but I realized big brown eyes can hypnotize

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you
adopting all your history, it's hard being me too
are your secrets where you left them?
'cause now your ghosts are mine as well
I think it's time I met them and I think it's time you tell

Hit another patch of needing to be out of my skin. Thankfully, shapeshifting means I can do that. But it doesn't leave the problems behind, just that twitchy, friable anxiety. Takes a little longer for the skin hunger to build back up, too, because it's different skin, but...we'll get there, unfortunately.



and you should have told me when you met me
all these things I should know
and I should have asked,
we should have talked about this
so long ago

Mmhmm, that's far too familiar. Burnt trees on the horizon, flames on the ground, yep, I resemble this terrain.



it's not fair, it's not fair, help me come up for air
oh, how's this happening to me?
it feels so lonely here

Well, part of that is I'm still picking places that sound interesting enough to visit, but don't have a lot of dots on the map, because yet again I'm back to having no idea how I'll react to people. Which is slightly disconcerting for someone in my chosen field, but...hey, I'll deal or I won't, right?



we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next? you never know
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next? you never know

Spaces to breathe are good. Spaces to concentrate, to settle, to ground, are better. I'm too tightly wound again, and there is such an air of censorious judgement at present--which, yes, I realize is far from healthy, but a large part of my mind is just disgusted with the excess of emotion. As if I should just be able to shrug this off.

Should I be able to shrug this off? Was that what was expected? Oh, okay, can't sleep with the boy anymore? Okay, tra-la-la, off I go.... I mean, was it? Seriously?



now we share the closet, now you've let me come inside
and now you're finally undressing and I feel like I might die
the damage is infectious, the confession is too late
and how can I accept this?

To be fair, I have not completely crumbled yet. I have not begged, abjectly, humbly, for the ban to be lifted. Not even the steadily intensifying dreams have brought me completely to my knees. But part of the why is not that my pride's so overweening and enhanced; it's that I agreed that the one who collared me can make decisions for me. Not all decisions, obviously--I'm not a 24/7 sort, I've never been one for the barcode on the back of the neck. But this was discussed, debated, questioned, looked at from all angles, for over a year before I agreed to the collar in the first place. And part of that was not only being as open as I could be on who I was, but in letting my RL loves see who he was.

Because I have an unfortunate history, it must be said, of picking the exact wrong men. And I can't even say the ones stating this are wrong, because it's happened too many times. There is a strange exception rule to this that I've never entirely understood--men I find are the ones that tend to be wrapped around nitroglycerine and nails; men who find me tend...well, they're not always firm on their own foundations, but they aren't as geared to explode into shrapnel.

I also have never believed in Velcro collars. Submission is not something I shrug off when it's uncomfortable. I do wish it was less uncomfortable, ideally, with this situation...but I wouldn't be me if it didn't affect me, and I doubt I'd be collared to this individual were I that carefree with emotions.



it's not fair, it's not fair, help me come up for air
oh, how's this happening to me? it feels so lonely here

Great, now the livestock is laughing at me.



all your secrets
all your lies
all of it

And nothing on the horizon is getting closer but that damned signpost. I see it, already. It's not like the road's going to change.



we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next, you never know
we are in a mess, a danger zone
what will happen next, you never know

Jesus, another lighthouse. Okay, Sumie, I get it, what am I missing? Must be big to throw this many lamps on my path...

(Pictures taken at the Archipelago of Dreams, Seawolf Monsters, OMEN, The Dancing Cat Cafe, Wildwood Gardens and Endless at Haraiki Bay. Lyrics from Gwen Stefani's Danger Zone.)

the more I think I know, the more I know I can't

I like to think that, since my early days of fashion review on this blog, I have matured a bit. I also know I'm an inordinately judgmental person in some areas, and this is not likely to change. I try, these days, to balance these two polar opposites of evaluation.



To wit, Exhibit A. Or perhaps B, for "Babygirl". And before anyone rolls their eyes, no, I'm not actually going after her shape. Precisely. Or clothing. Everyone wants to be comfortable now and again, and if a tanktop two sizes too small, and a pair of sweatpants about to break at the zipper make her comfortable, okay, go her. That's not what I want to point out.

In the above image, I want you to look at her ankles. Now, this is SL. We cannot, unfortunately, match our feet to our actual size, because years of conditioning to size 0 slider feet has led us to expect and, to a certain extent, visually desire teensy feet. Worse, when most of the mesh body makers designed their mesh bodies, they designed them with that bias in mind. So...we're kind of stuck with tiny-footed femmes.

But look at those ankles. Those slender, twisting things. GET AN ANKLE LOCK, dear gods, they won't DO that if you lock your ankles in place!!



Second...well, second is two-fold. First, we can control the size of our hands, so...why do so many, many women choose instead these teeny-tiny baby hands that would be better suited for 18-inch porcelain dolls?? I don't get it, I just don't. It's not attractive, it's not compelling, and, depending on the avatar, it's either nightmare fuel or completely laughable.

The second thing, though, is something I struggle with as well--and I swear, the first animator in SL who comes up with standing animations that will not clip through larger busts and hips is going to make a mint. I am dead serious. I have looked and I'm nowhere near her curves, and most of my daily animations still clip annoyingly, because I found perhaps three animations that don't clip at all.

That's not a lot. I'm sure it presents some technical difficulties, but surely, the financial gain alone would be worth it? I mean, I guess right now it's a good thing, because most of her animations moved those tiny little baby hands inside her body, where they were mercifully hidden, but still, there has to be a better way.

to deserve affection, to ever be enough for this existence

Okay, so no, this isn't AS bad as that fish-lipped, pouty, spraddle-hipped, twig-legged nightmare that was so popular a few years ago. And from the front this person was almost okay, save for that weird "Hi, my hips are dislocated" spread.



But from the back? OMG. Plus, she was a week old. I don't care if we're on an Adult sim, we're allowed to have rules, and our rules say, we don't care what you wear, but on ground level YOU WEAR CLOTHING, and any active bits are PUT AWAY.

So of course Miss One Week Old came in naked. I told her she needed to change into something, and she pulled her avatar into appearance. For TEN MINUTES. I finally asked if I could help, at all, and she poofed.

So, no longer my problem. But those hips are still disturbing.

a tale of several mesh heads (part one)

Heard from a friend about a steampunk coffeshop in Cape Town, South Africa. It's called Truth. They use an Edwardian-era coffee roaster in a Victorian-era warehouse, with much of the original pipe work for the business preserved. They roast their own coffee beans daily. If anyone's near Cape Town, or plans to be, do check them out. They sound wonderful.

In the meantime, the rest of this entry is the story of my ongoing, (mostly) fruitless search for a mesh head to go with the Maitreya mesh body. The Maitreya is mostly functional (there are still some alpha cuts that could be divided further for better adaptability), and in general, I've been happy with it.

The same cannot be said for mesh heads, from anyone.



So, this is my basic look these days. The lipstick changes, but in general, the skin, eyes, hair and face doesn't. (This is weird for me, I'm still getting used to it.) But there is a pretty clear demarcation line between where my system head ends, and where the Maitreya mesh begins. I have a couple chokers I like that I wear, but most of the time I just grit my teeth and accept there's going to be a line.

Still, friends of mine were talking about Lightstar mesh heads. I was, as with any mesh head, dubious, but I picked the one with the fullest lips (Lin, their so-called 'Asian' head), and spent many hours tweaking it into useability.



I don't think it worked. But at least, doing all that work may have given me a baseline on what to change, to make things look like "me". Ish.

Though I still don't think I look like me in any mesh head.



Then I tried the same head, untweaked, on my normal shape. Oh.



Catwa's "Catya" head is undiluted nightmare fuel.



This is Kathy.



This is Kimberly. I had high hopes for Kimberly.



This is Lilo. She looks like she's in mid-sneeze.



And this is Lona, their newest release. It's like the attack of the fish-lipped women.

All right, so...wearing the LightStar modified shape for me won't work for Catwa. Maybe that was irrational of me, to think it would, but however it goes, it doesn't work.

So later, I pore over the face changes, setting by setting, and see if I can get past the fish lips and into a mesh head, yeah?

Maybe...

(continued in part two)

when meaning's gone from every word

(( RP mode...sort of. ))



There are times in life where recovery demands change. I went to hide in the shadow spaces, to breathe in the fae lands, as diminished as they are. I needed to know the face I'd grown accustomed to seeing in the mirrors of Sakura was not the one I wore at present.



I feel frail, fragile, weak. And it is the greatest struggle not to pull my tattered shields around me, strap on what armor I have left, and pretend I'm stronger than I am. It is so very difficult to remain open to wisdom from the universe, to the things I need to hear. The things I would not hear if I was armored, shielded, shut down.



I recognize so few of the fae now. The Unseelie Court scattered to the four winds, and to this day I do not know where. Imprisoned as I was on the forbidden isle, I think I forgot how to even ask after those I'd known when I broke free, or was released, from the Queen's punishment.



But even the edges of the fae lands are healing. And my walls are currently paper-thin, ribbons of their former sun-baked clay and solid stone. I will heal, even if I have to retreat again and again, make myself believe anew that I am more than what I pretend to be. More, greater, a deeper presence, a stronger core.



And yes, if my gates are held open, there will be weak points in my structure. If I close those off, everything off, become a smooth and perfect sphere, no doors, no windows...well, what has no way in, also has no way out. And I no longer wish to lock myself away from the whole of the world. Just those parts of it that are currently hurting me.



In the meantime, the shadows will comfort me, when I cannot stand the light. I will reinforce what I need to, recover, remold myself yet again as I move through the glowing waters that were formerly home. I will heal and find comfort again in the mask I wear, for it is teaching me what I need to know about the human world, again. And I will seal off the access points I need to, to survive. Rebuild my walls, to grow strong again. And reemerge whole enough to continue.

After all, it won't be the first time.

accessorizing with a rosary tucked inside her lingerie

In all seriousness, virtual child or not, there is no way I would let any prepubescent person wear this. Yes, I realize it's the Rolling Stones logo, and children might conceivably be fans. But there?!? Maybe it's just me, but that design should be against the Linden ToS by virtue of the logo placement alone.

Of course, keep in mind this is the same store who thinks it's appropriate to clothe the elementary school set with "Dirty Girl" slogans, printed cherry panty sets (with inappropriate bralettes, to boot), the somewhat infamous "Wet Kitty" swimsuit, and do I even need to mention the reference to twerking?

Also, why does this shape exist? Why is it still everywhere? Why do easily 75% of all women on the grid want to be straddle-hipped and fish-lipped? These questions have never been answered to my satisfaction.

(Of course, if I ever got a halfway decent answer to those questions, I'd just have to ask why this everything exists next. Or why this dress was made to be compatible with Lolas Tango appliers. And frankly, those are conversations that just won't end well.)

Speaking of general bafflement, why do these power outlets exist? I mean, I admire their dedication to offering them in various colors, and yes, I understand it's an innovative way to change the angle of the outlet so that they fit more neatly against the wall for purposes of furniture distance, but...it still seems really odd.

In the meantime, recently, Neverwinter suffered a networking failure, and it took several hours for them to replace the affected systems. They were very in touch with their userbase via web page updates as well as constant Twitter contact, something I humbly and deeply appreciate as a user of their game.



This was an in-game capture of the moment the game came back online. There are so many players in one place, I couldn't even make out all the names. Which ignores the very real issue of enough players in one place, they seriously overlapped each other. It was limbs and arms poking out of random torsos and rotating in place, which was slightly amusing, but also kind of staggering. And this was not the only place in the game people returned, this was just a common gathering point for many.

But, as ever, along with a restoration of the local population, came...well, the local population:

[Zone] teamkiwi@t3amkiwi: omg party at the Tempus invoke
[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: just because you have in the same data center does not mean each person in that center has the same hardware
[Zone] XcessiveArcana@xcessiveforce40: Dante was complaining on facebook as well
[Zone] Albino@AlbinoSnowWhite: The legions of the Damned is recruiting !!!!
[Zone] XXXO@xxxokiller: oh shut the fk up you albino

I don't even know what that insult means. Also, what would an albino Snow White be? Skin white as snow, but then hair white as snow, too? And pale lips?

Are they really Snow White at that point, in anything save camouflage and coloration?

[Zone] XXXO@xxxokiller: I lost my 5,000 zen ^^
[Zone] Lesryl@traxsu: They won't fix it.
[Zone] Lesryl@traxsu: This has happened before.
[Zone] lillith@themuffingirl2: maybe we should be happy its a free to play game and they work so hard to keep it up

A valid point, and one more folks in Neverwinter should embrace.

[Zone] James@trjames: Wow, look at all the people/bots invoking right now
[Zone] Bruce.Lee@dyanjp: woo hoo back up

Absolutely. That's what you're seeing in the above image, by the way--that's the main place to pray for boons from the various gods in Protectors' Enclave, the main zone of Neverwinter.

[Zone] XcessiveArcana@xcessiveforce40: every company wants cheap labor for IT
[Zone] Kat Shieldheart@jedifreeman: G DANTE - let me rephrase - I have personally seen the Neverwinter servers
[Zone] Kat Shieldheart@jedifreeman: I HAVE GAZED UPON THIS WORLD FROM THE OUTSIDE
[Zone] XXXO@xxxokiller: bruce lee *%^! just got real lmao
[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: kat stop lieing

Why does she have to be lying? They're in San Francisco, unless they co-locate their server banks, which is also possible--but either way, it's not beyond the realm of possibility at all that she's seen the server banks. Options for how this might happen:

• She works in service and repair of a server company Cryptic contracts with to maintain their data.
• She works for Perfect World.
• She works for Cryptic.
• She works in the IT department that directly maintains the Neverwinter game.
• She delivers mail to engineers that work in the server banks for whatever companies Cryptic work with.
• She works in human resources and had reason to go down to talk with engineers or IT support workers.
• She has friends who works in any of these areas, and they took her on a tour of the facilities.

These aren't even the only reasons she could have seen them. It's not like the server banks are on Mars, people.

[Zone] Tarna@death69inc: hard to beleive it took that long

Not really. Keep in mind they had a widespread system failure, and Cryptic was repairing networking in sequence to make sure everything pathed correctly for retention. A great many Cryptic and Perfect World games went offline, so it wasn't just Neverwinter, either. As seen on that web link, eight games in total had issues that needed repair.

[Zone] Random Chance@Random_Chance: well, finally in...has everyone demanded that Perfect World owes them compensation for not being able to play their free game all day?

Please be kidding.

[Zone] Shinryuu the Sleeper@finmakin: I always find it hilarious when ppl complaining about a free game... SUE them... get them to Court instead of crying here like baby's
[Zone] cardinal sin@jagrmaster: lmao sorry its still a lil funny
[Zone] cardinal sin@jagrmaster: were you here for that?
[Zone] Kat Shieldheart@jedifreeman: G DANTE - sorry that you dont believe me. Some of us are actually real people who have real jobs who get to do cool things.

Exactly. She works for the company, or for a company who works for the company, because a surprising number of folks who work for Cryptic/Neverwinter/Perfect World also play the games they run, quelle horreur. Gods forbid people who work for a game company actually ENJOY playing games.

[Zone] Lerissa Balorfist@foxfire444: Problem is it also affected games that people pay for
[Zone] XXXO@xxxokiller: people put plenty of money into this fkn game, no reason for that nonsense about free game &#$# boy
[Zone] Tarna@death69inc: lol they must care less abotu makign money or they woudl have worked hard to get it back up

They did work wicked hard to get it back up. See when they first noticed the problem on March 21st, followed by this, this, this, this--which is something they didn't have to do, but chose to do to help the feeling of disappointment for Neverwinter gamers...Pretty much their entire tweet stream from the 21st, actually, deals largely with the downtime and both reassuring and informing customers.

[Zone] Darray@theghostess: I think the CTA should be extended. But that's the only "compensation" I would expect.

And the game devs agreed with Darray, and extended the Call to Arms event to make up for the downtime.

[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: i dont ask them to give me nothing its them once again walking with there tails between there legs

I don't even know what he means here. How is constant Twitter and web contact slinking off in shame when all this happened?

[Zone] Zenith@stellarstrider: They already extended it
[Zone] Kat Shieldheart@jedifreeman: Darray - it is extended by a day
[Zone] Gin@Sadler38: the CTA did get extended

Yep. And a great many people, me included, deeply appreciated them for doing that.

[Zone] Ashiok@juicebox87: quit whining and game on you sissy cupcakes.

Hee!

[Zone] Random Chance@Random_Chance: I"m guessing they had to get replacement equipment flown in from another part of the country
[Zone] Pri3stitute@ratbugasmatti: WELCOME BACK TO THE REAL WORLD!!!!

I thought so, too, but it wasn't a server failure, just a networking one.

[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: trolling is not a real job

Get stuffed, Dante.

[Zone] Waeren@mystrmidnyte: no1 cares *%^!
[Zone] Gin@vincentnw: trolling = lving under a brigde to take tolls from travelers... sounds like a homeless guy or a mugger

What? Seriously, dude, what the hell does that even mean?

[Zone] Kat Shieldheart@jedifreeman: G DANTE - you are right, you should start looking for something else
[Zone] Random Chance@Random_Chance: wait...no mail explaining the outage and what they're going to give me in compensation? GET MY LAWYERS ON THE PHONE!

Please be kidding, part II.

[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: kat stop trolling thats what your doing by saying what your saying right now read your responce
[Zone] Syndul The Slick@morenthar: I LOVE IT HOW PEOPLE PLAY A GAME THEY HATE. I LOVE LAMP ;)

Yeah, hard not to, to both of these.

[Zone] Kat Shieldheart@jedifreeman: G DANTE - see, there is a difference between trolling and the truth - I actually have been to the PWE Datacenter
[Zone] cardinal sin@jagrmaster: here comes the questions lol
[Zone] XXXO@xxxokiller: snuffles is that considered trolling since you are lying?

Again, why does she have to be lying? Why is there controversy over this point in the first place?

[Zone] Bagwit Halfins@theoriginalmad: well thats a fail .. no redundency system apparently
[Zone] Random Chance@Random_Chance: could be original and backup network devices were same make, with same defect

Perfectly possible, in fact.

[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: soon the asian scammers are going to come
[Zone] cardinal sin@jagrmaster: lol dante
[Zone] XXXO@xxxokiller: HEY FRIENDS! SPEND MONEY
[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: the asian scammers with hey friends
[Zone] Sniffles@bodizatfa: when they come you can whisper....theyre here
[Zone] wwwEGPALnet@iztoe2: Astral Diamonds 1 million for ONLY $8.99. We also have PERFECT/Greater/Rank10/Rank9 Enchantments ON SALE with 30 minute delivery guaranteed
[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: see look
[Zone] Sniffles@bodizatfa: theyre here
[Zone] G DANTE@gdante7111111: there they are

Yep. And we've pretty much restored full service to the game, gold spammers and all. I think we're done here.

you're drowning in the grief of Jupiter's water

Al Satterwhite's Cozumel Diary project will be fully funded! Congratulations to all contributors!

And Among the Sleep will be fully funded! This one's even more exciting for me, personally, because I think it's an astonishing step in survival horror games. There's been games where the protagonist is a child--there are survival horror games where the villain is a child--but a toddler? And having the entire game hinge on not knowing, from the first moment, whether or not this is that toddler's nightmare, or really something going on? Beautiful.

I seem to be the land of oddly specific links on occasion. But, if you ever wanted to look like a Drow Lolita who's just wandered in from the Battle of Normandy...I can help you with that.

Speaking of Marketplace things, I found this, and I couldn't figure out what they'd done to make the face look like that. So I ordered the demo version, and took a closer look.

(from the Comparisons album; not my standard side-by-side run, but a comparison nonethelss)

I've been logging in and mainly going through new (or new-ish) inventory, so in the above image, I'm wearing the LoveCats 'Spring Fae' skin in purple (bought on sale about a week ago), with an Angelwing outfit (the Naerose set in purple) purchased at their last sale, the Nautilus eyes in Violet from Saturnine Dreams (closing on May 20th, so go buy things NOW!), and Truth's "Adeline" hair with roots in the 'Elvira' tone (bought at Truth's last sale, which was so chaotically handled, that while I'm happy to have more mesh hair, I really don't care if I ever go back to the store).

(from the Comparisons album)

Um. Okay, this is terrifying. And I'm not talking about the huge hands--that's an easy change to make on a shape, so you can demo it for potential customers, and they can see how the rest of the shape looks.

(from the Comparisons album)

And then the skin rezzed in. Yeah. That...shape...That is just wrong, in every conceivable way. Not the least of which is, it's supposed to be a 'fresh teen shape', and...bwuh? Teens have no chins and anime eyes? Since when??

(from the Comparisons album)

I did try the skin demo with what (at least this month) I'm considering as my default shape, and--while I don't normally wear tanned skins--this isn't a bad skin. The shading's decent, and overall, having looked through her Marketplace store, her skin line isn't bad. Slightly derivative, but seriously, who isn't, these days? But they look good.

It's just her teen shape that's baffling.

Wil Wheaton made the Rachel Maddow blog the other day, or at least, something he said at a convention did--a heartfelt, sincere, amazing answer to the mother of a new child on why it was perfectly okay to be a nerd. Well worth watching.

And the LEGO company is releasing a Steampunk set soon! It looks very cool, and of course, I am thinking of combining the Steampunk master set with the Pirates set...and maybe the zombie set. Woo-hoo!

I linked XD Design's window device charger a while ago on the blog--a beautifully designed, utterly impractical, inefficient and overpriced solar panel that sticks to a window near your desk or in your home. Well, now they've released something else that's beautiful, stylish, as well as inefficient and overpriced--a sunflower-in-pot solar-panel charger. They're both cute; they're both very sleek. But it seems form means more to XD than function, and that's really not the point.

Like Minecraft? Like 3D printing? Like designing things? Try Printcraft, a scripted variant of Minecraft wherein folks can log in, make their builds, and convert their creations directly to .stl files for 3D printing, in addition to uploading them direct from the game to Thingiverse. I don't know whether it's a pay server or not, but it's yet another great innovation to the base game.

In more...disturbing news, or at least potentially...a Japanese company has invented virtual water.

As Gizmodo--and the company's promotional materials--hint at, this likely won't be used for...well...water. But virtual sex has always been big business, so it's hardly surprising.

"Go home, rainbow! You're drunk!"

after them she shot, down down down

[20:08] pxxxx Cxxxxx shouts: WHY DO YOU GUYS HAVE DUCKS ON YOUR HEAD

Some days, people worry me more than others.

In and amongst preparations for Sunday's Aether Salon, more reflections on shopping naked.

Because it's still confusing.

Take this lovely fur, f'rinstance:

(from the shopping album; apparently furs shop naked, too.)

I won't lie; she was dead cute. The bow, the spots, the poses in her AO...she was just adorably winsome, start to finish. But she wore a bandeau top and gloves, the bow, and...nothing else.

And see, here's my thing with furs: yes, I know animals don't wear clothes. Even some anthropomorphic animals don't wear clothes. But there's a vast difference between "not wearing clothes because I'm covered in fur", and "not wearing clothes even though my fur is so short you can see genitalia". Am I the only one who perceives the definite difference between those two states?

I don't even feel I can link directly on this blog the set of shots I took and animated, just to show you the pose variation, because barring this one (rather perfectly) figleafed image, ALL of the rest I'd have to edit!

Or how about...her:

(from the shopping album. Some things you cannot unsee.)

I...don't even know where to begin. Her proportions are off, and I'm not just talking about her implants. Her color coordination sense is...deeply impaired.

(from the shopping album. Please don't do that again.)

And keep in mind, I'm not even talking about the implants here. Some women want tits the size of planetoids; okay, whatever. That's your thing, that's your thing, it's not about to change.

I'm more talking the distortion of the system avatar.

Like...the fact that she doesn't have curves, here, she has ANGLES.

Just to enhance the point:

(from the shopping album. Yeah.)

This is a crop of the above image, so you can see exactly what I mean. Even if you want a large rear--or large anything--you want to do your best to ensure that it fits the concept. Because human beings are not angular, we're rounded. This? This is not rounded. This is pushing the system mesh until there's literally nowhere else to go. This is forcing an avatar to be as large as it can be with zero care how that looks to anyone else.

(from the shopping album. Yeah.)

It's like she doesn't even notice--or worse, doesn't even care--how much she's distorted the underlying shape.

(from the shopping album. It's just not getting better.)

Maybe she finally realized how little her boots go with the rest of her? Your guess is as good as mine, unfortunately.