will I choose water over wine, and hold my own and drive?

Caught this on a Discord server this morning:

[5:13 AM] masticina 🐇: the virus doesn't cares about your politics
[5:14 AM] masticina 🐇: your age, sexuality, your disabilities or abilities...
[5:14 AM] masticina 🐇: the virus takes without judgment
[5:16 AM] masticina 🐇: I think that a lot of people don't understand that
[5:16 AM] masticina 🐇: the only thing that seems to matter is, can you be smart with it.
[5:16 AM] masticina 🐇: are you and the people around you handling it well
[5:16 AM] masticina 🐇: if not, you get disneyland that just reopened and already has big name vlogger/bloggers sick again
[5:28 AM] masticina 🐇: one day it took... one day

Welp. That's depressing. But true.

We move on.

Historians are finding new ways to get attention to their museums--still mostly empty due to the pandemic, they've been culling archives worldwide for recipes and other craft ideas people can do at home. Great idea.

And did you know the US had a female lighthouse keeper? Precisely one, too, the sole woman ever to be afforded a gig at a lighthouse.

While we're at it, have a history of playing cards and the history of the first St. Patrick's Day parade. And did you know all but two country's recommended nutritional plans are massively flawed? I did not know that.

And lastly, a pretty for the day:



This spinny thing sits offshore from Tylar's Treasures. Though the maker, Tylar, tells me it's actually not his, but on his neighbor's land.

Considering his neighbor is Lunar Tripsa of newly rebranded Ever Green fame, that makes sense. She does a lot of fun things with light. And that particular one? Floats, spins, changes color, and she's selling it for L$100. How cool is that?

And finally, I can't remember where I came across this, but here's a list of the best SF novels from the 1960s to read. Sixty years back didn't see the start of SF novels, that would've been 1940s, I think, if you don't count outliers like Frankenstein as pure science fiction. But it's still a very fun list.

but now it's gone, they say it doesn't matter anymore

(Note from the Editrix: Because these are mounting, sadly, I'm going to start generally indicating when they were written, as opposed to published. This one is from the 16th of July, with an additional note added once the entry on the 21st was published.)

(Additional insert from the Editrix: Something to remember.)

Oh, I probably still have a handful of these left in me, but as I mentioned, they're going to become more scattershot, and they have. When reflection hits, I'll put one together and try to organize my thoughts enough to figure out my thinking. But I doubt there's any more bombshell revelations to be had; the last one posted on the 21st, I think that's where it's going to stay.



I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
and I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought me down

Still, reflection hit today. While I value melancholy, I do not, oddly enough, consider myself primarily melancholic. (There's a hefty scoop of morbidity in my makeup, but that's different.) But, these days, drifting melancholy is becoming fairly constant. It's not eating holes in me yet, so I'm...basically...fine.



oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
can the child within my heart rise above?

No.

That wasn't an answer to the question, that was an answer to the lighthouse. As far as that goes, we hold all ages within us. Only the people who forget they ever had a childhood believe they don't, and frankly, they have more problems than dealing with emotions on a childlike level. Because that's really what it comes down to, and children are surprisingly honest until they're taught not to be so. What they feel, for the most part, they feel completely, intensely, with a total focus as well as total abandon.

It's only as adults that we practice repression of emotion, practice channeling what we feel away from others and off our faces. Or maybe that's just me.



can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
can I handle the seasons of my life?

That is ever the question. And I'm still searching for the answer. Sitting in various places around the grid, though, is helping me with perspective, at least.



well, I've been afraid of changing
'cause I've built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
even children get older
and I'm getting older too

I said no.

I don't build my life around people anymore. I used to--I still function largely with the trope of supports, be they barnacle-encrusted wooden pilings or flying buttresses of dark stone--but I no longer completely center people as the sole focus point (or in my case, group of focus points). Because it's almost not survivable when they leave.

Now, things are far from that dramatic now, and even that bare handful of times it happened before, I was long past the searching for knives stage. But it did hurt. It hurt deeply. Supports fractured, walls shattered, at least twice my entire personality broke apart, and I had to reconstruct from scratch. (Not my favorite thing, 1/10 would not recommend.)



oh, take my love, take it down
oh, climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well, the landslide will bring it down

...Linden lands are strange.

But see? I'm not wrong. Sometimes pianos just fall out of the sky in places. Never stop watching the skies. One could be up there, just waiting for the right moment...anywhere.

I've had far too many pianos fall on me.



and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well, the landslide will bring it down, oh oh
the landslide will bring it down

I said no.

Seriously, what? What is it? Is this just leftover poking, or did I manage to somehow miss something else huge again? I can't take much more in the nature of revelation, I really can't; I'm at my limit as it is.

And I am not breaking things further down this weekend, not after they've finally started to settle. No. Point your light somewhere else, I'm not looking.

(Pictures taken at Luzon, Momenti Rubati, Ravennhart, the Temple of Iris, Waterhead and the L-Shaped Lake. Lyrics are from Fleetwood Mac's Landslide.)

I'm such a fool for sacrifice

"You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
~~Franz Kafka (from the Fourth Octavo Notebook, 1918)

Hey, after years now, I finally revisited the Elysium Suites and they're still there! I--



--oh.

No, that's okay, we're past that. I got the message.

you say we're just friends
but friends don't know the way you taste

Though I am still occasionally receiving hammer shots between the eyes from other areas. Well, part and parcel, I guess. And that is a part of it.

But, let's talk horses. I know, not my usual topic, but...since someone went out of their way to track down a certain horse coat...



May I present Absinthe?



So, for whatever reason, when I was given the horse, my naming conceit started with alcohols. The first horse I rigged out was Ardbeg (which I named for the color of the spirit, not the shade of the bottle), followed by Glenfiddich (which, at least in my experience, is lighter in tone), Mezcal (because I had a buff coat as well as a significant life event around Mezcal, which I am not going to talk about, other than to say, yes, apparently eating the worm does cause mild hallucinations)...and then...I had to think.

At some point I will find a suitable blue Paint that will be Bombay, because gin is my first true love, let's be honest, but...I still wanted an absinthe.

The only 'green' skin I could find on the grid--that wasn't an Aprille Fools' Day jest on a frog--was very, very pale. But I finally shrugged, figured it was the best I was going to get, and put together Sazerac (which, if you make it with rye, turns out slightly reddish, but if you substitute Glenfiddich and leave out the Angostura, does turn out to be a pale, lemonish-green.



So that sort of worked, but...still no dark green skin.

And then...I received a gift. This skin is called "Absinthe" of course, at least the version I have. Ms. Darkwinter Magic of The Celtique Stallion made it, and I was told it should be up on her Marketplace store in the next few days, if it's not up now.

He's wearing with it the Teeglepet Running Braid Mane, and the Teeglepet Lace Braided Tail, both from REIN for the Hanoverian, which is the base horse. (Though I did color-tint them from the White Shade tone, to an olive, to better match the coat.) Also the TEEGLE Kokiri eyes from Tutto è Vanità & SharkBox. And the tack's also from REIN, their TeeglePet Elegant Saddle and the TeeglePet English bridle, both for the Hanoverian.

I won't lie--this is just about the single most expensive hobby I've ever been involved with in SL, and that counts shopping for both evening gowns and period-accurate Viking attire at stores that routinely start at L$500 per gown, but...well, I'm having fun?

And let's be honest, really--I have a couple different saddles now, I have a couple bridles, I have a few coats for both realism and just pure fun, so--at least from this point, it's pretty much mix and match? Absinthe was the horse that was going to have the most customization, because it turned out to be a shade that did not exist on the grid...until now.



And this is his long-suffering look when I steer him off the path into the weeds. He gives me this look a lot. But I'll get better!

And of course, the sim is Teegle's Equestrian Acres, which is actually a set of three rideable, conjoined sims, steeplechases, roads and riding trails. It's not the easiest to get around if you're just going for the trails, because they are HEAVILY invested in switchbacks? But if you don't mind mixing it up between your horse on cobble and your horse on packed earth, you're gold here.

what a lovely way to burn

So. Settling into the new reality. Crushing depression with occasional bright moments. Yeah, okay. Bring it on. I got this.



Oh, it is far too bright here. No no no. That won't do.

Pretty, to be sure...it's apparently based on the palace of Versailles, but damn. Everything glitters.



Ah, that's better. Kowloon, now...Kowloon is anything but bright, unless you count the neon.



See what I mean? Thirteen years on the grid. And perfect.

Well. I mean...

[22:33] KOWLOON SIM whispers: CAUTION:Firing Guns is strictly Prohibited. And all political insistence is not permitted. If you are caught breaking this rule,you will be banned.
[22:33] KOWLOON SIM whispers: 銃の使用は厳禁です。またあらゆる政治的主張を禁止します。守れない場合はBANします

They are based in Hong Kong, to be fair, but they've always aimed for impartiality where all are welcome. They don't want political talk from any side, they just want to be. Hard to argue with that.



I don't...think I've ever climbed this ladder before.

It's a long ladder.



Where on earth did it drop me off?? (I switched the lighting to sunset, because...wau. That is a lot of antennas!)



But, it was time to move on, and the Isles of Ice sounded vaguely familiar. And once I went, I realized I'd been here before. But some things have changed. And I don't remember the bright cyan building...



And there are penguins now! At least...I think they're penguins? They all have glowing cyan-teal eyes, though....



*narrows eyes* Don't think I don't see you over there. I do.

(Pictures taken at Carpathia Antiquity, Kowloon and the Isles of Ice [which is apparently premium only now?].)

don't tell me to listen to your song, because it isn't the same

(Note from the Editrix: obviously, now, this is one of the entries that was written before the one posted on the 21st. Just FYI.)



I'm thinking it over
the way you make me feel all sexy but it's causing me shame

Nothing but time, when all I want is less of it. Isn't it always the way?




I wanna lean on your shoulder
I wish I was in love but I don't wanna cause any pain
and if I'm feeling like I'm even, we've got nothing to gain

And I'm searching for something, and sometimes I even know what it is, but the rest of the time...it's just become the search. For meaning, for understanding, for...solutions. That never seem to come.



what if I never even see you 'cause we're both on a stage
don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same

And we're reaching towards one path forward, not multiple. Not even two, now. I'm starting to drag my steps.

(Insert from the Editrix: Yeah, at this point we've been on one path for a while. No signs of offshoots, but that's not exactly great...)



I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

Oh, fat chance, sign. The spin cycle always brings drama.



baby, I'm thinking it over
what if the way we started made it something cursed from the start?
what if it only gets colder?

It's like wandering through the forest, looking for bread crumbs. There are so few left, but still we search for them. Fruitless, but it's all we know how to do.



would you still wrap me up and tell me that you think this was smart
'cause lately I've been scared of even thinking 'bout where we are

And I am finding all the cuddle spots in all the pretty places when I'm all alone, how's that for massive irony?



what if I never even see you 'cause we're both on a stage

I may have to return to this sim and do a full entry. This is Covenstead, on Summerisle. Yes, that Summerisle, from the original film. I am fascinated.

And it has some lovely calm spots to reflect.

Which will probably be even better when my outlook isn't so shadowed.



don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same
I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

Great. Another lighthouse. Just what I needed.

Getting a little heavy-handed with the symbolism, aren't we?



don't tell me listen to your song because it isn't the same
I don't wanna say your love is a waiting game

And back into the fog. Or maybe I never really left...

(Pictures taken at Angel of Pain, Historic Route 101, Home of Paine, Alas, Red Meadow, the Covenstead on Summerisle, Ile de Orlleans, Bubastis and Rosehaven Thornwood. Lyrics from Waiting Game by BANKS.)

might as well face it, you're addicted to love

(Note from the Editrix: obviously, now, this is one of the entries that was written before the one posted on the 21st. Just FYI.)



day by day and night by night
I feel you in my mind
it happens all the time

Some days, definitely. These days, nearly always. And the search for distraction ever goes on.



you know the day dreams stop
my heart beats on
I can't take it any more
it's you I live for

Which is not exactly true, but...there's an echo. I'll be honest, I've never wanted to be someone's one and only. I never wanted to be the one and only of the people I married off the screen, so why would I want that in SL? And compersion is part of my reality; I have never been wired to see two people I love, in love with each other, and feel the insecure stab of pain at the sight. Compersion is the suffusing joy at seeing them happy.



you are in my system
you are in my system
I just want you to know that,
you are in my system

But I can't shake the thoughts. I shook the nightmares, thank the universe, but I can't shake the dreams. They come and go, but every time they return, they're stronger. Richer. More detailed.

More demanding.



don't you, don't you, don't you know that, babe
I will keep on pushing, pushing, pushing
until I get through

Which...is again, not precisely true, or rather, it's true, but not in the expected direction. I'm told there's hope in this situation, and I'm happy they think so, but for me, the hope is not to live here, embracing my feelings, and quietly hope things change. This much sweeping desire, this much gnawing need...it's verging on damaging.



my main objective baby is to get to you
to turn your mind around
I know will take time

No, my path has to be to chip it out of me, while trying to scar as little of the surrounding tissue as possible. Which...may well be impossible, but when have I let impossibility stop me? (Don't answer that.)



but you know I can wait, now
you're on my mind
you are in my system
I just want you to know that,
you are in my system

It's been a tiring few days, though, in and out of world. In world the spin cycle has hit serious turbulence; off the screen the world is not only on fire, but screaming. There is very little surcease, outside of those moments when I can't stop myself from asking to be held.



it happens all the time
my dreams are filled with you
there's no doubt in my mind
that I'll be true baby

Which yes I know is defeating the purpose and yes I know is giving in and not detaching further and yes, YES, I KNOW, is just feeding the addiction for touch in the first place...

...and yes, also yes, I know it was what I asked for at the start of this because I knew I did not have it in me to stay away...



you know I'll take you out
and I'll keep lovin' you
oh baby, you are in my system,
I just want you to know that
you are in my system
cut me right down to the wire
you, ooohh, you're in my system

But. It helps as much as it hurts. It heals as much as it reinforces. The down side, though, is that along with the healing, along with the helping, along with being able to goddamn breathe, still...it's also further addicting me.

This is why we can't have nice things.



got me burning I'm on fire
you, you're in my system
can't make believe

And I thought I was facing two roads, but it turns out, I'm only facing one, and it's not the one I want to take. Maybe it's time to take Amtrak's advice...




...on second thought, he's right, that's terrible advice for trains.

(Pictures taken at Alternate Reality, Sinful Retreat, Summer House and Dreamshire. Lyrics from Robert Palmer's You Are in My System.)

I was so much younger yesterday

"Someone I once knew wrote that we walk away from our dreams afraid that we may fail or, worse yet, afraid that we may succeed."
~Mike Rich (screenwriter for Finding Forrester)

been looking forward to the future
but my eyesight is going bad
in these crystal balls
it's always cloudy except for
when you look into the past...

Down side of being a retrocog.

So, there is more processing to be done. Not only because there is, but because I still have a couple of these waiting to post, written in varying levels of AGH. Here, though, today, or, at least, earlier this morning...I think I hit a plateau. Of sorts.



consider this a sign
this is a train in the night
and now it's time for you to go
you know you've had a healthy life

End result of all the thinking: I am not now, nor in future, going to say my dominant was wrong in the ban. We all do what we believe is best, and wrong or right, we all must take responsibility for our own actions. And I am cognizant of the burden I place on anyone who attempts to care for me. I am the crucible that destroys as often as it purifies, and far more often than I'd prefer, I am my greatest enemy.



I had everything
opportunities for eternity
and I could belong to the night--

But what has become inescapable: it's backfired, and I'm not sure if that was anticipated or not. And I'm not sure how to bring that up without sounding crazed or desperate--both states I've experienced in the last week-plus, to be sure, but not relevant to the main.



yeah, I'm guilty
don't come near me
the one thing I'm good at is messing up somebody else

Which is: by removing sex from the equation, I was forced to move away from the steady state of unthinking desire—a desire I didn't have to over-analyze--and into figuring out what the rest of the feelings meant. What was left between us if we were only friends without the benefits? Was there anything beyond just physical enjoyment, a perhaps lightly perceived, at least at the time, emotional connection, a sense of shared bliss?

And...yes. By any metric, yes. What that means for the rest of my life is still unclear. In other words: oh, hello, potential depth charge. I have not missed you.



now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
everything that freaks me out
the lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

Oh, come ON! There's TWO of them now?? I SAID I GOT IT, LAY OFF.

Anyway...do I think that shaped charge is dangerous for my dominant? I don't think so, or at least, not completely. Do I think it’s dangerous for my RL? No; oddly, we feel more stable than we have been even over the last few years. And I don't think it's even intended for that other heart, or his love/s—the last thing I want, or intend, is any harm to them.



you think you have the best of intentions
I cannot shake the taste of blood in my mouth

No, I think it's meant for me, and I can't perceive the shape of the change entirely, at least at present. I do know that when--or if, but far more likely when--it does detonate, it's going to hurt. There's something in there about how I care, how I love, how unthinking I can be both with affections I hold and affections others hold for me. There's a bit about thinking through actions before blindly striding forward on whim alone. But that's just surface wrapping. There’s more underneath. And that more...scares me a little.



welcome to the room of people
who have rooms of people that they loved one day
docked away
just because we check the guns at the door
doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades

I don't honestly know where I go from here, or who I'm going with to which I'm not already strongly attached. But Sumie, I get the light now. I get the warning through the mental fog. I wish I didn't, but...yeah. I get it. I see it.

Nobody ever said we couldn't lie to ourselves. But we can only lie to ourselves so long. And I am not a simple enough creature that I move from one love to another and never look back. No, I just seem to add to the ones I have.



forgive, sounds good
forget, I'm not sure I could
they say time heals everything
but I'm still waiting

And now we're here. And here is...bleak.

Maybe I just need to look into courtly love. What did knights do if their objects of devotion didn't do anything else with them but hold hands, or dance, or hug? It's profoundly not my gig...obviously...but maybe I need to bring it back. Since the situation has been aptly instituted for me...

(Pictures taken at the City of Ithea [apparently...largely Gorean furs?? Which I didn't think was a thing?? So...let's just not mention that], Shallow Dream [part of the Bare Rose chain of sims], Enchanted Fantasy, Hex Orchid, Black Tulip and Grey's Mind Maze.

(In order, the song lyrics used: Fall Out Boy, Thnks fr th Mmrs; Remy Zero, Prophecy; The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die; Paloma Faith, Guilty; Blue October, Into the Ocean; Seether, Country Song; twenty one pilots, Heathens; and The Chicks, Not Ready to Make Nice.)

but I realized big brown eyes can hypnotize

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you
adopting all your history, it's hard being me too
are your secrets where you left them?
'cause now your ghosts are mine as well
I think it's time I met them and I think it's time you tell

Hit another patch of needing to be out of my skin. Thankfully, shapeshifting means I can do that. But it doesn't leave the problems behind, just that twitchy, friable anxiety. Takes a little longer for the skin hunger to build back up, too, because it's different skin, but...we'll get there, unfortunately.



and you should have told me when you met me
all these things I should know
and I should have asked,
we should have talked about this
so long ago

Mmhmm, that's far too familiar. Burnt trees on the horizon, flames on the ground, yep, I resemble this terrain.



it's not fair, it's not fair, help me come up for air
oh, how's this happening to me?
it feels so lonely here

Well, part of that is I'm still picking places that sound interesting enough to visit, but don't have a lot of dots on the map, because yet again I'm back to having no idea how I'll react to people. Which is slightly disconcerting for someone in my chosen field, but...hey, I'll deal or I won't, right?



we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next? you never know
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next? you never know

Spaces to breathe are good. Spaces to concentrate, to settle, to ground, are better. I'm too tightly wound again, and there is such an air of censorious judgement at present--which, yes, I realize is far from healthy, but a large part of my mind is just disgusted with the excess of emotion. As if I should just be able to shrug this off.

Should I be able to shrug this off? Was that what was expected? Oh, okay, can't sleep with the boy anymore? Okay, tra-la-la, off I go.... I mean, was it? Seriously?



now we share the closet, now you've let me come inside
and now you're finally undressing and I feel like I might die
the damage is infectious, the confession is too late
and how can I accept this?

To be fair, I have not completely crumbled yet. I have not begged, abjectly, humbly, for the ban to be lifted. Not even the steadily intensifying dreams have brought me completely to my knees. But part of the why is not that my pride's so overweening and enhanced; it's that I agreed that the one who collared me can make decisions for me. Not all decisions, obviously--I'm not a 24/7 sort, I've never been one for the barcode on the back of the neck. But this was discussed, debated, questioned, looked at from all angles, for over a year before I agreed to the collar in the first place. And part of that was not only being as open as I could be on who I was, but in letting my RL loves see who he was.

Because I have an unfortunate history, it must be said, of picking the exact wrong men. And I can't even say the ones stating this are wrong, because it's happened too many times. There is a strange exception rule to this that I've never entirely understood--men I find are the ones that tend to be wrapped around nitroglycerine and nails; men who find me tend...well, they're not always firm on their own foundations, but they aren't as geared to explode into shrapnel.

I also have never believed in Velcro collars. Submission is not something I shrug off when it's uncomfortable. I do wish it was less uncomfortable, ideally, with this situation...but I wouldn't be me if it didn't affect me, and I doubt I'd be collared to this individual were I that carefree with emotions.



it's not fair, it's not fair, help me come up for air
oh, how's this happening to me? it feels so lonely here

Great, now the livestock is laughing at me.



all your secrets
all your lies
all of it

And nothing on the horizon is getting closer but that damned signpost. I see it, already. It's not like the road's going to change.



we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next, you never know
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next, you never know

Jesus, another lighthouse. Okay, Sumie, I get it, what am I missing? Must be big to throw this many lamps on my path...

(Pictures taken at the Archipelago of Dreams, Seawolf Monsters, OMEN, The Dancing Cat Cafe, Wildwood Gardens and Endless at Haraiki Bay. Lyrics from Gwen Stefani's Danger Zone.)