Tuesday, November 20, 2007

fold my heart up small, or break it into pieces

Only a moment ago, we had nothing but time
Everything lasted forever, and you were all mine
Only a dream I know...
Thinking you’d never go...
Tearing off pieces of myself,
Just for the time it buys me...

Jonathan Coulton. The song When You Go, tied onto the credits side of Just As Long As Me, one of the WoW vids I normally don't watch. (Well, it's a fun song, but really--I'm the short end of the spectrum, so I don't get height issues. All I know is the air's thinner up there.) Plaintive a cappella song about loss, and forever, written during a frustrating patch of songwriter's block.

Forever. There's that word again. It's been cropping up.

Fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go...

It's not that I lie to people. Oh, I'll misdirect for all I'm worth, until you'll think yes is no and I've gotten away clean, with little revelation. But that only works when I'm not tired. When I'm tired my defenses drop, I see my own truth and that of others, and real questions can be asked and answered.

I'll be glad when this month is over, frankly. Good things have happened, valued things, treasured things; I wouldn't miss moving to Caledon for every penny I've ever had on SL returned.

There in the frame of your face in the cast of your eyes
I saw this coming, but still I am caught by surprise
All of this time I knew
That I'd be losing you
That doesn't mean that it's okay
That doesn't mean I'm ready...

But everything I throw away, it seems, brings a memory along with it, strands of them, chains of them, weighing my hands and heart and mind in dark regrets. I have enough of them to break six hearts, and I just have the one. And it's been broken enough...

Fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go...

I'd love to be able to point at my love life, at the ones I choose, and say, this one, that one, it all links up. I like tall men, or, I like forceful men, or I like men who buy me things...

I've never been that sort of girl. And since it's never been just men, it's harder to figure out. What draws me? What makes my heart leap, knowing they're near? What pulls me, makes me unable to turn from them?

I wish I knew. I wish I knew. The only thing I know, the only thing, is that, at some point, with everyone I've ever loved, I've felt, quite literally, blessed to know them. Just to know them, to stand in the presence of that mind and watch it at work and play. To know I'm close to their heart and feeling bathed in their light.

I feel humbled. I feel obscurely grateful, as if I should be laying flowers on the altar of some goddess of tender love, and thanking her, profusely, for letting me know such exceptional souls.

And even the idiots, at some point, were exceptional. In some way. Even if it was only behind closed doors, when they finally relaxed, and showed they could think, and how much; showed they could love, and took care to prove it. Every one. Every single one.

Some things you always remember, some things you forget
No way to make it up now, no room for regret
That's no good for anyone
And so I come undone
Now I am less than what I was,
Whatever's left is yours now...

Regrets are worse than guilt at times, their pain goes deeper. Guilt is surface, but it can eat its way down. Regret starts at the core and works outward, like some dark fabric of time and pain lacing through the system.

Regret...there's no end to it. And no way I've found to let it go completely. Because when I lose all regrets I had, for a love? I lose all shreds of that love. And even regret-laden, bittersweet on the tongue, full of unexpected pain that pricks my eyes with tears I struggle not to shed...it is so very hard to unlove.

And part of the why is I don't want to. My mind says...how could I have loved them at all, if I can unlove them by choice? And I did love them, all.

I'd love them still, were it not for...all those regrets.

So fold my heart up small
Or break it into pieces
Find somewhere and keep it there
Take it when you go...

One of my favorite poems by Walt Whitman, one I, at some point, give at least part of to anyone who owns part of my heart...is from Leaves of Grass:


Out of the Rolling Ocean the Crowd

OUT of the rolling ocean the crowd came a drop gently to me,
Whispering I love you, before long I die,
I have travel'd a long way merely to look on you to touch you,
For I could not die till I once look'd on you,
For I fear'd I might afterward lose you.

Now we have met, we have look'd, we are safe,
Return in peace to the ocean my love,
I too am part of that ocean my love, we are not so much separated,
Behold the great rondure, the cohesion of all, how perfect!
But as for me, for you, the irresistible sea is to separate us,
As for an hour carrying us diverse, yet cannot carry us diverse forever;
Be not impatient -- a little space -- know you I salute the air, the ocean and the land,
Every day at sundown for your dear sake my love.


It's another thing to remember. We are transitory in each others' lives. Even if we meet the one for us, and know them the whole of our lives, still death parts if nothing else does. And most relationships do not last near so long.

Every day at sundown for your dear sake my love.

I want less regrets. I want more good memories. I want to know my sacrifices have meaning. I want to know I matter.

Though I've never needed to be the only thing that does....

[23:31] Eli Shackle: sounds like things are going good...even if they are a bit busy there
[23:32] Emilly Orr: They seem to be.
[23:32] Emilly Orr: I'm trying to pull away from the "Nothing gold can stay" mentality
[23:33] Emilly Orr: But I admit, it's good, I'm content, so I'm waiting for the piano to fall
[23:33] Eli Shackle: hehe
[23:33] Eli Shackle: stop sugar
[23:33] Eli Shackle: enjoy yourself
[23:33] Eli Shackle: and quit worrying...if it happens, it happens
[23:33] Eli Shackle: but at least enjoy it while you have it

It's good advice. I should listen. I'm trying to. Thoughts from the universe filter down in the voices of dear friends, and I should listen. It is good advice.

I'm trying to listen.