Monday, November 19, 2007

pull me out from inside, I am ready

Lying in your bed and on a Saturday night
You're sweatin' buckets and it's not even hot
But your brain has got the message
And it's sending it out
To every nerve and every muscle you've got


Thoughts a jumble, sitting in the store. Alone again, it's not overly bothering me. I could be with people, but it's better being alone, for some things.

I've hit the art folders in my inventory culling process. More, specifically, the art section of textures.

You've got so many dreams
That you don't know where to put 'em
So you'd better turn a few of 'em loose
Your body's got a feeling that it's starting to rust
You'd better rev it up and put it to use


All the art my artist gave me....well, I can't call her 'my' artist anymore, can I? The artist. An artist. Of surpassing talent, yes, burning talent, as if it would consume her utterly, leaving only a bright blue torch in her place, lighting the darkness.

And I don't know how I ever thought that I could make it all alone
When you only make it better
And it better be tonight
And we'll fly away on those angel wings of chrome in your daddy's car
Waiting there for you tonight
I'll be there for you tonight


Today I have his picture pinned to the inside of my bodice, feeling foolish and schoolgirl and very, very young over it. But it's working to stave off the pain. This picture, that picture, gods, I love that picture, does that have to go too?

Yes. Because gifts from demons always have a price. And mine was the fall, the fall from every grace, the fall to cold frozen earth. To be cut out entirely, thrown out of Hell for nothing more than not saying no. What lesson, cut from such jagged cloth, am I to take from that? Be less understanding?

Even if you don't have anywhere to go
You go down on the pedal and you're ready to roll
And even if you don't have anywhere to go
You go down on the pedal and you're ready to roll
And your speed
Is all you'll ever need
All you'll ever need to know
Darlin', Darlin'-


I engrave their names on my heart, those I love. Deep enough, etched strongly enough, they won't fade this time. That I'll still be able to read them without flinching, even if things go wrong. And I keep culling.

This picture, oh, that one, no, that one's mine, that was me, I can't throw that away--

Yes. I can. I must. I didn't buy them, they weren't gifts before the fall, those I'll keep. Those I'll treasure, because she does have talent, she does have drive and invention and brilliance moving through her paints.

But nothing else. Nothing else of her hands and heart, set to canvas. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right.

You and me we're goin' nowhere slowly
And we've gotta get away from the past
There's nothin' wrong with goin' nowhere, baby
But we should be goin' nowhere fast


37,990 last night, at close of day. Still notecards to look through, swallow over, discard with clenched eye, tight fist releasing. Now 33,753, and still more art to go.

But it must be done. Must be. I'm dying in stages holding on to the past this tightly. I can't live here anymore.

Everybody's goin' nowhere slowly
They're only fighting for the chance to be last
There's nothin' wrong with goin' nowhere, baby
But we should be goin' nowhere fast
It's so much better goin' nowhere fast


Still more, not looking at so many now, as I did, still moving things to the side, shuffling things, shaking my head. This one. Yes, this one. Yes, that one too. Faces of friends, faces of once-fellow Muses, faces of the artist. Yes, that one. That one. Especially that one.

On and on and on until I want to scream in the store, shatter the quiet of the evening streets, throw things, break glass, explode.

I won't. I don't do that. It's not my way.

33,259. It's getting harder now.

Stalkin' in the shadows by the light of the moon
It's like a prison and the night is a cell
Goin' anywhere has gotta be heaven tonight
'Cause stayin' here has gotta be hell
Dyin' in the city like a fire on the water
Let's go runnin' on the back of the wind
There's gotta be some action on the face of the earth
And I've gotta see your face once again


I'm clinging to them, now, my loves. Not that they know, not that I'll tell them. These, I think, had no hand in throwing me away. These, I tell myself, would not. It is my fault I didn't understand her inability to say no. It is not my fault, accepting gifts from her hand after I told her not to gift me. It is not my fault, doing the same thing I've always done for her. It is not my fault she turned.

It is not my fault. It's become a mantra. Because good gods, so much is, so much was. But this? This is not. This is not me and not because of me. It's not.

And I don't know where I ever got the bright idea that I was cool
So alone and independent
But I'm depending on you now
And you'll always be the only thing that I just can't be without
And I'm out for you tonight
I'm comin' out for you tonight


Peruse, evaluate, drop. Destroy. Over and over again. Over ad nauseum, ad infinitum. When does this end? That's all I'm waiting for tonight. The point at which my heart can't take anymore, the point at which I say that, that's it, we're there, I'm done.

At least for one more night. Always another night to start the process again...

Even if you don't have anywhere to go
You go down on the pedal and you're ready to roll
And your speed
Is all you'll ever need
All you'll ever need to know
Darlin', Darlin'-


32,972. Hands shaking, so many faces, so much she gave me, let me take, because I was her gallery manager, because I needed to be able to put up anything created from her hands at a moment's notice. So much she gave me, so much, and I know that, I know that simple words can't repair such gifting, and it burns now, it burns, like acid on stripped skin.

I had a home until it was taken.
I had a place when nowhere else was safe.
I had a place when I wasn't safe.
Gone now. Gone now.


I look inside my wounded heart, and see the words etched on the walls. I have love. I know love. I am stronger than this. I do not give in.

I breathe, and keep going.

You and me we're goin' nowhere slowly
And we've gotta get away from the past
There's nothin' wrong with goin' nowhere, baby
But we should be goin' nowhere fast


31,240. I'm curled up in a small ball on the couch in the store and I'm praying no one wanders in. How could I even begin to explain? I'm almost blessing the trick of conscience that's not letting me ask the one, now, in world to come to my side.

Foolish pride, yes, but I started this, I'll finish it. I'll finish it and it will be done and the rest is mostly objects...

...and photographs. But most of the photographs I took, most are of me. Who needs that much ego support?

(Ah, I'm not that vain, it's just, I'm usually around. So of course, I pose a lot.)

Everybody's goin' nowhere slowly
They're only fighting for the chance to be last
There's nothin' wrong with goin' nowhere, baby
But we should be goin' nowhere fast
It's so much better goin' nowhere fast


But it's hard, so hard. I'm reaching that point. Hands trembling, blindly throwing things away, glimpse of title and gone. I open many more and the old wound, long forgotten, will open up again, the heartstrike to bleed and slowly heal. I don't need that, I won't have it, not for this. Not for this. Not for her.

Breathing carefully, shaking, I look over the last folder. Good or bad, this will be it. Good or bad, this is where I stop tonight.

30,912.

It's enough. I'm through. I can rest now.

Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Speed us away!


(Lyrics are taken from Fire Inc.'s "Nowhere Fast", originally seen in Streets of Fire.)

6 comments:

Seraph Nephilim said...

hugs for you and I love that song. Then again, it's by Jim Steinman and it's from Streets of Fire. And now I so want Ellen Aim's outfit from that number. ^.^

Somewhere in my videotape library I think I have a copy of the Making of....

emillyorr said...

*hugs you*

I do, it's one of my favorites, and yes, Jim Steinman, I haven't found a single thing of his I don't like.

Even if he's the voice singing it. :)

And a Making Of? OOOOH.

Seraph Nephilim said...

Then I must play you a Steinman medley sometime. See if I have something you aren't familiar with. Or at least didn't realize he had a hand in.

emillyorr said...

*claps and nods vigorously*

Yes!

turnerBroadcasting said...

Hmm... organizing our inventory can be fun. I wonder, if we could just take things by looking at them - what would we take?

Suppose anything we saw, could be ours. Would we keep grabbing everything cool that we see..

Or would we also at some point love the dark?

emillyorr said...

All I know is, I'm sick to death already, but I'm also down by 7K. I'm still finding things to throw away, too.