Saturday, April 21, 2007

soon you will disappear, fading into beautiful light

Been an...odd few days.

First, investigated some of Grendel's Children's new sim, in Avaria. When we arrived, from the link I was sent, I was staring down a long columned hall, listening to the sound of wind. And something else--and when I turned around, I saw what it was.

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Granted, I'd never seen a stargate with green swirling light before, but this thing was breathtaking. The odd symbols rotated around the central swirling glow, and the entire apparatus hummed, as if preparing to move aloft. It took some time before my friend and I were able to move back, and continue down the columned hall.

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At the end of the column, the hall opened out--and I mean, really opened out--an over three-story rise from the base stones to the ceiling, full of overarching trees and curving horned architecture and odd little details. Like this one:

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These two small creatures seemed very startled, hanging out on one of the great tree's root loops. Aloe and olive surround them, ferns in high hanging pots, sandblasted urns and the eternal march of patterned stone. It's fairly awe-inspiring, it truly is.

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This is what I mean by horned architecture. These struts and curves and metallic spirals, almost like organic lace across the back wall, as details along the columns, forming the furniture. Really, really impressive stuph.

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We rounded a corner and saw this monolithic sculpture, next to a blue light that gave off dancing round azure balls that sputtered and faded. I maintained it looked like an ammonite shell, though the single largest I'd ever seen. My friend mentioned the concept of the Shofar, the Hebraic ram's horn that calls the faithful on high holidays.

We could either of us be right, and neither, but it was definitely an objet de intrigue.

We didn't see a tenth of the store, or the land surrounding. I'm going to definitely need to go back.

...in other news, the demon may well be at it again, and I never saw him coming. Again. Gods, but this is getting old, and I surpassing hate being this gullible.

I'm beginning to think it's not love, it's addiction, and I'm trying to live my life in rehab. It's far from easy. The latest ploy very nearly had me, very nearly drew me back in, wrapped me up with a neat black bow...I profoundly thank my favorite Victorian for kicking some sense into me, and saying No. And reminding me--the vow I took to the darkened moon does not allow contact, period. The promise I have from my neko lad is that he'll forgive me anything, but going back. And the promise I have from my favorite Victorian is that he will kick my ass soundly if, for any reason, I resume with the demon.

::sighs::

It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't still be this hard. I should be able to stand, and lightly laugh it off, and say, oh, once-love, we are over, do move on--but to date, I...I can't say it.

Perhaps that gives him hope. I know it makes my heart sink. After everything he's done--every mistake we made together--and I still feel...anything for him...that's not amused resignation, or firm disavowal? It makes me think I'm something of a hopeless case.

And I do not enjoy the feeling.

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