not a soul on the ice, only me skating fast

night, lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning

spider
spider spider spider
all those legs and lurking in the dark
staring at me

I don't mind the staring
I mind what it's trying to do
I mind what these dreams mean
I mind what they're telling me

but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy

is my subconscious that unaware?
does anyone think I don't know what the risks are?
does anyone think I don't know
just how much I stand to lose?

I step forward
I step--
one step, one step, walking forward

walking on dying embers and glass shards, diamond-bright and splintered
walking on broken bones that turn and twist underfoot
walking, even if I have to walk in ever-widening circles
walking forward

sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong

moving because it's what I have, it's what I fall back on
like breathing, even though I keep forgetting to breathe
late at night I will wake myself with huge inrushes of air
and I know
I've forgotten to inhale again

it's all I can do to hang on

rubble beneath my feet
primed to turn an ankle
skeleton keys and flanges, wood and stone, carved and grown
grains of sand, grains of wheat, grains of hard red rice
sharp hard shattered chunks of craze-cracked green glass
blue and brown frosted pebbles
worn smooth by the endless tumble in a turmoil sea

to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

splashes of color on the uneven ground
as if some great dying beast who bled liquid paint
staggered through

it has been at least two months
since I talked to any of my old friends
it has been longer still since I talked to any old loves, barring one
there are tremors of finality in the air

everything changes
everything falls apart

I have severed ties with the Consulate
I have very nearly severed ties with Caledon
I go back and forth on whether to sell my last remaining parcel
I'm not sure these days what's keeping me there

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered

no social activities, even the ones I wanted to attend
the last two weeks have been barren of so much
I've talked to a few people, but always, always
at a distance

winnowing
through the life I'm leading
deciding what's nourishing
and what's chaff
what I can discard
what I must retain
(at all costs? any cost? on a whim?)

unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer

a change is needed
it's been too long, stuck in place, frozen, shrinking
from the demands of movement

I am going to rebuild the store, in my time away from
building on the last sim in Solace
and refocus my energies on what I told myself
I was going to focus on six months ago

can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

third time charming
or something like that
and we'll see what happens then

(Lyrics taken in small uneven sections from Sarah McLachlan's Stupid.)