come join the party in the dust and the sand

Oh, this one's going to be...fun...

Dear Ms. [name],

Oh, hi--am I not off your mailing list yet? I've told you twice, thanksbutno, take me off. Seems...not to have taken?

I want to have your name and intentions taken to Fátima for the 104th Anniversary of the most amazing historic event.

How...is that going to work, precisely? How can you take my name to a place?

Would you like that?

I have no idea. Why would I want that, again?

Click here [link given] to add "[name]" to the ANF banner in Fátima!

Ohhh, I get it now. You want to put my name on a banner. To take TO Fátima. Silly idea, but okay.

Yes, that is correct, on May 12th, the eve of the 104th Anniversary of Our Lady’s first apparition at Fátima, Portugal, our ambassadors will carry your name on the unique America Needs Fátima Banner during the Fátima celebrations and candlelight procession.

No thanks.

They will also present your intentions to Our Lady of Fátima on the exact spot where she appeared.

No thanks.

Join me and thousands more, by having your intentions delivered to the very spot where the Queen of Heaven appeared to the three shepherd children so long ago.

Sounds like a cash grab.

Though we have all been dealt a trying hand this past year, Our Lady has been with you and I every step of the way.

And as uncertain as the future looks for America right now, I know she will stay by our sides through it all.

She will never abandon her faithful children!

Good to know, but, thing is, I'm not actually Catholic? Sorry if you have that impression. I've tried to correct that by unsubscribing.

So, [name], what better way to thank her for her sweet maternal protection--nd lay our present difficulties at her feet--than to participate spiritually in the annual Fátima celebrations?

I can think of lots of ways. Most of them far more direct than carrying a banner with a bunch of names on it.

Click here to have your name added to ANF’s Banner carried through the Shrine of Our Lady of Fátima.

No, but good luck with that. Really.

Because you love Mother Mary so much,

That's assuming a great deal about me because once you offered a free scapular with the image of Mary of Fátima, and I accepted...

because you want her Immaculate Heart to Reign over all this troubled world and because you have supported ANF with your prayers and sacrifices in the past

Err, no, I paid you a pittance once to send me a rosary chaplet, because that was a bit nicer than the scapular, but I haven't paid you a single centime since--and won't, in all likelihood.

--for all these reasons, and more...

Right, we're back at cash grab again.

...I want to offer you this beautiful spiritual experience absolutely FREE!

The hell you say.

So what are you waiting for? Click here now [link given] and send your name and intentions to Fátima this May for the 104th anniversary celebration of Our Lady’s first apparition at Fátima, Portugal.

No, but thanks. I'm going to try again to get off this mailing list,

I remain your friend,
In Jesus and Mary,

Sure, whatever,

Robert Ritchie
Director, America Needs Fátima

I mean, look. As far as religious hucksters go, I don't think this group is entirely terrible, which is why I'm leaving their web page link in. They are operating from a prophecy from one of the children that says fairly clearly, world go boom unless Russia worships Mary. Which...no, on multiple levels, but I can see why they're invested.

But my sideline interest in Marian cults doesn't respond to this level of froth. I don't care if someone carries my name through the streets of Fátima. Why does it matter? It certainly won't matter to the residents of Fátima. It won't matter to the people carrying the banner. And it's certainly not going to be "FREE", as they said. There will be a fee for doing this, at some point, I guarantee it.

So no, thanks, I'm going to try to get off your mailing list again. Good luck with the world saving.