are you only on my mind 'cause I need help?

(Note from the Editrix: obviously, this is one of the entries that was written before the one posted on the 21st. Just FYI.)



when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
same mistakes again, for you?
when will I learn to lock my heart so it doesn't break again, no
doesn't break again in two

Another night, another sim, another fire that feels cold compared to the heat under my skin.

I should’ve known, shoulda known by now
that I was always gonna come back around
back in the day you know you let me down
thought maybe I’d finally figured you out, ‘cause--

You'd think I'd be used to this by now. That it would have gotten boring.

Maybe it is, and I just haven't caught on yet.



you said that things would be different
but all that turns out to be fiction
breaking dishes in the kitchen, walking on glass, babe
you say it's space that your needing, I say forget it, I’m leaving

And there are never answers from the moon, even when the moon was closer than this. The moon's no longer in my sky.

but history keeps on repeating
when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
same mistakes again for you
when will I learn to lock my heart so it doesn’t break again, no
doesn’t break again in two

The lesson, I am told--repeatedly--is that I won't learn to stop making the mistakes, but to become perceptive enough to catch them sooner. Which is great, really, so--when is that going to happen?



when will I learn that I, I can do better,
I can do better, much better than you
when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
over and over again over and over again

It's not a question of better or worse. It's not even really a question of obedience, I'm very committed to obedience. It's that the signposts I thought might be in the distance...Well. They've gotten closer. They're no longer a possible, they're a definite. And they say exactly what I thought they would.

Feared they would.

And there's no way off the road.

I’m all out of new words to say
running on empty out of reasons to stay
my friends told me it would go this way
they call me stupid when I say that you’ve changed, but--

So what am I looking for in all the traveling? I can't even say it's answers, really, because my answers are going to come from within or without, when it's time; I have no control over that end of the process. I'm more looking for...temporary. Temporary patches, temporary fixes, temporary distractions, temporary ways to pull me out of my head.



you said that things would be different
but all that turns out to be fiction
but history keeps on repeating

Because all the gods know, I'm not going to find any help inside this skull.

when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
same mistakes again for you
when will I learn to lock my heart so it doesn’t break again, no
doesn’t break again in two

Or maybe it has nothing to do with mind, but body. That's a possibility. Find something to distract the body...entirely from overthinking...that doesn't leave new scars.

Tall order.



when will I learn that I, I can do better
I can do better, much better than you
when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
over and over again over and OVER again--

Underwater again, and this is becoming a theme. Brought the train up only to fall under the surface again. Is there a lesson here I'm missing? I mean, it's pretty, don't get me wrong, and the rules under the waves are different enough they do neatly distract me...but only for small amounts of time.

I should know better, I should know better
I should know better, tell me why
I can’t remember, I can’t remember, the way it hurts me every time

Past pattern reflective, haven't I said that before? Breakups and shakeups, haven't I had those before? Is there anything in the adult end of my life that isn't repeating?

Don't I ever learn from anything?



when will I learn that I, I can do better
I can do better, much better than you
when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
over and over again over and OVER AGAIN--

And there is no altar to any god I've ever met that can wrap this up neatly for me in an understandable way.

There was something that happened at a religious conference, once...I was attending an open Candomblé ritual, since I didn't know precisely how it differed from voudon ones I'd attended--but it turned out I was wrong on the precise name, and it was an open Yoruba ritual.

The rider for Yemọja drifted over, and looked me intently in the face. The drums were hot, bodies were moving, the smell of salt and skin and sea was dizzying, but still she watched me.

"Child," she said. "Come down. You are so far away. Come join the people."

And I looked around, at the hotel conference room packed with bodies, all shades, all states of dress and undress, reaching, dancing, kneeling, crying, laughing--and I just raised my arms, gesturing to the room.

"I'm here, Mother. I'm right here."

And she just shook her head. "No, you're up on the mountain. You need to come join us." And she withdrew into the crowd, and the rider collapsed, shaking, and she was patted with a towel and given water and seated in a corner, and I just stood there, wondering what had happened.



when will I learn to stop me making the same mistakes again
same mistakes again for you
when will I learn to lock my heart so it doesn’t break again, no
doesn’t break in two

Maybe I still don't know. Maybe I only think I've come down the mountain. Maybe I'm still far from the people.

But if so, I no longer know how to get to them. If they're not where I can see, where are they? And if I'm not where I can be seen, where am I?

And ultimately, will it help with coping, because that is the ultimate question behind every statement at present. Because if it won't, maybe I don't want to come down at all.

(Pictures taken at the Knife's Edge, Mindgardens, Overlook, La Lune Parish, the UPR Forest Reserve, Undead Darkness, New Haven by Night, Dark Sanctuary of the Red Forest and Death by Moonlight. Lyrics are from Paloma Faith's Mistakes.)

so it's gonna be forever or it's gonna go down in flames

There are times I love my new job at Sakura, and then there are times like these, when it baffles me beyond all comprehension.

[12:56] Emilly Orr: Greetings again.

I had met this fellow all but once previously, when he ported up to my skybox without my asking and I had to grab a towel quickly and turn the shower off. It was an odd introduction, to be sure.

[13:00] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Sxxx Cxxxxxxx] was talking about you
[13:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you addicted him
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and that he lost sleep thinking about you
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Oh, my.
[13:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really shouldnt do that to men
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I'm honestly surprised I did.

I looked up the name given, and...I honestly have no memory of the man. If he was a client, I'm sure I only saw him once, but...once isn't enough to addict someone, is it?

[13:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: his wife has left him

What? Wait, no, what? How, exactly, am I responsible for this?

[13:05] Emilly Orr blinks
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I had nothing to do with that.
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me that you made him feel so addicted
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he had to confess to his wife
[13:07] Emilly Orr: I'd heard none of this.

Because really, this is going a tad bit far, isn't it?

[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it only happened one hour ago
[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she left him
[13:09] Emilly Orr: I can't imagine how I made such a large impression on him.

I really can't. For certain, were it one of my patrons with whom I've invested time, attention, and seen more than simply once...perhaps, perhaps it would be possible to...to...well, entice them easily, let's say. I do not believe I can addict people with just a kiss!

[13:09] Emilly Orr: You're sure it was me?
[13:09] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: certain, he told me the details
[13:10] Emilly Orr mislikes sounding cold, but there's no image on his profile. She isn't placing a face to the name.
[13:10] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh gosh
[13:12] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he showed me the text

Well, that proves it, doesn't it? Save...what text? Obviously, text I haven't seen. How do I defend myself if I don't know what's been said?

[13:12] Emilly Orr: And of a certainty, if he had spoken to me about these feelings, there were things that could be done without him detonating his life.
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you took his soul
[13:13] Emilly Orr: I did not.

I didn't, you take that back! Besides, I only have one soul, and the vampire who gave it to me gave it willingly. I doubt he truly misses it, anyway.

[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel really nervous talking to you now
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: after I learned about the effect you had on him
[13:14] Emilly Orr: Because you fear I'm some sort of ...of evil enchantress, or something?
[13:16] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, a Succubus
[13:16] Emilly Orr: Preposterous.

Very preposterous. I mean, I have been called an evil enchantress, but I've never taken that seriously. And succubus?

...Well, there was that one time in Lumindor when the magics in the area turned, and demonic power rose, but...I got over that. And I mostly blame the succubus-seeming on one certain incubus I'd known of old, so...

[13:17] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you make me feel very nervous now
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what you are capable of with men
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but he is deeply troubled

Hmm. If he was that deeply troubled, why didn't he talk to me about it? This is too odd.

[13:19] Emilly Orr: This is all very strange. Plus, remember, I did not entice you into my web of entrapping...whatever, you came to me. Literally, poofed over my head whilst I was in the shower!
[13:19] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that was before I heard his tale of woe
[13:22] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you can't entrance people that way

Wait...so, he was full-on in future seduction mode until he heard about this guy? One story--which may or may not be true--and now I'm anathema. I'm so confused.

[13:22] Emilly Orr: Prove this to me. I would not ask for a complete chat transcript, but something where he mentions me specifically would help.
[13:23] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please dont ask this of me
[13:24] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am already troubled by his plight

I am beginning to suspect this didn't actually happen...

[13:24] Emilly Orr: But how else do I know this is true? There's no picture on his profile. Perhaps if you have a photo of him, that might help?
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you must have a sense of the effect you have on certain types of men
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: this poor guy was married to a boring wife
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and you set him on fire with desire

I did? One session? If that's true, mayhap I should charge more. Or require signed consent forms.

[13:26] Emilly Orr: Should I apologize to him?
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I would just leave it be to be honest
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I will talk him through things

Of course you will. Because he may not actually exist. (Save for he does have a profile. With no picture. Hmm...)

[13:27] Emilly Orr: Well, this entire thing is so very confusing.
[13:28] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please be careful around vulnerable men
[13:29] Emilly Orr: How on earth am I to know they're vulnerable beforehand??
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know the answer to that

I'd bet not. But I am now wondering about putting up a sign in my studio at Sakura, saying that I am not responsible for any feelings of obsession or addiction that may arise from time spent with me. Would that work?

[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but this guy was truly spellbound by you
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was like he was walking around in a trance

Really? One hour with me, and he's a thrall, a husk with no will of his own? Really??

[13:32] Emilly Orr: Well, this is both perplexing and slightly unnerving.
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know what he told me?
[13:32] Emilly Orr: What?
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you "took his soul"
[13:33] Emilly Orr: I do not take souls.

I don't. As I said before, I only have the one, and that was given to me. I don't ask for them, I don't remove them, I don't take them, and I certainly don't make men into zombies that cannot function. I mean, what's the point in that?

[13:33] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was his interpretation of what happened ... all is interpretation you know that
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Of course, but...In all seriousness, if he was that addicted, as you say, why have I never heard of him since?

I mean, if one were a tormented, impassioned soul slaved to my wicked wiles...wouldn't you think he'd at least IM me now and again?

[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: when I met you
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the first time [13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt your aura, your power
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and it slightly unnerved me
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Unnerved you?

What am I, Anita Blake??

[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because I knew if I took one step towards you
[13:35] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it would be so difficult to step back
[13:36] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: You are like a Siren

Really? Me? I'm a siren. I'm a mermaid singing sailors to their doom. The power of my...err, presence sucks the soul right out of them? Really, now.

[13:36] Emilly Orr: And yet you are intimates with our Beth. She does not...what is the phrase...seduce your soul?
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I avoid getting too close to her
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she would [f**k] my mind up if I did

Well, that's certainly blunt. So she's a siren, too?

[13:37] Emilly Orr: Oh, but she's a sweetheart.
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:38] Emilly Orr: You laugh because you think I'm wrong, or because you agree?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: She's a devil, a demon in a short denim skirt
[13:39] Emilly Orr: Oh my.
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with buttons up the front
[13:39] Emilly Orr: So she's a succubus as well?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: of course she is, you both are
[13:39] Emilly Orr: But you're more afraid of me.

Should I start wearing a warning label, or something? "Contents may be addictive"? "Warning: Dangerous to men, approach with care"? After all, I used to say openly on my profile that I was dangerous to hearts...

[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I am because you get deep inside the folds

That sounds...filthy.

[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and never allow the man any escape
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you consume him
[13:40] Emilly Orr: Nonsense.

That sounds...implausible.

[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I saw the text from that guy
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really [f**ked] with his mind
[13:40] Emilly Orr: I did not!
[13:41] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know what I saw

I'm sure there's either something he wasn't telling me, or he was spinning this out from whole thread.

[13:42] Emilly Orr: I remember clients I've spent a good amount of time with, I even remember names of some clients from before I was with Sakura. The only ones I tend not to have strong recall of are those who only spent one night with me, a handful of hours, or even less than one hour.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: He has to have been in that latter camp.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: How could one sole hour have ruined him utterly? I disbelieve.

Because if this mysterious, intangible fellow was that easily entranced, then he ought not to have been allowed onto SL without a keeper.

[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I got the sense he spent more time with you, but did not ask him for details
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: right now
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: there is no way I am putting my avatar next to yours
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am scared of you
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont mind admitting it

I do not understand why.

[13:44] Emilly Orr: Well, I will say it is a pity, for I will not lie; even after surprising me like that, you were attractive enough for me to sit and talk afterwards.

To be fair, even had he not said he was friends with Beth, he was very pretty...pardon me, I likely should say handsome, but "pretty" fits better.

[13:44] Emilly Orr: I don't usually make a habit of that.
[13:44] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt immediately attracted to you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know that
[13:45] Emilly Orr: I thought that it was mutual.

I did, too.

[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I had a sense of a future destiny with you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: until I heard all of this

Future...what?? Wait, from 'I'm afraid of you' to 'We have a destiny together'? The hell is with this guy??

[13:45] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:45] Emilly Orr: Yet...now you're turning away from that, out of...fear?
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no
[13:46] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am just going to take time to reflect
[13:46] Emilly Orr: Ah. Well, I was going to ask if you wished to remove me from your friendslist, if you felt so endangered. But if you're reflecting...well, I can offer to pull back a bit more.
[13:46] Emilly Orr: No longer greet you when I see you online, for example.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: will you take complete control of me if I come closer?
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Why would I want to do that?

Why would I want to do that? That sounds utterly dull.

[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because you are dominant
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Hardly.
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Though I can attempt it, should a patron desire.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, that's what happened to him
[13:48] Emilly Orr: I took control of him?
[13:48] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes

Because...of course, I did. Because that sounds so much like me. Is there another Emilly Orr on the grid of whom I'm unaware?

[13:48] Emilly Orr: You do know how odd this all is, yes? That someone was spinning that out of control over me, and I cannot fully recall him?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what your response was
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I would like to think, were he that enthralled, I would remember him.

Because that kind of infatuation, usually, I hear from them more than just once, you know?

[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so what will happen to me if I come closer to you?
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I truly don't know. Do you wish to be dominated?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:49] Emilly Orr: Oh.
[13:50] Emilly Orr: Really?

That threw me for a loop, admittedly.

[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with you yes, with others no
[13:50] Emilly Orr: So, you are not by nature submissive.
[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I normally dominate

Now that, I fully believe. He didn't strike me, upon first acquaintance, as someone anxious and fearful; he struck me as someone confident, nay, arrogant in all things.

[13:52] Emilly Orr: Which I understand, but...you said you were afraid of me. While fear can spice interactions nicely, true, deep fear is not something conducive to domination of anything.
[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I need to trust you before submitting to you

Don't we all? But that's been a truth, at least for me--I cannot be submissive to anyone, even for pay, that I don't trust at least a little; and the same goes for dominance games. I cannot find it in me to control another's life, or at least body, even temporarily without trust.

[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: at the moment I feel very nervous
[13:53] Emilly Orr: Well, obviously. Trust is important, even for occasional things.
[13:53] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel that you want to entangle me, and draw me under your spell
[13:54] Emilly Orr: I don't think wanting you in my bed, and tangled in my arms is equivalent to drawing you under a spell.

Are we still talking about the same things?

[13:54] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so you dont wish to bewitch me?
[13:55] Emilly Orr: Do you think I should try?
[13:55] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you are already trying
[13:56] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel you surrounding me with silvery tendrils
[13:56] Emilly Orr: If so, it's nothing I'm doing consciously.

Silvery tendrils? Oh, flashbacks to Lumindor...but even there, I was using that manifestion of demonic energy deliberately. This seems something he's picking up that I have zero control over, and what's more, zero awareness of doing.

[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I know it is entirely subconscious on your part
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: your inner self is reaching for me

It is? It's like I'm trusting all this on faith, or...put another way, being led down a merry path of deception and subterfuge. Mayhap it's both.

[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: its a plane of immanence
[13:58] Emilly Orr: What happens if I do ensnare you?
[13:58] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know, it really scares me

Why does something I can't even do terrify him so? I still don't understand.

[13:59] Emilly Orr: But surely, you're a dominant enough personality to avoid such untried attempts?
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I guess I become owned by you
[13:59] Emilly Orr: Owned by...well, there's a rather stunning thought.

I mean, look. I'm much happier being spanked than doing the spanking, but given the right motivation, it can be quite enticing to dole out punishments and rewards to a partner instead. So it's not the worst scenario to own someone--in the general sense--rather than be owned.

That having been said, I still don't understand why he's so afraid of something I'm not even sure I can do, let alone do willingly. And to own him utterly, just from having him as a patron? I have my doubts.

[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am dominant and strong, but not sure if I can resist you
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he was strong before he met you
[14:00] Emilly Orr: I am not a force to cripple unwary men. Truly, I'm not.
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know you dont intend to do it deliberately
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Well, I shall attempt to...restrain myself.
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Why ever not?
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I think you will desire, truly desire to consume me
[14:02] Emilly Orr: I...well...that's not entirely untrue, but...only parts of you you will not miss?

*Ahem*. So to speak.

[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what happens if I become totally addicted to you
[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that weakness of my part
[14:03] Emilly Orr: I...don't know. Before this conversation, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I am not a drug.
[14:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well, it seems you are in fact

Definitely need to work on a warning label.

[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you wear black lingerie to seduce men
[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that true?
[14:04] Emilly Orr: I do own black lingerie, but I own more in other shades.

Now I know this fellow's pulling my leg. No man would tell another man that.

[14:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so if a man develops an appetite for you in lingerie you deliberately enhance the effect?
[14:05] Emilly Orr: No, not at all. I simply like lingerie.
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have a huge fetish for ladies in lingerie
[14:06] Emilly Orr: Do you, now?
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: especially nylon or silk stockings

It's all beginning to make sense...I think. This is his idea of flirting, or...something? But if that's so, who's the fellow in question who was so obsessed with me? Was he just a random name pulled out of a virtual hat?

[14:06] Emilly Orr has a few sets that would suit, yes.
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you kept him permanently erect
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I did?
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[14:07] Emilly Orr: How would I do that?

Seriously. That's not even possible. Is that even possible? That's not possible.

[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I don't, either.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: few women can do that to a man
[14:08] Emilly Orr: Indeed. It sounds like a...sizeable task.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: unsurmountable in most cases

We'll fade to black at that point, even though little else happened; but this was the part of the conversation that mystifies me. I still don't know if I should contact the fellow mentioned, or leave him alone entirely; I also don't know if he's just an alt of this first fellow.

Men baffle me greatly on occasion.