Before this conversation took place, I'd gone by my cabin on the sim, and removed everything that was mine. I had started to regret that move when the discussion opened. I don't regret it now.
Again, heavily, heavily anonymized, but I did want to try to get across why this had upset me so.
[21:10] Emilly Orr: [xxxxx]...the notice you sent out yesterday....I have some concerns.So, first excuse: "I didn't mean you". Also, I think it never occurred to him that he was potentially lumping me in with the one or ones with which he was angry, at least subconsciously implying that my status means nothing to him as well.
[21:18] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: Yes?
[21:19] Emilly Orr: While I know, positively, I am not one of the women who are jealous, you do know I came into the sim as a thrall, right?
[21:20] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: Yes, and you're right... it wasn't directed at you
[21:20] Emilly Orr: But it was sent out to the whole of the group.This was my biggest question for all of yesterday. Why didn't he just address [xxxx] directly? Why did he send out poisoned arrows to everyone on the sim? Why did he make something this dark and ugly so very public?
[21:20] Emilly Orr: I own myself. I have opinions. My will is my own. I am not chattel, not a dog, not a cow, and most CERTAINLY not a piece of meat.
[21:20] Emilly Orr: That was a Gorean manifesto start to finish. So I want to know why.
[21:22] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: It because of a continung problem with [xxxx].
[21:23] Emilly Orr: So why not just address [xxxx]?
[21:23] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: it was done in anger, EmI really don't think he's getting that.
[21:23] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I lost my temper.
[21:23] Emilly Orr: I figured that.
[21:23] Emilly Orr: But you demeaned every single woman on the sim.
[21:26] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I'll apologize to you and any other who brings it up. I didn't even remember that you were a thrall.Confirmed--he didn't remember I was the class he was putting under his boot. 'No, I'm not a racist, I have black friends.' 'Hey, I'm a feminist, I only beat my wife when she deserves it.' 'The only good Injun is a dead Injun. Cept for the bartender, right?' (That one I heard in person, a lot, when I was growing up in a small logging town.) 'All women are sluts. Oh, but not you, baby, YOU'RE not.'
He truly doesn't understand that he was exposing EXACTLY what he thinks about slaves, whether they're submissives in modern realms, kajirae in Gor, or thralls on his own sim.
[21:27] Emilly Orr: There's a basic disconnect here, is the thing I'm trying to bring up.I tried. I really tried.
[21:27] Emilly Orr: Apologies are fine, but often times, in anger, while we may say things we wouldn't normally, they are the things inside us.
[21:27] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: please bring it up
[21:28] Emilly Orr: Even in Gor, most kajirae aren't treated so poorly. Even red or white unrestricted, even paga sluts.To wit:
[21:28] Emilly Orr: I think *maybe* camp girls, coin girls, might *possibly* fit the level of utter disregard you sent out in that notice.
[21:29] Emilly Orr: So how are the women in your group, and most especially the thralls who are not [xxxx], supposed to trust you in any way now?
[21:29] Emilly Orr: When all you think of us is that we're mindless drones with holes, just meat to take?
[21:30] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: You know that isn't part of my character
[21:30] Emilly Orr: No, I don't know that now.
[21:30] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I don't behave that way
[21:30] Emilly Orr: You do. Read your notice.
"You own nothing; You have no opinion; Your will is not your own; You are chattel, no better than a cow or a dog or simply a piece of meat."
I don't know how else to interpret that.
[21:30] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I read it yes...I tried to find another way to get through to him, that this was larger than just a bit of sniping.
[21:30] Emilly Orr: But you don't get it.
[21:30] Emilly Orr: Okay, let's take this from another angle.Anger can be cleansing, but it can also be a weapon. I think it's clear which one it was here.
[21:31] Emilly Orr: The reason I was on board with your system of thralls, free and nobility is that thralls were not just meat for anyone.
[21:31] Emilly Orr: They had agency. They had wills. If they were skilled in a thing, they could be paid for their services. They could buy out of thralldom, and become free.
[21:32] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I certainly botched that one
[21:32] Emilly Orr: What part, of any of that--which is clear in the histories--says "you own nothing, have no opinion"? What part of that says "chattel" or "dog" or "meat"?Unfortunate that he only seems to see that now, post-notice.
[21:32] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: In our sim, none of it
[21:33] Emilly Orr: But you own the sim.
[21:33] Emilly Orr: Your word is law.
[21:33] Emilly Orr: And you think nothing of us.
[21:33] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I had a situation that I lashed out in anger
[21:33] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: That is the impression I've given. I see that
[21:34] Emilly Orr: Yes.
[21:34] Emilly Orr: How are you going to patch this up with the rest of the sim? You took a highly personal issue, and made it public, in the most insulting way possible? Following it up with a notice saying "oops" is not going to fix it. How are you going to patch this up for everyone else on your sim?Of note here: both times I brought up Gorean practices, he dodged, refused to even address it. That also makes a statement.
[21:35] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I'm not afraid to take ownership of my mistakes or blunders.
[21:36] Emilly Orr: This...[xxxxx], this is not a blunder.
[21:36] Emilly Orr: This is a complete violation. This is why people think you're Gorean.
[21:36] Emilly Orr: I thought people were just spreading rumors, but right here, this is why.
[21:37] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: That's the first time I've have ever made a public statement like that.He says that now. I...I don't think I can trust him now.
[21:37] Emilly Orr: The damage is already done at this point.
[21:37] Emilly Orr: I asked if you knew why you did it, you said you got angry. What happens the next time you get angry?
[21:40] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: that doesn't happen often.. I wont lash out like I did.
[21:40] Emilly Orr: I think we've reached the point of disconnection. You don't seem to understand, and I don't want to further attempt to persuade you.On something this close to me, this deeply scarring, I cannot fight past this point, Withdrawing is the only option left.
[21:40] Emilly Orr: I do wish you and [Xxxx], and [xxxxx], all the best. And I sincerely hope things work out with [xxxx]. And I wish you all success with your sim.
[21:41] Emilly Orr: But I've cleared out the cabin, and I'm going to leave the group.
[21:41] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: I'm sorry to hear that
[21:41] Emilly Orr: I am, too.
[21:41] Emilly Orr: I'm sorry to say it.
[21:42] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: and I believe I'll be sorthing things out with [xxxx].Again, of note: he's sorry now, post-notice.
[21:43] Emilly Orr: I realize you were angry. I do understand that. We all do things that are unwise when angry. But this went far deeper. Maybe it's me; I do have past emotional trauma. But if that part of you is only active 5% of the time, that still means it's there.
[21:44] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: After what your said it made me think and I realized that it was mean of me. It was just plain mean.
[21:44] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: so, for that I am deeply sorry.
[21:44] Emilly Orr nods.So...there it stands. I've left the group and changed my profile. It is a bleak day.
[21:45] Emilly Orr: Accepted.
[21:45] Emilly Orr: Safe travels, [xxxxx].
[21:45] [xxxxxxxxxxxx]: Farewell, Emilly. You've been a marvelous help to the sim and to me.
In talks with someone else, a few additional things came up.
[21:21] Emilly Orr: First excuse offered, while you were gone: "Oh, I didn't mean you."Then, a bit later on:
[21:24] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: i am sure he didn't, but not the point
[21:24] Emilly Orr: Second excuse: "I was angry."
[21:26] Emilly Orr: [21:26] [xxxxxxxxxxx]: I'll apologize to you and any other who brings it up. I didn't even remember that you were a thrall.
[21:27] Emilly Orr: He doesn't get it.
[21:27] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: *nods*
[21:32] Emilly Orr: I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere.I had already decided at this point, but also at this point, I was still trying to explain, as calmly as I could, why I was going to leave the sim.
[21:35] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: *considers* It seems he knows he did wrong, but not why
[21:35] Emilly Orr: I was thinking it was possibly rash to clear out my cottage before you got online, but now I'm pretty sure I did the right thing.
[21:38] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It is likely time to move on from it *nods*
[21:38] Emilly Orr nods.
[21:38] Emilly Orr: I hate doing this. Because he's really not going to get why I'm leaving. He's clinging to he just lashed out, he's a good guy.And again, maybe it IS me. I have a bad past. I carry a lot of damage. I'm working on it, but I can tell when something's close to setting off a depth charge of anxiety and nightmares. This was close.
[21:41] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: considers
[21:41] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: he might well be, but steeped in sl gor
[21:41] Emilly Orr nods
[21:43] Emilly Orr: One last attempt, though I have already told him I'm leaving.
[21:46] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx rubs your shoulders slowly
[21:47] Emilly Orr: So, he said the notice was mean, and that he's sorry.
[21:47] Emilly Orr: So...there it sits.
[21:49] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: it hinges on the sort of person you think he is, here
[21:49] Emilly Orr: I think he's mostly good, with a very dark side.
[21:49] Emilly Orr: I just never considered that dark side also had a cruel misogynistic angle.
[21:58] Emilly Orr: I may not defriend him over this. I just can't participate in the sim anymore.And one last thing:
[21:59] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: nods
[22:00] Mxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxxx: It is the right decision.
[22:13] Emilly Orr: Okay, so why did it hurt more to remove the sim from my picks than it did to tell him I was leaving?I still don't know, but it did. I guess because it felt more final.
But cue the sea chanties, and the ship sailing away. I'm gone.
6 Comments:
*Coughs, knowing this post is old, but politely points out the last bit of chat.*
Also, I'm sorry you had to go through that, Emi. Right, wrong, none of that matters. You feel what you feel, and you felt it was time to leave. A trust was broken, even if by accident. I hope your ship finds safe harbor elsewhere.
Aaaack, the longer chat threads are somewhat arduous to go through and X out, but still, I do endeavor not to do that.
And I do too. It's a beautiful sim, and I do wish it and the owner all the best. Is a sailing ship less stressful than a train? Maybe. We'll find out, either way.
It's not the means of travel, it's the big crash at the end. Aim away from Icebergs, avoid shallow coasts, and enjoy the view.
Well, at least I'm headed away from the frozen north, so we can strike icebergs off the list.
There are times si heads and admins can screw up, indeed, it is a natural part of the process of running any sort of sim. The key thing is, does the person truly show that he/she is willing to truly make amends to restore trust, and if they are still doing the "I do not understand what i did wrong" but, it's not going to work. I will anonymize myself, though I will tell Orr "it was me" when i get on, but I have seen sim heads do terrible things, but because they did make the sincere effort to get it, I am with them, and on the other hand, I still deal with some people who go "I still do nto understand why you are so mad", and as a result I have people iming me wondering why I do not go to somewhere that I was very much a part of, once/.
I get that. Ultimately, sim owners are just that--the authority over all that happens on their sim. I never want to challenge that for anyone. I don't pay the bills (save for rent, when I'm living on the sim), so it's not my place to rock the boat in major ways.
It is my place to absent myself when I think we've reached non-understanding. And it's not that I don't regret leaving; it's not that leaving didn't hurt. It was that he made clear by his total incomprehension that it would happen again. I could not stay on the sim and even by passive participation, read another notice with such vicious, dismissive wording.
Post a Comment