it's just your shadow on the floor

(This section was written on July 11th...)

Great. Sat myself down today after oversleeping, and told myself sternly I was not going to log into SL until I did at least one of two things:

1. I get the blog template fixed; or
2. I finish coding the Lucent horns entry.

(Ended up never finishing either one and logged in anyway...but the below few frustrating days did NOT help, to be sure.)

And guess what happened? I learned imgbb was BROKEN!!

Won't deliver any linking codes, and I can work with a lot, gang, but if I can't even get the direct image links to code by hand, I'm dead. Dead dead.



(Which I had to upload using a NEW linking service and just MORE OF ALL THE WHY--)

So, hey, how about some links while I wait? Scientists have discovered a way to recreate Egyptian blue pigment.

And this drummer is so amazing, I had to look him up. He's Timothy Fletcher_ on TikTok. Just phenomenal.

And I think her name's WhyJordie on both TikTok and YouTube, but she has a semi-crippling (and real) set of phobias, among them thassalophobia (fear of the deep sea and creatures therein), megalophobia (fear of large structures anywhere, above or below water), automatonophobia (fear of animatronics, or it can also cover statues and mannequins), and let's not forget her deep, abiding terror regarding submechanophobia (fear of submerged anything, but traditionally large sunken ships, buildings, or flightcraft), and she's added the quirk of also being traumatized by large ship chains, and large ship propellers).

I seriously don't have space to link everything. Thing is, she is a deeply terrified person, this is true--but she's also a fan of horror, and likes being afraid. (Totally get that, it's why I specifically pay for a monthly Shudder subscription.) She's engaging to watch, funny, witty--there can be worse things than someone virtually holding your hand while you both freak out at a shared visual.

(And that's as far as I got before leaving in in drafts f o r e e e v e r r r ...Oh, and let's not forget yesterday's joy, on the first of Septus '25, illustrated below:



(So yeah. Apologies for worrying m'friends [and loves] over the past, uh...FIVE MONTHS?!??...I'm working on it.)

(And the blog template's still not fixed. I may give up.)

but the railroad track will bring me back when the lonesome whistle cries

[[Insert, belatedly, from the Editrix: I'm getting there.]]



I TOLD myself, I was not going to leave without blogging SOMETHING, because dear gods...February?! Was the last time I did??

Ignoring the eight unposted drafts, I may post them, I may not, they weren't "official"... whatevers...

Then THREE DAYS WENT BY...



So I told myself I was going to run all the shots so I could work on it offline! And...I spent the next two days largely unconscious. I....I Hate. This. Brain thing. SO much.

But okay. Okay okay fine, it's only been nearly a week, I'm still on...some kind...of track...and now I have pictures!

.........

And from two to now (7:26 pm PST), I have just been editing pictures. And they're calling me off for dinner.

I....I Hate. This. Brain thing. SO. Much.



HEY GUESS HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIX THE BLOG GUYS
GIVE ANOTHER TWO WEEKS *AT LEAST* TO FIGURING OUT THIS IMAGE WAS MISSING
DID I MENTION I HATE MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW?!

So expect a full review. Soon. At, uh...some point.



Also I really need to figure out what to do with the now four staggered half-complete builds floating over Cardew that were meant to be a new store....

AND THE BLOG CODE IS STILL BROKEN....

It...it...yeah. I'll get there. At some point.

everything falls out of focus, you walk through the door

So I'm frantically trying to get through as much as possible of the Shop and Hop before I fold up for the time being (and yes, I know, I KNOW, I should have been done by now!) and finally reached Aluveaux Technologies. And their gift--shown below--is a universal door plug-in:



And I got all excited. Granted, Tannhauser Gate Stations has iris doors, but still! Sounded potentially neat!



Okay! They put up a build, showing how the doors work! Though, come to think...this one doesn't seem to have doors in it...



Oh. ...Oh. Well, that's...unfortunate...

So some bugs in the system yet. Pity.

remember to breathe

I last posted in MAY?! Void stars, I'm losing my grip.

(Also, I still maintain Christianity would be on the rise if they listened to Reefer Madness's take...but I digress.)

So, what's going on? I am deeply delinquent on reviews. Events are opening at speed. It's getting darker, and I've forgotten what sun feels like on my skin.



In the meantime, a lot of thinking goes on when there's thinking at all, with intermittent static and snippets of strange commercials. But I'll try to do better about updates.

If I can.

(Oh, and this may be the first year in more years than I want to think about...where I don't cover Hair Fair at all. I have a lovely windblown long hair from Truth, and a starkly impractical, but beautiful, headdress from Azoury...and I only have those because a friend dragged me through one sim. So...yeah. Not getting that done is going on the pile with all the other things I'm not getting done.)

made your mistakes and make me hurt

yes it's been forever since I've updated and my blog has been broken longer and I GAVE UP finally and went back to the old layout and I'll probably change my mind again and aaaaaaaahhh--

Reviews coming of very many things. No, really.

Stop laughing.

In injury news...



The orthopedist tells me the bone healed clean. Now, I just have to deal with the double hamstring injuries, which...now that we know what's going on...are s l o w l y starting to heal.

(I, of course, am being my usual relaxed, accepting, fully meditatively serene sort...which means I'm not resting as often as I should, pushing to walk more often than I should, and only elevating the legs at night, so...THAT'S going to work, yeah. Go me.)

So--things are going well! Or horribly. Maybe horribly well! Who knows?

I can't fix you

Drumroll please, the Duchess is BAAAA--

--wait. What's that word that means "back but only occasionally and Em still has to limp around once an hour and make whimpery sounds until likely January because no one's going to be doing physical therapy visits over the holidays"?

Oh, English doesn't have a word for that?

Well, damn.

In the meantime, let me present to you the horror.



The two footrests, while I was in residence, at least, never moved. Other footrests did. At one point we had four separate wheelchairs and ten separate footrests in various spots in the room.



A better close-up. Several of us swear these have to be the original curtains, because no one makes that shade anymore.



And one night, when it was exceptionally cold due to the big bay windows behind said gold curtains, I asked for a blanket...and they brought me one in avocado green.



I rest my case.

Off for walkies.

lock it safe in an urnful of summer

Wanted to push to get at least ONE post out, and whilst doing that, decided to wander an event I hadn't finished yet, and whilst doing THAT, decided to say hello to a dear friend...

Three days ago, things were terrible. Two days ago, things were terrible. Yesterday, things were grindingly awful but for a couple bright spots--talking to you being one of them. And today my system is still reeling from the past three days of leading-up-to, and then actually-having, a crushing migraine, to the point that my entire system fought getting out of bed due to ow. I'm hoping it's going to get better from here?

...and then backspaced ALL of that to say

[15:20] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) says hello as she's wandering a random event.

I mean...I'm not outright lying,exactly, I'm just not...going into everything?



I know. I KNOW. But...it gets tiring answering The Question some days. I'm trying to be accurate while also not dragging everyone's mood down, y'know?

AKA, Em is Trying to Find the Balance. Or maybe balance in general.

"There's no right way to forgive a person who hurt you." Also known as Ladyknighthebrave's take on Mike Flanagan's A Haunting of Hill House. And it's a miniseries that has a lot to say, on a lot of topics, but Ladyknight's take on it, I think, is sound for the material. It's an hour of how we, as individual beings, process trauma, but also...how we, as families, process trauma.

And in the meantime, processing through new realities and new issues and trying to sort everything out. And still only a couple haunts for the year under my belt. Agh.

right in your space, I just walk through your door, but I'm still so far away

The oddity of SL:

[23:40] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yeah, I have no idea how I combined Em's original measurements, and spacing on the RL face, and got Emilia Clarke.

Nevertheless, still in winter, dreaming of spring, so let's talk the redo of the Pillar of Inun from /Vae Victis\.



Out comes the pouty elven glitch, because this set used to lack EvoX support, and now it has. So this is "Automa" in Gold, for mesh bodies with EvoX heads. Now, application is seamless and precisely in place--before, with the earlier set I had, I had to juggle layers until I hit the right combination that would texture Maitreya body, system head. I will grant, this IS easier.



This is "Dium" in Abyssal--it's the same pattern, but this time the gorget is textured in magma tones of burnt rock and laval flow.



This is "Huld" in Purple, and so far, I know this is going to be one of my favorites from this set. Stark metal blacks and charcoals, with details picked out in ultraviolet tones.


This is "Invi" in Delirium, with a close-up of the side patterning, and how far the gorget rises to the lower cheeks.



This one, "Le'er" in Crystal, really goes with the background I chose for these pictures, which, as it happens, is somewhere in the Fairelands Junction. Serves me right for thinking the Junction had a solid port-in point.



And finally, the "Vitii" in Blood.

There are--in the fatpack--thirteen different shades for the EvoX update, and two "bonus" shades additionally, which are not rigged for EvoX (as shown above, the "Bris" in Delirium which amused me greatly. The other bonus shade is "Tene".)

As it's an update of an existing product, it's at the mainstore, and you can make it your very own for L$450!

and now you use confession as the proof

SL is in a strange, strange place. From the [Sweet Slave] chat (non-anonymized for both convenience and because it's short):

[16:00] PantherCat (panthercat2): hi, is there anything you can buy here with teh credit except the Naima fatpack? even the singles of items are not purchasable
[16:00] Calsey Lefèvre (ymirjaw): right click, select menu
[16:00] Jo Wolf (johnwolf79): no idea, sorry
[16:01] PantherCat (panthercat2): Yes Ive ben doing that and I am familiar with how the credit and menus work at Sweet Slave, it just seems the items you can buy are less and less
[16:01] Calsey Lefèvre (ymirjaw): i didnt have an issue with it.
[16:02] Calsey Lefèvre (ymirjaw): hope some one can help you
[16:02] PantherCat (panthercat2): what did you buy with the credit Calsey?

Seems simple, right? Why am I quoting this?

Because I wasn't in the group.



See what's odd about that? It's a group chat window. But there's no profile icon.

So I clicked one of the names, Calsey's, as it turns out, and pulled open the actual group profile:



Clearly, I have not joined this group.

What's going on?

she's a big boy now, she's a big boy

Huh. Yesterday I got a notice from Blogger, saying that one of my entries has been placed behind a content warning. It's from 2018--I think whatever damage it may have caused, it's caused it already.

Then today, I get another notice saying this post has also been placed behind a cautionary "adult content" screen. Bwuh? That one's even older--it's from 2010!



What's going on??

unravel the world, I'm not what I was then

By now readers have noticed the chaotic changes of colors, templates, and graphics on the wee blog. About a week and a half ago, my chosen layout corrupted, for some reason. It's been...difficult, that's a good word, difficult...to find a new one that does what I need it to do without tweaking.

This one's the closest to something I can nod and say 'done nao' for, but...you can still carve what I understand about CSS on a thumbnail and have room to spare. So I am trying to fix it...which with the head is not easy...and I'll get there.

Eventually.

we live in a world someone else imagined

Pinterest contacted me today...

Hi Emilly,

It was bold in the original, I just kept it.

We recently removed a Pin from your "Unhallows" board because it goes against our Community Guidelines on self-injury and harmful behavior.

And that was when my brain dropped out through my open jaw, because...I have two Hallowe'en boards. "Vintage Halloween" is the more retro board, with everything from print-outs to tutorials on crafting haunted items. "Unhallows" is the more purely horror board, the place for everything unnerving, disturbing, skin-crawling...probably more '-ing', and...how...is that going to hold up to a sudden ToS change??

We limit the distribution of or remove content that displays, rationalizes or encourages suicide, self-injury, eating disorders or substance abuse. This content impacts the community - it can be triggering, or reinforce harmful behavior. These rules apply to all Pins, including ones on your secret boards.

I have no secret boards.

Please take some time to go through your Pins and remove any that may conflict with our policies, or we may take further action against your account.

I've spent the morning in between making appointments and meeting appointments of my own in applying the broadest definitions possible, just in case. Bleeding from the mouth? Gone. Bleeding from the eyes? Probably okay, but...if it's a large amount, gone. ANYTHING to do with wrist ribbons, wrist stitches, wrist wounds, EVEN IF IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SUICIDAL IDEATION...gone. I'm not even a third of the way through yet.

I'm still debating just dumping every single image with visible wounds anywhere.

The thing that frustrates me about these strikes, though, the thing that has always frustrated me about these strikes...is they no longer tell me what they've struck down. They used to, a few years back--and that information is kind of key to figuring out whether I want to challenge the strike or not? Because easily 70% of everything on Pinterest, for everyone, is relinked material. There is a very high noise-to-signal ratio.

How do I know if what I linked is bad, if you won't show me what I linked? How do I learn from my mistake if you won't tell me what it was?

"Why are you still on Pinterest?" asked Neome. My love, I am starting to wonder myself. A few years back they also made linking anything on the site that wasn't just pure image (which you had to open as a new tab and link THAT URL only) impossible, because now, when anyone clicks one of the links of mine (and you may even see it if you click the two boards I linked above), it takes them to the page--and then immediately greys out the page and a full-screen popup tells you how easy it is to create an account. It's become worse than useless for passing information on in any direction save back to Pinterest.

Apparently Elliot Management owns the company now, which is odd, because as this article says, they're more known for "activism", and as their own website says:

The firm employs a multi-strategy trading approach that encompasses a broad range of strategies, including, without limitation: equity-oriented, private equity and private credit, distressed securities, non-distressed debt, hedge/arbitrage, real estate-related securities, commodities trading and portfolio volatility protection.

...Right.

Maybe it's time to batchfile everything in a 'save these links' file and just kill my account.

dark necessities are part of my design

up on Melancholy Hill, there's a plastic tree
are you here with me?



I don't...I've never been able to un-love, easily. There are nights I envy those who can throw others aside blithely; that's never been me. I love until it's--emotionally, psychologically, sometimes physically--beaten out of me, and even then...I love, but distantly. I love, but I know I've lost. I love, but I mourn.

"just looking out on the day of another dream
where you can't get what you want, but you can get me



Tonight has a flavor of more, because there has been another loss. It's not just the one I can't have; it's the one bright, shining spark who deserved more time. But can't we all say that, at some point? Still, Ktahdn has passed, and it hit me hard enough I can't imagine the level of grieving for those closer. He was...art with a pulse, in a lot of ways. Living thread of music and sculpture and words. And he will be missed.

so let's set out to sea, love
'cause you are my medicine when you're close to me
when you're close to me



In the interim of hearing the news, and feeling the loss of presence, if nothing else, of a lot of loves...I've been building. I finally finished the shore path I started in 2021 and never got back to. Now it leads from the front of the garden, down to the Fish and Whistle, the new pub by the fishing area. Linkages slowly forming, day by day. And the island in the Dark Sea got leveled in a mis-click, so...I raised a new one. But before, it was a gentle swell of curve, and now...well. Now it's an imposing bluff. Bit higher than I intended.

so call in the submarines, 'round the world we'll go
does anybody know, love
if we're looking out on the day of another dream?



Still, now it has a path too. It's a bit trickier coming down, than going up, because of the steep angle, but that's also why there's a fence. So no one falls off who doesn't want to.

Sometimes everyone falls, though, in spite of our best intentions.

if you can't get what you want, then you come with me



At the top it's much the same as it was before--sheltering trees, a place to stop and rest, the drifting fog between the standing stones. I removed the memorial that used to be up there, as well--though that was designed by Alia for Finn, when he passed, so...maybe it's time that returns. Not sure yet.

up on Melancholy Hill
sits the manatee, love



In other removalist news, there's only one thing left on the Krakenstorm sim, and after the owner of that ship is contacted, and removes it, it will likely be returning to the Linden mists. Though there has been a nibble of interest in renting it--we'll see where that goes, but honestly, I think we'll end up losing it. Going from five sims, down to three, now that New Alexandria's renter has moved on. Passages, transitions, losses. We're in the thick of them.

just looking out for the day when you're close to me
when you're close to me



The one bit of good news in all of this--Darkmere rises, and its denizens return. Which is kind of funny--its duke and master has been a friend for so long, but he'd wandered from the grid for several years. Still, when he returned, word went out, and his people joined him. And I'd met only a handful, once or twice, most I never met in all those long years between the then, and the now, but--they've become some of the joys of my virtual life. Scrim Pinion is such a talent, and he, like Violet, always introduces me to some new song, or new musical group, that then I must dig up and learn more about. Lilly his lovely wife, quieter, gothically amused, but also a joy to spend time with. Diana their reprobate third, eternally searching for new shops (an affliction I share) and the highest of surfaces to sit upon (an affliction I don't). Mourna, shy but present, Vertigo, all fire and electric energy, Charlemagne the genuinely maddened, but in good ways...and still the likeliest candidate to crash a sim on pure accident...(Scrim calls Chaz' inventory a level one cognitohazard. He's likely not wrong. Chaz reminds me palpably of Stiv of the before times, the long-lost dead god of Enigma)...and all the rest...They're good people. Fun people. Funny, not infrequently. And most of them had left the grid, too.

Suppose that shows you the pull one person can have.

when you're close to me...

Now I just need to find ways to lessen the pull.

(The song lyrics used are from "On Melancholy Hill", of course, by the Gorillaz, from the Plastic Beach album released in 2010. Though this one might also be apropos...even if I can't figure out if I'm him, or her, in this scenario. Maybe I'm both...which is far from comforting.)

you were my lesson I had to learn, I was your fortress you had to burn

This one goes back a ways. I can't remember if I blogged about this before, but early on in the pandemic, I put together a list of simple recipes for new home cooks, as well as virtual exploration destinations for folks trapped at home. That was clear back in 2020.

This put me on some kind of...list.

I got three messages from Lish Babela, one in December of 2021, the following two in January of 2022, two weeks apart, recommending her site's list of virtual museum tours in Singapore. But it didn't stop there.

Mary Pauline Maido let me know she had a site of virtual museum tours in Ireland in January of 2022. Then Katrina Lapid sent me a set of virtual tours of New Zealand. That was in February of 2022. She sent another email twice in March of 2022 with the same exact information.

In Aprille of 2022, she emailed me again. I just wasn't sure what to say. Then I got an email from Apple Smith...and got incensed.

While we have transitioned to a new normal and can finally go out and about, some of us are still homebound.

We can 'finally go out and about'? I don't know about your region, Apple, but where I live? People are still dropping in place. We still have eight hundred deaths on average a week, and over one thousand new cases a day just in my county and the county next door, let along the rest of the state. This is NOT over, and I highly resent your chipper, breezy conviction.

The [blog entry] you shared have given readers a timeless way to be active and productive. You also brought them to places at the comfort of their homes with the tours!

This would have been a comfort to hear, were it not preceded by the blind arrogance of the first sentence. As it is, I do not think you're speaking sincerely, and I wish you'd stop speaking to me.

They can also visit “The Couve” through our well-curated Virtual Tours in Vancouver, where we’ve personally picked only the best! It’s a one-stop page for all the great places they can visit from museums to art galleries and more.

Great. Linked. Anything else?

This is gonna be a fun trip!

Die on fire,

Best,

Apple Smith

I hope your favorite book is made into a hugely popular film with a terrible cast by Uwe Boll.

Is everyone HAPPY NOW?!? I'm crawling back under my rock and blocking you all if you write me again. Dear gods.

heart is a storybook, a star burned out

Sometimes, love dies from abuse. Sometimes, love dies from neglect. Sometimes, love dies from absence.



And sometimes...love doesn't die at all, and we just wish it would...



I've been here before.

And it never gets easier.



I asked him today for a hug. Well, no, let me be precise--I said I would ask him for a hug, but I didn't know if that would offend him.

I got back the lines of severance sent by someone else, the new ban firmly nailed in place.

I guess that's his answer.



Maybe it's a good thing, knowing that another fracture in my heart won't destroy me. Maybe it's a good thing that I know how to shore up the weak spots, and continue on. Maybe it's a good thing I know how to operate under stress.

Or maybe these are all terrible things, and they're just familiar to me.

I don't know anymore.



But this is where we are, I guess. No repairing what's broken, ever. No discussion. No further contact. No...more. No more anything.

And I get to be the pillow over the face of love, quietly smothering it until it gives up and stops kicking...while my brain protests there has to be another way, and my heart screams it's not supposed to be this way at all.



Well, I agree. It's not. But here we are. And here, we unfortunately stay.

And the walls go up, and the gates within will be reinforced, and the list of those that have access to anything past the courtyard will be narrowed further...

But, to use a phrase I loathe...it is what it is. And I have to accept it for what it is. And find a way to move forward from here...

don't get near me, I'll only sear your skin, in the state I'm in

And then, another night fell, a darker day dawned...



I am not at all happy to have you back.



I suppose I should at least thank you for the warmth...



It's been mentioned recently that I court my own destruction to reinforce my brand. Which is laughable, in one sense, but...I have based this entire blog on emotional pain. Am I truly surprised that it then keeps...cropping...up?

The question now is...how do I change that?



And I am so, so very tired...



Maybe I can push it back through the mirror. Think there's a chance of that?



In the meantime, this is where we are. Hagalaz, the rain of hail. The eye of the storm. Crisis, catastrophe, the emergence of the shadow to stain the light...The acceptance of the unalterable.

That's depressing.

Spun out to get here, spun out once I leave, the intensity for current pain inflicted, to ensure the lack of pain in future. And the chill in the air grows...Hagall brings it all to my door. With the tenuous hope of crops to feed the soul in future...if I accept the upheaval of now.

I never wanted this upheaval. But here I am again, anyway. Best to find more coal, the way this thing is burning.

At least one good thing happened today. It's something to smile about, at least. There may be precious little of that for a while...

what strangе claws are these, scratching at my skin?

The only peace at present...planting new blooms and cultivating magic circles in On Sea...It's something to do, at least.

you have to understand that the one I killed is me

the sky is a neighborhood
so keep it down...

I'm here again. Why am I here again? Why is there never enough air when I'm here?



heart is a storybook
a star burned out...

I wander funereal zones, feeling half-buried myself. Everything is far too loud in my head, and far, far too quiet outside it.



the sky is a neighborhood
don't make a sound
lights comin' up ahead
don't look now--

I seek out the wild places, hoping to find calm. I seek out memorials to tell myself I am not the only one suffering loss, but...it's only depressing me further. I'm...stuck.



oh, my dear, heaven is a big bang now
gotta get to sleep somehow
bangin' on the ceiling
bangin' on the ceiling
keep it down--

Even going through a haunted maze didn't cheer me up. This is...bad.



mind is a battlefield
all hope is gone
trouble to the right and left
whose side you're on?

Breathing ash again...this is familiar. The torn and bloodied sky. Very familiar. And every time, every single time I think I can park the train forever and just leave it to rust...the train wreck comes roaring back towards me.

And I'm still naive enough to be surprised.



thoughts like a minefield
I'm a tickin' bomb
maybe you should watch your step
don't get lost

Playing tag with past ghosts...I've been here before, too. Pain always echoes, especially this soul-deep.



heart is a storybook
a star burned out
somethin' comin' up ahead
don't look now--

We're told, when we can't see the solution to something where we are, to change our perspective. It doesn't seem to be working. Maybe the change needs to be deeper, this time. Maybe it needs to alter me, not just my view.



oh, my dear, heaven is a big bang now
gotta get to sleep somehow
bangin' on the ceiling
bangin' on the ceiling
keep it down...

I don't know what forms will come out of this. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe it's just going to be the walls don't come down, again, and...there's something in that that's kin to swallowing acid, because--I fought so hard, for years, to dismantle them. But maybe better boundaries are needed.

Because I'm feeling less sane by the moment, so...reconfiguration, of some sort. It's coming.

the sky is a neighborhood...

I just don't know how much it's going to hurt.

(Lyrics taken from The Sky is a Neighborhood by the Foo Fighters, off their album Concrete and Gold. Otherwise, the entry was written to Everything is Moving So Fast by Great Lake Swimmers, The Long One by the Beatles {[which as a remix comprises You Never Give Me Your Money, Sun King, Mean Mr. Money, Her Majesty, Polythene Pam, She Came Through the Bathroom Window, Golden Slumbers, Carry That Weight, and The End], Spirit in the Sky by KEiiNO, Evil by Interpol, and Crooked Still's Ain't No Grave. Shots taken in Caledon On Sea, Atheneum, the Endless Graveyard, the Dollhouse Forest, Living Echoes, and Mythspire Ridge. [Atheneum, Living Echoes and Mythspire being Fantasy Faire sims this year.])