Wednesday, April 4, 2007

it's so out of line to try and turn back time

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there...


Days like this, of soft reflection, somewhat peace after long trial...I think my brain thinks too much. Today it's remembering my lost vampire princeling, and toting up regrets to burn and ache.

They're softer aches, than they were, a gentler burning, if that makes sense...I am over the dream of what was, but I still remember his face.

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Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh...


Part of it, of course, is ever and always my fault. I built my world around him, my time and energy devoted. As close as I ever came to being faithful to one man only....was with him. The days we spent as we would, in the wider world, but my nights were his.

I was his.

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back...


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It was hard, when he died, unexpected--always, when a vampire is slain, unexpected--but also, shocking. And with it came so many other blows--I had a life with him, I had a home, I had lands I knew and faces I recognized--and all, all blew away like sand over glass, after his death. His clan took back the home we shared and I could not make myself return to the changed landscape.

I went back once, to speak to the leader of his clan, work out something on the house in the hopes he'd be able to return. They're strong mages, that clan of vampires, but...the damage was already done. The house was gone. Strong walls of cold stone they'd thrown up, seemingly overnight, and I stood in the great hall of a dark castle and my heart...shattered.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time...


I went to Sparta, finally, some few days back. I stood among the tapered columns for what felt like hours, just standing, listening to the wind. It held an odd peace, and I can still hear the wind singing through me. Maybe it makes a difference.

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I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you...


But maybe it doesn't. Maybe in the end, I'm simply left with the regrets I try not to treasure, and I must learn to adapt around them. I grow so weary of restructuring, every time I must do it...adapting my head to yet another circumstance I allowed to befall me...and it's long past time to stop.

I just need to find the path that lets me, now.

And it's more than past time to learn to let go...

(lyrics from Christina Aguilera's "Hurt")

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