Saturday, November 24, 2007

but I know that I'll get through this, 'cause I know that I am strong

No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you

Did you think I wouldn't notice? Do you think I don't know? I'm reading from the shadows, I can't be closer, I don't want to be.

Did you think it wouldn't hurt? How can it not? So close to such light, and now relegated to outer darkness, how can that not hurt?

And every triumph you hand to one of my friends, of course it burns. Do you think I don't know it's somewhat intentional? Your way of showing you still have glory, and I, I just have what you left of me.

Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,

Did you expect me to break? Did you expect me to give in? Did you expect me to crawl to your door begging for a second chance?

I beg. It's not beneath me. And I've been on the other side of such broken pleas, so to this day, even the memory of refusing such tears hooks through my psyche. But I will not beg you. Not for anything.

What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you?
Well, I can't do that
There's no turning back

And I am not you. There is nothing that says I must remain, trapped in pain, surrounded by the flames of my own soul on fire. I am stronger than this. I am better than this. And I am moving on.

Of course it hurts. I wouldn't have a heart if it didn't. But that heart, that loyalty, that presence is no longer yours to command, if it ever was.

You cannot have me back. You made sure of that.

I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you

I've thrown away so much, good and bad. I'm close to the point of being able to set out your last gift, and pack it away properly, this time. Remove the furniture, dust the curtains for long storage. And then that's the last of it, all things dealt with, all bonds cut.

There may even cease to be a reason to keep tabs on you.

Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,

This is what you wanted, remember. You spun me out of your orbit. I was content to be there, your name on my lips to all I knew, your fiercest advocate bar the angel. You released me from service. You said goodbye.

And, as all should know by one gets me back who's said that. No one gets me back, ever. Whether it cleaves my heart, whether it shreds my soul for long and agonizing months one gets me back after the parting.

And you knew that. You knew that.

But I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
Oh, I don't need you anymore, I don't need you anymore
No, I don't need you anymore

I wish you all the best, I do. I wish you every great success you deserve. I wish you all the accolades you can take, here and abroad.

But get your head together. Burn another I care for the way you burned me, and I will find a way to reach you again. Don't put it past me to find a way in.

Because you forget, I know you too.

(Lyrics? Taken from the song by Cher, "Believe".)


RastaQueen said...

I feel a connection with this post of yours.
It's a matter of integrity.
There isn't any gray matter.. it's all in black and white.

Emilly Orr said...

This one, yes. I post a lot of grey. I post a lot of maybe-if-when-then.

This one? This is yes-no, either-or, no middle ground.

This is me standing on the battlefield again.

But for this, I'm willing to.

RastaQueen said...

Which is justified isn't it?
Integrity has no middle path. Neither do emotions.
Gray matter comes if the ifs and buts of questioning situations.
You just let that river flow.
It makes sense to me now.

Emilly Orr said...

*bows slightly*

Let's see what trouble it gets me into, though. :)

RastaQueen said...

You made your decision... an indecisive one, MAYBE (only you know)... but hey, no one comes between you and what you stand for.
As an outsider and one relating what you wrote to my experience -- you won't be getting into any trouble. You know what you believe in and what you stand for -- that's your strength.
Tell everyone else to run stakes through their balls.
*cocky smile*

Emilly Orr said...

Tell everyone else to run stakes through their balls.


I more meant, 'trouble', qua, resumption of war between myself and the certain other party who may or may not see these words.

But yes. Anything worth doing is worth doing well? Sure. But also, anything worth doing is worth defending.

RastaQueen said...

Tee hee.
Atta, girl.

That is precisely what I meant... the other party will probably come to realize everything you've written in your post by themselves... regardless of whether he/she reads it or not.

Call me a little off but I always did believe that what you believe in is always, somehow, transfered to the other person.
Call it telepathy... or call it karma!

It's you for yourself.
Although, losing people on the way to finding yourself is hard... being vengeful is easy... and sometimes, getting those individuals back............ is easier. *wink*

Emilly Orr said...

*peers at you*

Are you *sure* you're seventeen? :)

Wise beyond your years, then, more power to your wings.

RastaQueen said...

Aw shucks.

*scuffs toe against the ground*
Stop making me blush!

On a more serious note, I don't know if this wiseness is a drawback or an advantage... it hinders my impulsiveness.

Emilly Orr said...

Well, yes, because you see where the road goes. There are good and bad things in being impulsive.

Also, there is a difference between 'impulsive' and 'spontaneous'. Though it's mostly a matter of tone. :)

RastaQueen said...

I can definitely say I'm spontaneous.

ah, Miza. Orr... you made me realize something about myself!
Thank you!

Emilly Orr said...

Yay! Self-revelation can be fun! Or at the least, instructive.

And for those moments when it is not, we have ice cream and chocolate.

RastaQueen said...

Ice cream and chocolate sounds nice!

I usually resort to Oreos, a pen and paper!

I could live in a library with the above three and be the happiest a soul can be!

Emilly Orr said...

I'd have to that for Lindt chocolate, writing implements and soy jerky? And a shower. And I'd be good in that library... :)

RastaQueen said...

Oooo! How I love similarities!

Emilly Orr said...


Well, reading.

Sometimes, I think even bad books are better than good television, and so much of television is mediocre at best. Plus, I'm voracious, I read everything--fiction, nonfiction, cookbooks, dictionaries, religious texts, how-to manuals, histories....

Whatever attracts my attention. There's so much out there. I want to know.

RastaQueen said...

I'm snapping my fingers in agreement right now.......... *snaps fingers in agreement* :)

I love reading anything and everything. Like I tell everyone: Learning never stops!

I love Gabriel Garcia Marquez right now. Love his work!

Emilly Orr said...

I've always been baffled by people who declare they're done learning. Never stop learning. All knowledge is important.

I only have one book by Marquez, a book of short stories, No One Writes to the Colonel, but I'd adore having more. I keep creeping through used book stores, looking.

RastaQueen said...

Oh, I just positively LOVE second-hand book stores. You find so many books that you won't otherwise.

You must read Memories of My Melancholy Whores by Marquez.
The opening line is On the eve of my 90th birthday, I decided to gift myself a virgin

It's such a profound book. It's lovely. It's a small book but by the end of it, you feel this weight--the type that comes with new understand. It can melt your heart and still harden you at the same time.