under the sea, under the sea

The artifacting is so bad on this at this point, but something brought Caledon: the Musical to mind again, and I went to see if it was still online, and it was. It's so strange, looking back at it now. Several of those faces are no longer with us. Most (though not all) of the relationships have dissolved, though some still remain friends. Des is still pretty much just Des, though.

I've never thought that I had any particular influence in Caledon as a whole. I still don't. But I have remained, for good or ill, a presence. I guess that counts for something?

In the meantime, I was actually free for one of the Aruba Deep mer dances!

[12:51] Jxxxxxx Cxxxx: mer dance starts in 9 minutes!
[12:53] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Group Notice Sent by: Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx
~~ Merdance Aruba to Start in a few Minutes ~~
Tala my Friends,

Dance with us in few minutes

Map Attached,
Jxxxx.
[12:53] Jxxxxxx Cxxxx: fine notice almost up to my standard

Now, I had given birth at this point, but I had bought an orca outfit--stylistically, a bodysuit with fins--to change into, since I felt I could make the connection in my mind between 'putting on fins' as opposed to 'shapeshifting into them'. (My mind is a strange place at times.)

[12:54] Mxxxxxx Sxxxx: hey pretty [Jxx] :)
[12:54] Mxxxxxx Sxxxx: I come after the mix there for animals:)
[12:54] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: my notices are simply excellent :)
[12:55] Jon (jonform.coeur): uh huh
[12:55] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :))
[12:57] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *quick drink before the start*
[12:58] Jxxxxx Dxxxxxxx: my notice was still dripping wet
[12:58] Jon (jonform.coeur): soggy notices are a problem
[12:59] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: water proof LM
[12:59] Jon (jonform.coeur): laminate it
[13:00] Jon (jonform.coeur): we started you're late!
[13:01] Mxxxxxx Sxxxx: hmmm :)
[13:01] Mxxxxxx Sxxxx: [Mxxxx] tu es là ?
[13:01] Jon (jonform.coeur): nope shes late

DJ Crim was spinning tunes again, in a DJ deck grown from shells and coral. Happiest seahorse I have ever seen.

[13:02] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yes! I am here, I need to find my pieces lol
[13:02] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lost my hair, my tail
[13:02] Jon (jonform.coeur): hmm
[13:03] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please put slurl
[13:03] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: here
[13:04] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Aruba 1700 (91,80,7)
[13:10] Jon (jonform.coeur): taking [Rxxx] a while to find her bits
[13:10] rxxxxxxx Rdxxxxxxx: JUST NOW
[13:10] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: me too lol do i have to find my tail to participate lol?
[13:10] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: SL can be such pain ..
[13:11] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel it LOL
[13:11] Jon (jonform.coeur): well it would help but not essential
[13:11] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: just let me know if you want an TP :)
[13:11] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: will do just looking for my tail lol thank you [Jxxxx] and [Jxx]
[13:11] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Though I'm sure there's enough casters here, we could be sure you won't drown :D
[13:12] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: aww thank you :)

I'd never seen couples' dances for mers before. Kind of neat. Had a chance later to try one with a couple different people, and while there's far more swooping around each other than actually "dancing" together, it's still neat.

[13:12] Jon (jonform.coeur): we even have an Orca here this week we are honoured
[13:13] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) smiles
[13:13] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: they dont eat erm anyone right?
[13:13] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Noooo
[13:13] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Sharks, occasionally
[13:13] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no only eat wrong *grins*
[13:13] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *so doesnt feel erm convinced *
[13:13] Jon (jonform.coeur): looks friendly enough
[13:13] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: smiling?
[13:14] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: showing teeth and such?
[13:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Well, happy?
[13:14] Jon (jonform.coeur): yup
[13:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): No. No teeth.
[13:14] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Just beauty there :)
[13:14] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *gulps*
[13:14] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): She seems nervous.
[13:14] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ah no i feel reassured
[13:14] Kxxxx Hxxxxxxxx: only eat late people

Yeah, I know, I know, I thought bringing in the orca mer would be nicely inconspicious. And there were mers there with very showy tails, gorgeous things, but...yeah, my monochrome self did stand out a bit.

[13:15] Jon (jonform.coeur): dolphin here too
[13:15] Kxxxx Hxxxxxxxx giggles
[13:15] Jon (jonform.coeur): lol
[13:15] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh :(
[13:15] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and I guess I am late
[13:15] Jon (jonform.coeur): you have an excuse
[13:15] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): You do!
[13:16] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ok my tail is flying around without me
[13:16] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Ay I can bring the orca but it would take all the dance floor lol
[13:16] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Well, that's not good
[13:16] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): True. I am a very very small orca in comparison.
[13:16] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: nope not a pretty site at all :(
[13:16] Jon (jonform.coeur): that tail has a mind of its own
[13:17] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *nods at [Jxx]* I tried to tame it
[13:26] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: this will hace to do LOL
[13:26] Jon (jonform.coeur): it will be fine

This tail, for instance. It shimmered. Depending on which light pool it traveled through, it spun with different colors, glittered, sparkled. Amazing.

[13:26] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you cant see what I see LOL
[13:27] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: erm can I please have a tp :)
[13:28] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: course!
[13:28] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thank you :)
[13:29] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *set meter OOC*
[13:29] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) needs a meter?
[13:30] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not here Emilly:)
[13:30] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: We still can breathe
[13:30] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Welp, [Sxxxx] just died, I guess she didn't get the memo
[13:30] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: argh

Yeah, my first mer dance in Aruba, and we had mers dying on the dance floor. Quite the dramatic experience.

[13:30] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it is [Cxxxxx]
[13:30] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Cxxxxx] had the PD one on still
[13:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So wait
[13:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): She drowned??
[13:31] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): 0.0
[13:31] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she was wearing human meter

TIL that the Aruban mers have two separate RP meter systems, one for tails, one for two-legs. Huh. And if you're under the water--even if the sim owners say it's oxygen-rich enough for humans to breathe--the meters don't care. You're trying to breathe water, you die. End of discussion.

[13:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): And [Cxxxxx] just dropped
[13:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Silly me, I just grew gills
[13:31] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:32] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: very practical :)
[13:32] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I didnt know
[13:32] Jon (jonform.coeur): just detach it
[13:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) grins
[13:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Such excitement below the waves
[13:33] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I cant the fonds in the water wont let me reach to detach it tho
[13:33] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: reset
[13:33] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: press the back of your head
[13:34] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I cant get there to press it, floating things get in the way
[13:34] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oh dear
[13:34] Jxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yah that prolly the mesh mists
[13:35] Jon (jonform.coeur): tp home and detach it
[13:37] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ok metor detached
[13:37] Jon (jonform.coeur): yay
[13:37] cxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thank you I went home and detached it
[13:37] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: termimetor

All in all, it was quite the wonderful dance, even with the random deathing. I'm so happy I went.

And from another IM:

[13:09] Nxxx Fxxxxxxxx: orcas have no scales. very smooth skin : )
[13:10] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Strangely true
[13:10] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Though I did find a subtle scale pattern for makeup I thought went with
[13:11] Nxxx Fxxxxxxxx: scientists tryed to make an artificial dolpin skin for less friction for submarines. but they failed
[13:36] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) missed that you replied! But that is interesting. Wonder if that would actually work.
[13:37] Nxxx Fxxxxxxxx: they tried decades ago and gave up. but material science has improved since then
[13:38] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): That would be a fascinating experiment. Also to figure out if sound bouncing off synthetic skin is different than sound bouncing off a metal hull.
[13:38] Nxxx Fxxxxxxxx: LOL steath submarines for the win!
[13:39] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yes!

I mean...it's still a fascinating idea. I wonder if it's gone anywhere.

it's a fact of life, your final act is gonna need some work

WELL THIS WAS FUN--

[10:46] axxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: how was your day today?
[10:48] axxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh let me run to madpea to get my day gift for valentines before I forget
[10:48] axxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oops sorry wrong chat

Could've been worse.

[10:48] jxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx hugs [Axxx] "haha, you and me both!"
[10:51] Rxxxxxxxx Rxxxx: Good thing I never post in the wrong chat. (Did I say that without blushing?)
[10:52] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: At least it wasn't something 'really special' where you want the ground to swallow you up after :D

Yeah, been there, done that...far too many times.

[10:53] Rxxxxxxxx Rxxxx: oh I like thos better :)
[10:53] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: *giggles*
[10:53] Rxxxxxxxx Rxxxx: so we all hold our breath if she would post more :)
[10:53] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: mmhmmm :D
[10:53] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: where's the popcorn? :D
[10:54] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: well puddles, I haven't seen even one heart...lol...my graphics may not be good enough!

During all this, there was a hunt on the sim. It's not relevant other than people occasionally mention it.

. [10:54] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: tho on the other end they turn redder than their hair. Well at least in my case anyway :D
[10:58] jxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: push your glasses up, get on some good shoes and scan around. You know [Ixx] is the Hide and Seek winner of champs by now! =-)
[11:11] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh please .. why can i not enter , i did no harm to any, if i spoke i asked

All well and good, right? Just chatter back and forth. But no, meet Ms. A, who's either extremely argumentative or extremely stupid by nature. I can't figure out which.

[11:11] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i can not enter
[11:12] bxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I would check your script count
[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i never go into any public chat .. but to ask

I mean...good for you? But really, you should just ask for help from a mod. It's why they're there, or at least, one of the reasons.

[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: they exist!! I found one!!
[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no i am a cat .. it am good on that
[11:12] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: gosh
[11:15] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ah lost a letter but well .. if you don't want me there i go to other skin shops .. but refund my member ship please, legally a ban would stilll do that hihi .. i do not get the ban .. i sometimes talks of a board not working but otherwise i never speak out anything lol

Err...no, there you're wrong--if a group charges a fee, you don't get it back, even if you're banned. Which it doesn't sound like you were, anyway?

[11:18] dxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: u should really check your scriptcount as [bxx] said, if you would be banned you would have gotten a notice about the reason

Ms. D's another mod. She would know.

[11:22] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no i am a cat.. i am like 40k .. it is that i mentioned the board was not working lol .. it did not .. it was just so you knew ... there where more that noticed but i only reported lol

And that can't be it, either, we say that a lot. "[X giveaway thing] is down again." High-traffic sim, it happens. We're then told they're working on it, or they will get to it, or they thank us because they hadn't yet heard, and everyone moves on.

[11:23] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the rendercost is not the scripts
[11:23] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ok so how i check that lol
[11:24] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i can see appearance
[11:24] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i never had a problem before
[11:24] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and i did not change my cat

Yeah, but chicklet, you're still missing the point--you haven't BEEN banned.

[11:24] Txxxxxxxx Exxxx: (Axxxxx], check your IMs
[11:25] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol thank you

Okay! You're getting help! Awesome! (She types, knowing what's going to happen.)

[11:25] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i got the message that i got a 2 hour ban .. i don't know why

Here's my other problem with all this: I'm not going to say she's lying, but...I have never heard of this store, or this designer, handing out two hour bans. It's pretty much all or nothing--she works it out with you, or you're gone. No in-between.

[11:26] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but it seems to enter count when i am on
[11:26] Ixxxx Zxxx: we never ban people for a hour or so

And there's confirmation.

[11:26] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Probably running a high script ratio, then. Which likely comes down to expression control huds, head control hud, tail hud, whatever.
[11:27] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: gosh... if you go off with it .. bless you .. i just go find another skin store that is not this .. pathetic .. cause i still don't know why .. as i never do anythign i just look the boards .. is it cause i don't buy ? i did buy in past lol but sure won't now

"Pathetic". That's...what you're going with? Really?

[11:27] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Whoa.
[11:27] Axxxxxxxxx Txxxx shakes her head.
[11:27] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I get you're irked about the ban, but to go from 'why is this happening' to 'pathetic' is a leap, isn't it?
[11:27] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yeah whaoa indeed , i am banned for some hours for no reason

Missing the point, chicklet.

[11:28] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Just ask a mod.
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thanks
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i did
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol

So...why aren't you leaving it in their hands?

[11:28] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you was getting already lots of help, we mentioned things and [Lxxx] even wrote your personal.
[11:28] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yet, you still said 'pathetic', is the thing.
[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and yes

Was she confirming that she was getting help and still threw a fit in group chat??

[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so i should shut up about it here right ?

Ideally...if you're already working with a mod, keep doing that. Don't complain fruitlessly.

[11:28] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i still don't know why i am banned , i am a cat .. i do no harm to anyone
[11:28] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: would you maybe read your Ims, that was sended to you?

That would be nice, yes.

[11:29] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i read them [Dxxxxx]
[11:29] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thank you
[11:29] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol

Really? Doesn't sound like it. Or do you mean, 'Why yes, I read them, but I didn't reply to them, because I'm an idiot'? Because that is also what it sounds like.

[11:29] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: banned is different that ejected

Usually, but I'm still wondering where that 'You've been banned for two hours' thing came from. This store doesn't do that. This maker doesn't do that. So where was she seeing that?

[11:29] Qxxx Bxxxxx: it won't get you anywhere so I'd shut up before you DO get banned.

And she really should have taken this advice...

[11:30] Ixxxx Zxxx: we did NOT ban you

And now you snagged the attention of the skin designer. Go you.

[11:30] Ixxxx Zxxx: we NEVER ban people for a hour or so
[11:30] Ixxxx Zxxx: we ban or dont ban
[11:30] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oooof. Please, [Axxxxx], for the love of all gods, breathe and read your IMs.
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: i would think 'ban' would include being unable to chat in group?

Actually, you'd like to think that, but until that person relogs or closes the group chat window, they have access. It's a glitch that's never been fixed.

[11:31] Ixxxx Zxxx: so something must be going on thats not as it should be
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i just asked and get banned .. woow what a business
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thanks all

Which is not what's going on, you absolute unseasoned chicken wing. Pause in the outrage for five seconds and turn your brain on.

[11:31] Ixxxx Zxxx: anyways... drop it in the chat and IM one of the staff plz
[11:31] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i hope you have a bliss about it then it has some course lol
[11:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): If it were a permanent ban--which is all I've heard [Ixxxx] do--likely, yes. And she's still in the group, so....
[11:31] Ixxxx Zxxx: lets find out what happend
[11:31] Cxxxxxx Cxxxx: over scripted?
[11:31] Txxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: they haven't banned you
[11:31] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Exactly.

In my defense--in everyones' defense--we were trying to help, we were just typing fast, so it hadn't registered the group owner had said to stop. Our bad.

[11:32] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: its nice nice to insult people that try to help in IM, just saying .-=)
[11:32] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Mmhmm.
[11:32] Oxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: she doesn't want help, she wants to be a troll
[11:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Don't make it worse, [Oxxxx], please.
[11:33] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: please .. i see she only asked
[11:33] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what are you guys doing
[11:33] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: girls .. or whatever
[11:33] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: laughs
[11:33] Ixxxx Zxxx: and now she IS banned

And it was entirely her fault she GOT banned.

[11:33] Ixxxx Zxxx: lets change the toppic

And that really should've been it.

[11:34] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so has anyone having a good day?
[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: gads...still only one heart!! [Ixxxx] you are a good GOOD hider!!!
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: woow .. i just saw a questions and you ban for that ?

Oh, good gods, don't YOU start!

[11:34] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: She did not just ask, you didnt readed my Im.-)
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not a shopt to be int lololol

Whatever shred of sympathy I had for you, chicklet, is now gone.

[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: an alt ..how boring.
[11:34] Ixxxx Zxxx: how is the hunt going sinners?
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she did ask and i am sure in the im she asked more
[11:34] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: do you treat customers that way ?

I don't...just make it stop.

[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: I've found one [Ixxxx]!!!
[11:34] Qxxx Bxxxxx: ...hunt?
[11:34] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well i for ONE love [the store]
[11:34] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: only one! lol
[11:34] Ixxxx Zxxx: yay!
[11:34] _Pxxx Lxxxxxxx: Hi all has the hunt started yet?
[11:35] Ixxxx Zxxx: i know its a hard hunt
[11:35] Nxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: Yay a new hunt!!!
[11:35] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: you hide too well!!!

She does. She's been in Twisted too long.

[11:35] Ixxxx Zxxx: but... worth it
[11:35] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and i love looking at all the beautiful skins...great job!
[11:35] Ixxxx Zxxx: hehehe
[11:35] Axxxxxxxxxx Txxxx: well i love the one I found lol...but [Izara] you are makin my eyes bleeeed from lookin! lmao
[11:35] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: woow .. i am going to log too cause this does upset me ... this is not a shop it is a culture .. it is like you do as we want you to and you are fine kinda thing , right ?
[11:35] exxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh gosh logg off ff time

Please kill this alt's access too.

After that, things settled down, but sheesh, people. Catch a clue. You have a problem, talk to the designer, the land owner, whatever. If you can't reach them, and you're still in their group, talk to a mod. If that fails, ask--RESPECTFULLY--in group chat. How is this hard?

oh, I'm scared if I look in your eyes, I might see your soul (part I)

While we're still talking about old loves, and survival...a series of letters I never intended to publish. Which likely will make no sense to anyone but me, but, based on this Twitter thread...it's on my mind.

So this will be a series I'll set to publish randomly over the course of February and March [Insert from the Editrix: They're going to run into June, one every week or two. Oops], depending on how many of these I find.

22 January 2012

Master,

I don't know when I'll send any of this. I may not. I only know that now is the night I start trying to figure it all out.

I'm beginning to think that things started to go wrong the first time I said no. I don't think we ever recovered; in time, we might, but you were angry, and I was hurt, and it all took far too much time to resolve. Even with that, I believe things still might have recovered, *may* recover, but...for the past four months, I've felt as if I'm standing by myself, not next to you. That, if you're near at all, you're only watching now, not interacting.

And I've done my best to think this through. Yes, I miss talking to you, but that's just talking. Yes, I miss the sex, but that's really, at the end of the day, just sex. I miss...what I miss is feeling that I'm *yours*. Treasured...loved...bidden to your will...when at this point, all I really feel is the burden of it, like you're waiting, with grieving patience, for me to get fed up and leave.

Like everyone else has.

Here's something I know about me. I can endure just about anything. Especially wavering right now between soul-deep depression and abiding anger, I know I can endure just about anything. Especially if my stubbornness kicks in, which I'm still trying to figure out if it has or not. But I also know this: I'd rather give in than give up, and especially in matters of the heart, my version of 'giving in' generally means I can't take any more damage and survive. And I do know I push it, sometimes to places which break me, because...because something in my make-up is tragically flawed. I can submit, though I'm stubborn about it; I cannot give up until I'm driven to that place, broken and bleeding, and it's give up or die. And even then, I fold rather than admit I've fallen.

I haven't given in yet. But I'm starting to hurt more than I want to, and I'm deeply unhappy. I feel forsaken, I feel as if I'm grieving having never had the loss to show for it, and I feel very, *very* deeply angry. And so far, I'm too depressed and too angry even to *cry* over all this, which by the way, my therapist wants me to do before she sees me next week. I wonder what she'll say when I tell her I wasn't able to do it.

Whatever I write here, however long it takes me to get it to you--assuming I do, assuming I'm willing to open myself up to more potential pain--this is where it ends. Once I hit wherever the 'end' is, to these notes (assuming I send it then), I send it, but then I'm done talking. And if you never bring it up, *any* of it up, that's it. Sooner or later even I'll hit that point, and I'll give up on you too.

I love you, you bastard. Don't push me to that point.

More to come.

I don't know you in those clothes, I don't know you with that hair

Actually leaving this one mostly intact:

[21:04] Mr. Randolph (larryrandolph): Looking for asian/latina/ebony girls doing lingerie modeling pictures for Elle et Lui Modeling Magazine 2021 spring lingerie special edition. Pls contact me if you are interested, thanks!

This is in the Saturday Sale Shoppers group. A SALES EVENT. Dude, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR ETHNIC FETISH This is not the first time he's posted something like this in this or other groups, either.

[21:05] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): why here?
[21:09] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): whyyyyyy heeeeeere

Seriously. WHY in a sales event group?

[21:06] dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what size?

Do NOT encourage this nimrod.

[21:07] gxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh, he made a new account after getting blocked in every group, persistent lol

Yeah, but he's still friggin' Larry! Nearly every alt this moron's ever made has been "larry[othername]".

[21:08] Bxxxxxx Lxxxx: Taking care of it
[21:08] axxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Uh oh, why did he get blocked lol
[21:09] Bxxxxxx Lxxxx: Well, from what we were told previously and in personal experience, it is not modeling if you get my drift.
[21:09] dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: o.0
[21:09] Bxxxxxx Lxxxx: not my own personal experience - someone else's
[21:09] dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh damn nvm i asked then
[21:09] axxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Lol, it never is
[21:09] mxxx Rxxxxxxx: LOL
[21:10] hxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: omg..

Yeah. Not even convinced there's an actual magazine, even one just in SL.

[21:10] Mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Do you have to interview on a couch first? XD

I suspect that's the entire point, start to finish.

[21:10] Dxx Gxxxxxxx: LOL
[21:11] Rxxx Mxxxxxx: XD
[21:11] oxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so...if its not modelling...what is it? *blinks innocently*
[21:11] axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Cake decorating

Oh yeah, baby, bring me one of your Russian flower tips, do me like a frosting rose...

[21:11] Mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I love cake decorating!
[21:12] Bxxxxx Cxxxxxx: benchwarming
[21:12] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Oh o LOVE cake!
[21:12] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I have no idea, but this idiot has hit every single sales group I'm in

SEVERAL. TIMES.

[21:12] Mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: under water basket weaving
[21:12] Bxxxxxx Lxxxx: baking?
[21:12] rxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[21:12] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: An exercise in tedium.

That too.

[21:12] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Not the adult groups, where it would be appropriate, NO, just the freebie and the sales ones
[21:12] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Yeah
[21:12] bxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: v camming
[21:12] dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lmaooo
[21:12] Bxxxxxx Lxxxx: lol glad we al lhave a sense of humor here

It helps.

[21:12] oxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well THATS a rip off
[21:12] Pxxxxxx Gxxxxxx: I love cake eating
[21:13] Txxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Dang Telemarketers!
[21:13] oxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :D
[21:13] Mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i wish someone would eat my cake
[21:13] Bxxxxx Cxxxxxx: what is this sense of humor you speak of?
[21:13] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: where is THE CAKE!
[21:13] xxxxx Rxxxxxxx: looking for the naive ones :P
[21:13] Bxxxxx Cxxxxxx: the cake is a lie!!!!!

And that iteration of Larry got blocked soon after, but he'll probably be back. Man's an idiot, but he's a driven one.

I'm gonna chase it, I know, I know, I know

PRESS RELEASE 10 February 2021:

The Gearhaven Endowment for the Arts, Sciences, Magick and Metaverse Culture is pleased to Announce the first recipients of the Gearhaven Prize for Steampunk Preservation in Second Life.

Our two recipients for the first quarter of 2021 are:

Recipient: Michael Macbeth (michaelneff.macbeth)
Project: The Tesla Theatre in Caledon Victoria City

Mr. Macbeth's attempts to foster community and participation by encouraging avatars to share the same experience, together, is laudable on its own. But he's also trying to create a community of theatre owners, to schedule events together, pass show lists back and forth, and encourage each others' group members to attend community showings. Especially now, this is vital, and worthy of preservation.

Recipient: Fuzzball Ortega
Project: Steelhead Bay

I'm not sure I need to go into why Fuzzball's efforts to preserve Steelhead, that quirky mix of Western American steampunk, mad science, clockwork creations and magic, are worth supporting, but for anyone who doesn't know, Steelhead started out very long ago on the grid, owned by another avatar entirely, and over the years, it not only changed hands, but grew in size. There was an unfortunate accident of timing that prevented the sims from being paid up on tier, and one by one, they all went away.

This, not to put too fine a point on it, crushed some people.

But Fuzzball had a dream. And he made that dream a reality. And had we been around, we would have supported him that very first year, for the sheer enormity of the effort to bring it back. But we're here now, so we're doing it now.

Each recipient receives L$25,000 to use towards preservation and improvement of their projects.

A formal gala will be announced soon for the official presentations of the awards.

We applaud and congratulate our two winners and wish them all success for the future of their projects.

For information on future awards contact Justine.Johndory Amethyst by IM or Notecard or visit the Duchy of Gearhaven in Second Life.

earned a black belt in disaster, wound up acting like a jerk

One late afternoon, in horsey chat...

[17:18] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: okay guys, I am hitting a wall what does this coat need?


[17:18] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: plate of food on its back?

That's how this started, inoccuously enough. "I am making this thing, what should I add?" We get these questions from time to time in the Teegle group.

There were some genial replies back and forth, and then...

[17:20] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not sure, think it looks pretty good
[17:24] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Kind of silly for me to try riding a horse

Meet Ms. V, today's antagonist.

[17:25] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Why?
[17:26] kxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: some belly coloring maybe?
[17:26] Vxxxx Mxxxx: being a four on the floor kitty. I can run almost as fast as they can

I mean, that at least makes sense, but the rest of her opinions are pretty much overly hostile, hot garbage...so...

[17:26] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: why is it silly to ride a horse?
[17:27] kxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: i have seen a mouse riding one lul
[17:27] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Not for bipeds. JUst for me
[17:28] kxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: i'd change the hooves color on the horse doe
[17:34] Vxxxx Mxxxx: [Cxxxxx] shows up and everyone drooling at the unicorn leaves. Guess I shouldn't be surprised

Oh, so it's one SPECIFIC unicorn you hate, I get it.

[17:35] Vxxxx Mxxxx: [F*cking] horse/goat

I believe I should mention, Teegle is a PG group. This has certain restrictions. Language is one of them.

[17:35] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Pardon?
[17:36] Vxxxx Mxxxx: You heard me. Overrated horn and tail. Otherwise it's just a frigging horse.

So, Ms. V...why could you use "frigging" there, and not above? Just...lazy?

[17:38] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: ok that isn't nessisary.. we are a community and should respect and respect other people in the community even if we don't care for a certain horse or unicorn
[17:38] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: support and respect8
[17:39] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Sorry, I thought this was a PG group. Wasn't objecting to the opinion, just the word.
[17:40] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Vxxxx], we hear your frustration but comments as such should be kept between individuals...not in this groups chat
[17:40] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Hey I resepct the community. Just like get over the damn virgin thing with unicorns.

We get it. You hate unicorns. One of them was mean to your sister once and stole her pencil during a test. Whatever. Move on.

[17:40] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: We try to take a positive, supportive and helpful fun chat here
[17:40] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: opinions are cool but lets keep it nice and keep the cursing to 0
[17:40] Vxxxx Mxxxx: They aint that special

Still missing the point, she is...

[17:40] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): What [Kxxxxx] said.
[17:40] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: We accept all and respect all.
[17:40] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: agrees with [Nxxx]
[17:41] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: This group is all inclusive, we all have our likes and dislikes...but we all need to be respectful of all.

Even more than most, this group is pretty much aligned around one concept: horse. And seriously, that's it--this company sells gear, horse avatars, and animesh horses, so you can be one or ride one, and...the insane variety of mods for them, plus horse breeds, they and other companies make, really could attract absolutely anyone to the group. You can go completely plain Arabian tan with buff leather tack and never vary, or you could, like me, own the Styx skeletal horse and make it spit green fire from its eyes with bloodied, tattered tack. WIDE VARIETY of interests, is what I'm saying here.

[17:42] Vxxxx Mxxxx: that's cool, just don't expect extra headpats because you're all pure and untainted and all.

What is your issue, Ms. V?

[17:42] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: none expected
[17:43] Vxxxx Mxxxx: [Nxxx] gets it
[17:43] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I kind of live by...You be You...and I'll be Me
[17:43] Vxxxx Mxxxx: That I agree with

Apparently not, you REALLY have a beef against unicorns...

[17:43] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but all need to be respectful to all
[17:44] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and actually, even if we dont get in to it...to still be supportive of it as long as it's legal and not hurting anyone
[17:44] Vxxxx Mxxxx: And when I stop hearing holier than though BS around horned horses, I'll be all in with that
[17:45] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Well, dont be so selective in what your reading

Good advice. Ignored by Ms. V., but good advice.

[17:45] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: I love my unicorns lol
[17:45] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Not sure I've read anything like that in here today
[17:45] Mxxxx Sxxxxx: darn banned list is growing LMAO
[17:45] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Celebrate ppl's differences in taste and style
[17:46] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: makes the world beautiful and interesting
[17:46] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and this is said by a old grumpy set in his ways stubborn man:)
[17:46] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the things I come back too
[17:46] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Unicorns are wonderful. There are great stories about them. Stories that don't invlove some guilt driven mythos about who they have sex with.

Oh, pardon, what is your major psychological complex about unicorns?

[17:47] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: that it does.. I prefer good karma over bad karma any day
[17:47] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Vxxxx], Pg please
[17:47] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Vxxxx] are you sure you are commenting in the right group?
[17:47] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: ok this is me putting my foot down, topic ended~ talk about something else please
[17:47] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: You convo doesnt seem to have anything to do with what this group is about?

And Ms. K up there is a mod for the group, so pretty much her word goes. Should've been the end of it, right?

[17:47] Mxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Indeed. That is enough.
[17:48] Mxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: If you have issues take it to IM Please :)
[17:48] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: \o/
[17:48] Vxxxx Mxxxx: I am pretty sure I am given I'm getting some pretty reasonable if opposing responses
[17:48] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx has to agree with the ladies...your comments are not appropriate for this group.
[17:49] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: mini ponies mini ponies are in my mind super adorable
[17:49] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: so who is excited about the winter classic coming up
[17:49] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I can not wait to see all the paints and appies
[17:49] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and have my pegasus ready to show

People desperately trying to change the topic...

[17:49] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm excited about the upcomming some time soon ride at your sim [Kxxxxx]
[17:49] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: im excited to watch them [Kxxxxx] I can't wait
[17:50] Vxxxx Mxxxx: So Unicorns mating with whom they wish is an unpopular and unacceptable opinion

DID YOU NOT CATCH IT'S A PG GROUP YOU LOON--

[17:50] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: hopefully soon! but yeee i got all my classic entries all put together and ready to go
[17:50] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): HOO boy.
[17:50] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Interesting
[17:50] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: which ones you sign up for [Kxxxx]?
[17:50] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: [vxxxx]. time to stop :) not the chat for that
[17:50] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Fine. On you not me

No, it's pretty much on your pointy little head.

[17:51] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Gonna have to mute ya [Vxxxx] if you continue
[17:51] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: im in all the mythics and then the creative for it, just in hand though
[17:51] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Vxxxx], PG means NO mating talk. I can't wait to see what horses you show [Kxxxxx] you always have some really pretty ones
[17:51] Vxxxx Mxxxx: Anyone who wishes to mute me, please do

It's tempting after this. I generally have rules for muting: Attempts at financial fraud, stalking, serious abuse, griefers...this doesn't quality, but boy, she's pushing the envelope.

[17:52] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: aw thanks~ im excited to see what everyone brings to the table really
[17:52] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: *looks at calender*.. I can't wait to see them.. I decided to watch the classics so I can see what it its about.. im more of avisual then someone just telling me
[17:52] Kxxxxx Nxxxxx: did you guys get my nc about reducing your lag for shows? watching or showing
[17:52] sxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: After the Classics I will be hosting more Western classes, also I did not!
[17:52] lxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxx: I did yes and took preperations
[17:52] wxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I did! Super helpful

Thankfully, things seemed to calm down at that point, thank all the gods, so...I pulled her profile. This is the first part of her SL bio:

"She'd just as likely pop a cap in your gourd as listen to your [bullsh*t]. She's still female though so show you have some balls."

Okay. Guess she's an aggressive little poppet to her core.

And then, in ISC chat:

[17:33] Vxxxx Mxxxx: [Cxxxxx] shows up and everyone droooling at the unicorn leaves.

WHAT. Oh, she did NOT...

[17:35] Axxxxxx Gxxxxxx just got "kevin'd" lol!
[17:56] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Ms. [Vxxxx], do NOT start this here, I swear.
[17:56] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Let. It. Go.

Thankfully, she did, or I would have thrown yet another historic fit in ISC chat, because SERIOUSLY...You don't like a specific horse type. Great. DON'T BE OR BUY THAT HORSE. Problem solved. Move ON!

let's raise a glass or two to all the things I've lost on you

There are times in any life when nostalgia becomes its own toxin in the system. My life, I think I've grown used to the presence of memory's poison, but some nights I'm still brought up short by unananswered questions, digging down to the tender, flinching points.



And this one, in particular...why am I still haunted by old love? Or to be specific, old loves, I should say.

The demon and the vampire still haunt me. The first one, I should say--the second, the Sídhe-sided, half-Drow Queen's Raven, he just bemuses. I wish him well wherever life has taken him. But those first two...they linger. They prick and sting, even in recall. Even with distance.



And I think...I think it wasn't just that I was new on the grid. That's its own opiate to the mind, that rush of new experience, new desires, new realities...that happens to everyone. I am not unique there, far from. I think it comes down to intensity.



All endings hurt. I don't deny that. But the first two relationships I ever had on the grid--one ended in death, the other ended in betrayal, and then death, and...what does the mind do with that? My mind, as with so many things, went completely off the rails when the vampire died, because I had no good place to put that in context, to begin to move away from it, make my way forward.

And when the demon died...it was just one more acid drop of spite on the wound, already raw and deep.



And of every relationship I've had since...there have been soaring heights, there have been crushing depths. There are those I will never forget, amd those I cannot even remember the shape of their name. They all have places in memory's river. I have adapted, have adjusted, to eacb loss, and for the most part, everyone's moved on.

But those two.



And it's not that they didn't bring their own lessons. One taught me that virtual death can be as real, as painful, as actual. The other taught me that my polyamorous, compersive soul can feel jealousy, and the bite of that is even more acid than the pain of loss. Jealousy is swallowing fire, expecting it to be sweet. Jealousy is crippling fear, crushing anxiety, blatant mistrust. Jealousy is defiantly trying to wrest control from an uncaring universe, instead of floating, blissful and relaxed, from shore to shore.

But I did learn. I learned, I grew, I shifted, I altered, I transformed, and every time I returned to true, I learned new lessons. And I like where I am now. My heart is full, and healing, even if my schedule's a bit difficult to manage. I am aware I hold other hearts in my hands, just as they hold mine, and it is up to me to neither clench too tightly, or let them slip through my fingers, uncaring. It is always a great gift, that trust, and I try never to prove it false.



But they're still...there. Lurking in memory. Refusing to completely go away. Was it just the pain? The loss, so intense the first year on the grid? It's certainly not that I want either back. Of everyone I've ever lost, there's perhaps two I'd return to, and...circumstance and time alone will prevent that. One by his own choice, one by mine, and perhaps that's for the best.



So perhaps it's finally time to accept they have nothing left to teach me. They certainly have nothing to say to me. Lost for so many years I'm not even looking, if I ever was. No trembling, anxious thought that I might be missing...something...no, I know that much. I'm clear on that.



So...I will let go. I will detach the last remaining nostalgic threads, tattered and frayed, and release them into the dark. I am better now, different now, stronger now, and they are no part of me going forward. They have been, far too long, a part of me at all steps previous. Enough.

(Stills from, of course, Christine Aguilera's "Fighter".)

tables turned, I'm the one who's burning now

There are times the path is very clear. The steps to take are bright, and visible, and easy to navigate. Other times the path is shadowed, hard to make out, half-buried, missing. I must stand in the trees and by the roadsides, listening for clues, searching out the smallest pebbles of the potential path forward.

And then there are the times something blows up the path in front, and my choice is to walk through the shrapnel, and risk getting cut, or wait until it settles, and maybe lose the chance to get close enough to know why it happened.



I'm usually the charge-in-and-patch-later type with most issues, because I'm used to being cut, but some...some still freeze me in place, barely daring to breathe, wondering which direction holds pain, and which holds more pain. Instinctive reaction, still, to fold up the walls and fix them tight again, but...at this point, the box only has five sides. For some, the front panel never employs, and I am left exposed, vulnerable, visible, easily hurt. This is by design. Doesn't mean it hurts any less.



Still trying to figure out the best option, the best way to follow the barest hints of clues, over the field I know is mined. And I know it's mined because I put some of the mines in place. I know it's mine because I recognize the terrain.

And there are signposts along the way, there always are. Some are long since worn away. Some are snapped in half from the last frustrated traveler along the paths. Some are written in languages I can't read. Some are just blank shapes, emotion pouring from them, the drive to do, to be, to change, to have things unsaid entirely. Regret tastes like copper dusted with citric acid.



And it is not lost on me that tonight's wandering, trying to sort for clarity, was done in a skin with markings not my own, painting a map to experiences I'm still struggling to process. And all of this is happening two days before I get to invoke the goddess in a ritual for which I should be calm, and open, and receptive to all light and pleasure....So I have less than two days to restore balance.

Sure. No problem. That's possible.



In the end, on the path or off, what price faith? What price trust? How much is too much, and when do I finally learn these lessons? And how best do I guard my tongue from here, so I am not the one playing revelation roulette at the end of the day?



As many questions as there are missing paving stones I'm needing to reconstruct. And what path there is seems to be leading back to the forest, and the shadows, dotted with ruby-jeweled eyes gleaming in the dark. And the trees are moving.



Is it better to take the step forward, take the risk, take the pain that is inevitable on the shadowed path, or...stand in the sinking sunset glow, and wait, and slowly reconstruct the path by moonlight? Because I could breathe easier outside the forest, away from the doubts in the dark.

But the point this time may not be respiration, it may not even be reconstruction. It may be adaptation and reconfiguration. Rebuilding from the ground up? No, not even close. But enough for scaffolding to support the walls that need to be removed, to make room for new structures. Here we go again.

(Sims visited included the Leafminer Parkway, New London (Adult sim), Chapelle St. Marc, Beinn Dubh, Blyth, London 1940, Scapa Flow, Moonbase Alpha, Tailspinners' Rest, and Spirit of Fire. Not all shots taken were used, though. Written to No Time to Die from Billie Eilish, Safe and Sound from the Civil Wars and Taylor Swift, Feel It Twice from Camila Cabello, Poison from Nicole Scherzinger, Only Time Makes It Human from King Princess, In the End from Snow Patrol, My Dark Disquiet from Poets of the Fall, and Lost on You from LP.)

something clearly terrified you; did you choose to disappear?

I have this conversation once a week, easily. All that changes is the name.

[10:19] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Welcome to Sakura, [Hxxxxx]! Do let me know if I can help, and otherwise, enjoy wandering the grounds of Bellefleurs!
[10:19] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: yes i need help
[10:20] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Of course! What can I do?
[10:21] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: im trying to find where i can purchase the engarde system,,,
[10:21] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Ah, right. So....there's a major hitch with that, unfortunately.
[10:21] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: cant find it on the mp
[10:21] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): You won't.
[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So, the creator of the system left SL in...some upset. I have never been able to find out why. But he killed server access to everything he'd made the same day he left.
[10:22] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: damn

Yeah, everyone's still pretty irked about it.

[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Now, people who had their En Garde systems still out--us, a pirate sim, there's a few others--found the systems still work.
[10:22] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: so only have to find someone willig to sell me theirs i guess
[10:22] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): They no longer record for tournaments....No.
[10:23] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Because...and this is the TRULY annoying part....any new system breaks when rezzed.
[10:23] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: double damn

Now, this is what I've been told, but it suddenly occurs to me, I've never actually verified if this is true or not? I may have to ask Indy when she gets back just to pop one out, and see if it breaks, because...if it doesn't, that is a total game-changer, and if it does, then we have verification.

[10:23] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): So unless you want to buy the sim or parcel it's on? Because you can't even pick it up to move them. If Indy wanted to move ours, for instance, she could only pull it into edit and shift it. Taking it back into inventory would break it.
[10:24] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: bummer...thanks for your time
[10:24] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Sure!

There is still interest in the game. People have found workarounds so they can play tournaments. There's still an official En Garde league. There's just...no new boards anymore. Only the ones that existed when the creator left, far as I know.

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies

This is from a group whose purpose, I will freely admit, generally centers around the sharing of mutual pleasure, but sometimes, things go a little...askew:

[05:21] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Are there people actually around the sim?
[05:22] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: never usually sadly
[05:22] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh :(
[05:22] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: How disappointing

I think at one point, this group was far more cohesive. But years go by, changes happen in lives and in structures, and we all seem to be more scattered across the grid at this point.

[05:23] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh people will come for discussion if you ask them.
[05:23] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Sunday evening is a good time
[05:23] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: say 4 PM Linden time

Also other times. This is a group that actually frequently has reading events, in text or voice, so things do happen now and again.

[05:24] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: omg , so bad time for an european person. But I will be there till noon SL time, if someone likes to chat
[05:24] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Well, so you should use some other time since you use European time.
[05:25] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Right, I just don't meet anyone there at my active hours. I take it, that not so many europeans know the sim
[05:25] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: how do you know if you don't try?
[05:25] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I will try :)

I hear this a lot from people, actually, all over the grid. No events in X time slot. Okay, so...if we don't see them, is it that hard to make them? Set a time, set a place, set a theme? Not everything has to be go to club/listen to DJ/dance mindlessly, after all.

[05:26] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: send some messages in the early evening, your time, and see who will respond
[05:26] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I will try that, thanks for the advice!
[05:27] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: My other advice is to forbid discussion of Donald Trump, because that is guaranteed to ruin the evening.

In a heartbeat, and that's one of the things that is disallowed in the group, discussion of politics.

[05:27] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm sad to say.
[05:28] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh, for a Finnish girl like me, the US politics is totally indifferent thing
[05:28] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I don't participate to the US politics. And I did read the group notice that was out there

This was the notice that said

"[The group] Is NOT the place for ANY political debates, baiting or discussion. There are many political groups for that purpose.

"What [the group] is for is discussion of books, booze, coffee, sex, role playing, photography (especially those pics taken IN [the group]!), poems, reading erotic stories to others in voice...and many more that I can't think of now, Lots of topics to discuss!

"Thanks in advance!"

It's not a huge ban of topics, is the point; virtually anything else is perfectly fine.

[05:28] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I never sure if my lifestyle welcomed there either sometimes

I admit, this made me curious. I pulled her profile. Not much on it that specifically points to something beyond the norm--she's bisexual, she's married to two women, she likes being nude. From her groups, there's maybe a draw to "t-girls"--a term of which I'm not fond, but it is a specific fetish category. And even that is not really out of line.

[05:29] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: So far I know [bxxxx], your lifestyle doesnt matter

I mean, unless her life's joy is kicking puppies, or something, she's probably fine.

[05:29] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: awww thats great hearing ty
[05:29] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Only not to talk about politics and behave politely, that are the rules
[05:30] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I usually naked there so maybe that upsets

I doubt that. While most members start off fully clothed, it's not at all uncommon of an evening to discover various states of undress, all the way down to bare skin.

[05:30] rxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm in the middle of the US, and I love the idea of not discussing politics; there's so much more we can all share
[05:30] Axxx Sxxxxx: You can always chat to me, but i guarantee you wont like it!

Yes, Mr. A, thanks bunches, you've made that plain. Not many of us are willing to talk to you anymore.

[05:30] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I don't think nudity's ever been an issue in [the group], but I could be wrong.
[05:30] rxxxx Rxxxxxxx: including nakedness :-)
[05:31] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: mmmm good
[05:31] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: being naked is totally fine here at [the group], [bxxxx]
[05:31] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: awww huggss ty [Axx]
[05:31] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: But does the rule not to talk about politics also include the discussion of political history?

You fill me with dread. Say on.

[05:32] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm huge fan of history, and often it's hard to debate about it, without the politics incuded
[05:32] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: in my experience, Trump is the flash point
[05:32] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Okies, so no Trump. What about Hitler?

Why, though?

[05:32] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: anything else can be discussed.
[05:33] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well we beat him [Axx] hehe
[05:33] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: So Hitler is fine, since he's been dead for over 75 years
[05:33] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I mean, if you absolutely have to, I...guess?

I just...as I said, I don't get why.

[05:33] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: brought we europeans closer after his defeat
[05:34] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I never tried it...
[05:34] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: discussing about WW2 is veery difficult without inculding Stalin or Hitler to that.

Maybe it's just a difference in intent? As in, one can discuss WWII, and mention Stalin, Hitler, or the SS--in passing--as a reference, but...wanting to discuss only Hitler? What historical value does that have for this group? Outside of scholarly writings on that topic, specifically, brought up in reference for 'what I'm reading now' discussions?

Same thing with Trump, in my opinion. If one is discussing current events, it is difficult not to mention him, I agree. But if one is only willing to discuss Trump, and nothing else, that's the same issue.

[05:35] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: What does it tell about people nowadays, when you have to totally avoid certain topics? Are we not sophsticated enough, have we lost the ability to argumentation?

So...barring a sensitive topic, but allowing all others, is us lacking sophistication? Interesting outlook. I suppose it could be seen that way--people are so reactionary on the topic, at least in the US, that they cannot see their way clear to reasoned discussion on either side of the argument. At this point, a civil war has been suggested--and may be still brewing--and there is blood on the ground, so...Maybe we are lacking sophistication, in this.

But I also see a very large separation between informed debate, and arguing. I'm usually fine with informed debate. Arguing just gets...dull, when I could be doing more interesting things, like flossing my cat.

[05:35] bxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: woke is spoiling proper debate

"Proper debate" doesn't include knock-down, drag-out fights...which I've seen happen whenever certain politicians are mentioned. In world and out. Hence, the reason this ban arose.

[05:37] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: In my opinion SL has never been a place for free debatting. The sim owners can always decide what is allowed and what is not

That's also true.

[05:37] rxxxx Rxxxxxxx: If I may offer a perspective: perhaps the underlying idea is to have the group discuss and debate rather than argue?
[05:37] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I would agree.
[05:37] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): That, and...arguing with people has never been a kink of which I'm particularly fond.

Same thing with people wanting to punch me in the face. Not my thing, move along, get your catfight-fueled joy elsewhere.

[05:38] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I just offered my personal experience.
[05:38] txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I do get that [rxxxx]. And around Tump-issue the risk for arguing is very real.
[05:38] Bxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: unavoidable, actually......
[05:38] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: My groups were not able to discuss Trump in a meaningful way, and they sought to drag him into the conversation at any opportunity

Because it's polarizing.

[05:39] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but do whatever you wish
[05:41] Bxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: if people want to skirmish about the Great Orange One in IMs that is their own business - it is not an appropriate topic of conversation for a group chat as many will take offense

THIS.

[05:42] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Which is not conducive to the sharing of sensual pleasure.
[05:44] Bxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: quite the opposite....
[05:44] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) nods.

And I thought that would be that, but...*I* had to push the point.

[05:53] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Is it just resentment that any topics are banned, due to the causing of controversy, or...*that* topic, specifically? I do find myself a tad curious.
[05:57] lxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Mhm, me too. Does that mean Brexit talk is banned?
[06:00] Bxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that might be best....... we really dont want to be wasting our time debating the merits of TWO fat, orange, bellicous numpties, do we?
[06:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) giggles

What a way to describe Trump and Johnson.

[06:01] rxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have plenty of groups in which conflict and argument are common; this one has been a great place for respectful discussion and interaction
[06:01] lxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: So what is allowed - the weather?
[06:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Really? You think conversation is that tightly restricted here, [Lxxxx]?

Because it certainly sounds like she thinks, because one single topic is off the table, that NOTHING EVER can be ON the table now, and...that's just silly.

[06:02] Bxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Be it resolved, the only permissible topics of conversation in group chat are sex, puppies and pie......
[06:02] Bxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: especially pie.... :)

And maybe kittens.

[06:02] lxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I honestly do not know what is or isn't allowed. I shall have to read the rules.
[06:05] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): They are at the landing point, still.
[06:06] lxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Then I will get them. Thanks.

I was curious myself, as I didn't think they'd changed overly from when I grabbed them, joining the group, so when I had time, I dropped by.

There are a lot of provisions on the card, but these are the relevant ones, I think:

Adult themes - expect nudity
Human adult avatars only (over 18)
No - disrespect, spamming, griefing, advertising,
No - Full Bright/glowy/bling/facelights/particles
Please avoid the use of gestures as much as possible

Fairly basic, right? I mean, the 'human avatars only' makes me slightly irked, but everyone's allowed their prejudices, I suppose.

There's a bit about the dress code and roleplaying, neither of which apply to the conversation above, so I'm leaving them out. But from the last paragraph of the roleplaying section, and the two paragraphs after, there's this:

We realize that there may be a mix of individuals that will come to [the group], so please be respectful to the diversity that you might find here. If you've never role-played before, perhaps give it a shot. If you are here to chat/hangout and meet people, don't be surprised and shocked if someone hits on you for role-playing or sex.

Because sometimes, that's the point--finding someone with a working brain for a little fun, after all. I do wish some of the members would take a polite "Thanks, but no" reply some nights, but...that's far from uncommon anywhere.

INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION:
sSo often in second life conversation in local chat takes on juvenile tones. Here at [the group] we encourage everyone to gather around the fireplace and begin thoughtful conversations about life, love, and more.

Intelligent people are able to disagree without making it (or taking it) personal. Please be respectful and use common sense in your conversations.

That's the key phrase right there, I think, "be respectful and use common sense". People were not using common sense, or being respectful, both on the grounds and in group chat, when recent political events came up. So the sim owner banned the topic.

According to these official rules, then, "be respectful and use common sense" is the only official guideline, but paired with the new notice of no political debates or discussion, that pretty much means everything ELSE is allowable, so frankly...some of the group members, I think, are being overly precious with their exception-seeking behaviors.

But it will all work out. They'll either figure out the rules, or leave the group. It's the way of all things.

smoke 'em if you got 'em, 'cause it's going down

Another day, another attempt to get to the tower at White Veil. All right, you rock bastards, let's go.



So, same thing, start at the beginning, agree to the experience if you've never been there before, and start out. "Simple"...



Found out what the squares do. So this is pre-their effect (on my second attempt running up the side of the course), but they attach with a variety of squeaking sounds, before bouncing you up in the air. I don't know if it's an always thing, but at least they didn't dump me back into center track. Always off the track entirely, crashing into trees or penguins.



Oh, what's this? A little bridge out to...a TV? Why?



A TV that's just showing a still image, even. Hmm. But that did remind me, I meant to watch the video the artists released of the exhibit. And there are a few clues in there for how best to access the track.



Finally made it to the tower! I felt accomplished! And I was almost immediately sent back to the beginning because...the winding ramp up has little discs SHOOTING PUSHING ORBS AT CLIMBERS??? Bryn, WHYYYYY?



Made it to the winding ramp again on the third try, and dodged the little shooting discs, and...RIGHT INTO A MAGNET I COULDN'T ESCAPE FROM ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Which held me until the big rock was released down the ramp, and rolled right over my face. And I got sent BACK to the start for the third time.

I have a certain point I always reach with restart games, that started when the organizers behind the Twisted hunts decided it was more fun laughing at tortured souls than actually giving them a reasonable challenge. Three's about it, and I'm at my frustration limit. Which may be the point, I don't know, but I do know it's going to be at least another week before I try again.

I still don't know what's at the top of the tower.