Friday, December 28, 2007

feel no shame for what you are

Another one that needs your votes. This one about the new 'beacon-less' transport system. It's bad. It needs to change. Like NOW.

Fall in light, fall in light
Fall in light, fall in light


I reach out to the universe when I dance. I reach out and embrace it, draw it in, make it part of me as I'm always part of it. I reach out, dancing, and beckon those I love to follow.

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(Mysterious birds outside of CreamShop in Koenji.)

Feel no shame for what you are
Feel no shame for what you are
Feel no shame for what you are--


I have lived my life in shadow, always in the hinterland between true dark and true day. I live my life half-lit by half-completed thoughts, half-glimpsed realizations, and I have never minded until now.

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(Snowman terror in Rivula.)

Feel no shame for what you are
Feel no shame for what you are
As you now are in your blood
Fall in light


Now I'm thinking. Now I'm learning, again. Now I'm feeling, again. Such heights, such new depths of pain....I'll get used to it, eventually, but now, everything's new. I haven't been here for some time, you see. Almost as if I've been given new eyes to see the world...and maybe that is true, in a sense.

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(Mysterious huge bunny by a random fire in Callatropia.)

Feel no shame for what you are
Feel no shame for what you are
Feel it as a waterfall
Fall in light


Struggle, always a struggle. But this one's worthwhile, at least. And it's one I may not want to win...because if I win, it will be on my terms, and my terms say--don't let anyone see you. Don't let anyone hurt you. And if they do, don't let them see they have.

Enough of that. A full life of that, and enough. There are other ways to live a life.

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(People dancing at Colonel O'Toole's Rez Day Party. I'd name 'em off, but I didn't know a third of the folks in this picture!)

Fall in light, fall in light, fall in light
Fall in light, fall in light, fall in light
Grow in light


I just need to remember I have the option. Keep the doors of my heart open, and let the world in; or close them, close down, submerge below the shell of earth again, and never another thaw. I'd rather, as frightening as it is at times, as out of control as it feels...stand near my gates, and watch the world without cover.

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(Hotspur draws down on the evil Friendship Bear.)

Stand absolved behind your electric chair, dancing
Stand absolved behind your electric chair, dancing
Past the sound within the sound
Past the voice within the voice


But I falter, of course, I withdraw, I pull back...I think these reactions are natural. This time out, at least, I'm remembering I have friends, who can pull me out again if I get lost. And I'm trying to remember that no one makes me feel anything--it's my choice, I'm not forced to feel, and I can choose not to. They just influence, these outer pressures, these outer pulls and pushes towards and against. Influence is external. What I choose to feel is all me.

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(The Polonaise begins.)

Leave your office
Run past your funeral
Leave your home, car
Leave your pulpit


Today, I stood in Caledon Prime (hee--until it crashed beyond recovery without Linden assistance--go, Bah Humbug Bash!) and danced. I had lovely dance partners and tried to do my best not to be the typical mainland caller host in all caps (I've never been that type of hostess, anyway, so that didn't hurt), but really, by and large? I just had amazing fun with it.

And I think everyone else had amazing fun, even when the sim crashed beyond recovery. (It's since come back up, and the party moved for its last hour to Carntaigh, where we had smaller, but no less amazing, fun.)

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(The Polonaise continues. After it finally broke up, Mr. Hassanov kept in pattern for a good half-hour, and we got to watch him run in circles around the dance floor. Wonderful sight.)

Join us in the streets where we
Join us in the streets where we
Don't belong, don't belong
You and the stars
Throwing light


I will edge out from the gates and say this: being open? Better than being closed to all who might knock on my doors. Being open and seen? Better than being invisible. Being able to be hurt? Still better than not feeling at all.

These are not bad things.

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(Near ShadoWiccan's store, in the hybrid reindeer avatar I cobbled together. I had fun with this look, I'll have to remember it for next winter.)

Ooooooh
Fall, fall
Ooooooh
Fall in light, fall in light. fall in light


And in the meantime, I dance. In the meantime, I celebrate. In the midst of privation I have joy. In the midst of loss I have redemption. My troubles are just that, and they do not have to be all-encompassing, and a burden shared is a burden lessened.

I learned this, long ago, why did I forget? Well, I'll try not to forget again.

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(Taking a moment from the festivities to breathe, in the store in Penzance.)

Oooooh
Fall in light, fall in light fall in light
Grow in light...


In the meantime, I have a life to live. Train-wreck or not. And I mean to live it, because if I'm not living my life...why am I bothering? The life consciously lived...is always, always more of a hassle.

But it's so much more worthwhile.

And that's the point of the game, after all. Or at least, it should be...

(Lyrics from Jeff Buckley's "New Year's Prayer".)

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