I was so much younger yesterday

"Someone I once knew wrote that we walk away from our dreams afraid that we may fail or, worse yet, afraid that we may succeed."
~Mike Rich (screenwriter for Finding Forrester)

been looking forward to the future
but my eyesight is going bad
in these crystal balls
it's always cloudy except for
when you look into the past...

Down side of being a retrocog.

So, there is more processing to be done. Not only because there is, but because I still have a couple of these waiting to post, written in varying levels of AGH. Here, though, today, or, at least, earlier this morning...I think I hit a plateau. Of sorts.



consider this a sign
this is a train in the night
and now it's time for you to go
you know you've had a healthy life

End result of all the thinking: I am not now, nor in future, going to say my dominant was wrong in the ban. We all do what we believe is best, and wrong or right, we all must take responsibility for our own actions. And I am cognizant of the burden I place on anyone who attempts to care for me. I am the crucible that destroys as often as it purifies, and far more often than I'd prefer, I am my greatest enemy.



I had everything
opportunities for eternity
and I could belong to the night--

But what has become inescapable: it's backfired, and I'm not sure if that was anticipated or not. And I'm not sure how to bring that up without sounding crazed or desperate--both states I've experienced in the last week-plus, to be sure, but not relevant to the main.



yeah, I'm guilty
don't come near me
the one thing I'm good at is messing up somebody else

Which is: by removing sex from the equation, I was forced to move away from the steady state of unthinking desire—a desire I didn't have to over-analyze--and into figuring out what the rest of the feelings meant. What was left between us if we were only friends without the benefits? Was there anything beyond just physical enjoyment, a perhaps lightly perceived, at least at the time, emotional connection, a sense of shared bliss?

And...yes. By any metric, yes. What that means for the rest of my life is still unclear. In other words: oh, hello, potential depth charge. I have not missed you.



now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
everything that freaks me out
the lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

Oh, come ON! There's TWO of them now?? I SAID I GOT IT, LAY OFF.

Anyway...do I think that shaped charge is dangerous for my dominant? I don't think so, or at least, not completely. Do I think it’s dangerous for my RL? No; oddly, we feel more stable than we have been even over the last few years. And I don't think it's even intended for that other heart, or his love/s—the last thing I want, or intend, is any harm to them.



you think you have the best of intentions
I cannot shake the taste of blood in my mouth

No, I think it's meant for me, and I can't perceive the shape of the change entirely, at least at present. I do know that when--or if, but far more likely when--it does detonate, it's going to hurt. There's something in there about how I care, how I love, how unthinking I can be both with affections I hold and affections others hold for me. There's a bit about thinking through actions before blindly striding forward on whim alone. But that's just surface wrapping. There’s more underneath. And that more...scares me a little.



welcome to the room of people
who have rooms of people that they loved one day
docked away
just because we check the guns at the door
doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades

I don't honestly know where I go from here, or who I'm going with to which I'm not already strongly attached. But Sumie, I get the light now. I get the warning through the mental fog. I wish I didn't, but...yeah. I get it. I see it.

Nobody ever said we couldn't lie to ourselves. But we can only lie to ourselves so long. And I am not a simple enough creature that I move from one love to another and never look back. No, I just seem to add to the ones I have.



forgive, sounds good
forget, I'm not sure I could
they say time heals everything
but I'm still waiting

And now we're here. And here is...bleak.

Maybe I just need to look into courtly love. What did knights do if their objects of devotion didn't do anything else with them but hold hands, or dance, or hug? It's profoundly not my gig...obviously...but maybe I need to bring it back. Since the situation has been aptly instituted for me...

(Pictures taken at the City of Ithea [apparently...largely Gorean furs?? Which I didn't think was a thing?? So...let's just not mention that], Shallow Dream [part of the Bare Rose chain of sims], Enchanted Fantasy, Hex Orchid, Black Tulip and Grey's Mind Maze.

(In order, the song lyrics used: Fall Out Boy, Thnks fr th Mmrs; Remy Zero, Prophecy; The Pretty Reckless, Make Me Wanna Die; Paloma Faith, Guilty; Blue October, Into the Ocean; Seether, Country Song; twenty one pilots, Heathens; and The Chicks, Not Ready to Make Nice.)