we are lost and we're falling

Before we get into today's patch of sturm und drang, something Mr. Ormstein put together, which is very, very useful--a .pdf tracking Linden fluctuations from 2009 to 2020. This data is going to be very, very helpful indeed.

Now then.



feels like you made a mistake
you made somebody's heart break
but now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You know, it's bad enough when I'm the one crushing hearts; it's really beyond the pale when I have help.


you left a stain
on every one of my good days
but I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go
no one's ever turned you over
no one's tried
to ever let you down

And I know I get through this. I do, because that's kind of my nature--bleeding, battered, broken, doesn't matter, I fall down, I get back up again. Outside of one incident with a semi-truck RL, I'm too stubborn to stay in place.



beautiful girl, bless your heart
I got a disease, deep inside me
makes me feel uneasy, baby
I can't live without you

This one's bidding fair to keep me staggered for a while though. It's not a compliment to me, or to my love life, that I've been staggered longer, but...this is starting to get up there.



tell me what I am supposed to do about it
keep your distance from it
don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

And I still can't, I can't, I don't trust myself, seeing him again. Just that. Just seeing the man. I am not some ravening feral animal, damn it, I have standards, but the temptation to do more is making my skin itch.



feels like you're making a mess
you're hell on wheels in a black dress
you drove me to the fire
and left me there to burn

Was it the abruptness of everything? From 'Let's take some time to talk about this' to 'You're done'? No time to say goodbye. No time to have one last date, so to speak, though I've always hated farewell sex. It's so depressing.



every little thing you do is tragic
all my life before was magic
beautiful girl, I can't breathe

And I'm fairly sure I stumbled on the explanation, I'm not sure the other involved in all this helped, and of course the third in this uneven, hitching contraption was justifiably, understandably, upset.



I got a disease, deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby...

Well. So was I. I am still. I am starting to give up on finding a workable way out, though, and crowbarring it into my brain that this is the new normal, and I'd damn well start to adjust to it.

I have never wanted to adjust to a thing less, in the whole of my life, but...this is what I have to work with.

Damn it.

(All photos taken at Vale Arcadia. Turns out if you go to the side of the AEnigma event, there's a whole half-buried dune outside with wrecks. Who knew? Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's "Disease".)