the whole thing’s a profound disappointment

This doesn't come from an SL chat, it comes from a Discord chat, so the names are different. Because it amuses me, I'm going to anonymize names not mine, and keep the emojis for names mine. I need things that make my brain giggle. Especially after this idiocy. (I'm including the whole article, in case you want to read the thing, but I only separated out some points in my response.)

We start here:

2:10 PM] Memelly : So, that article is clearly written by a straight man, I don't even have to scroll up to check the name. I KNOW it was written by a straight man just based on lines like this:

In today’s culture, sex and power are mixed together and that’s why most women fall for more powerful men, while men fantasize about being powerful and therefore irresistible. and this: The submissive is the baby girl or servant who pleases the dominant.

Truth, as I determined after--the brain-dead idiot who wrote this is a man.

[2:11 PM] Memelly : Jon Snow, you know nothing.
[2:12 PM] Memelly : Also, D/s is not always a lifestyle. It seems like he thinks BDSM is for weekenders, and D/s is the "true" way, where submissives submit 24/7 to the Perfect God Dominant.
[2:12 PM] Memelly : Gods, I hate idiots like this.
[2:12 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: That Baby Girl one got me, as if male littles wasn't a thing.
[2:12 PM] Memelly : Right.

In the myriad styles of BDSM and D/s, one of the major paths--and obviously, one not for everyone--is named DD/l, or DD/little. When this path started, it had two forms: DD/lg (Daddy Dominant/little girl) and MD/bb (Mommy Domme/baby boy). It was soon seen that these terms were, overall, limiting. What happens when the sub is non-binary? What happens if it's Mommy Domme/little girl? What happens if it's Daddy Dominant/little boy? The terms change when they need changing.

[2:13 PM] Memelly : AND if you notice, there is NO references so far to female dominants and male submissives, like they don't exist either.
[2:13 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: It tries, with the whole 'Dominant' thing, but it's token and feels like someone edited it in

It does. And this is not the first time this article feels like someone grabbed it after Mr. Man finished it and edited in some things quick to tone down the MRA rhetoric.

[2:14 PM] Memelly : The first thing he's said I agree with: there are many different way to express dominance and submission. Yes. That one he got right.
[2:14 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: And the pictures~ Oh man. Every single picture is either a head-shot of a handsome guy, or sexy females in kinkgear.

Worse than that? Nearly every instance is a head or head and shoulders shot of a man in a power suit, and them women cuffed or tied generally nude. The women who aren't nude are generally in fetish gear where, in all but one case, it could be taken as a submissive woman dressing up, not a dominant woman preparing to play.

[2:14 PM] Memelly : The core of a Dom/sub relationship is the fact that the dominant takes full control of everything. NO. You are [F**CKING] WRONG about that.
[2:15 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: This is the only male in fetishwear, and it's utterly casual, no sexualization to it

The person in question likely wasn't asked for his picture to be included in so dumb an article, so while I'm leaving the link in, I'm also including the link to Fionn Scott's Instagram as a whole.

[2:15 PM] Memelly : In some situations, yes, for a scene, for a day, for a weekend, or, with agreement, for a life, absolutely. BUT 24/7 has to be carefully negotiated unless the dominant is a multibillionaire, because most people in the real world need to work.

And maybe own their own island, or something.

[2:16 PM] Memelly : The one case I knew of where those kinds of restrictive rules were in place, and worked, WORKED because she held down a job as a normal human, and then came home and was denied clothing and was denied food unless her dominant agreed. And hey, guess what, shocker, they had BOTH negotiated that out in advance. He wanted that level of control--with consent--and she wanted to lose weight and didn't feel she had the self control.
[2:17 PM] Memelly : Note that domination involves taking and not giving so the dominant expects to be pleased in whatever way they like by the submissive. Basically, the dominant expects nothing short of obedience. ALSO [F**KING] WRONG, you moron.
[2:18 PM] Memelly : Dark gods, this is all about 24/7 compliance. Who does he think he is, Christian Grey?
[2:21 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: I got some of that feeling too
[2:23 PM] Memelly : The summed up roles of domination include:

1. Taking responsibilities. Yes, generally, or at least keeping in mind that the submissive is a person with their own thoughts, feelings and desires, so in some sense the dominant is taking some responsibility for their emotional, mental and physical well-being. (This can include commands to do or not do specific things, as well as commands that will please the dominant but may make the submissive uncomfortable.)
2. Being in full control. Um, NO. Being in full, absolute control is for the dominants who want their submissives to be tattooed with their mark or branded or given a 'slave number'. This is NOT what everyone does.
3. Prioritizing their desires and choices. To an extent, but also, not completely true. Yes, if the submissive accepts domination, s/he keeps that dominant's desires in mind, whether they're sexual or everyday. That is part of what makes a submissive a submissive. But not to the exclusion of their own personal identity, value, external life or personhood, UNLESS that has been negotiated in advance.
4. Performing duties to their submissive partner. Yes. Aftercare is important. Negotiating is important. Checking in is important.
5. Demanding compliance and obedience. What? **ONLY IF YOU'RE IN THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP**. It's like all he thinks is a D/s relationship is utter slavery and total male power fantasy.

[2:28 PM] Memelly : tosses random things around for a bit, calming down
[2:29 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: offers Emi some expresso chocolate.
[2:31 PM] Kxxxxxxxxx: Yeah, that was about the rant I was looking forward too. Thank you for reading and opining, Emi.
[2:33 PM] Memelly : grins
[2:33 PM] Memelly : Gods, he's dumb.
[2:34 PM] Cxxxxxx: I'm glad I'm not crazy

This was actually the lass who was given this article as "helpful advice".

[2:42 PM] Memelly : The ideal definition of a submissive partner is the one who elevates their partner’s needs above theirs. This is both yes and no. SOME dominants want this, total adoration and sublimation of the submissive's personality so that all focus is on them. (I tend to refer to these as "wannabes" or "insecure doms".) But by and large, while the submissive will elevate their dominant's wants and needs above their own, and want to please them, they also have their own needs, opinions, desires, and wants. And the partner that forgets that on either side is now in an abusive relationship.
As the submissive, you may not like the idea of being punished but it doesn’t mean you will resist it. No, obviously not. Part of the agreement for nearly all D/s relationships is admitting fault, and when one has made a mistake, accepting punishment for it. That doesn't mean ALL relationships are "You're being punished." "Yes, Master." Like, my current situation? I can ALWAYS ask why, I can ALWAYS ask what the punishment will be, and while it's on me how much I try to wiggle around it (and it's me, it's a bad trait, but I do do that), that in itself is not punishable.
You accept another human being's control over you in a variety of ways, such as complying with your dominant’s demands in bed. Sometimes, you will not give your opinions until your dominant states theirs. Wow, again, he's so wrong on some of these it hurts. Yes, the submissive accepts control on their behaviors and desires. There's a lot of ways this can function--BDSM, sceneing, there are deeper and lighter levels of control, and it can stop at the bedroom or extend into other areas. But if the submissive is in the hands of someone who doesn't care about them at all? Again, abusive relationship.

[2:42 PM] Memelly : Basically, these are the roles of the submissive:

1. Elevating the desires of the dominant above theirs That's a given. But it's not total compliance in all cases.
2. Accepting to be controlled This is also a given, but again, 'control' means different things to different people. 24/7 iron-collar types see 'control' in one sense; DD/lg or DD/lb relationships see it differently. There's a LOT of variation.
3. Expressing the desire to please the dominant Well, duh. But again, it's not total, it's not the sole and only focus.

[2:42 PM] Memelly : Wow, I'm writing a book, apparently.

Of course I kept going. Of course I did.

[2:44 PM] Memelly : First of all, there are no hard or fast rules; the partners create their own principles regarding what to comply with, what to avoid, and how to enforce the rules. Oh, you consummate, brain-dead slug. Are you kidding? You're dogmatic as to what constitutes D/s relationships for everyone, and VERY damned clear that D/s relationships are ONLY between strong male dominants and fragile female submissives, and NOW you say this? Screw you sideways with barbed wire.
[2:44 PM] Memelly : The whole D/s concept is based on a set of standards, some of which are deep-rooted in the power dynamic, and the rest are implemented as reactions to the dynamic. There are no standards. There are guidelines, and everyone is free to explore those guidelines, but there are NO dogmatic do-this-or-die rules in that sense.

[2:46 PM] Memelly : Though, I totally agree with his first "rule", but I'd expand it to any relationship. Open and honest communication is vital, whether you're in a D/s relationship, a monogamous marriage, or a polyamorous triad. You need to keep the lines of communication open, or things fail. (I know this from personal experience in several different directions.)

[2:47 PM] Memelly : Make time to discuss issues freely and learn how to read your partners signals or safe words. Hoo, boy. I agree, but again, everything he's written to this point is how the submissive has NO agency, how the submissive does everything the dominant wants and cannot say no, ever.
[2:48 PM] Memelly : The whole concept of the safeword is just that--retaining the ability to say no. And if the submissive doesn't have that, again, abusive relationship. (I'd also add that if the dominant doesn't feel up to doing something, the dominant also has the right to say no, because we are human people and sometimes we aren't up to things!)
[2:49 PM] Memelly : 2. Realistic expectations
If you are the dominant partner, always leave your submissive begging for more rather than making them wish you hadn’t gone an extra mile If you are the dominant partner, always leave your submissive begging for more rather than making them wish you hadn’t gone an extra mile I...do not understand this.
[2:49 PM] Memelly : Like, don't push things until they just want to stop and go home? Or always leaving them in that state of orgasm denial? I mean, you're not being clear here.
[2:50 PM] Memelly : The D/s relationship requires both parties to be emotionally and physically healthy. Pffffft. You are SO full of [sh*t].
[2:51 PM] Memelly : Okay, serious talk time. Is it ideal if both partners are young, at the peak of health, well-off financially, and well-adjusted psychologically?: Sure.
[2:51 PM] Memelly : Are two random people attracted to this level of interaction with another person going to be young, healthy, well-off and a paragon of psychological health? Of course not.
[2:52 PM] Memelly : I know people who are in wheelchairs that are in D/s relationships. I know a guy with CP who is a submissive for his female dominant--every single aspect of BDSM hurts him, and they have to be very creative about how they play.
[2:53 PM] Memelly : But they still play. He's found swings very helpful, because that takes the weight off his legs, and she can do what they both want without tying him to something, which can cause other problems. So this idiot is DEAD WRONG here.
[2:55 PM] Memelly : Now, his definition of "Enjoyable Rules" also makes sense, which at this point amazes me, because he hasn't made a lot of good points. But he is right here--extreme play ALWAYS requires negotiation, and even 'average' play can also require talking things out. While I know people who engage in spontaneous scenes, their partners are generally open to whatever, and they've talked out that willingness beforehand.
[2:57 PM] Memelly : The Patience rule, specifically this part: Gentleness, subtlety, and finesse fit into the definition of the dominant. Really? Really, Mr. Men-Have-all-the-Power-and-are-Gods Dominant? I mean, yes, it's a good point, but do you really believe this is true? Because the rest of this article doesn't prove that out.
[2:58 PM] Memelly : I will say that good dominants, really secure dominants who know themselves in and out, can and do engage in this. The most knock-down, drag-out, studded-codpiece Leather Daddies I've met genuinely care for their subs. I was at a public dungeon once where a Daddy in full leather gear and motorcycle boots was whipping a young blond twink in a black leather harness as he was stretched out, cuffed to a King's Cross.
[2:59 PM] Memelly : He struck down, the blond yelped in a high-pitched tone, and that leather god dropped EVERYTHING, right* then. "Baby, you all right?" He was right* at the guy's side, stroking his hair, and you could see by the way he was nuzzling into his leather glove that they were going to last for a while. (And they did, at least for the last six years I was in Denver.)
[3:01 PM] Memelly : THAT is good domination. Light or hard, if you know your partner well enough to pick up on the difference between normal 'ow this hurts' and genuine distress, you are doing your job as a dominant, and as a caring partner in general. (And yes, it is ABSOLUTELY necessary for the submissive to be honest in those scenes, too--if something hurts more than they can handle, and they don't say anything, they can get seriously hurt. Same thing with being tied up. If something cramps, that sub needs to let the dom know. That communication thing again.)

Absolutely. The dominant must pay attention to the submissive. Full stop.

[3:04 PM] Memelly : Now, the next rule, Honesty, I'd generally put under communication, but it turns out he actually means being able to openly gauge our strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes we're attracted to people that aren't good matches for our needs, that's duh channel territory. And it's hard, and sometimes deeply painful, but we have to keep communicating. And hey, it's not always 'you're wrong for me' and gone--again, I've known people where the submissive thought it wasn't working out, and it turned out they weren't being completely honest with what they wanted. Guess what? Once they were, that relationship drastically improved.
[3:04 PM] Memelly : That doesn't always happen, but it can, and that's the point of insisting on open communication.
[3:05 PM] Memelly : 7. Humility Even if you are the most talented human being on earth, you don’t need to boast about it - no one wants to hear that. See, this is what I term the 'wannabe' camp. Or even worse, the ones that edge into the no-limits nonsense on the submissive side.< br /> [3:06 PM] Memelly : I can't even count the number of idiot guys I've come across who bark "Kneel, bitch!" at me just because I'm wearing a collar. Yeah, no, die in a fire, I say when I kneel.
[3:06 PM] Memelly : (And yeah, not all of them have been in SL.)
[3:07 PM] Memelly : The no-limits people, usually Gorean girls on SL, because this doesn't tend to happen in RL without a murder charge, scare most real dominants. Because you have to have limits. Even on SL, where nothing is "real" in the sense that you can actually feel limbs being cut off, bruises on your real face, whip scores on your back.
[3:09 PM] Memelly : This indicates to any sane dominant that they will not say no, that they will not safeword, and that is terrifying. There's a series of books by Laurell K. Hamilton that features a no-limits guy, and the second time Anita Blake meets him, he was tied to a pillar in the center of a tiled room, with nine silver swords shoved through his body (it's an urban fantasy series, for anyone who doesn't know, so yeah, he was a shapeshifter and reacted badly to silver).
[3:11 PM] Memelly : She nearly had to tear him open to remove the swords from his body, because they'd left him there long enough for his body to grow over the metal. Now obviously, this is not going to happen with mere humans, but there are still limits. Again, unless you specifically work that out in advance. Some of the German BDSM films I've seen qualify as torture porn, basically, but they had that intro beforehand or after that X agreed to everything Y was going to do. I wouldn't do it, but with agreement, sure, knock yourselves out, TO that point of getting arrested. You push past that, you deserve what you get.
[3:12 PM] Memelly : 8. Open-mindedness You have to be open-minded. It’s true that no two human beings can have similar perspectives on every aspect of life, but you don’t have to dismiss your partner’s opinions.[3:14 PM] Memelly : I admit to struggling with this one where D/s is involved, but I also know there are areas I don't need to explore, and I'm clear on that with those that want to dominate me. Some of those limits are known here, some aren't, but I'm very willing to talk about them. Now, presented in the right way, with someone I trust, yes, I might reconsider on some, but most definitely not all. If someone wants to dominate me, and has a specific desire that's on my not-even-once list, then they either need to figure out a way to work around that with me, or not do that thing. Every submissive has different limits, and different points of stop, and that's fine.
[3:15 PM] Memelly : His rule about "Authenticity" is also confusing.
[3:16 PM] Memelly : Surrender all your power and raise genuine concerns when necessary. That is a sentence that is incompatible with itself. If the submissive surrenders all power, then they no longer have the ability to raise concerns. Period. And if they can raise genuine concerns, then they are not surrendering utterly.[3:16 PM] Memelly : While the submissive is expected to act like a servant, the two partners should serve one another. Have I mentioned recently I really hate this guy?
[3:26 PM] Memelly : That is a VERY specific form of BDSM, and it's not everyone's.
[3:26 PM] Memelly : As with all Wiki articles, take this with a grain of salt, but some general terms and practices he profoundly misses: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_of_BDSM[3:27 PM] Memelly : And what he seems to be talking about through most of this article is servitude: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Service-oriented_(sexuality)[3:27 PM] Memelly : Now, when I think of servitude D/s, I typically imagine slaves on a long chain cuffed to something in the kitchen so they can clean, or to a post in the yard so they can do yard work. This isn't everyone's definition, a'course, but it sounds awfully like what he's describing.
[3:30 PM] Memelly : On the other side, the dominant partner must not force their sub to refer to them in particular titles such as 'Master' or 'Sir'. I would also say he's hedging on this one. Again, with the "only heterosexuals can do D/s properly" attitude, which is deeply galling, but even setting that aside, no. Some dominants like titles. Some don't. Some submissives give titles to their doms. Some don't. It is not an all-or-nothing thing.
[3:31 PM] Memelly : And his conclusion is just completely baffling, because I swear it's written by someone else entirely. Because it ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE, as opposed to blathers on about how the girl submits to everything because The Man is all-powerful.
[3:31 PM] Memelly : I'd agree with everything said in the conclusion, which is why it's baffling, because I have severe reservations on most of the article.
[3:31 PM] Memelly : There. Book finished.

There was discussion past this point, which, if people are really interested in, I can capture from Discord and drag into another post, but these were the main points of disagreement. There's also a few formatting errors I can't seem to track down, so...hell with it, it's going out.


Made it through another year. Yay me.