yeah, I gotta hurt you, I gotta hear it from your mouth (part IV)

"Trouble is part of your life--if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough."
~~Dinah Shore

(Continued from part III.)

This one's three letters, again due to length.

27 January 2012

Master,

The month advances, and I'm still circling in place, wondering...wondering if I'll ever send this off; wondering if I'll have these doubts forever; wondering about why you haven't answered any questions of late. I wonder how you're doing. Is it just that busy at work? Are there greater demands on your time? Are things okay with your wife, are you arguing with friends? And don't misunderstand me: put me clear to the side as a lover, fine; as a *friend* I worry that something's eating at you, and you'd rather withdraw than talk about it. And I worry that your pattern of not talking until things resolve may backfire on you at some point. Because until, unless, if ever, we talk about some of these issues, they're not going to go away.

And I'm not sure, honestly, how many of these issues, at this point, will go away if we talk them out. I'd just like to make the attempt.

One day later...

28 January 2012

Master,

So, I keep going back and forth between 'Oh please, like he even cares' and 'Of course he loves you, what are you, an idiot?' And I'm currently trying to figure out where this massive doubt is coming from. This is complicated by the week of insane moodiness, followed by the week of anger, which was followed by hemorrhaging, which now seems to be winding up to a head cold.

I still haven't figured out if I'm sending you these notes. Part of me is just appalled at what seems like over-emotional whinging, and the other part is thinking at least you'll know what I feel--good or bad, at least it will be out in the open.

I think what's really holding me in place is the thought of sending all these scattered thoughts off, and hearing nothing back--again. And that is such a debilitating thought, it knots my throat and makes me pause, and take a moment to breathe, even just writing this down. This, I am now realizing, in this moment, is playing on some very deep fears. Fears you never gave me, but that are coming into play nonetheless. Fears of the unknown, of the ones who left and never told me why. Fears of writing letters never answered, fears of my inability to understand, and all of that now overlaid over your seeming distance.

It's been a pattern. This one is far from the first to simply disappear on me without word. He wasn't even the second.

29 January 2012

Master,

It's been a week. I've read over this text file, and none of these issues are resolved. So I'm sending this. I can't live in fear. And if you don't answer, you don't answer. I'll find a way to cope, with or without you.

I love you, but I'm tired of fighting both sides of this battle in my head. If you want to talk to me, it's not like you don't know where I am.

[Em]

One more to go (I think).