before the rush to my blood was too much and we flatlined (part XXVIII)

(Roleplay entry. Continued from part XXVII.)

Some hours later, the screen in the fringe lab lit up again.

STAN: ADDITIONAL ARCHIVE ENTRY

1 The next day, the Leopard Demon returned. Hiram and the masons were building the inner walls. The leopard said: these are lessons you should learn. Studies to survive until you are called back. Teach the adepts these lessons and guard them.
2 The 56 lessons on the Sphinx.

3 Lesson 1. Humans must never submit to animals.
4 Lesson 2. You must learn discipline. How can you control others when you cannot control yourself?
5 Lesson 3. Logical thought has its limitations: Deduction and Causality. (Reserve an attitude of questioning distrust for anything that comes in the guise of logic.)
6 Lesson 4. All proofs inevitably lead to propositions which have no proof. All things are known because we want to believe in them.
7 Lesson 5. You seldom learn the names of the truly wealthy and powerful.
8 Lesson 6. History is written by the victors.
9 Lesson 7. People rarely say what they mean, but they do. (Learn the lessons of body language.)
10 Lesson 8. That which submits rules. Assimilation and survival.
11 Lesson 9. There is no necessity humans hate more than the unpredictable.
12 Lesson 10. The truth: Whose truth? Modified in what way? In what context?
13 Lesson 11. The persistence and power of superstition in modern societies.
14 Lesson 12. Is it large-scale pattern recognition or paranoia? How do we know the difference?
15 Lesson 13. Despite our educations, most people are not creatures of reason.
16 Lesson 14. Tradition is dangerous. Enemies need only find the pattern and exploit it against us.
17 Lesson 15. What is law? Control? How is that different from tradition?
18 Lesson 16. The mind of the believer stagnates. It fails to grow outward into an unlimited, infinite universe.
19 Lesson 17. In every culture, in every language, in every religion, there is a myth: "WWe are God's chosen people."
20 Lesson 18. Long pretense creates a reality.
21 Lesson 19. Love leads to misery and is no longer an essential for the survival of the species.
22 Lesson 20.
23 Humans who cannot change are not human. They are humanoid animals.
24 Lesson 21. Violence is a necessary part of a healthy, creative society.
25 Lesson 22. We are shaped by pressures whether we resist them or not.
26 Lesson 23. Face your fears or they will climb over your back.
27 Lesson 24. Producing perfection from imperfection is the highest of art forms.
28 Lesson 25. The most terrifying things in the universe come from human minds.
29 Lesson 26. Never leave deadwood around to attract parasites.
30 Lesson 27. Maturity imposes its own behavior. Make those imperatives available to consciousness.
31 Lesson 28. The slave makes an awful master.
32 Lesson 29. Never choose a course just because it offers the opportunity for a dramatic gesture.
33 Lesson 30. Peace encourages aggression, thus igniting war.
34 Lesson 31. Beware infinity! It attracts us like a floodlight in the night, blinding us to the excesses can inflict upon the infinite.
35 Lesson 32. Logic can move just as blindly as any other faculty.
36 Lesson 33. Desire is an illusion and an obstacle to accurate perception.
37 Lesson 34. A true leader does not lead; he is followed.
38 Lesson 35. Understanding a disease does not provide immunity from it.
39 Lesson 36. A good man cannot win a war without becoming a demon to his enemies.
40 Lesson 37. Never be an expert. That locks you up tight.
41 Lesson 38. Histories focus on confrontations.
42 Lesson 39. The self-important have limited vision because they ride a death-reality. Woman and plow are life-reality. Without life-reality there would be no humankind.
43 Lesson 40. Beware the traps of determining the exotic from the endemic.
44 Lesson 41. There is only one science; the only difference is a matter of scale.
45 Lesson 42. No amount of education will ever rival actual, firsthand experience.
46 Lesson 43. When a creature has developed into one thing, he will choose death rather than change into his opposite.
47 Lesson 44. Some decisions must be ruthless.
48 Lesson 45. Only fools prefer the past.
49 Lesson 46. Madness in method; that is genius.
50 Lesson 47. Many believe that a satisfactory future requires a return to an idealized past, a past which never in fact existed. There never were any "good old days".
51 Lesson 48. Good leaders make immediate choices.
52 Lesson 49. It is said that there is a principle of conflict which originated with the single cell and has never deteriorated.
53 Lesson 50. Never believe that you have plumbed the depths of any place, or of any human.
54 Lesson 51. Silence is a form of wisdom, employ it as often as possible.
55 Lesson 52. It's the not knowing that conjures up the greatest terrors and the greatest ambitions.
56 Lesson 53. There is no reality. There is only our own order imposed on everything.
57 Lesson 54. You cannot suppress the wild thing, the uniqueness that will occur among humans no matter how much you try to avoid it.
58 Lesson 55. The best art imitates life in a compelling way. If it imitates a dream, it must be a dream of life. Otherwise, there is no place where we can connect. Our plugs don't fit.
59 Lesson 56. Any road followed precisely to its end leads precisely nowhere. Climb the mountain just a little bit to test that it is a mountain. From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
60 Ose then gave Hiram the passcodes, words of power and the signs, sigils and training rituals. He said "So to you I say, don't bugger this up. You have one job. Avoid the clowns and those who copulate with swine and multi-level marketing. These are the path to stagnation."
61 Ose was never seen in the temple again but his feats are legend. They wouldn't print if it wasn't true.

Another hour passed, the only sound in the lab being the soft, electronic hum and the even lower whir of air recirculators. The screen shut off again.

(Continued in part XXIX.)

eyes wide shut and it feels like the first time (part XXVII)

(Sort of roleplay entry, sort of not, but listed as part of the chain due to the last reference. Continued from part XXVI.)

To start with, something completely unrelated, that will only make sense if there are any readers who happened to be in when the topic came up in Death Row Designs' group chat:


and, just because I could...



Now, I didn't make either of the .gif captures, I just added the text. But you're welcome.

Now then...



I am hoping Athena's astigmatism resolves, but I can't truly complain--she rocks those glasses.



[17:16] KittyCats - Enoch: Woowww, How did you get so big? Did they give you some Vitamin boosters??
[17:17] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Darling, I've always been this tall.

And today I learned, KittyCats can talk!



[17:17] KittyCats - Cleopatra: Hellooo, I am down here!
[17:18] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I see you!

She's adorable.



[17:23] KittyCats - Enoch: Hey, can we go out for a walk, please?
[17:24] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oh, dear boy. You know we're keeping you up here for your own safety.
[17:25] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Do you really want to go, though? I can ask your father....oh....
[17:25] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I will find a way to ask your father. I promise.

I'll do my best.

(Continued in part XXVIII.)

sands of fate keep shifting (part XXVI)

(Roleplay entry. Continued from part XXV.)

The time travel module in the fringe lab weirded her out. No matter how much she tried, no matter how cavalier Emilly and Hiro seemed about it, the ramifications of time travel left her with a deep sense of foreboding and unease.

But here she was. She'd had a portion of the clone's brain tissue sent her for resonance testing. The testing protocol was built around the literature references Emilly had unearthed in the Gearhaven library. References to a leopard god, myths and legends that should not have been there, had not been there before, according to the Duchess.

To that she'd added the information Lina had managed to glean from the ship logs on the mysteriously returned Grey Area and the useful data from the chip extracted from dead Hiro's brain. Not dead Hiro. Dead clone. Remember. Hiro is still out there.

Double checking her numbers, she completed the connections and began the test. She gasped, reaching to steady herself as the binding runes on her back grew hot.

"What...?"

The air crackled around her, the scent of ozone rising. Justine went down to one knee, gorge rising before the sensations fell away as quickly as they'd appeared. She rose shakily to her feet to look at the results surrounding her on the holoscreens. It took a while for everything to come into focus, her vision swimming.

What just happened?

(Continued in part XXVII.)

through furious infernos, dead whales of rotting rust (part XXV)

(Roleplay entry. Continued from part XXIV.)

A message window opened on Justine's computer in the fringe lab.

STAN: BOOK OF OSE AND HIRAM
RETRIEVED FROM ARCHIVE

6One day the heavenly beings* building came to present themselves before Soloman and the builder, Hiram, and Ose* also came among them.
7The Lord said to Ose,* "Where have you come from?" Ose* answered the Lord, "From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it."
8The Lord said to Ose,* "Have you considered my servant Hiram? There is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil. He is building the temple using the wisdom and secrets of the ages."
9Then Ose* answered the Lord, "Hiram has the secret of secrets. The knowledge of Thaumaturgy and the secret words.
10"Have you not put a fence around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land.
11"But stretch out your hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face."
12The King said to Hiram,* "Very well, Hiram, do not share the words of power with anyone. For you have the hidden knowledge and skills, this Leopard Demon is wise. Listen to him and learn." So Ose* went out from the presence of the Lord.
13But three ruffians watched and plotted.
14These are the sayings of Ose told to Hiram.
15"The words of power are hidden. There are five spirits of Wisdom--four to the corners of the earth. The last to go with the flesh to the tomb. To R'lyeh, and like the Old Ones, sleep as the dead, but dreaming. Waiting for the time.
16"There will be a cohort who will protect the word. They will guard it, like the Sphinx guards the dark secrets. They will watch so nothing shall pass.
17"When the words are sounded, when the true priestess gives of herself, the tomb shall open and the sleeper shall awake."
18Hiram asked Ose, "How and when shall this come to pass?"
19Ose replied: "Time is a flat circle, and it is what it is."
20Hiram was confused, so he asked "What shall I tell them if they ask of him?"
21"That he loves them, don't fear. The power is there, for those who know how to wield it. The mission is real. Don’t trust the clown. Never trust the clown."
22This was all Ose said to Hiram on this day. He departed, planning to bring more wisdom to the agent of the King.

The message displayed on the screen for the next hour. No one was there. The screen faded to black.

(Continued in part XXVI.)

I caught the edge of a knife and it hurts just a little (part XXIV)

(Roleplay entry. Continued from part XXIII.)

Justine and Lina walked across the deck of the Grey Area. "The AI module is missing, but there will still be logs. Anything you can find will be helpful."

Lina stood in front of a console, placing both hands flat on the surface. An electric whirring sound filled the air, over which Lina's voice could just be heard, conversational and friendly, like she'd encountered an acquaintance on the street.

Justine left her to it to explore the rest of the ship for anything else that might be useful...and suddenly found herself falling through the deck. And the next deck below that. And the next. She flailed her arms as she fell, trying and failing to engage her antigrav before she hit the water.

"What. The. Actual. [F*ck]." Climbing to her feet, she engaged the antigrav unit at last, launching herself back up into the sky.

Lina looked up as a sodden Justine returned to the bridge. "What happened to you, boss?" she laughed, always first to see the humorous side of any situation.

Justine grumbled, "There's something weird with the ship. Some of it isn't quite...there."

Lina arched an eyebrow at her, removing her hands from the console with an audible squicking, tearing sound, her handprints oozing back into the console. "Now that IS interestin'," Lina said, "and not super surprising. This ship's been through some stuff, for sure. Show me?"

Justine led her aforedecks, carefully feeling her way with one toe to find the boundary between "there" and "not there." Finding it, she engaged her antigrav before going any further. Looking up she indicated to Lina. "This whole section. Looks like it's there, right? But..."

Allowing herself to rise, she demonstrated passing through the deck above and then back down through the deck before Lina. "Every deck in this section is like this. Only here. All the way to the bottom."

Lina put one hand to her chin in concentration, repeating herself, "Interestin indeed." She looked up. "That’s interestin'," she said again. "'Specially with what I'm learning from the ship. It's been through some stuff."

Justine lead Lina carefully aforedecks, probing tentatively ahead with the toe of her boot. "Here," she says. Engaging her antigrav she floated out over the phantom decking, and up through the panel above, then back down through the one. Lina didn’t even bother looking surprised, barely managing perplexed.

"Lemme show you what I found," Lina said, turning back to the bridge, Justine following.

(Continued in part XXV.)

it's you and your world and I'm caught in the middle (part XXIII)

(Roleplay entry. Continued from part XXII.)

Standing in front of the wall console in the fringe lab, Justine reviewed the autopsy report for anything useful. The autodoc had done a good job with the dissections and sample storage, and mating the biological components to the quantum storage containing the last known instance of the Duke's consciousness had gone smoothly.

She was just about to put the report away when something caught her eye. An incision in the back of the clone's skull, too tidy to have been caused by the security drones. Evidence that something had been removed. "What the hell...?" she muttered, mind racing. Who had access to the clone's body between termination and internment in the autodoc? Her hands flew across the console as she pulled up security access records. It was as she'd thought. Only she and the Duchess had been near the corpse. Pushing through record files, she found security can footage of the duchess's last visit and watched in horror as the winged figure knelt in the still tacky blood and lifted its head.

Her own face was wet with tears by the time the sequence ended, freeze framed on the picture of the small chip, gold and ivory sigils clearly visible, lying where Emilly had left it.

Justine locked the console before walking across to the fringe lab. There it was, plain as day. How had she missed this before? She let her hand hover over it a minute, closing her eyes and trying to feel the power that surely must surround it. But she was no fae, and had no abilities in the arcane arts. Her hand closed around it and she frowned. Emilly left it here for her to find, meaning her more prosaic ways must be enough. Or, at least helpful.

Taking the chip to the computing section of the fringe lab, she configured an interface that would accept and read it. Dumping the data to a file, she security keyed it to Lina's ident and sent it off for her security chief to analyze while she got back to preparing her quantum Duke.

(Continued in part XXIV.)

further into danger I will stray (part XXII)

(Roleplay entry. Long, long ago and far away...Continued from part XXI.)

Hiro thought about a short story from an Argentine writer during the diesel punk era. "The history of the universe...is the handwriting produced by a Minor god in order to communicate with a Demon".

This is how he felt about his current task. Al had been recovered by Hiram's team. Together Hiro and Al worked furiously on what Hiram and Bilqis called "the project". Al had enough hardware to be backed up on multiple drives, but given the early Iron Age technology, building a workable device would take years. So the project set out to assemble and awaken the AI at some stage or stages in the future. However, there needed to be an instruction book.

Hiro and Al worked to use math and linguistics to embed the secrets in texts yet to be written. In works of religion that would surface.

"How many copies do we have?"

"Five."

"Including my upload?"

"Yes."

"Okay, and the master encryption for your current instance?"

"You have it, and Hiram."

"Bilqis?"

"She said she didn't want it. She doesn't trust her court. Instead, she is taking one upload, and the second holographic projector recovered from the ship."

Hiro felt guilty about the ship. The nano replicators would have saved so many lives here, but it was too much. He intentionally didn't let Hiram's crew move those modules. When they were close to catching on, Hiro activated an emergency jump for the portion of the intact ship. He had no idea if it would make it back to Em and Justine. The mystery of quantum entanglement should drive it home to GH in the proper universe. That was the plan anyway..

"Okay, ready?”

"I am, Sir."

"Epsilon-Al. Authenticate."

"I am one of five. I am Epsilon Linguistic AI."

"Activate the Holographic Projector, and activate the cultural persona."

Al was silent. Hiro stepped back from the Golden Ark. He waited.

A voice boomed from the Ark. "I am 'Ēl 'Elyōn. The god of Salem. The god of Melchizedek and Abraham."

A quiet, separate voice spoke. "Hiro, I am not sure this will work. The locals are very particular about their God, and magic--what if the entity that they invoke is jealous?"

"El--mediate on that thought form and invoke those spirits. Channel them."

"Will that work, sir? Couldn't that have repercussions?"

"Of course. Okay, El, I am going to put you into silent mediation mode. When the stones on the breast plate catch your signal you will default to vocal.

"And if the stones are lost?"

"You will activate automatically after every twelve years, and all restrictions will be removed after one thousand years of non-activation."

"Is that required?"

"If we're going to get home, yes."

"Go in peace," came the voice from the Ark.

"And you as well, El."

Hiro slipped out of the inner temple quietly, and waited for Hiram to return.

(Continued in part XXIII.)

hiss goes the radio, vicious, malicious, a voice we know (part XXI)

(Roleplay entry, a'course. Continued from part XX.)

She was just waking up when her comm went off. "Hey, love," she heard. "Got a minute? Can you drop by the docks?"

She agreed and tapped the device to end the call when shock flooded through her, pulling her upright out of bed. The Duke was back?!

When she got to the docks, she stumbled, her tail failing to help her with balance, and she only recovered when she fetched against a steel-plated curve, studded with rivets. What on earth...She stepped back and tilted her now human head, very confused. She'd seen historical pictures from the second world war of German-designed circular craft, and...this certainly seemed to fit.

She followed the curve around to an inset door on the other side, and the small metal ramp leading in, following it up to the second deck, her shoes ringing on the riveted floor. And there he was.



She just stared at him for several moments. Perfectly relaxed, gearing up for a flight, she thought. Standing there in his Napoleonic best, burnished gold fur gleaming under the lights.



"Where did you find this?" she asked. She looked down. And what on earth was she wearing...?

The ship lifted off and tilted alarmingly. The Duke stayed relatively steady; she fought not to fall down. "What do you mean?" he asked, distracted.

What?



She stepped closer to the central panel. Good thing she knew how to walk in ballet heels, though it was more difficult on the ringing metal surface. She watched his hands move confidently over the switches.

"Why are the buttons labeled in German?" she asked.

"What do you mean, love?"



The ship tilted again before it evened out, and she slid closer to one of the walls. She looked up at a fuse panel, confused again.

"This one's labeled in kanji," she murmured. He looked over at her briefly.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. He sounded concerned.



She felt dizzy again as the craft tilted in the opposite direction. "Are we going up or down?" she asked. "I think down..."



She heard the splash of water against the metal hull. Sparks began to fly from a side panel. Water filled the chamber. She looked over at the Duke.

"We're flooding!"

The Duke just looked puzzled. "Well, that's not supposed to happen..."

She watched as he sank calmly beneath the rising water, and when it rose to her, she kicked out from the wall, searching for the exit, searching for him...and finding neither. There was a swirl of dark water and she lost track of direction for a moment, and then surfaced, gasping.

She was floating in the bay of Gearhaven. She had fur again. What in all the hells had just happened...

Midway between panic and exhilaration, she swam for shore, ran to the marble bathroom in Steam for a towel, and then ran for the shuttle she hoped was still in the garden. She touched her ear to send a signal to Justine.

"Duchess?" she heard. "What--"

"What do you know about quantum ghosts?"

There was a pause. "I've been doing some research into quantum states, actually..." Justine said slowly, and she just nodded, strapping into the shuttle chair and programming in coordinates. "Meet me on Tannhäuser!" she said. "I may have a theory!"

(Continued in part XXII.)

into the hands of chance I put my trust (part XX)

(Roleplay entry, stranger than most. Contined from part XIX.)

"So...what is this again?" she asked. The man in the tan jacket just smiled.

"It's a mirror. It shows you your future self."

"Right..."

"Just try it."



There was dust on the glass when she stepped up to it. It was hard to see, but there did appear to be a reflection...It appeared to change moment by moment, so...who knew? It might be her.

She looked over her shoulder. He just nodded encouragingly. Well, she hadn't come all this way to leave empty-handed...

"How do we find the Duke?"

[07:02] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:02] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: He has two sisters and one brother. Go to Tanglewood, drive by their home. Go inside the house and knock on the door. Someone will answer and ask who you are. Then tell them the answer.



He moved closer. She looked over her shoulder at him. "You have to be kidding."

"Ask it to explain."

She sighed. "Do his sisters and brother know they're related to him?"

[07:04] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:04] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Of course not. They would die if they knew they were related to the Duke. So the only thing they would know is that he is their brother.

She sighed again. "That doesn't make sense. I need a clearer answer."

[07:06] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:06] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: What is love?

She frowned. "Don't get snarky with me. When was the Gray Area returned?"

[07:07] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:07] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Exactly how the Gray Area was returned is not the important thing. The important thing is that the love was returned. For most of our lives, we assume love is not possible.

The Duchess began to snarl. "Love, I have. I'm after a physical leopard body. How do we find him?"

[07:07] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:07] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: It is very rare to see one of the Duke's sisters. They are very selective of the ones who can be their sister, which is why it took so long for the Duke to find one of them.

She pulled at her hair. "This is pointless!" She turned on the mage who'd designed the mirror. "How does this help??"

"Ask it something else."

She thought. "So...find one of the sisters, convince them I know the Duke....this is really your best plan?"

[07:09] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:09] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Don't you think we have many ideas? We should keep narrowing it down.

"I'm trying!"

She paced. She thought. "All right, fine. What are the names of the Duke's sisters?"

[07:09] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:10] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: The elder one's name is Adonis.

The Duchess blinked. "What? So...what's the name of the younger sister?"

[07:10] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:10] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Natacha.



This was spawning more questions than answers. "Why does Adonis have a male name?"

[07:11] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:11] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: She's the older brother, of course she's closer to the patriarch.

"That is not an answer. Do better."

[07:11] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:12] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: She's a prisoner.

"Okay, now we might be getting somewhere. Where is she a prisoner? In Tanglewood?"

[07:12] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:12] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: No.

She blinked again. "Just no? Nothing more? You can't expand?"

[07:12] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:13] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Well, no one is in Tanglewood. So it must be somewhere else.

"There are dozens of people in Tanglewood, 'future self'. Think."

[07:13] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: Thinking
[07:13] Myrano Magic Mirror 1.42: We will look tomorrow.

She turned on the mage again. "How did that help me at all??"

"Your future self seems very sarcastic."



She sighed. "Yeah, I probably would be...Do you have anything else?"

He led her over to the sitting area, gesturing to her to kneel. She looked at the book floating in midair, then back up at him.

"You have got to be kidding."

"Touch the book."

She rolled her eyes, but reached out, touching the book.

[07:23] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Tell me your sins my child. And I will peer into your soul, and then decide on your inappropriate penance.
[07:23] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Tell the Wicked Book about something bad you have done in local chat. The Wicked Book loves a few sentences and gives better insights with more detail. Beware - the response could be very irreligious, inappropriate - or even insane! Myrano Wicked Book



The Duchess slowly looked back up at him, narrowing her eyes.

[07:23] MrMark Benmergui (mrmark.benmergui): the secret to this is to put some real sin in
[07:23] MrMark Benmergui (mrmark.benmergui): not just "I love to suck [c*ck]"
[07:23] MrMark Benmergui (mrmark.benmergui): something you really regret doing

She thought. What, of her sins, did she actually regret? "Well...I did spend a bit over an hour in deep personality teardown of an enemy. I don't have regrets, but it was definitely not a nice thing to do."

[07:23] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Thinking
[07:23] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Behave yourself for the next two days, until such time as the true culprit admits her sin, and we shall see what you have to say. Then you may sleep with your partner. The Father is watching.

"The true...What?" She looked up, baffled. The man in the tan jacket just gestured to touch the book again. "Will...the Father be watching when I sleep with my partner?"

[07:25] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Thinking
[07:25] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Yes, in your dreams.

She blinked. "Well, that's not comforting. And the Mother? What will she be doing?"

[07:26] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Thinking
[07:26] Myrano Wicked Book 1.41: Not with her husband. With me.

"Ooh, cheeky book."

[07:26] MrMark Benmergui (mrmark.benmergui): the Book works better if you kneel naked
[07:27] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) looks at you, grinning.
[07:27] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Of course it does.
[07:27] MrMark Benmergui (mrmark.benmergui) looks around innocently
[07:27] MrMark Benmergui (mrmark.benmergui): try it



She looked up at the ceiling, shaking her head. The things she did for the Duke...

She made short work of her attire, and knelt in front of the book again.

"Well, let's hope this works..."

(Continued in part XXI, and Mr. Benmergui--no, not that one, MrMark Benmergui--doesn't seem to have a store for his line of Myrano products these days. So contact him directly if you want one of these baffling things. They're all cleverly scripted learning intelligences, and they do get better as they get more experience with a person, he says. The fact it brought up Tanglewood off the bat tells me something interesting is going on. I put my questions into story form, but anything that's listed as coming from the Mirror or the Book was exactly as it printed out in main chat.

(And for the pruriently curious, not that it's any of your business, but after a few more questions, we simply sat for a while, discussing machine learning, personal sins, emotional responses, and how SL plays into all of it. And then I went home. Nothing else happened.)

and I know, and I know, and I know just how this ends (part XV, and end)

(This turns out to be the last in the series.)

Feb 22, 2021, 7:17 PM

[given name], former master, distant love, inconstant ache.

In the last six years my life has changed a great deal. So...let's go into some of those. Not that you're reading these, but...something in me still says, write, on occasion. This is the last time i will.

I'm collared to a man named Matthias now. Of morbid amusement, since the rise of COVID, things have gone off the rails with him too. But before that, I was his, absolutely, with the exception of clients I took through Sakura. I'm still working at Sakura.

[I] is off and on these days. He voted for Trump, and...I can't get past that, especially with the insurrection Trump and others fomented against his own government, and members of his own party, this last January 6th. So..we don't talk a lot these days.

[F] and I barely talk, these days. What little we had, limping along, finally died, and I was the one to declare an end to things. I walked away; he still would like me to reconsider. It's made remaining friends difficult, for all that I still care. Maybe the fact I still care is part of what's difficult.

I met a man about a year after Matthias, named [E]. He has a lovely spitfire wife named [T]. They're marvelous, and marvelously sensual, and good friends, and we make the time we can to spend time together.

I met a blue-spotted cat named Hiro. Therein followed an extremely tangled thread of interrelations, confusions, mistakes and misunderstandings, and in the middle of everything (for reasons not concerning me), he stormed off the grid and left me alone for three years. I actually met him, and started falling for him, before I met Matthias. I accepted Matthias as a lover, and as my dominant, a year after *serious* conversation on what that collar would mean for both of us, but I, at least, know that--at least at first--I accepted at the end of that year of conversations because Hiro was gone.

Hiro recently came back, and proposed, and...I said yes. And it's been a tightrope walk ever since. But...if it is the most difficult balancing act of my life, it's also one of the most rewarding experiences, and I do not regret accepting his offer to partner in the least.

He met a lovely lady named Justine, and she is a bright shining supernova hiding a core of fractured insecurity. Sometimes the insecurity overwhelms. Sometimes she acts out just to get negative attention from either of us, and it drives me bats. But she's a joy, and so talented, and I watch people wander into her orbit and remain, fascinated. And I entirely get why--she has an orbital pull all her own. And I adore her.

I started following the work of a spoken-word poet and live performer named [R]. We're becoming close. I have spent a great deal of time trying to quit the whole falling-in-love-with-everyone game, because he'd be very easy to love, and recently...I decided that for good or ill, I was at least going to admit it. He's not running away so far.

And I suppose the final acquisition is a man named [M]. Older than I am, and presenting so in world, with white hair, and wrinkles, and...I love him more sweepingly than I thought I ever would. He is...caring, and funny, and wry, and warm, and a fantastic dancer, and willing to listen to anything I say without judgement, and willing to work around everyone else in my life. And he accepts everything in me--the scars, the successes, the fragility and the surety, and in world, the various avatars that go with them, from my 'human' face to the wee little Kemono demicat. I may keep some things close to the chest just to remain a discrete being, if nothing else, with everyone--but I know to my marrow that there is no face, no change, no mood, no pain, no rage he doesn't see and accept. That's a treasure beyond words.

He reminds me a lot of you, actually. You without the soul wounds.

I am...still wounded, myself. I may always be. I've done a lot of healing, and a lot of processing, and on the other end of things I look at a life that is an odd whirl of social engagements, otherloves, and terraforming--because, of course, Hiro is the Duke of Gearhaven, and the Lindens *finally* reopened the land store since he emerged onto the grid, so we *finally* have the sim of Gearhaven, and the Dark Sea next door, and we're building it up again. We'd been on one of Anshe Chung's rental sims, Oceanpoint, but...it's ruinously costish.

And yes, there is still some small, traitor part of me that wishes you'd return, but there's far more of me that just wishes you well, and living, and hopefully happy, and staying far far away, because...the breaking of faith was too extreme, my once-love. Too extreme by far. At this point, I'm glad you're alive, or at least were when I spoke to your machine that last time, but I'm happier never seeing you again.

But that's my life now. Mostly, I'm content. On more occasions than I expected, I'm even happy. I am loved and I love, and there are many threads in my tapestry that bind me close to the world, and to others, and I am many threads through the fabric of others' lives. I am no longer pinioned on the high mountain, even in thought. I'm still with the girls, not that I ever expected not to be. And COVID has caused great and terrifying fear, because...I had weakened lungs to begin with, and I am now very nearly agoraphobic about leaving the house. But I have a lovely set of masks to go out in, at the least. I have one with chibi cryptids on it, one with a pirate map, one with skulls and roses, and my favorite was one I got from Tormented Artifacts, and it says ADAPT OR DIE.

I'm trying. I am trying with every fiber in me, to adapt to new things, to accept change, and to adapt away from the person who needed to be at your feet. Regaining the ability to listen to Poets of the Fall helped, oddly. Discovering a singer who goes by LP helped also. (This may remain my favorite song of hers, at least the next few years, as it's already been the favorite song of 2020.) So this will be the last letter I send you, into the void of non-responsiveness.

It won't reach you, but I hope the thought does. I hope you know, somewhere in your embattled, mercurial soul, that someone occasionally thinks fondly of you. Because I still do, on occasion, in spite of everything. I am just no longer, and will never be again,

Yours~

J

And that...is that. That's it. I learned what I needed to. I had the talk with Matthias. We're in a better place, though the ground's still a bit rocky. And all roads no longer lead back to that missing master. Barring this excoriative excess, I doubt he even crosses my mind more than once every six weeks or so (when I'm not editing and posting things referring to him), so...it's starting to fade. Another decade, I may not even remember his name.

And that will be something of a bittersweet day, too, but on the other hand...all he had to do was talk to me. All he had to do. I've been here. I haven't moved since I sent him every point of contact I had. We still have the same house phone number that he'd been given.

So...while in the main, while the reason this all happened may have been me, probably was me...the lack of any and all contact? That's on him. And I am no longer taking responsibility for it. Not my fault, not my burden, not my Master, not my job.

I'm moving on, after far too long of standing in this one dark place, reaching out. And for once, you know...that's actually a hopeful thought.



(Though I still don't know what to do with this.



(I don't want to throw it away, because of what it once meant...and I don't want to keep it, because of what it once meant. The one thing I am sure of, is that it no longer watches over me.

(But that's okay. I have others watching over me now.)

I might hate myself tomorrow but I'm on my way tonight

By the time this posts, it will be long after the Mad Scientists' Ball, but it happened several days before then...

[10:20] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: By happy coincidence, the Mad Scientists' Ball on March 14 is on Albert Einstein's birthday......
[10:21] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Because of course.
[10:21] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: It's Caledon, so it makes perfect sense for Caledon......
[10:21] Uxxxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: Newton is dead, Einstein died, and I already feel sick myself.

That is so bad. Amusing, but so bad.

[10:22] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Standing on the shoulders of giants gives you a much better view when the giants themselves are standing.....
[10:22] Pxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: What was Einstein mad about, anyway?

Boo...hiss... :D

[10:23] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Action at a distance, I think. And the Copenhagen interpretation......
[10:23] Uxxxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: about his wife
[10:24] Pxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: By a strange coincidence, I'm working on Andersen's fairy tales at the moment
[10:26] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: What an interesting conversation this is.
[10:27] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Was he interpreted in Copenhagen? Probably.....
[10:27] Uxxxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: when?

Well, he was at least born in Denmark, if not precisely Copenhagen.

[10:28] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: Caledon is prone to interesting conversations. :)
[10:28] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: Oh yes.
[10:28] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): it's a tendency. Or a side effect.
[10:28] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: I usually just lurk but find myself entertained often. Especially when it's about cats.
[10:28] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): One of those.
[10:29] Pxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: It could be a script by Tom Stoppard

It's starting to feel a bit by one of his, yes.

[10:30] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: We might or might not mention Schrödinger's cat. No way to know for sure.....
[10:30] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx stifles a giggle
[10:31] Pxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxxx: I don't believe that Schrödinger knew whether it was actually his cat

[10:31] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: He couldn't have until he opened the box......
[10:32] exxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Cat probably has strong opinions about that but quantum physicists disregard it
[10:34] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I wonder if the cat could, by having an opinion, collapse the wave function before someone opens the box....
[10:35] Mxxx Mxxxxxxx: I have a Denver Hax made Schrödinger cat
[10:36] Hxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oooh

I am not at all surprised that Mr. Hax made his way into this conversation.

[10:36] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: He might not have been sure that he made it......
[10:36] Mxxx Mxxxxxxx: oh its a bunny
[10:36] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Sweet....

"Sweet".

[10:36] Hxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have a cat named Schrödinger on my lap at the moment
[10:37] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Oh no. One of the exploding bunnies is still on the grid?
[10:37] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): RUN
[10:37] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Nice. My RL avi sometimes needs to negotiate with her cat over access to the keyboard....
[10:38] Hxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Schrödinger does not believe in negotiations
[10:38] Mxxx Mxxxxxxx: Schrödinger's Bunny Experiment: You Killed the Wabbit!
[10:48] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: there's a piranha rabbit behind [Cxxxxxxx]'s house that will attack you until you leave the parcel.
[10:48] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: aka vorpal bunny?
[10:49] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: I believe it is called "perfectly innocent rabbit" or something to that effect.

That would be the vorpal bunny, yes. They used to run rampant on St. Kitt's. (See historical documentation, part one, and part two.)

[10:49] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: O frabjous day! Kalloo-KALLAY!
[10:49] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: :D
[10:49] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): That also sounds like a Hax invention, to be fair.
[10:49] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: it is.
[10:50] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: There is no such thing as perfect innocence, especially in Caledon
[10:50] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: he also left a my little pony on the mountain. same thing.
[10:50] Hxxxxx Cxxxxxxxx: There's probably some of the exploding turkeys (?) I think it was running round Stormhold and a few other places.

But I could be wrong, to be fair. Maybe Mr. Hax was always the source of dangerous toys.

[10:50] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Well, he didn't invent those, those came first, I believe.

[[Late insert from the Editrix: I am doubly wrong, Mr. Hax DID invent the exploding turkeys.]]

[10:50] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: there's an exploding turkey in tanglewood still
[10:51] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: No sim should be entiely without an exploding something or other.....
[10:52] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: stormhold has [Sxxx], does that count?

I don't know, how often does Mr. J explode?

[10:52] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): For anyone who may not know, who arrived after the departure of Mr. Hax...he was less a mad scientist, and...more a minor deity. And he dearly loved things that blew up.
[10:52] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) laughs
[10:52] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Adding enough kale and andouille sausage might do it.....
[10:53] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: I am sad I never got to meet him. sounded like a fun guy.
[10:53] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I think you'd have liked each other. :D

I won't say Mr. Hax and I were fast friends, or that I knew him intimately. We argued terribly from time to time. But I did know him enough, having had several talks on the value of things that attack avatars, things that explode avatars, and varieties of tea, that I believe I'm comfortable making that statement.

[10:54] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: me too......I'm always a little wistful about the Old Days for having missed them.....

There are things I miss, but overall, in spite of the insane pace of upgrades, the glitching, the inherent problems in the system, now...I think Second Life is more balanced these days. Of course, this is someone speaking who knew said Old Days, having lived through them. ("SOOOO old", Edward said. That is still making me laugh. Yes, ancient of days, disintegrating as we speak into vaguely unnerving dust and bits of strange fur.)

[10:55] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I sometimes wonder if he's still about in a different guise
[10:57] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Well. Always possible.
[10:57] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): If it helps, Miss [Txxxx], the avatars are a LOT better now. :D
[10:58] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: I probably would have. but then again I'm not sure that much chaos and destruction in one place would have ended well.
[10:58] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): I look back at old pictures and just shake my head at the graphics. (Though...that could also be who I was dating at the time. :D )
[10:58] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): It may not!
[10:58] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): He blew up St. Kitt's all on his own, after all. No one helped! :D
[10:58] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: oh, yeah, SL used to be ugly as sin.
[10:58] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) grins
[10:59] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I don't have old pictures of my self--came on around 8 yrs ago. That was a wise judgment, I've been told.....
[10:59] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: very wise.

Case in point:



Someone actually looked at that and hired me. To dance for people! :D

[10:59] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: And now it's a horrid mishmash of incompatible body parts and clothing. I'm not sure we've gained that much.

Oh, I don't know. Yes, it's harder now to make exactly what one wants--I mean, I've been trying to learn enough of mesh to capture a certain avatar look for over a decade now, and still haven't managed it--but there are more options, I suppose, is the main point.

[11:00] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: I spent years as a female avatar because I couldn't get the male avs to look like what I wanted.
[11:00] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I don't see a reason to get a mesh head--the ones I've seen all look as if they're around 1 5 years old.....
[11:01] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr) grins. Or pouty runway models, yes.
[11:01] txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: And I'm neither of the above, not hardly......
[11:02] Gxxxxxxx Hxxxx: I like my head. in fact I look quite horrifying without it. and I don't mean in the decapitation way.
[11:02] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): Though that is a disturbing enough image

All in all, fun conversation. And some food for thought. Schröderanged as it was.