Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

Baby, I'm angry.
Baby, I'm scared.
We're living in a dark time.
And nobody cares.


Some things cost. Some actions carry heavy prices, prices we don't want to pay. We must anyway, and always, and usually sooner rather than later.

This action cost me potential friendship, and understanding, and left me with little way to explain...but I have spent so much of my time explaining, of late, it should suffice now.

And I am far beyond tired, exhausted of the dance, and needing to stand and turn away. The dance ends, it overs, it finishes. We've reached the last spin. House lights up, everyone go home.

Baby, I'm tired.
Life isn't fair.
You are the only one,
who will always be there.


I am reminded, over and again, I have support now I had not before. And for once in all my life, I'm reaching out for it. My neko lad, my favorite Victorian, the darkened moon...each in their own way, healing and reclaiming me, making me whole again, telling me truth unvarnished and watching me relearn my way. And beyond that, my circle of friends, far too long neglected...the vampires and the dragons and the geishas, the furs and the reprobates, the nekos and the queens, the fallen angels and the demons halved...each of them a spark of light along my path.

I need this. I need to know this. I need to accept this, that I am going to struggle now, that I have to learn to walk my way all over again, begin anew. It's a hard lesson but I am listening. I am ready to learn.

Baby, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to cry.
But, I never needed you more,
than I need you tonight.


No one ever said demons were good for me. And no one ever said you couldn't lie to yourself. And maybe friendship was never going to be a possibility, for all my heart longed for it. And these are things I need to learn, too, engrave them on my consciousness in such a way that I am not tempted anew.

And knowledge, always the knowledge, that if I fall, I will be assisted back up; that if I sway, I will be caught and held; that if I decide to turn, there are those who will turn me back. Over and over until it finally sinks in: no going backwards. No accepting him back. No saying yes. No longer.

It's hard, it's paying a great price, but I'm paying. I'm paying.

I'm a small honeybee.
I drown in the water.
You are my hand in the well...


My neko lad asks after me nearly every evening. He cautions me to rest, and I try. I am still failing, but I think I'll get better at it, from now on. He says he loves me and means it; I say he's my safe harbor, and never have meant any words more.

I speak to my favorite Victorian nearly every day. He and his fiery lass are friends, both dear to me, and I rely on both of them for reason and understanding. Both of them willing to put up with all the drama I generate, for the sake of telling me how to return to the path.

And every moment I keep the darkened moon in mind...every time it can happen, we stay in communication, and I listen as much as I speak. And what I hear renews, reclaims, revives....Care and concern, nobility and vigilance, humor and acceptance...I rely on it like water to parched earth, like wine within stone, and slowly, confusion and pain ebb, replaced by strength and resilience.

I will get stronger. I will be better. I can see it, on the horizon.

Hold on, to me.
Say you'll always love me.
Tell me anything you want...
Promise that you will hold on...


But to get to there, to new beginnings and the shoring up of weakened supports, to new restructuring and strengthening of soul...there had to be an ending. And it had to be final. And I was clinging too hard and too long to see I was holding myself back, as much as him.

Does it hurt? Of course it does. I would not have a heart if it did not. Does it make me doubt? Absolutely. Even as I was leaving his House and unmarking his name in my memory, I had profound doubts, doubts that I'd done the exact wrong thing.

And it is one of the hardest things ever to be borne, walking away from chosen family. More than love, more than place, more than relationship, walking away from those who've chosen you, and named you theirs, adopted of their blood...it burns in me, pain that washes forward in waves, ebbing on its own internal tide. Now begins the true grieving, the grieving I thought I'd long since dealt with, the grieving that, when he left me, lasted all of a day....I was wrong.

Now the grieving begins in truth. And if the vampire princeling was anything to go by, it could easily last a month. And it's made harder by the fact that this demon still walks and breathes, and doesn't lie still in cold earth, reduced to memories and bones.

But I will do this. I will grieve for my loss and I will walk on. I will accept the support of my friends and my loves when I need it, and I will not feel ashamed if I need it often.

Because I will.

(Lyrics from Bif Naked's "Hold On")

8 comments:

Darien Mason said...

Goodbye, Emilly.

You've suffered enough by me. We shall both heal and be made stronger by this. Be Well.

~Darien

emillyorr said...

This is my sincerest hope, Darien.

Edward Pearse said...

*hugs*

Stiv Rych said...

~desu~

emillyorr said...

NO DESU

God, you bastard. NO DESU!

emillyorr said...

And thank you, Edward.

Christine McAllister said...

Miss Emilly, in the words of some very incredibly wise women I have had the honour of knowing...."This too shall pass". I'm only ever an IM away and I do keep my arsenic and cyanide handy *winks* You will heal, of this I'm sure...it all just takes time.

emillyorr said...

It does, it does.

Time wounds all he...I mean, time heals all wounds. And I am being patient with myself.

I suppose it's a good thing I'm used to having a wounded heart...