tell the bed not to lay like the open mouth of a grave

(Note from the Editrix: Because these are mounting, sadly, I'm going to start generally indicating when they were written, as opposed to published. This one is from the 18th of July.)

(Additional: And why yes, I am making them march a bit with two entries a day. Too much waiting. Too much backlog. Let's go, already.)



express yourself, don't repress yourself
express yourself, don't repress yourself
express yourself, don't repress yourself

I admit, the blog notwithstanding, I have never been the poster girl for self-expression. I'm mostly the Before picture. But personal growth demands, and all that, and I have gotten better over the years. Because communication is vital. Far too many people ignore it, at their peril, and it always, always, trips me up when I forget how vital it is.


and I'm not sorry (I'm not sorry)
it's human nature (it's human nature)
and I'm not sorry (I'm not sorry)
I'm not your [b*tch], don't hang your [sh*t] on me (it's human nature)

Judgement can be just as damaging. Pick an area of American culture, I can virtually guarantee it's been distorted by the heavy anchor weight of Puritanical or Judeo-Christian beliefs. What (may have) worked then profoundly does not work now, and as Bobcat Goldthwait once famously said regarding the Constitution--"It's just a piece of paper, it can be changed!"



you wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say
you didn't want to see life through my eyes
(express yourself, don't repress yourself)
you tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
and silence me with bitterness and lies
(express yourself, don't repress yourself)

And I've dealt in all worlds with people who refuse to understand, out of fear, anxiety, personal dread, or peer pressure. You shouldn't charge. You shouldn't be non-monogamous. You shouldn't have an open marriage. You shouldn't have tattoos. The list can, and does, go on. I think worst are the ones who attack my practices, not because they think their own are that much better, but because they're deeply, bitingly jealous of my freedoms compared with the narrow, restrictive lives they've chosen.



did I say something wrong?
oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex (I musta been crazy)
did I stay too long?
oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind (what was I thinking?)

And there are places in this world, even in the US, where women are told repeatedly their place is to shut up and be a support structure for men. It famously happened on the national stage recently, when our current president, upset over judgments that had gone against him, railed at a press conference against the female Supreme Court Justices, saying that their place was not to speak loudly and make a fuss, but to sit down and shut up.

No one, except perhaps Kavanaugh, got to the Supreme Court because they weren't fiercely intelligent and skilled. Liberal, centrist, conservative, doesn't matter--and that's how the system is designed. We want the finest legal minds being the ultimate arbiters of justice, because that way we know it's being (mostly) applied fairly, (reasonably) impartially, and with no regard for personal agendas.

At least, that was the plan originally...



you punished me for telling you my fantasies
I'm breakin' all the rules I didn't make
(express yourself, don't repress yourself)
you took my words and made a trap for silly fools
you held me down and tried to make me break
(express yourself, don't repress yourself)

Wow, there are still StarGates around? Do they still work?

It's difficult for us to obey rules we don't know exist. How are we supposed to behave if no one informs us there are rules of behavior? But more important, how are we supposed to behave if our ethics conflict with someone else? Couple former friends of mine come to mind with the application of the Golden Rule, for instance--because if they treated everyone how they most desired to be treated, everyone would have a lot more rope burns, and in one case, a lot more scars. Not everyone wants that.



did I say something true?
oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex (I musta been crazy)
did I have a point of view?
oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about you (what was I thinking?)

At one point in one of my relationships, there were taboo topics, and it became difficult to communicate at all at certain points because so much was forbidden. Now, sometimes there are irreconcilable differences--I believe one thing, someone else believes another, and we cannot come to a decent compromise between the two positions. Fine. In that case, it generally comes down to 'Well, I disagree, but we'll table that for now."

But when it's hard to talk at all without brushing against one of those trigger beliefs, there are bigger problems in the relationship than simple communication.



and I'm not sorry (I'm not apologizing)
it's human nature (would it sound better if I were a man?)
and I'm not sorry (you're the one with the problem)
I'm not your [b*tch], don't hang your [sh*t] on me (why don't you just deal with it?)

And ultimately, that is the question, isn't it? So many people--mostly in the US, but I've also noticed this worldwide--would prefer to sacrifice freedom and personal responsibility for rules and bureaucratic control. Some people never grew up in homes that taught them how to stand behind their words, their actions, and so they grow to adulthood, have kids of their own, and the cycle of mistrust, fear, and anxiety perpetuates.



and I'm not sorry (would you like me better if I was?)
it's human nature (we all feel the same way)
and I'm not sorry (I have no regrets)
I'm not your [b*tch], don't hang your [sh*t] on me (just look in the mirror)

That's never been my issue, I have all the regrets, steeped in them over time. Small ones, large ones, small stabbing pains of memory's knife twisting on the recall...but...I lived through all of them. And for all I look back far more than I should, all of that got me here. Good or bad, it's what makes me...me. My flaws, my scars, my regrets, my successes, my understanding (such that it is at times)...all of it was foundational in who I am now.

This is not to say I celebrate my regrets. I wish often I had less of them, and not just that less had happened, but that they ate at my soul less. Hindsight is 20/20, after all, and sometimes, my outlook makes my past excruciatingly clear.



and I'm not sorry (I don't have to justify anything)
it's human nature (I'm just like you)
and I'm not sorry (wy should I be?)
I'm not your [b*tch], don't hang your [sh*t] on me (deal with it)

But I try to take responsibility where I can. I try to accept I make mistakes, and acknowledge them. I apologize when I need to, because the very worst thing, ever, is to say "I'm sorry you were upset" over "I'm sorry this happened". Or even simply, "I'm sorry." The first is dodging responsibility on a major scale, and blaming the other party.

Never do that. Because, if we can't take responsibility for our actions, good or bad, we're still children. And the whole point of growing up is to accept that adults have responsibilities, as well as freedoms, and to behave accordingly.

(Pictures taken at Satyr's Covert [owner was on when I traipsed through; while it is a fantasy sim, he says it's open, all are welcome to wander. He did recommend I take off my heels, so I did], Vana, Dawson Forest, the Secret Garden in Uba, Satori and Catena et Cavea. Lyrics from Madonna's Human Nature, which still has a fairly goofy video, but a great message above and beyond.)