Friday, April 6, 2007

someday, something's gotta give

Last night the voice of the darkened moon floated through the ether, while I tried to convince the neko lad I wasn't turning from him, and tried to convince a dark-natured kitsune that I'm out of his reach. Two ways, if I think on it--in the outer world and in Lumindor, my heart is claimed, and at present, I'm still dreading new involvements.

But the neko wished to discuss it further, so off we traipsed to my home in Rivula, grown dusty through long weeks of disuse. We lay side by side and shared our hearts, our doubts, our fears, and what hope we have.

It did not end in tears. That is a good thing. But oh, at times, he makes my heart hurt, as well as my heart sing, and I do not know if that is good at all.

He asked me questions. He asked me questions about how many one person, one me, can love at once. He asked me how those relationships fared, one against the other. He asked me how many of those pairings ended in tears--and he was right in the answer I gave, many were terrors in the making, with endings worthy of Greek tragedies.

He asked me...whether it was worth it to consider monogamy. To consider being only his.

I still don't have a good answer to that.

He told me I erode his happiness, I steal his sanity, and as much as it hurt to ask, I had to--I had to look at him and ask if I'm worth it. Worth such pain. Wouldn't it be better, I said, not breathing, if he found another who could be only his, who valued what he values, who could be everything to him?

He told me he would make the choice of me again, if he had to. He told me if he could go back in time to his younger self, he would tell himself to make the same choice. He told me...he is willing to be mine, and to have me be his as much as I can be, whatever that percentage is.

And he said he loved me. Over and again, he said he loved me. And he asked if I saw any hope at all, in us...in our love...in our choices?

And I said yes. Thin hope, hope so fragile, stretched to a narrow thread....but yes, there is hope. I see hope.

And he rested content in that.

Now I wish I could...

And I spent an hour this morning making another skirt. The waistband is still mystifying me--or maybe, the tucking-in of panels along said waistband--but I'm getting the hang of it. I think I'm getting better...

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And one of the full skirt, simply because I posed for it.

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Somewhere in there...I think my neko lad asked to move in with me. I have done this exactly twice. And both times it's been a colossal mistake. On the other hand...this was him asking to move in with me, and not the other way round.

Maybe it will make a difference?

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