently, ∆AIMON is part of a new (to me) musical style called "witch house", which I'm not entirely sure--even after reading that Wiki article--actually exists. Especially as it seems to trade heavily on one thing I absolutely, absolutely loathe to my core in SL--namely, the use of Unicode symbols in words.

Which is why I cringe at recommending ∆AIMON, because, look at the name...but I really, really like this song.

You can find them on Facebook and Soundcloud.

From there I started finding a lot of tinkly, broken-music-box pieces, and I'm going to link a few of them here.



Nox Arcana is a darkambient, gothic band headed by gothic fantasy artist Joseph Vargo. He and fellow musician William Piotrowski have been quietly putting albums out since 2003, and at this point, they've gained equal acclaim in several areas to become a name alongside Midnight Syndicate (and personally, I think they're better).



This one was hard to track down, because a friend sent it to me under the title "Unknown (Kouri_Sen)". In actuality, this is Kouri Kuchiniwa's "Furui Ningyou", or "Old Puppet" piece, written for the horror game Ib. It's a haunting little broken-notes piece, and it fits stunningly well with everything else.



This is Kanon Wakeshima's "Still Doll (Music Box Version)", which was the first version I heard when searching for similar-sounding pieces a couple weeks back. Turns out it's actually an actual song with lyrics:

What kind of dreams
Hi, Miss Alice, do you see
with your eyes of glass?
do they fascinate you?

again, my heart is torn
and bleeding
I mend it but
my memories pierce the openings

Kanon began learning cello at the age of three, and by fifteen, was performing in her high school's baroque quartet. Initially discovered and produced by Mana (if you don't know, Mana is the one in blue in the photograph), she's since transited to a successful career as a recording artist. This particular song was used as the ending theme for the first season of Vampire Knight, which is not where I first heard it, but it does make me tempted to watch the anime.

You can find her on Facebook and MySpace.



And I'm going to end the music-box section of things with Philip Glass, and the piece he wrote for "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candyman_(film)", simply titlted "Music Box".



Crystal Castles is a strange band. Formed almost by accident--or accidentally via subterfuge--in 2005, the first "officially" released single was released without the permission, or even the knowledge, of the lead singer of the band. And while most of their music is intensely chaotic, driven, and deafening, this particular song is reflective, ethereal, and haunting.

mercy, we abstain
hope you're entertained
snow covers the stain...

foray forever
foray forever
foray forever
foray forever...

taught them with solace
they know a soft caress
to lower their defense

hide all that you could
done for the greater good
it's later understood...

You can find them on Facebook, Tumblr, and their own site.



This is actually not an officially released song; Fisher wanted to record and release this song, using their music and vocals but taken from a Sylvia Plath poem called "Mad Girl's Love Song". Unfortunately, they couldn't get permission from the Plath estate; finally, they used the music they'd written for this piece and composed different lyrics for it; it's on the Lovely Years CD.

I close my eyes and all the world drops dead
I lift my lids and all is born again
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red
as all my darkness gathers in

I close my eyes, the world drops dead
I think I made you up inside my head
Inside my head...

You can find out more about them on their website.



Finally, this isn't techincally a Halloween song, but it has power, and it speaks to some of what I'm going through (from a different direction) right now, so it's in the mix with the rest. It has a rather odd not-quite-backstory, too, which is worth explaining (at the first link below).

it sucks when for a little kid living means lying
and the only place you feel safe is pretending you're flying
and you'd rather be caught dead than be caught crying
will you hold my hand?

This video, a live performance from Santa Cruz, California, in 2009, has more of the background behind the song--while it was written long before the events she speaks of, she still sings this song in tribute of these children. Plus, Ms. Dawson was raised partially in the social service system, and knows well its flaws and failures first-hand.

As of this date, I can't find any information newer than 2009 but there is a blog dated 2008 that has a whole bunch of contact info for both Oregon and Virginia, if you want to find out more directly what's happening from the participants involved.

Happy Halloween.

my god, look at what we are now

One step.

"Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices."
--Paul Tournier

One step.

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head."
--Henry Rollins

One step.

"Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he's never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don't wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don't lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street."
--Frida Kahlo

And another.

"We've all had that fear, that despair of losing someone, or this fierce desire because it's not reciprocated. The less reciprocation there is, the more desire we have."
--Emmanuelle Beart

One step.

"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous."
--Elizabeth Gilbert

And another.

"Without pain, there would be no suffering; without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows. Without it, there is no way of life."
--Angelina Jolie

One step.

"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
--Khalil Gibran

And another.

"We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems--the ones that make you truly who you are--that we're ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you're looking for. You're looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person--someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, 'This is the problem I want to have.'

"I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

"Let our scars fall in love."
--Galway Kinnell

And always.

they'll never say they feel what you feel, that they can see the world you see

I'm posting this one at some point in 2010; but I'm writing it in 2012, because it's for me, not readers. People who get confused going through the archives, well, this is part of why.

From an extensive post on coping with eating disorders comes a list of suggestions. I'm pulling those ones that seem most helpful in my current straits.

the world beyond my skin

dress to feel comfortable ☥ start the morning with self-care, grooming to feel my best ☥ recognize that my thinking about my body may be distorted ☥ work on hobbies and handicrafts ☥ go for a walk ☥ watch a movie ☥ talk to and pet animals ☥ don't take extra money when you go out ☥ go out

improving my feelings

listen to music ☥ acknowledge my feelings ☥ forgive myself ☥ allow myself to feel forgiven ☥ accept compliments without reservations ☥ tell myself I'm okay ☥ accept that where I am, what I feel now is normal ☥ allow myself quiet time ☥ don't bottle my emotions ☥ find ways to let the pain out ☥ shout into a pillow ☥ learn to relax ☥ understand that I may not have a choice; that I may disagree, but have to compromise anyway

improving my mental state

find something else to do ☥ be creative any way I can ☥ recognize that my thinking in general may be distorted ☥ make a checklist of accomplishments ☥ learn something new ☥ set short term goals ☥ anticipate good times to come ☥ make plans to deal with bad times ☥ encourage myself with pep talks ☥ make a list of my strengths ☥ when things don't go well, remember it's not my fault

new routines

eat three well-balanced meals that are satisfying ☥ make lunch my main meal ☥ plan healthy snacks ☥ set my meal times four to five hours apart ☥ make a shopping list and stick to it ☥ if I have trouble knowing when I am hungry, I should plan to eat at set times ☥ clean something ☥ dust something ☥ nurture myself, even if I don't feel like it ☥ acknowledge that my greatest responsibility right now is my health

things to help me improve

make an inspiration wall ☥ take a self-defense class ☥ take up swimming again ☥ take a self-awareness or self-assertiveness class ☥ window-shop ☥ exercise ☥ set funds aside for a goal, even if it's just pennies now and again ☥ ultimately, find something else to do ☥ wear perfume ☥ learn new hair styles ☥ make flowers and pin them on my walls ☥ paint my nails ☥ buy new makeup ☥ go someplace where I can be with people even if I do not want to talk

I need to refer back to this often.

And I might need to make a comfort box.