Tuesday, April 24, 2007

I've been losing my mind, baby, since I've been lovin' you

Remove one presence from the life, one sidecar of the train wreck, fire-daubed and black-lined. One presence gone, left behind, train moves on.

When chaos reigns without a purpose
When the swell of sound becomes too much
Crushed between the cogs that work us
When I feel I'm slowly losing touch


Suddenly the cars are unlinking, getting tangled, lighting on fire again...sound of metal tearing once more and I'm in the conductors' car, wondering why. Beginning to think it might be time--again--to clamber to the top of the front car, pull the side chains up and braced, and ride the wreck on down as it thunders off the cliff.

Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in a different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all


The statue come to life says, he never intended to bring me back to the rail. And I tell him, it's not him. Honestly, it was the demon dying, earlier this afternoon, and he blinked, and wondered what happened that he'd missed.

When the walls close in around me
When the ceiling's caving in
When the anxiety surrounds me
When my patience is wearing thin


So I told the whole story. Tragedy and consequence, confusion and misunderstanding, defriending and turning away. All of it. Dark and bright, though there was precious little bright in the latter days.

Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in a different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all


We danced until the dawn hours again, and I can't regret it. I'll probably regret enough later, when the wandering satellite chooses to wander far from me, and...when that happens, I'm not going to be right for...quite some time. I can't even conceive of the depth of this wound. I'm not even anticipating now.

The open road unwinds before me
An onyx ribbon spreading out
No idea where I'll be going
Sometimes the journey is what counts


[5:13] You: So yeah. Not going to say worst day ever. Because that was a certain Tuesday in January, when I learned the Enigma was closing and Savan was leaving me, all in one night.
[5:13] You: THAT one. Worst day ever.

Yeah. Like that.

Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in a different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all


Hells, bits of the train wreck are already on fire...almost seems a shame not to let it burn down to the frame.

Again.

I mean, what's a train-wreck love life for, if not to burn spectacularly to twisted metal and rust? I've always had a thing for rust...

Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in a different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all


And maybe I need to get away too. Find a little quiet out-of-the-way nook. Build. Put on sunglasses, change my name, walk the world incognito. I don't know. All I know is, pain's coming, and the train-wreck's ablaze once more, and I just want less drama all around.

Still waking up in the mornings with shaking hands
And I'm trying to find a girl who understands me
But except in dreams you're never really free
Don't the sun look angry at me...


Still thinking...hiding? Best policy this week...

(Lyrics are Assemblage 23's "Drive"; last stanza is from Warren Zevon's "Desperadoes Under the Eaves")

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