I'm not sayin' there was nothing wrong

oh oh oh, oh oh--
into the unknown--

It's not exactly new territory, precisely, but...it is the first time I've had this struggle from go. Normally, once an ex exes, so to speak, I stop hearing from them. The last one and I are still struggling to find the balance, but he didn't start working on a friendship again until, oh, easily a year out from the breakup, maybe more. The big loss before that--no, not that one, before that one--did stick around, but there were additional complications with that. Like stalking. That tends to go above and beyond that desire to reconnect.



I can hear you
but I won't
some look for trouble
while others don't

And this particular situation...I mean, sure, I could go the closed route. Ban him, block him, mute him, whatever. The thing is...for several reasons, from rational to social to potentially unworthy entirely, I don't want to do that. The lines of communications are open. The lines of communication were requested to be open. There's support for keeping those ties, so...



there's a thousand reasons
I should go about my day
and ignore your whispers
which I wish would go away, oh oh oh--



I don't precisely wish they'd go away. I'm fine with the conversations, with the figuring out together what "friendship" after mad passion entails. Honestly, I'd much rather talk than argue, overall. It just makes quashing the the parts of me still yearning for other forms of connection more difficult. I'm engaged in the practice, but I'm having to go back to start more often than I want, because...well. Still not over things yet.

you're not a voice
you're just a ringing in my ear
and if I heard you, which I don't
I'm spoken for I fear--

I'm honest enough with myself to admit that, at least on my side, it wasn't just bruising. There was that, but...there also appears to be some shattering. Not enough to cripple, not enough to cause complete reconstruction--done that before, wasn't great, 2/10 would not do again--but a certain amount. Which yes, why thank you for pointing that out, does indicate I had deeper feelings. Yes, I'd already gotten there, thanks for that spritz of lemon juice on the raw emotions.



everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls
I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls
I've had my adventure, I don't need something new
I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

I wouldn't even know who to pray to at this point for aid and succor. I mean, Erzulie's right out, no iteration of her will exactly help. Kali's just laughable--oh, she'll help, sure, but by breaking down the barriers I've laboriously constructed as temporary shelters, by telling the absolute truth in all things, no matter how painful, and...yeah, okay, I get the value or I wouldn't be on her side? But right now, leave me with a few illusions, okay? Thanks.



into the unknown
into the unknown
oh oh oh--

Is it unknown, though? I mean, I'm so used to being in similar situations I developed an entire reality around the train wreck. It's happened so often that I'm used to it, or at least, familiar. I don't think anyone gets used to these things, really.

The trick is, I'm trying to learn from this one, to keep it from happening again, but...this situation isn't exactly the rank and file. It's a breakup that's not a breakup; it's a severance that leaves a connection; it's want, take, have slashed through and replaced with want, yearn, can never have again--and that's the galling part. That was the shock of ice water from the depths I was not expecting.

No amount of platitudes covers this.



what do you want? 'cause you've been keeping me awake
are you here to distract me so I make a big mistake?
or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me?
who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be?



So, more rust on the gears, more blood oiling them so they can keep spinning, sure. Been there, done that, sold t-shirts at the concession stand. And eventually, if for no other reason, I'll snap out of the reflection just because I'm disgusted with the analysis. At some point, it's going to become 'no one cares' as the answer to 'why'.

Not there yet, but...I've gotten there before.

every day's a little harder as I feel your power grow
don't you know there's part of me that longs to go
into the unknown
into the unknown



are you out there?
do you know me?
can you feel me?
can you show me?

And where is the train going next? Got me. I'm only the conductor, it's not like people give me maps. My responsibility is just to drive the beast, not to navigate.

But maybe that's part of the problem.

(Pictures taken on Deathlands, Munisa Roleplay on the Leeward Islands, After the Fall and SLMC's Impact Site. Lyrics are from Panic! At the Disco, "Into the Unknown", from Frozen 2.)