set fires to my forest, and you let it burn

(Note from the Editrix: Because these are mounting, sadly, I'm going to start generally indicating when they were written, as opposed to published. This one is from later on the 23rd of July.)



it lay buried here, it lay deep inside me
it's so deep I don't think that I can speak about it
it could take me all of my life
but it would only take a moment to
tell you what I'm feeling

Any port in a storm, when applied to churches, only works occasionally. This one, for instance--I won't go out on that limb and say it's been desanctified, but...there are skulls on the altar.

Still, at this point, holy places may not help, as I've already said. I may be on my own, so if the church is already empty, so much the better.



but I don't know if I'm ready yet
you come walking into this room
like you're walking into my arms
what would I do without you?

Too much baggage all around, I think. The revelations I didn't get in time, the yes-but-no nature of things, the fact that telling my dominant all of this didn't surprise him. The slight--and it is slight, but present--portion of resentment at that, that he didn't think about telling me.

On the other hand, would I have listened? Oblivious girl is oblivious at times, it's been pointed out more than once.



take away the love and the anger
and a little piece of hope holding us together
looking for a moment that'll never happen
living in the gap between past and future
take away the stone and the timber
and a little piece of rope won't hold it together

That's never a good sign. How long has the construction been going on? Reminds me of some of my projects.

Rather like this one. I fully expected this would be a few entries and some deep breathing, and off to the next thing. Over one month later...is this one here to stay? Does it have to?



if you can't tell your sister
if you can't tell a priest
'cos it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
to anyone
and you tell it to your heart?
can you find it in your heart?

Still working through things. Always working through things? Gods, I hope not, that would be beyond depressing. And in the curious position of no longer feeling like I'm stagnating in place, which is a positive, but instead, I'm moving so slowly at times that I might as well be standing still. I am moving, that much I know, but by how much and for how long, I have no idea.

And the dreams are back. Dear gods, the dreams are back.



to let go of these feelings
like a bell to a Southerly wind?
we could be like two strings beating
speaking in sympathy
what would we do without you?
two strings speak in sympathy

Of course the water tower says "TURN BACK". But turn back from what, at this point? We're already here. I'm not turning around and reversing.

But as said, I'm walking forward so slowly...am I avoiding the next signpost? Is there one? Or maybe I'm still just tired.



take away the love and the anger
and a little piece of hope holding us together
looking for a moment that'll never happen
living in the gap between past and future

I should know this by now--the large glass vial of mysterious liquid that says "DEATH" on the label, and invites me to sit? Never a good idea.

But then, that's the thing about impulsiveness--our state changes before we realize. Air to liquid, liquid to solid, solid to plasma, over and around again. If we don't stop and think at times, we could miss it.



take away the stone and the timber
and a little piece of rope won't hold it together
we're building a house of the future together
(what would we do without you?)

[07:32] [Hotel Dysphoria] Uppity Concierge whispers: Are you sure that you're at the right place, because I am certain you are not.

Tad rude, innit? And don't think I don't see that knife behind his back.

He'd have to reach me to stab me, though, and he's moving less rapidly than I am.



well, if it's so deep you don't think that you can speak about it
just remember to reach out and touch the past and the future
well, if it's so deep you don't think you can speak about it
don't ever think that you can't change the past and the future
you might not, not think so now
but just you wait and see, someone will come to help you

And back on the shore, staring at flotsam the tide brought in, wondering what happens next. Trying not to overthink, and overthinking; trying not to cling tight, and just let things go; trying not to care, and well...that one is profoundly backfiring. Which, to be frank, I knew it would, but you know, I had to make the attempt.

Slowly piecing together the shape of the decision. And maybe that's why I'm moving so slowly--I don't want to reach it, and have that discussion, because...I think either way it goes it's going to hurt, at this point, and...I'm just so tired of hurting.

(Pictures taken at Delta Harbor, Styxx City, N8sun, Red's Mystery Shack, Hotel Dysphoria, Cabot Cove and Tiny Isles Lighthouse. Lyrics are from Kate Bush's Love and Anger.)