Sunday, December 23, 2007

you were watching the whites of your eyes turn red

Well, you didn't wake up this morning,
'cause you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red

Go back. Go back a month. Go back six months. Who were you then?

Me, I was still in Steelhead. I was still in love with the one, and losing the other. And the statue was still the statue.

The applecart had been upset, but for the most part, I was happy, and things were--if not tranquil--at least understandable. To me, if no one else.

The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off
You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days

Maybe that's the problem in a lot of situations. I understand--or think I do--and the rest of the world doesn't. Or understands different things.

I don't always make sense. I know this.

But I try to mesh with the world anyway, and the people in it. Doesn't always work. I don't think I'm a unique snowflake, I think there are a lot of people who think like me, for better or for worse--but there aren't many like me overall.

And overall? That's not the best thing in the long run.

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day--your life will surely change
This is the day--when things fall into place

Six months ago...The princeling's crypt had been destroyed by his blood sister, whom he'd wronged on his return to life. And I lost the place to go when all else failed, and I needed to say things, and no one in my life I could say them to.

I hadn't yet realized, that's what friends are for...I was still insisting on doing everything by myself.

Go back another month. Go back another six months. Who were you then?

The demon's neko son had yet to manifest; the spirit of vengeance that Sekhmet had sent was out in force, though. The demon's daughter was being hounded by the appearance out of shadows, the claw to the shoulder, the lurking presence above, beneath, behind. Always a step behind.

You could've done anything, if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue

But earlier...I lost the demon. The second greatest pain I ever suffered on the grid, and the single one that affected the greatest change to self, to whom I thought I was, in this place. One letter. One goodbye. One chasm between.

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes.
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky.
This is the day--your life will surely change.
This is the day--when things fall into place.

Synchronicity. A little less than one year. From ultimate loss to rising again. A little under the full wheel, from ashes to airborne. Putting the puzzle pieces back together. Reconfiguring who I am. Reassembling from shatter.

Have I spent this year in mourning?

Isn't it time I stopped?

This is the day--your life will surely change...

We've passed the longest night in fellowship, guarding the light from the dark. We have returned flame to the province of day, and must dole out our provender until spring can warm the earth, we can plant again, grow and harvest and put aside for the next season of cold.

And I must not shut down, I must not seal off those entrances into my soul I've flung open. I must not be afraid of the light, and of exposure.

I must accept it will be easier to hurt me. I must accept it will be easier to wound. I must accept that my heart is tender, after so many years wrapped away, set in the dark chamber.

Because without this, it will be less easy to love. To depend on others. To ask for help, and expect it will be received.

It is time to put mourning away. And choose to live the rest of my life unhobbled.'s the harder thing, to live on. But I never was known for taking the easy way out of things.

(Lyrics here are from The The, "This Is the Day". Seen in excellent style in Empire Records [which, if you haven't seen yet, what on earth is stopping you??])


Edward Pearse, Earl of Primbroke said...

You have friends who are there to help you. Sometimes you can ask, other times we'll stick our noses in regardless :-)

Emilly Orr said...


I've noticed this. I am catching on slowly. :)

Seraph Nephilim said...

Quite a few of us. *smiles* And you just used one of my soul songs—Matt Johnson is a god.

For some reason, this is making me think of Dawn in the Buffy musical: "the hardest thing in this world is to live in it." (And I hadn't even realized this was echoing what Buffy said at the end of previous season.) But you're here. And we're here. *smiles again*

Emilly Orr said...

In Joss is truth. (Usually.)

But yes. One more year wheels 'round. Epic changes, unprecedented growth, unexpected pain...and sustaining love, strong friendship. Overall, in spite of everything, I think I'm in a better place, I think eventually I'll be strong again, and in the meantime, I have people I can lean on.

This is not a bad thing. Plus--trusting people. Who knew I'd do that again?