drowning in the silence

Second post of the day, because I have been gone a WHILE--

And this one's more random. From a message I just sent my partner:

[3:57 PM] 26 April, 2026: Emilly [VOID]: I so want to ask for a land forms kit from Fanatik that now has PBR textures, but I'm still in a tailspin after coming back, things haven't evened out, and that was AFTER I apologized for going radio silent months before.

[3:59 PM] 26 April, 2026: Emilly [VOID]: The animal wounded retreats for imagined safety, and it never works out, and I do it anyway. 50% getting tired of saying the same things, 50% not wanting to "burden" other people (and yes, gosh, THANK you for that one, mother, you've been dead a third of my life now, get the F̸̥͍̭̮͛̉̈́̏̒̑̕͜#̶̧̳̦̤̩̥̮̳̖͈͑͠C̸͇̹̺͓͎̦̘̳̼̭͇̫̳͕̋̅́̆͐͛̅̒̄̌͗̆̕ͅK̸͓̜̘̤̼̮͎̜̠͙̈́͝ out of my brain, thx). I am bad at all the things.

[4:00 PM] 26 April, 2026: Emilly [VOID]: I love you still. I will try to be in touch more often, it's just...hard. Everything is hard right now. But I will perservere.

I will, it's just...still a bit thrown from life in general at present. Pain levels spiking, check, still struggling to get ONE new prescription since my optometrist changed his policies from "grudgingly updating my prescription to one new pair of glasses" to "Sorry, no, we don't give out pupillary distance unless you purchase at least one frame through us"...

How much are those frames? Well, the "cheap" trays start at $120 per pair...



Oh, and for the gut-punch vicious irony, if I hadn't mentioned it before: lost my last client back in February, didn't know it until I fixed the comp enough to log back in. And I am using "lost" in its full sense, here--the motiver behind the screen passed away. Meeting nearly every week for eleven years...I miss him. I didn't expect his passing to be so destabilizing...but grief's like that at times, it sneaks up on us.

And with that, I think my courtesan days are finally over. My heart's just not in it. I guess I'm a Duchess full-time now, which won't be much of a shift, honestly--I pretty much am done, at least this year, with casual romps, I'm just keeping to the core group of loves. Three of which are pretty much perpetually offline...

RIGHT, this is getting dire. ANYWAY. I'll likely finish the post before this later tonight, 'cos I just crashed for the SEVENTH GORRAM TIME--

So that's it for now. Working on making OBS mah bish, because it's currently drop-kicked me into the basement, cackling maniacally. Bah. But I really want to do at least three vids, one of which should be for the upcoming five-year anniversary for Gearhaven.

(Did I not mention that? Yeah. Five years we've been on the grid. Time really flies when you're stressed beyond all comprehension, or something. But it's had its moments I would not exchange for all the perfumes of Arabia...

And I need to fix the blog layout. A-friggin'-gain...

All right, all right, that's it. Be well, be safe. Gearhaven out.

now there's a fire in the speakers and blood on the master tapes

I know. I know. The blog template still isn't fixed. I'm scattershot on answering messages. And yet, I'm asking for help to get my computer up and running, so I can finally get back to SL, because other options haven't panned out.

I'm cringing asking. But I'm asking anyway.

Help if you can. Pass it on if you can't. And thanks.

spoiled all, spoiled all

Sooooo....been a hot minute, huh? Comp's still down. You forget how much memory is tied to machine these days. Passwords. Financial data. Appointments. Programs.

In my case, a ton of books, music, and graphics as well...All locked up inside a dead box.

I am not best pleased with 2026 so far.

kill your pride, turn your fear to a weapon

Not doin' well. Had to unpack a deliberately reinforced line of embroidery, ended up jabbing the seam ripper through the fabric tree times. Now I have to reinforce the remaining threads, mend the new holes, and probably track down a smallish patch of some sort to cover it all.GAH.

So.

Channels keeping me sane:

BigGaming64 (If One Topic at a Time didn't exist, he'd be THE most wholesome YouTuber.)

fastpassfacts (All animatronic history, all the time.)

WhyJordie
(All mechaniphobia content, all the time.)

HordesofHorror (Horror reviews, both film and books, much like SpookyAstronauts.)

KingKey (Supportive drag king moments.)

And one bonus single vid, P.M Seymour reading a Tumblr post on bees (Every point you need to defeat vegan arguments about honey.)

did you just say you're finished? didn't know we started

So...hey...

I still haven't fixed the blog, beginning to despair of that happening before 2027...and I might have enough images formatted and linkable from the "Lillith's Thorns" Medici Collar shoot; and I am going to review what I can long-distance, but...that will be the last with shots of me. (Though, won't lie, tempted to see if I can inveigle Justine and/or Lucifer as models. Haven't asked yet, it's just idle pondering for the moment.)

Why? Well, because my comp's power supply toasted. Rotten timing. We're trying to see if we have enough to get one this month; if we don't, it may mean February--or longer--



AND I AM ALREADY LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND--

But it's okay. I will get through this.It is going to be mental updating every thing from my phone, though.
Oh, and for all the (non-American) friends who've asked:



All caught up? Fab. Because 2026 is shaping up to be a razorblade rollercoaster of psychopathy!



Indeed.

it's just your shadow on the floor

(This section was written on July 11th...)

Great. Sat myself down today after oversleeping, and told myself sternly I was not going to log into SL until I did at least one of two things:

1. I get the blog template fixed; or
2. I finish coding the Lucent horns entry.

(Ended up never finishing either one and logged in anyway...but the below few frustrating days did NOT help, to be sure.)

And guess what happened? I learned imgbb was BROKEN!!

Won't deliver any linking codes, and I can work with a lot, gang, but if I can't even get the direct image links to code by hand, I'm dead. Dead dead.



(Which I had to upload using a NEW linking service and just MORE OF ALL THE WHY--)

So, hey, how about some links while I wait? Scientists have discovered a way to recreate Egyptian blue pigment.

And this drummer is so amazing, I had to look him up. He's Timothy Fletcher_ on TikTok. Just phenomenal.

And I think her name's WhyJordie on both TikTok and YouTube, but she has a semi-crippling (and real) set of phobias, among them thassalophobia (fear of the deep sea and creatures therein), megalophobia (fear of large structures anywhere, above or below water), automatonophobia (fear of animatronics, or it can also cover statues and mannequins), and let's not forget her deep, abiding terror regarding submechanophobia (fear of submerged anything, but traditionally large sunken ships, buildings, or flightcraft), and she's added the quirk of also being traumatized by large ship chains, and large ship propellers).

I seriously don't have space to link everything. Thing is, she is a deeply terrified person, this is true--but she's also a fan of horror, and likes being afraid. (Totally get that, it's why I specifically pay for a monthly Shudder subscription.) She's engaging to watch, funny, witty--there can be worse things than someone virtually holding your hand while you both freak out at a shared visual.

(And that's as far as I got before leaving in in drafts f o r e e e v e r r r ...Oh, and let's not forget yesterday's joy, on the first of Septus '25, illustrated below:



(So yeah. Apologies for worrying m'friends [and loves] over the past, uh...FIVE MONTHS?!??...I'm working on it.)

(And the blog template's still not fixed. I may give up.)

'til you learn with age what you can’t do and then try and make a change

Eerie Aquarium's take on depression is hauntingly accurate. Some of the other conditions fit, some don't, but I get the concept. And yeah, being neurodivergent is terrifying at times. NSF...brains? Disturbing content, definitely. Touch of body horror? Mild gore. Soundtrack-induced dread?

Also, as an aside, since the last post was political, let's carry on:

Creator @bekahdayyy has put together a point-by-point refutation of anyone in your life who says they voted for Donald Trump because of their Christian faith. It's not about faith, it's about power. If you're in the position to be attending Thanksgiving, Christmas or other holidays with family and friends who voted for the orange loon, maybe print this out to answer any questions they might have.

But it's not just about the policies. Project 2025 is a comprehensive document covering many areas the writers seek to "improve". Among them:

• Defunding the Department of Education, including Pell grants for college, striking down special education programs, and taking all further education and schooling for children to pricy private (many religious) schools.
• Defunding the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare, and ACA, yes, it very much IS the same thing)--which will also include Medicare and Medicaid being cut by 90%, and removing all prescription price caps (including Biden's $35 cap on insulin. Also of note: food stamps will be taken from 93% of all Americans currently involved in the program.)
• No-fault divorce will be banned nationwide, leaving many women stuck in abusive situations to be battered, severely injured, or even slain.
• Another plan that will kill women is their purported federal abortion ban, allowing zero exceptions for rape, incest, or fetal malformations and the life of the mother.
• Try this one on for size; Dismantling the Marriage Equality Act and federally ruling that marriage can only take place between a man and a woman. Women will also, under the new ruling, lose their independent rights to separate financing, owning property, or--should the unlikely divorce be granted--their own children. and let's not forget, the Marriage Equality Act also insures that interracial marriage is protected. So that will be struck down as well. Guess Clarence and Ginny Thomas are splitting up next year.
• How about the rights of workers? They won't have any. Employers will be free to break up unions, to no longer offer overtime, to fire employees for any reason without fear of repercussions. And federally, employers will no longer have to worry about displaying bigotry or racism--they'll be free to make their workplaces as white as they wish.
• The military, and likely ICE, will be deployed to enact mass deportations. Far as I understand, the procedure will be arrest first, ask questions later--if at all. And let me quote from the document directly, as she put it so well:

  "1 in every 15 families is of mixed documentation status. American citizens will be subject to deportation if they have a family member living in the home undocumented...Denaturalization of immigrants who have received citizenship will begin. DACA will end. Our Asylum Program will be dismantled."

• This is a fun one--since Homeland Security was created as a bureau, the police already were partially militarized. But after Trump takes office? Police officers will receive prosecutorial immunity and be further militarized. Checks and balances on police overreach? What are those? Oh, and racial discrimination? Prepare for that to come back, in spades, as they receive a mandate to gun after anyone not white and conservative.
• Trump, through Project 2025, will give reparation to victims of discrimination...but of course, only the white ones. The plan is also to weaponize the Department of Justice to go after teachers, professors and alumni in colleges that practice diversity, equity, and inclusion (the dreaded "DEI") and fire them. Then tear down the colleges themselves, especially black ones.

Do I need to go on? Because I can go on. This document covers the appointees Trump is planning to push through, as well, and some of them are just as reprehensible, racist and lacking any skill sets for the positions they'll be taking over, as their chosen convicted felon is.



So, for anyone still reading along who voted for Trump? This is why I'm not interested in you being part of my life. We already had four years of him, when he was basically a gleeful, wheezing toddler with a hammer, breaking structures and yelling for hamburgers. He managed to put a tidy sum of money into his pocket from YOUR from being president those four years, too, or didn't you catch that he was charging the Secret Service hundreds of thousands of dollars to rent rooms in hotels he owned?

And you voted to put him in power again. I know there will be members of Congress fighting against his despotic desires, but he has said, multiple times, to multiple Cult 45 members, in multiple cities, that at the very least he plans to:

• Destroy education as we know it from kindergarten to college
• Ban teaching ANYTHING about African-American history; Japanese histories of children growing up in camps instead of houses (even though many Japanese-Americans during WWII were born in the US); anything about the contributions people of color have made to this country through invention, innovation, scientific, medical, legal and political advances; any reference to the near-genocide and seizure of land for indigenous peoples--essentially, anything that might hurt poor white peoples' feewings
• Destroy Medicaid and Medicare (so there goes my insurance)
• Destroy Social Security (and there goes my ability to pay rent)
• Destroy the Affordable Care Act (so there goes one of my love's insurance)
• Set high tariffs against countries he currently dislikes, which will drive the cost of EVERYTHING up (or didn't you realize what tariffs actually do?)
• Destroy the Veterans' Administration entirely (so there goes my other love's insurance, since she's a veteran)
• Remove responsibility for womens' medical care and bodily autonomy (and as a woman, I kind of take that personally)
• Remove marital rights guaranteed to men from women (and this alone, even were I not happy with the loves I have, would ensure I'd never marry), essentially starting the process to make them American citizens with reduced rights;
• Restrict food stamps to the narrowest possible sliver of citizenry (so, hey, I guess I don't need to eat anymore, right?);

--and AGAIN, I COULD GO ON--



Is it sinking in yet? Having any regrets on how you voted? Because I'm hearing that a lot, too--that Trump voters "didn't really understand", or "didn't know" he was proposing to sink so many ships. And for me, I mean, great, you have seen that your cult leader may not be precisely trustworthy, but COULD YOU NOT HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION BEFORE VOTING FOR HIM?!??

But that's it. End of rant. I refuse to trust people who voted for me to starve, get sicker, or outright die. Just because the price of eggs went up. Oh, babies, just WAIT until the 200% tariffs go into effect on Chinese imported goods, or Mexican imported fruits and vegetables, and you'll be having to choose between paying rent, or buying a new skirt. Paying for necessary medical equipment or prescriptions, or buying a bag of apples. No more. No. More.

the ruins of the day painted with a scar

I didn't go through a single haunt this year. It's strange to say that. I have so many things to review, and I've missed the events they were at for all of them. I regret that. And I have so many drafts I wanted to go through and post. I still might, but...there are more important things to do.



Listen. If nothing else, this has proved unequivocally that half of the United States still thinks women aren't people.

The forced-birthers won. The COVID deniers won.
The religious extremists won. The anti-vaxxers won. The anti-maskers won.
The climate-change deniers won. The prosperity gospel churches won.
The QAnon conspiracists won. The MAGAt cultists won.
The tech bros with frat-boy mentalities won. The NRA won.
The anti-feminists won. The Trump-as-Messiah worshippers won.
The neo-Nazis won.

It's morning in Gilead. This is who we are. But this is not who we have to be. I do not intend to subside quietly until the jackbooted thugs come to carry us away to the camps. I am who I am yesterday, who I am today--bisexual, Rökkatruar heathen, polyamorous--and I am not going to hide.

And if you're friends with me, or if you're one of my loves, and you voted for Trump--don't tell me. Or do, so we can break it off clean and walk away from each other. That is my line in the sand. Because if you voted for him, you voted for dozens of hate groups behind him that want to make this a theocratic dictatorship. You voted against every LGBT+ person in your life. You voted against anyone who's trans in your life, whether they've come out to you or not. And ultimately, you voted against everyone who shares my gender.

Is it sinking in yet? More women will die with a locked-in federal ban on abortive and prenatal care. Anyone who's not white has a very good chance of being attacked in the streets, arrested, deported, whether they were born here or not. Separating children from their parents at the border will likely start up again..not that it actually ever stopped, but there has at least been an attempt to reunite families post-Trump...Mandated church attendance? They could do that. I know when we were living in a very frightening small town, we were told to pick a church and go to it faithfully--because otherwise, we'd be considered Satanists and they'd shoot us.

These were cops saying that, by the way. I believe the exact quote was, "Well, ma'am, then we'll come back, help you both into a truck, drive into the scrub, and put you to sleep."

Is it sinking in yet? Trump is talking about putting a man with a partially-devoured brain in charge of women's health. Musk he's lined up for a new department, one called "Efficiency", where he'll kill any program he deems as wasting too much money. You know, like he did with Twitter--oh, sorry, I mean X--when he fired the entire coding department and suddenly, things started breaking down. Such a mystery.

He's talked about removing the FDA, the Bureau of Education, killing school lunch programs, loosening the clean-air restrictions so factories and corporations don't have to go by the keeping-people-alive programs. He says he'll fire every civil servant on the government's payroll, and replace them with his hand-picked people. He's enslaved now to special-interest churches who seriously believe that Jesus won't return until every tree is cut down. He wants no separation between church and state. The Supreme Court, formerly a panel with--at least supposedly--the most well-educated, well-versed in law, judges and lawyers...is essentially in his pocket.

And all of that is assuming he lives for the next four years. It would be so easy to be one of those "best people" close to him and just--help him to stop breathing. And then we'd have President Vance.

Trump is the first convicted felon to hold a high office. He's been convicted for fraud, embezzling, sexual assault, attempting to overturn the government...Is this really the caliber of man we want leading the country? Essentially an emotionally stunted sociopath, clearly and obviously sliding into Alzheimer's, who golfs more than Obama did, who keeps a list of people and groups that were mean to him so he can penalize them directly...this man is not presidential material.

"But oh, she supports Israel...oh, she isn't left enough...oh, it's not the time for a woman president...oh, as a prosecutor she put a lot of people of color away..." Okay. Compare and contrast--someone who might reconsider at least part of her position if enough voters asked for it, versus...Trump. Who WILL further arm Israel, who plans to cut off any future aid to Ukraine, and may in fact start shipping ammo and arms TO Russia, for all we know.

IS IT SINKING IN YET??

I'm not hiding. And echo chamber or not, I'm just porting away from anyone who starts talking about how great it's going to be under Trump again. Or bouncing people from the Gearhaven estate if I'm there. I am done with tolerating the fools who think the next four years will be anything but greater chaos than he managed during his first four years.

I don't often talk politics on this blog, because I don't want to. I left Twitter a month after Musk took over, because I could already see it becoming a haven for every right-wing nut-job still gunning for the Obamas and the Clintons for being part of the huge underground child trafficking ring...which doesn't exist, which never existed, but hey, I could pull up a double dozen articles on Republican senators, preachers and business owners who were caught doing that exact thing. May I refer you to Matt Gaetz, for example? The DOJ was told to drop the case, but the civil and criminal charges are still pending. And he's far from the only one.



But that's it. You can go home now. Everybody out of the pool.

Or go here and do some good.

NOW that's it.

and the engine's failed again, all limits of disguise

It's October already, and no haunts have been visited in September. At all. I have no explanation. Also a lack of updating, there's that. To the point that I might have to reintroduce myself to anyone reading along.

So, hi, I'm dy--I mean, I'm increasingly impair--I meant to say, hi, I'm locked in a pitched battle with my goddamn neurologis--

Errr. Let's try again. I'm Em. Hi. The rest is flavor text.

Aaaaaanyway...I had decided to do something potentially ill-advised, namely--the 21 in 31 Challenge. Now, there are existing 31 Days of Horror challenges. I know that. This felt more my speed, though.

For example, here's HordesofHorror's list:



She's following down her curated list, and even managed an explanation for each one. And I've seen both "You have to make your list on day one and stick to it!" and "Pick a movie a day you haven't seen!" camps for the usual 31 Days Challenges. I planned to fall in the middle of the road: I wasn't making a list beforehand, but I would watch each film all the way down. No five-minute "this is too terrible to continue watching" waffling.

And I'd do my best to pick things I haven't seen.

And then...several days more went by, and...here we are. So we're starting with "The Last Ghost Hunters", filmed in 2021, currently on Tubi--because it may be the only one I have energy to cover. Their capsule description says:

"Terror is about to break loose when a team of ghost hunters get hired to explore a vacant country house where several people have disappeared forever."

Okay then!



Now, I could have sworn the house used in this film was one I'd seen before, and my mind was saying Black Mirror. I checked, but as far as I can tell, it's not that. Maybe it's just similar to a lot of other houses I've seen, that were built in the same era.



So first off the bat: they do the best they can. I think all the actors did the very best they could, trapped between poorly-green-screened ghosts and the Big Evil of the piece...essentially some dude in a gas mask. There was a lot of gritting my teeth to get through the runtime.



And I'm not great at giving reviews without spoilers, so let me tell you this was the best shot I could get of the green screen, and even here, it's pretty bad. Add in special effects--smoke, fog, fire, ACTORS MOVING, whatever--and the believability sinks like a flan in a cupboard. I'm not sure, had it not been a challenge, I would have bothered to finish it, frankly.

Adding in to the "not bothering" camp: I saw Platform 2 had arrived, so I figured, I should probably try to finish the first one...and I made it twenty minutes farther in and stopped. Nope. Just couldn't do it.

Same thing with Terrifier--I liked the original anthology film that spawned Art the Clown, but not so much his segment of it. Then the first Terrifier film came out, and I tried to get through it, and...Look. I don't mind slashers. I don't mind gore. But I do have to have some greater sense of character than "woke up this morning and decided to saw into people". I don't need much of a why past that, but I do need at least that.

I even figured, hey, if I'm lost, I'll go back, but let's jump directly to Terrifier 2, since Terrifier 3 had just dropped.

Big huge nope. I just don't like the character. And this is likely the year that cements not wanting to push my brain, because...it's dealing with enough.

Is it Halloween yet?

running out of time, better get out or get in

So, remember forever ago, when I said I'd be following up the /Vae Victis\ geta post with the rest of the shoes...that I've still been collecting, because I am an obsessive muffin...? Anyway, yeah, that's now starting to happen, but it'll be a while before it's all graphicked up for posting.

Something else did happen, though:



Ah, right. That thing I never celebrate came up. But this year I actually received an email from the Lindens?

And, of course, to follow that:



Yeah...For some reason the email, and in particular the image above, completely kicked the stuffing out of me for three weeks. No idea why. Maybe that I found myself appalled that the "average" SL resident visits 100 regions. That's almost criminal, the grid is WIDE. Same thing with the teleports.

But the last thing, I just do not believe. There have been times I thought I logged out, and didn't, and I come back to lots of blinking IM windows. Totally my bad. But I have never, not even once, left my computer on, running, and logged in 135 days. Not. Possible.

But the bigger reason I sunk into the tarn was...761. That's the number that's been ringing in my head, and it's more advanced now than in July, when the actual rez day, and the "My Year in SL" pic, happened.

That's over two years. I've had the Eternal Headache (and that name is comically apt at this point) for over two years.

And...that...that was kind of a lot.

So I'm working on remantling, and working--harder--on accepting the Headache is now a feature, not a bug. So goes all flesh, et cetera.



But hey! The Garden's been revised in Tannhauser Gate Station! That's good news, right?



Yep. Just peachy.

and you'll read your Erasmus on park lawns again

[19:45] Grimoire Hexem: no problem, sorry for the inconvenience
[19:46] ɐɹpuɐxǝlɐ (misssuicide.marshdevil): hi its me im the inconvenience its me :P

Soooo. The astute among you might have nooooticed a small change on the blog...in that it's reverted CLEAR BACK TO CONTEMPO so I have to start from scratch. I have one guy saying, hey, you could just convert to Wordpress, buy a cheap domain, I could host it for you--and while it sounds good, in theory, I don't think he understands exactly how much I'd have to port over. Some of the original blog images are already lost to time because I can't remember where I shunted them off to! Plus with hard drives dying right and left...it's a whole thing. A whole huge, ungainly thing.

But it will be fixed in time! I am working out how to do that since I managed to completely erase the changes I'd made to TRY and update the thing which hadn't worked so far and did I mention there's an anniversary I never wanted coming up? I am scarce but a fortnight from two...full...years...with the Eternal Headache.



Just so.

Well one other brief diversion:

[16:48] sxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: nice body
[16:48] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Thank you.

This was how "nice" the body was, by the way, when I was picking up something at Stiff. (Actually, strike that--this was the pic taken when I was at Dollholic.)

Then I got a friendship offer. So I pulled the profile.

The entirety of his SL bio is confusing:

I am Arab. an usa I like dealing with upscale people. I do not like dealing with people who are slaves to money. It is better for a person to be a slave to money than that.

So I asked. Of course.

[17:04] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Hmm. You really need a first life pic.
[17:04] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Now, is your 'slaves to money' line including shopping addiction, or do you mean, you're not crazy about anyone who spends Lindens in SL at all?

I didn't give him a ton of time to reply on this latter section, because I did have an elsewhere to be, as it happened.

[17:07] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): yeahokayfine, I'm needed in RL, so have a good diurnal/noctural span of time.

He's new, as in two-weeks-on-the-grid new, so I didn't want to spend the time it would take to really track down what about the Pripyat fashion doll he really loves, so let's just call it a weird moment and move on.

[[Note after publication from the Editrix: Few days later, I just switched the entire template back to basics and selected Soho Neon as the working template until I could figure out what to do next. Thing is...there may not be a next? I'd love to change the banner, and the background, but a friend told me my blog, which had been loading like molasses in winter for months, is now nearly instantaneous on load. So...we're here for now, I guess.]]

remember to breathe

I last posted in MAY?! Void stars, I'm losing my grip.

(Also, I still maintain Christianity would be on the rise if they listened to Reefer Madness's take...but I digress.)

So, what's going on? I am deeply delinquent on reviews. Events are opening at speed. It's getting darker, and I've forgotten what sun feels like on my skin.



In the meantime, a lot of thinking goes on when there's thinking at all, with intermittent static and snippets of strange commercials. But I'll try to do better about updates.

If I can.

(Oh, and this may be the first year in more years than I want to think about...where I don't cover Hair Fair at all. I have a lovely windblown long hair from Truth, and a starkly impractical, but beautiful, headdress from Azoury...and I only have those because a friend dragged me through one sim. So...yeah. Not getting that done is going on the pile with all the other things I'm not getting done.)

I have tangled things thoroughly, and I never meant to

Text of a card I just sent out to a love:

Sooo...I want this to be a short breezy capsule response, but...

Okay. Vague causes worry. So, I haven't fallen again, though there have been some near misses, but towards the end of Aprille there was a severe pain ramp-up. And I thought I could just wait it out, and then get back in touch with people.

And..Aprille became May. And May became mid-May. And pulling open the IM window so I can send this and/or talk to you...it's been over a month since I said anything!

I am so, so sorry. Yes, a lot of it can be attributed to just--head pain scatter, or concentration scatter, and I'm beginning to accept that these may be long-term things. But the bulk of it has been waiting--apparently in vain--for the pain levels to drop back down to...well. What I consider "normal". Normal it's not, but my usual state of ow-everything-hurts-why.

Along the way, I did talk my doc into a trial run of oxycodone. Unfortunately, I live in a town on the west coast that is considered "drug-seeking". I have done *everything* in my power not to have that label go into my file, up to and including taking the MOST conservative doses possible on new meds, and then ramping up--again, conservatively--on dosage if needed.

And I'm being insanely conservative with the oxy, too. I get 20 pills every time it's refilled, and if I took it according to package directions--"every six hours as needed for moderate pain"--I'd be refilling it every six or seven days. I'm only taking a pill when it's that or drink three cups of chamomile tea and go back to bed. And try to sleep.

But *all* of this is explanation, not excuse. I don't have one. I should have reached out, even if it was to say, 'hey, there's an incredible amount of ow, sorry I haven't been in touch'. I...well, as usual, I didn't want to worry people--which makes people worry more, and I really should connect the dots on those by now.

I love you. I'm sorry. Still working on the pain thing.

Em

hide away, they say, 'cos we don't want your broken parts

Yeah, so...remember that thing I was recovering from? You know, last year?

Yeah. I did it again.



So this is Em Faw Down Go Boom part III: Return of the Back Issues. Or something. I didn't outright fracture anything, nothing in the spine was broken or out of place, no cracks in the skull--just brain sloshy and pain.



Okay, no actual dying. Dying would hurt less--er, I mean...Rephrased, I have a concussion, I'm in a ton of pain, because I fell back and hit nearly full-on (some fun new muscle knots in the left side notwithstanding) to the back and the back of my skull. And while I would adore having the freedom to just get effective painkiller, the US is still reeling from the opiod crisis so everyone's scared to prescribe much beyond a leather belt to bite.

I didn't even injure myself in a thrilling story-type way--I was on my way out of the apartment, I hit the elevator button, then tried to throw my coat on--and felt myself falling backwards. And failed utterly to stop the fall.

I remember swearing, loudly, and hearing someone on the second floor say they heard a thump--next thing I know one of the attendants is looking at me, saying "Call 911!"

Like, don't get me wrong, I like the fact that we live so close to a fire station, I like the men and women who work there--I just don't like looking up at a ring of them, from the floor, for the third gorram time.

So. WILL do the shoes. Will also work up a thing for the latest tattoo release. But my time at the keys for anything--SL, computer, or straightening out the desk--is limited right now. I will get better, but I think the universe is tired of playing at this point. So yes, I will be more careful and yes, I will rest when I need to (which right now is many hours at a time), and I will do my best not to let this happen again. This month.

(Because I'd love to promise "until next year", but void stars, it's been three falls already, and I was still recovering from the first two!)



I'll get there. It's just put even more time between me and recovery than I had before, and I had a lot of time before this trip to the ER!

it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

I know. I know, okay? The last...if I'm being honest with myself...month has been...difficult.



Well...no. For a variety of reasons, including my brain's not useless, just hobbled, but mainly that if I actually hit my head on the desk, I'd scream and pass out.

Soooo. Part of the absence was, I got far too focused on finding high heels in SL, to compare them to the Daitengu all-but-stilts--(seriously, they pass so far into ridiculous that they circle around again into perversely amusing) and forgot that I didn't actually need to get (or demo) EVERY single fetish-height platform spike on the grid.

That's on me, I fully own that.

And there's--slowly, laboriously, I hate that building is so hard right now--rebuilding the Duchess' Garden in Tannhauser Gate--the new "origin" point to work out from being a set of giant redwood trees LOVE put out last week.

And last, the physical situation in RL...it is getting better, the upper tibial fracture healed, and at this point the dual hamstring injuries are, if not healed, substantially better...but there are still problems.



So yeah...lots going on, and I both need and want to get back to regular entries...or, well, entries at all...but it was becoming an overload condition on its own, the more days went by.

So, I am cutting my losses and will work on covering the stilts this week, and will pick up semi-regular coverage from there.

Including two AOs which I promised to cover...Yeah.



I'll get there. Everything's a process, right? Right.

starting 1st May, no bus will go here anymore

I can't find the thing.

Let me say that again, as it's vaguely important: I CAN'T FIND A SINGLE ONE OF THE PICTURES OF THE LAST THING I WAS GOING TO REVIEW. Worse? I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IN THE NINE HELLS IT WAS I WAS GOING TO REVIEW.

Add to that the frustration that I'm not already healed last week, getting a slight cold from the girl, local temps crashing, my own current dissatisfaction with my ability to Em...

Anyway. If nothing else, I needed to just get away from it all.



And tossing out the original review I had been planning entirely, whatever it was, and since I still haven't changed out of the outfit I was wearing two or three days back, I decided, we'll just pick something at random. Which turned out to be the "Elemiah" Illuminated Glass Halo from /Vae Victis\.



Also om nom nom broken bits.

I'm currently at the Snowbound hunt, looking for various baubles (in world, there's a glass ballroom with all the keys where you rez, or you can jump to Flickr for each maker's bauble color and number of prizes), and--of course and always--mourning my inability to buy Lindens. (Why is this such a constant state, Em? Oh, right, depression.) It ends January 21st, so a bit ouch if I don't get to things in time. Still. It's a pretty (and pretty crowded) build, overall.



And there's a train, so you know I'm happy. (Wrote that as "appy" first--and no, no, definitely not appy.)



But now I'm out of gingerdead coffee. Darn. Pepperminthe it is!

(Oh, by the way, if anyone feels like getting a belated gift card for coffee for yourself or a friend, or buying coffee for future me, even, Death Wish Coffee is a good one [I adore their Pumpkin Chai, it's just straight-up good spiced coffee, but their Dark Spirits Chocolate Rum Ball is also amazing]. If you're more into just good, unflavored coffee, Top of the Mornin' Coffee has a lot of really good blends--for dark roast lovers, I can't recommend their Midnight Oil blend enough. For fans of lighter roasts, give their High Noon a spin--that one's responsibly sourced, and organic! Also Dungeon Brew Coffee. [Looks like they have some of their Minty Magic blend still in stock.] I have a friend in Chicago [where one year his cat froze to his apartment window], so that tipped me to Hero Coffee, which bids to serve really excellent cups and donate to charity at the same time. And Many Worlds Tavern--they're not as stellar as Deathwish or Top of the Mornin', but they're good. And they're gamers, so occasionally they throw in dice! And I can't fail to mention Bones Coffee, because OMG, their White Chocolate Peppermint Bark is sooooo good, and I'm dying to try Sweet Tater Swirl, because--sweet potatoes? In COFFEE?!?)

(I'm not sponsored by any coffee company, just FYI. And I am far from a dedicated Q Grader. I just like coffee.)

Just for fun, I decided I wanted to see the minimum and maximum sizes in the halo. Here's the min:



And here's the max:



And it was so big I had to cheat a bit and raise my hover height to the absolute maximum, and then pull the camera way back, just to get it all in frame!



At any rate, I think that's about it. Grabbed a cup of hot chocolate from the next coffee shed I found, and have now found all five of the Winter Edition "Marbas" furs put out here. I'll be reviewing those soon, though at this point, with only one day left AAAAAAAH--you may have to hope to find the Marbas furs as a group gift later on!

made your mistakes and make me hurt

yes it's been forever since I've updated and my blog has been broken longer and I GAVE UP finally and went back to the old layout and I'll probably change my mind again and aaaaaaaahhh--

Reviews coming of very many things. No, really.

Stop laughing.

In injury news...



The orthopedist tells me the bone healed clean. Now, I just have to deal with the double hamstring injuries, which...now that we know what's going on...are s l o w l y starting to heal.

(I, of course, am being my usual relaxed, accepting, fully meditatively serene sort...which means I'm not resting as often as I should, pushing to walk more often than I should, and only elevating the legs at night, so...THAT'S going to work, yeah. Go me.)

So--things are going well! Or horribly. Maybe horribly well! Who knows?

I can't fix you

Drumroll please, the Duchess is BAAAA--

--wait. What's that word that means "back but only occasionally and Em still has to limp around once an hour and make whimpery sounds until likely January because no one's going to be doing physical therapy visits over the holidays"?

Oh, English doesn't have a word for that?

Well, damn.

In the meantime, let me present to you the horror.



The two footrests, while I was in residence, at least, never moved. Other footrests did. At one point we had four separate wheelchairs and ten separate footrests in various spots in the room.



A better close-up. Several of us swear these have to be the original curtains, because no one makes that shade anymore.



And one night, when it was exceptionally cold due to the big bay windows behind said gold curtains, I asked for a blanket...and they brought me one in avocado green.



I rest my case.

Off for walkies.

I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be

Hey, kids? Wanna know what's better than trying to human with a headache that never leaves? I'll tell you--trying to human with that headache and a fractured tibia!

It's...something, I guess.

Right now Em-beyond-the-screen's reality consists of:

1. Trying to put weight on the leg;
2. Trying to move and/or walk on the leg;
3. Trying to put weight on the leg AND walk on the leg.

Thrilling stuph, lemme tell you.

The lack of a computer, where all my graphics live, is also starting to make me twitch. Which also makes the leg hurt.

So...yeah. That's where we are. I am so, so tired of the original 1970s everything here, too. You think I'm kidding, but the curtains are Harvest Gold, the striped wooden seats--one in gold pinstriping with teak-stained wood, the other a wine, gold and black wider-striped affair--that chair looks like cherry wood, and who knows, it might not be staining, but actually teak and cherry wood!

And I don't remember the pattern name--it was something like Sunshine Meadow or Meadow Gold--but it's covering the floor, authentic sheet linoleum.

Don't get me wrong--I want to be here. I want to get stronger. I want to do the work. But everything hurts, and walking feels like knives stabbing my feet, and even laying down is a challenge, because at some point, the leg with the fracture will move, or shift, or muscle fibers will pull....just...Argh.

Or maybe auurrooolllgh... One of those.

But onward through the frogs, or something.

who by high ordeal, who by common trial

<i>(Obviously, this is going to be more RL than most blog posts.)</i><br />

<br />

You want some solid, white-knuckle action? We're talking high stress, low coping, chewing fingernails to the elbows insanity?<br />

<br />

Break a bone at the end of a holiday month. Extra points for the month following to be December. A <i>savage</i> amount of points additional if you're also an internet addict and nearly everything you like to <i>do</i> online involves the computer you no longer have access to.<br />

<br />

Challenge rating impossible if all the advent calendars start tomorrow.<br />

<br />

<img src="https://i.ibb.co/8rwm5gt/goddamn-it-intensifies-Danny.gif" alt="goddamn-it-intensifies-Danny" border="0"><br />

<br />

So...<i>obviously</i>...I'm not going to be around in SL until this thing resolves. I'm on official hiatus from Vae Victis until net presence increases. I may have to reschedule a surgery because I'm stuck in physical rehabilitation.<br />

<br />

I am just having <i><b>SO MUCH FUN Y'ALL</b></

I>...<br />

I'll post updates when I can, but "not a happy bitch" seems to be the steady state.<br />

<br />