Friday, April 27, 2007

stay here in this moment, for all the rest of time

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming...

He kisses me like I'm the only source of oxygen for him, and he must keep breathing me in. I hold him like I never want to stop touching him. He keeps me awake far too late at night. I keep him awake too.

Last night, I told him I had to sleep at two in the morning. He agreed. We still kept kissing, and talking in soft voices, until four, when I finally spun away, wrapped the blankets around my head, and fell into dreams of him.

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure...

This is happening far too fast. And the tragic thing for me is, I have a memory of telling someone, "I don't move this fast, it's not me..." I told that one those words, more than once, and fell anyway. Maybe it was unavoidable, but the tragedy that followed is still searing my soul.

This, now, is happening far too fast. And every great love contains the seeds for great ruination, I know this full well. Taking the risk means risking pain as well as joy, and I have to take the risk anyway.

But it's making me breathless, how fast we went from "he looks interesting" to "never want to let him go"...

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing

He asks me to dream of him and I do. He asks me what I dreamt and I blush. He speaks to me, soft voice in the back of my mind, for hours. What I've done, what he's doing, costumes he created, furniture I'm building. What I've learned. Philosophy. Humor.


Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Always comes back to kisses. And holding each other. Close across the miles, the scent of his hair everpresent, the movement of his hands across my skin, the gentle smiles tossed my way, the tenderness in his fingertips.

I don't move this fast. The train wreck's speeding up. Does it matter that it's not on fire anymore?

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close

And all my otherloves, gathered around me, and the questions in my it just the flush of the new? Is it just infatuation? Adult-sized crush imbued with rampant kitten that all it is?

I think my rational mind would love to say yes, dismiss this, dismiss him, just a fling, just a moment, lovely but soon will fade...

...but I don't think it is. This has time and care and intensity writ large across its structure. This has breathless wonder built into the bones of it. This is...

...bigger than a fling.

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing...

He kisses me, and I drown in sensation. He touches me and I'm happy. He's glad to see me and I purr. And less of me is scared at this, than the scared parts want there to be.

Five days in and I panic, he plays my body like his best-loved harp, and my inner control freak rises to the surface, wanting to wrest such knowledge from him. Can't go back, I know this well, but suddenly, it's too much, it's too much that he knows so much, too much that I've told him so much, and all because...

...the scared parts want this to be momentary. Because they want no more pain. And I do understand, I do, but understanding doesn't change anything.

Not now. Not after he knows. Not after I've handed him the keys to me, on the small silver plate, offering made to want and curiosity. Not after he's tested my limits, found how and when and where I fall shuddering to the ground, reaching for him, needy, desperate. Not after falling so far, so fast, and still not striking the cold still earth below.

...but I fear. Still, I fear. And I won't say I love him. Too soon, too far, too fast. I can't speak.

So the dance goes on...

(Lyrics are taken from Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing")


Amber_Palowakski said...

*heart flutters* Wow!

emillyorr said...

Well, he's been something of a velvet hammer, so yes, I'd say, precisely.