where enough is not the same it was before

"I scare myself with the way that I need you
there's no one else, tell me that you can feel it too
I'd crawl through hell if it meant that I could keep you
I scare myself, I come unraveled..."

There are a great many moments where I pause and wonder: am I on the right path? Or, perhaps more succinctly--am I on the path I need to be on? Because right or wrong, it always comes back to that.

It's not that I won't make mistakes. I make a great many mistakes. It's that I want to be sure they're mine to make, that I take full responsibility both for my failures, and my successes.

"let the revels begin, let the fire be started
we're dancing for the restless and the broken-hearted..."

Everyone has their own tragedy. Some of us are given them, some of us write our own. I think I've done both at various times. And perhaps the writing never stopped.

"from the light on high, a chance to change your fate
forgiveness falling down on those who chose to wait
remember the time, find yourself home again..."

I know where home is. I have the star to my wandering bark. It took me a while to find north, but I know which way to go. Or...I know where I need to end up, but there is some question as to how best to get there.



There is always another path. There is always another choice. We just may not like the choices we're given.

"things are getting weirder at the speed of light
nightmare girl
all this fever dreaming kills my appetite
for love and restless nights--"

At least the nightmares have leveled off, that's something. The hallucinations, well, I may always have those, but the nightmares have moved on from their wetly-worn ruts through the grey matter.



"I lust for after no disaster can touch
touch us anymore
and more than ever, we hope to never fall
where enough is not the same it was before..."

I've told this story before. I'm tired of it. It's all treading water, and I want to walk on land. Which is not how the analogy usually goes, but...when have I ever been predictable? At least in that way.

"take your head around the world
and see what you get, from your mind
write your soul down word for word
see who's your friend, and who is kind...

well, it's almost like a disease..."

Change is coming. Change must come. The center cannot hold. I cast the lantern back and forth, peering through the shadows. The path will become clear, but it may mean upending large parts of my life. And maybe it's time for that.

I've grown content with the strictures I've chosen. A large part of me wants to remain in stasis, but...things must change. And sometimes, pain comes before the blossoming. It's the way of life, after all.

A window opens, a door closes...but doors can be reopened. It's what they are. after all. We just have to be prepared for what's on the other side.

(Lyrics used: Beth Crowley, 'I Scare Myself'; Remy Zero, 'Prophecy'; Ellen Aim and the Attackers, 'Tonight Is What It Means to Be Young'; Aimee Mann, 'Nightmare Girl'; Poets of the Fall, 'Carnival of Rust'; and Matchbox Twenty's 'You Won't Be Mine'.)

(Also, where I went to take these. In order: Joker's Carnival of Carnage [NSFW, and PLEASE read the note that follows at the end before going!], Forest in the Sky [Adult], Hauntings at Old Town W, Cloud's Freak Show, another shot from Joker's Carnival, and finally, Der Spooky Haunted Halloween Island [which has a default beam-in point, but since the sim is underwater, and no flying is permitted, this is how you get directly to the turtle with the piano. Yes, I said turtle].)

(THAT ADDITIONAL NOTE: Joker's Carnival is a r*pe/capture sim, VERY NSFW, with a penchant for harming, mutilating, and ending male victims. Be warned--they want your blood, and...more. [Me they left alone, go figure. ])