Wednesday, April 18, 2007

there's just too much that time cannot erase

And you still have all of me...

That's the long and the short of it now. And I have to work my head around how to take myself back again. I don't have a crypt handy, this time, with a corpse to speak with; rant out all my inner turmoil, unleash all my pain...my lost one is still breathing. Makes it difficult to grieve, for shouldn't I be celebrating for both of us? I'm free, he's free, we're moving to a better place, we just weren't meant to be....

I don't buy any of the platitudes right now. I savor little. My mouth is ash, my eyes are dull glass, I am empty and hollowed of all. I'm desperate for any affection, and little gives me ease.

But I've been here before and I've gotten through this place before. There are green hills beyond and I will reach them.

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Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight


Fire burning, ashen pain, cobalt chill of the frozen soul, I've been in these places before. I know these lands. Right now I'm doing my best to keep busy. I'm working on building jewelry, tricky and intricate, projects involving the whole of my brain and more. I'm working on work; dancing for tips, being the pretty club accessory, something involving less brain but more acting, at least right now.

Everything else...will happen when it happens. Contact with the demon, involvement with friends and loves, investigating the rich diversity of the world again. Walking. Walking may become essential soon. And I recently found a Japanese hot springs I'm going to have to look into...

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear


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So, okay, back here now. I see it now. And I may abuse my privileges with the corpse of the dead one, and go rant at his bones for someone else. Who knows, maybe it'll help. Because I know, I know full well, I only realize what I'm thinking if I see it in print, or say it out loud. It's the deepest way I'm wired, and one I've never wanted to combat.

So go rant at the dead boy, some, surround myself in the chill of sturdy Forsaken stone, and breathe again. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's necessary.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...


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In the meantime I've got this. I've got dancing back. And yeah, it's not brain surgery, but it takes a little skill to look good. Thankfully I've still got all the accessories, and I still like my dance togs, and I've got enough I can go through every single one that's legal to wear and still have gear for two months of dance shifts.

So I dance. I dance and I try to forget and I try to deal and I work on not thinking about things so much. In the meantime I remember and I can't deal and I obsess on everything. Of course.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone


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Spent the morning as the little oiran, the evening as the poledancer. Found a lot of things I'd love for Taiyou, and just maybe, I might be building some furniture for it to go with my new samovar. I'm thinking a little tea nook, with images of the Companions, might be just the thing. Dances and sitting opportunities in one alcove, tea in the back corner with the pictures, the fireplace with the couches, and the grand piano in the far alcove. And upstairs, should anyone desire, access to other leisures. It should work. It should be fun.

Given a month or so...I think I'll even be in the mood for it.

But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.


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I have to be honest with myself, in spite of everything else. And the question of today is, would I have gone with him, had I known then, what I know now? I think the answer's still yes. I think I still would have taken the risk, even knowing pain would be the reward.

Great love means great risk, and the potential for great loss. Love anyway. That's rule 6. And I still hold it to be true.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...


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In the meantime, I breathe a lot, I walk, I talk to people. I try not to worry those who love me. I fail spectacularly at that...I've been hanging out a lot in sandboxen, building my own little projects, watching others build theirs. I'm trying to sleep when I can, but my brain's keeping me up late, tossing questions at me, images, nostalgic taint thick in the blood and bone...

Maybe I need to flip on some fins and go swimming in Rua, too. Just back and forth, around and around, cool water all around me and nothing human in my way.

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed


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And I'll do it. Day by day, getting better. Isn't that what I'm telling people? I'm telling them the truth. Told the demon this. Day by day, every day, getting better. Getting stronger. Farther away from it. Dealing with it.

Just...takes time. Takes time, and allowing it to take time. That's the hardest part.

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...


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But on the plus side? Sometimes, as the line goes, I dress to match certain events, and sometimes, regardless of whatever else is going on, at least I know I like my clothes.

And I do adore my fishies. Panicked as they are to be in shoes. So that's something to make me smile, anyway.

Now you'll pardon me, apparently something of significant tragical nature has befallen the demon's daughter, and I must go find out what...

Current build: Decorated cabochons in bezels. Now to find someone with spare necklace chain about...

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