I can't stand what I'm starting to be

slow dancin' on the boulevard
in the quiet moments while the city's still dark
sleepwalkin' through the summer rain

There may be gaps still, here and there, but I think I'm closing in on the issues. It's taken a while.



in the tired spaces you could hear her name
when she was, warm and tender and you
held her arms around you
there was nothin' but her love and affection
she was crazy for you
now she's part of somethin' that you lost

Still in the spin cycle. Still in the storm. Working through the generalized malaise and the specific despondency. It'll pass eventually, or...it won't, but either way, I'll deal with it.



and for all you know, this could be
the difference between what you need
and what you wanna be
yeah, what you wanna be

That's one of the questions I'm wrestling--what I want, versus what I need. Which is closer to what I think is best, versus which is closer to what actually is best, my own petty concerns pushed aside. Which is more important for me? (Don't bother answering that either, I know already. I'm just not happy with the answer.)



night swimmin' in her diamond dress
making small circles move across the surface
stand watchin' from the steady shore

The other question I'm wrestling--what's better long term, versus what's better right now? And believe me, there's a lot of arguments going on internally about the short term benefits, versus the long term, and what's least likely to get me in trouble?

(With the expected childish aside of, and can I sneak past the restrictions this time? Don't bother, again, that answer I already know too.)



Feelin' wide open and waitin' for
somethin' warm and tender
now she's movin' further from you
there was nothin' that could make it easy on you
every step you take reminds you that she's walkin' on

Which could fit both of us. Maybe all three, who knows? I'm too close to the eye of the storm to see past the whipping leaves.



every word you never said
echoes down your empty hallway
and everything that was your world
just came down

All I know now concretely, is I was wrong. I have to accept that. I don't want to accept that; who does? But it's necessary.



day breakin' on the boulevard
feel the sun warmin' up your second-hand heart
light swimmin' right across your face and you think
maybe someday, yeah, maybe someday

I'm saying 'necessary' a lot, I'm seeing. Not 'what will make me happy', not 'what will help me', not 'what will make everyone feel better'--no, just...what's necessary. Both 'what gets me through this, now, with a minimum of collateral damage', and 'what gets me through all the tomorrows to come without losing everything'.



yeah, for all you know
for all you know
this is what you wanna be
girl, what you wanna be

Because, ultimately--and I've said this before--I had the life so very nearly balanced. Work, play, love, support--everything was so close to being in place.

Then...this. And everything else spiraled out of control along with it. Work is a nightmare, I don't want to play anymore, I have love that doesn't precisely help, and support that feels more like crucifixion than stabilization. Yay me.

But we keep going on regardless. Fall down, stagger back up again, find fuel along the way. Keep the engine burning. It's in the nature of a life direction, after all.

(Pictures taken at Vespertine, Talina Shara, Hauntings @ Old Town W, The Church Fetishwear, Unnatural and Angel Dust. Dreamstone, Lyrics from Matchbox Twenty's The Difference.)