eyes wide shut, unopened

And I cannot speak, I cannot speak, there are no words to say...

...and...that's really where we stand. I'm not even sure there's a reasonable summation. So...I suppose I won't keep you posted?

Eventually.

Or not.

we'd move from the shadows of the wall

Precise cuts. Deliberate wounding. Never arm someone with the weapons to use against you, it's a rule. But I've never been able to function that way.



There was contention. I felt there was an argument to come. And I pushed. Knowing the likely outcome, I pushed. And then...

"Goodbye."



I've never had a rational relationship to that word. I can hear it if I know it means for right now. I can hear it if it's just leavetaking, temporary, no sense of permanence.

I cannot deal with it if I think it relates to an ending. Because it becomes permanence in that moment, for me.



I'm too literal. It's been a fault for a while. But I'd also passed out heavy arms, precision rounds, scattered mines to deploy in my wake. I wasn't the one who armed them. That was never my choice.





Over. It's over. It's over. And I hadn't figured out what it was in the first place...

what is joy in league with sorrow?

Doing some housekeeping, as long as I'm updating the colors and the theme. Absinthe as a post tag is now gone; it's been replaced by a general Winterfell tag if something in the entry just refers to Winterfell Absinthe, or, in the case of the one post mentioning Mere Henriot's Elixir, a new Kickstarter tag. (For it was originally a Kickstarter project when that tea debuted.)

I also discovered I had some spelling errors! So now contemplation as a tag is all spelled correctly, as well as frustration. (Apparently I had one version with two i's. Why?)

Crafts is now gone; I lumped it under crafting. Clothing and cats are now gone, too; there was only one entry each to them, anyway.

Obviously there's more work to be done, and I'll get to it when I have time, but...it's a start.

so it's gonna be forever or it's gonna go down in flames

There are times I love my new job at Sakura, and then there are times like these, when it baffles me beyond all comprehension.

[12:56] Emilly Orr: Greetings again.

I had met this fellow all but once previously, when he ported up to my skybox without my asking and I had to grab a towel quickly and turn the shower off. It was an odd introduction, to be sure.

[13:00] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Sxxx Cxxxxxxx] was talking about you
[13:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you addicted him
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and that he lost sleep thinking about you
[13:02] Emilly Orr: Oh, my.
[13:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really shouldnt do that to men
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I'm honestly surprised I did.

I looked up the name given, and...I honestly have no memory of the man. If he was a client, I'm sure I only saw him once, but...once isn't enough to addict someone, is it?

[13:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: his wife has left him

What? Wait, no, what? How, exactly, am I responsible for this?

[13:05] Emilly Orr blinks
[13:05] Emilly Orr: I had nothing to do with that.
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me that you made him feel so addicted
[13:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he had to confess to his wife
[13:07] Emilly Orr: I'd heard none of this.

Because really, this is going a tad bit far, isn't it?

[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it only happened one hour ago
[13:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she left him
[13:09] Emilly Orr: I can't imagine how I made such a large impression on him.

I really can't. For certain, were it one of my patrons with whom I've invested time, attention, and seen more than simply once...perhaps, perhaps it would be possible to...to...well, entice them easily, let's say. I do not believe I can addict people with just a kiss!

[13:09] Emilly Orr: You're sure it was me?
[13:09] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: certain, he told me the details
[13:10] Emilly Orr mislikes sounding cold, but there's no image on his profile. She isn't placing a face to the name.
[13:10] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh gosh
[13:12] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he showed me the text

Well, that proves it, doesn't it? Save...what text? Obviously, text I haven't seen. How do I defend myself if I don't know what's been said?

[13:12] Emilly Orr: And of a certainty, if he had spoken to me about these feelings, there were things that could be done without him detonating his life.
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you took his soul
[13:13] Emilly Orr: I did not.

I didn't, you take that back! Besides, I only have one soul, and the vampire who gave it to me gave it willingly. I doubt he truly misses it, anyway.

[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel really nervous talking to you now
[13:13] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: after I learned about the effect you had on him
[13:14] Emilly Orr: Because you fear I'm some sort of ...of evil enchantress, or something?
[13:16] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, a Succubus
[13:16] Emilly Orr: Preposterous.

Very preposterous. I mean, I have been called an evil enchantress, but I've never taken that seriously. And succubus?

...Well, there was that one time in Lumindor when the magics in the area turned, and demonic power rose, but...I got over that. And I mostly blame the succubus-seeming on one certain incubus I'd known of old, so...

[13:17] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you make me feel very nervous now
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what you are capable of with men
[13:18] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but he is deeply troubled

Hmm. If he was that deeply troubled, why didn't he talk to me about it? This is too odd.

[13:19] Emilly Orr: This is all very strange. Plus, remember, I did not entice you into my web of entrapping...whatever, you came to me. Literally, poofed over my head whilst I was in the shower!
[13:19] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: that was before I heard his tale of woe
[13:22] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you can't entrance people that way

Wait...so, he was full-on in future seduction mode until he heard about this guy? One story--which may or may not be true--and now I'm anathema. I'm so confused.

[13:22] Emilly Orr: Prove this to me. I would not ask for a complete chat transcript, but something where he mentions me specifically would help.
[13:23] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please dont ask this of me
[13:24] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am already troubled by his plight

I am beginning to suspect this didn't actually happen...

[13:24] Emilly Orr: But how else do I know this is true? There's no picture on his profile. Perhaps if you have a photo of him, that might help?
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you must have a sense of the effect you have on certain types of men
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: this poor guy was married to a boring wife
[13:25] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and you set him on fire with desire

I did? One session? If that's true, mayhap I should charge more. Or require signed consent forms.

[13:26] Emilly Orr: Should I apologize to him?
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I would just leave it be to be honest
[13:27] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I will talk him through things

Of course you will. Because he may not actually exist. (Save for he does have a profile. With no picture. Hmm...)

[13:27] Emilly Orr: Well, this entire thing is so very confusing.
[13:28] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please be careful around vulnerable men
[13:29] Emilly Orr: How on earth am I to know they're vulnerable beforehand??
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know the answer to that

I'd bet not. But I am now wondering about putting up a sign in my studio at Sakura, saying that I am not responsible for any feelings of obsession or addiction that may arise from time spent with me. Would that work?

[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but this guy was truly spellbound by you
[13:31] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was like he was walking around in a trance

Really? One hour with me, and he's a thrall, a husk with no will of his own? Really??

[13:32] Emilly Orr: Well, this is both perplexing and slightly unnerving.
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know what he told me?
[13:32] Emilly Orr: What?
[13:32] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you "took his soul"
[13:33] Emilly Orr: I do not take souls.

I don't. As I said before, I only have the one, and that was given to me. I don't ask for them, I don't remove them, I don't take them, and I certainly don't make men into zombies that cannot function. I mean, what's the point in that?

[13:33] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it was his interpretation of what happened ... all is interpretation you know that
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Of course, but...In all seriousness, if he was that addicted, as you say, why have I never heard of him since?

I mean, if one were a tormented, impassioned soul slaved to my wicked wiles...wouldn't you think he'd at least IM me now and again?

[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: when I met you
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: the first time [13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt your aura, your power
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and it slightly unnerved me
[13:34] Emilly Orr: Unnerved you?

What am I, Anita Blake??

[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:34] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because I knew if I took one step towards you
[13:35] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it would be so difficult to step back
[13:36] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: You are like a Siren

Really? Me? I'm a siren. I'm a mermaid singing sailors to their doom. The power of my...err, presence sucks the soul right out of them? Really, now.

[13:36] Emilly Orr: And yet you are intimates with our Beth. She does not...what is the phrase...seduce your soul?
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I avoid getting too close to her
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: she would [f**k] my mind up if I did

Well, that's certainly blunt. So she's a siren, too?

[13:37] Emilly Orr: Oh, but she's a sweetheart.
[13:37] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:38] Emilly Orr: You laugh because you think I'm wrong, or because you agree?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: She's a devil, a demon in a short denim skirt
[13:39] Emilly Orr: Oh my.
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with buttons up the front
[13:39] Emilly Orr: So she's a succubus as well?
[13:39] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: of course she is, you both are
[13:39] Emilly Orr: But you're more afraid of me.

Should I start wearing a warning label, or something? "Contents may be addictive"? "Warning: Dangerous to men, approach with care"? After all, I used to say openly on my profile that I was dangerous to hearts...

[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I am because you get deep inside the folds

That sounds...filthy.

[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and never allow the man any escape
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you consume him
[13:40] Emilly Orr: Nonsense.

That sounds...implausible.

[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I saw the text from that guy
[13:40] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you really [f**ked] with his mind
[13:40] Emilly Orr: I did not!
[13:41] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know what I saw

I'm sure there's either something he wasn't telling me, or he was spinning this out from whole thread.

[13:42] Emilly Orr: I remember clients I've spent a good amount of time with, I even remember names of some clients from before I was with Sakura. The only ones I tend not to have strong recall of are those who only spent one night with me, a handful of hours, or even less than one hour.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: He has to have been in that latter camp.
[13:42] Emilly Orr: How could one sole hour have ruined him utterly? I disbelieve.

Because if this mysterious, intangible fellow was that easily entranced, then he ought not to have been allowed onto SL without a keeper.

[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I got the sense he spent more time with you, but did not ask him for details
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: right now
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: there is no way I am putting my avatar next to yours
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am scared of you
[13:43] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont mind admitting it

I do not understand why.

[13:44] Emilly Orr: Well, I will say it is a pity, for I will not lie; even after surprising me like that, you were attractive enough for me to sit and talk afterwards.

To be fair, even had he not said he was friends with Beth, he was very pretty...pardon me, I likely should say handsome, but "pretty" fits better.

[13:44] Emilly Orr: I don't usually make a habit of that.
[13:44] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I felt immediately attracted to you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you know that
[13:45] Emilly Orr: I thought that it was mutual.

I did, too.

[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I had a sense of a future destiny with you
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: until I heard all of this

Future...what?? Wait, from 'I'm afraid of you' to 'We have a destiny together'? The hell is with this guy??

[13:45] Emilly Orr: Really?
[13:45] Emilly Orr: Yet...now you're turning away from that, out of...fear?
[13:45] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no
[13:46] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am just going to take time to reflect
[13:46] Emilly Orr: Ah. Well, I was going to ask if you wished to remove me from your friendslist, if you felt so endangered. But if you're reflecting...well, I can offer to pull back a bit more.
[13:46] Emilly Orr: No longer greet you when I see you online, for example.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: will you take complete control of me if I come closer?
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Why would I want to do that?

Why would I want to do that? That sounds utterly dull.

[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: because you are dominant
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Hardly.
[13:47] Emilly Orr: Though I can attempt it, should a patron desire.
[13:47] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, that's what happened to him
[13:48] Emilly Orr: I took control of him?
[13:48] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes

Because...of course, I did. Because that sounds so much like me. Is there another Emilly Orr on the grid of whom I'm unaware?

[13:48] Emilly Orr: You do know how odd this all is, yes? That someone was spinning that out of control over me, and I cannot fully recall him?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have no idea what your response was
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I would like to think, were he that enthralled, I would remember him.

Because that kind of infatuation, usually, I hear from them more than just once, you know?

[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so what will happen to me if I come closer to you?
[13:49] Emilly Orr: I truly don't know. Do you wish to be dominated?
[13:49] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:49] Emilly Orr: Oh.
[13:50] Emilly Orr: Really?

That threw me for a loop, admittedly.

[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: with you yes, with others no
[13:50] Emilly Orr: So, you are not by nature submissive.
[13:50] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I normally dominate

Now that, I fully believe. He didn't strike me, upon first acquaintance, as someone anxious and fearful; he struck me as someone confident, nay, arrogant in all things.

[13:52] Emilly Orr: Which I understand, but...you said you were afraid of me. While fear can spice interactions nicely, true, deep fear is not something conducive to domination of anything.
[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I need to trust you before submitting to you

Don't we all? But that's been a truth, at least for me--I cannot be submissive to anyone, even for pay, that I don't trust at least a little; and the same goes for dominance games. I cannot find it in me to control another's life, or at least body, even temporarily without trust.

[13:52] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: at the moment I feel very nervous
[13:53] Emilly Orr: Well, obviously. Trust is important, even for occasional things.
[13:53] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel that you want to entangle me, and draw me under your spell
[13:54] Emilly Orr: I don't think wanting you in my bed, and tangled in my arms is equivalent to drawing you under a spell.

Are we still talking about the same things?

[13:54] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so you dont wish to bewitch me?
[13:55] Emilly Orr: Do you think I should try?
[13:55] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: you are already trying
[13:56] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I feel you surrounding me with silvery tendrils
[13:56] Emilly Orr: If so, it's nothing I'm doing consciously.

Silvery tendrils? Oh, flashbacks to Lumindor...but even there, I was using that manifestion of demonic energy deliberately. This seems something he's picking up that I have zero control over, and what's more, zero awareness of doing.

[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes, I know it is entirely subconscious on your part
[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: your inner self is reaching for me

It is? It's like I'm trusting all this on faith, or...put another way, being led down a merry path of deception and subterfuge. Mayhap it's both.

[13:57] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: its a plane of immanence
[13:58] Emilly Orr: What happens if I do ensnare you?
[13:58] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know, it really scares me

Why does something I can't even do terrify him so? I still don't understand.

[13:59] Emilly Orr: But surely, you're a dominant enough personality to avoid such untried attempts?
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I guess I become owned by you
[13:59] Emilly Orr: Owned by...well, there's a rather stunning thought.

I mean, look. I'm much happier being spanked than doing the spanking, but given the right motivation, it can be quite enticing to dole out punishments and rewards to a partner instead. So it's not the worst scenario to own someone--in the general sense--rather than be owned.

That having been said, I still don't understand why he's so afraid of something I'm not even sure I can do, let alone do willingly. And to own him utterly, just from having him as a patron? I have my doubts.

[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am dominant and strong, but not sure if I can resist you
[13:59] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he was strong before he met you
[14:00] Emilly Orr: I am not a force to cripple unwary men. Truly, I'm not.
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I know you dont intend to do it deliberately
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Well, I shall attempt to...restrain myself.
[14:01] Emilly Orr: Why ever not?
[14:01] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I think you will desire, truly desire to consume me
[14:02] Emilly Orr: I...well...that's not entirely untrue, but...only parts of you you will not miss?

*Ahem*. So to speak.

[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what happens if I become totally addicted to you
[14:02] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that weakness of my part
[14:03] Emilly Orr: I...don't know. Before this conversation, I wouldn't have thought it was possible. I am not a drug.
[14:03] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well, it seems you are in fact

Definitely need to work on a warning label.

[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you wear black lingerie to seduce men
[14:04] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is that true?
[14:04] Emilly Orr: I do own black lingerie, but I own more in other shades.

Now I know this fellow's pulling my leg. No man would tell another man that.

[14:05] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so if a man develops an appetite for you in lingerie you deliberately enhance the effect?
[14:05] Emilly Orr: No, not at all. I simply like lingerie.
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have a huge fetish for ladies in lingerie
[14:06] Emilly Orr: Do you, now?
[14:06] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: especially nylon or silk stockings

It's all beginning to make sense...I think. This is his idea of flirting, or...something? But if that's so, who's the fellow in question who was so obsessed with me? Was he just a random name pulled out of a virtual hat?

[14:06] Emilly Orr has a few sets that would suit, yes.
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: he told me you kept him permanently erect
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I did?
[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[14:07] Emilly Orr: How would I do that?

Seriously. That's not even possible. Is that even possible? That's not possible.

[14:07] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I dont know
[14:07] Emilly Orr: I don't, either.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: few women can do that to a man
[14:08] Emilly Orr: Indeed. It sounds like a...sizeable task.
[14:08] rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: unsurmountable in most cases

We'll fade to black at that point, even though little else happened; but this was the part of the conversation that mystifies me. I still don't know if I should contact the fellow mentioned, or leave him alone entirely; I also don't know if he's just an alt of this first fellow.

Men baffle me greatly on occasion.

is there a chance you may change your mind? or are we ashes and wine?

"The writing drought is over, at least for now."

Or, at least, until life went boom again, both on and offworld, my aetheric engine's main drive died, one of my RL partners had elbow surgery, and various other things went wrong or sideways.

And then...something else happened.

Hagalaz, the coming storm. Hagalaz represents the hailstorm, damaging, brutal force, but force that sweeps away what must be destroyed in order to bring fertility and life to new things. It will bring life, it will be a boon to creativity and growth, but it will do so through sudden, inevitable, unavoidable devastation.

This particular ring is through Silver Alchemy Jewelry, and retails for $57.55, exclusive of shipping.

I'm not going to go into that right now. I'm still not sure if I have the words to say what went wrong, and why. But I'm now dealing with the aftermath, a bare handful of days later. I'm picking up from there.

[00:48] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, if you want, you could come over here. I will promise to be a good boy.

There's heavier anonymity on this one than others, even though those who know me and the person in question will know to whom this refers.

[00:51] Emilly Orr: I'm...not sure.

Because so much went wrong, so fast, and I'm still unsettled, disturbed, uneasy in all communications.

[00:51] XXXXXXXXXX: It's okay. I leave it up to you, but I'd like the company.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: I know. And I know you have good intentions, now.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, I know, monster.
[00:52] XXXXXXXXXX: But I will do my best.
[00:52] Emilly Orr: Not monster.

Eihwaz is the yew tree, the spiritual center force. In a strong sense, it represents spiritual support, but it is natural support--the support of the tree's strength, the wind's power, the urge to grow and develop. It is not a rune to invoke lightly--it will protect and defend, but it will not discriminate between self and other, enemy and friend.

This particular piece of art came from Znachenie site, but I don't know if the art is original with them.

There's an unfortunate tendency with this person to polarize everything. It's not just okay or not okay; it's pure good or pure evil. Women don't have issues with him; they apparently hate him utterly, or are repulsed or disgusted by him. He doesn't make mistakes; instead, he's evil and a monster who causes nothing but devastating harm.

This is not the best way to live, but it's not my mind. I thought I was a black and white thinker, but he's proven to me that my world is a shifting, multi-hued monochromatic palette of opportunities and subtle inflections.

[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: I will try not to be, at least.
[00:54] XXXXXXXXXX: Anyway, up to you.
[00:56] Emilly Orr thinks, then shrugs.
[00:57] Emilly Orr: Okay. Let's try a port.

At this point, he offered a port. I took it. My shoulders were tense, I was fighting to keep my breathing even. It wasn't easy.

After some initial conversation, we settled into single seats on a lounge.

Uruz represents strength and power, but without subtlety. This is male energy, determined to get what it wants, at any cost. Uruz is the bull, the aurochs, capable of quiet strength as well as rampaging, destructive power.

This particular pendant is sold through Wulflund Jewelry, for $12.13 exclusive of shipping.

[01:05] XXXXXXXXXX leans over and puts his head against your shoulder.
[01:08] XXXXXXXXXX: I still feel a little weird overall.
[01:09] Emilly Orr: You've taken a few upsets, it's understandable.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over and very gently touches your hair.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: Yeah, but all I can do is try to keep going.
[01:09] XXXXXXXXXX: And try to work on my disguise.
[01:10] Emilly Orr: Or behavior.
[01:10] XXXXXXXXXX pulls his hand back.
[01:10] Emilly Orr shakes her head, smiling gently.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I didn't mean for those two to be connected.

Even so, I tensed again when he touched my hair.

[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX: Oh. Okay.
[01:11] XXXXXXXXXX is trying to be careful.
[01:11] Emilly Orr: I know.

This is when pauses, at least on my side, started to get long, because...I was trying to figure out how to word things, without sounding like a complete coward, but also without sounding like everything was just fine now, and we were perfect. Because we're far, far from perfect at this point.

[01:13] XXXXXXXXXX: I like being near you.
[01:13] Emilly Orr smiles
[01:17] XXXXXXXXXX: I like your hair like that, but I like your hair down, too.
[01:18] Emilly Orr: I could change it, if you like.
[01:18] XXXXXXXXXX: I wouldn't mind, but I want you to be comfortable.

I found some hair that was, more or less, the color I'd been wearing before, just not in spiraled curls pinned into a low bun, but a drape of hair over one shoulder.

[01:22] XXXXXXXXXX: I know I've taken your hair down before.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX reaches over, gently, and slides his fingers into your hair.
[01:23] Emilly Orr shivers.
[01:23] Emilly Orr: You have.
[01:23] XXXXXXXXXX: I like making you shiver. As long as it's a good shiver.
[01:28] XXXXXXXXXX watches your face.
[01:28] Emilly Orr was deciding if it was a good shiver or not.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: What did you come up with?
[01:29] Emilly Orr thinks it was, but she still feels...easily startled.

Thursa, Thurisaz, the Thorn. This is the needle that sticks, the claw that slices, to release chaos, destruction, and fearful pain. This is one of the strongest protection runes, but any shield with Thursa in its center will, like Hagalaz, strike both the user and the enemy. Unlike Hagalaz' storm, which passes, Thursa strikes until there is nothing and no one left to strike against. If the querent pulls this rune, they need to face their most primal fears, or abandon what gives them safety and strike out on unknown paths.

This is a talisman made by Menglod, made of black reindeer leather and lacing, with an added magpie feather. It retails for $36.97, exclusive of shipping.

I still do. I'd given him the analogy in an earlier conversation, of thinking about coaxing a wild animal out of the woods, to feed out of his hand. How one has to be careful, how movements too rushed, or too large, can startle the animal away. He said then, he understood. Even now, I don't think he does.

[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX: I understand.
[01:29] XXXXXXXXXX puts a finger under your chin and tilts your face up towards him.
[01:30] Emilly Orr watches you, but doesn't resist.

What? No. What? Wait. Why am I not resisting? I'm not thinking I'm ready for...

[01:31] XXXXXXXXXX pauses, and brushes his lips very gently against yours, then pulls back.
[01:32] Emilly Orr shivers again, leaning in taking a bit to realize you've pulled back, and inhales slowly.

...okay, that wasn't terrible, I guess. Still a bit too close...

[01:32] XXXXXXXXXX cups your cheek with his hand, watching your eyes, not moving any more.
[01:33] Emilly Orr: What do you want, [XXXXXXXXXX]?
[01:33] XXXXXXXXXX: Right now? I want to kiss you.
[01:34] Emilly Orr breathes, then nods slowly.

So, there was kissing, which I wasn't entirely sure I wanted. I'm not including it because I'm writing this pretty much off-the-cuff, trying to figure things out.

[01:39] XXXXXXXXXX pulls back after a few more moments, looking at your face, his arm curling gently around your waist.
[01:41] Emilly Orr leans in against you, tenses a bit, breathes through it, and relaxes again.
[01:41] XXXXXXXXXX frowns a little, and pulls back.
[01:42] Emilly Orr tilts her head, watching you.
[01:42] XXXXXXXXXX: Too much?

Hell, yes. FAR too much. Ask me again in a few more days. Ask me again in a week. Ask me again in a friggin' month, now is too soon, so yes. Too much. TOO MUCH.

But:

[01:43] Emilly Orr: Conflicting impulses.

was what I said. Cue aggrieved sigh at self.

Nauthiz represents emergency, crisis, immediate problems that need to be addressed. Crisis situations can pull our focus tight, can make us capable to climb mountains, organize search parties, fight back and win...or they can trigger past experiences, and cripple us, until we refocus our intentions and choose to move forward.

Force and pressure are contained in Nauthiz. Force can break us, or it can make us stronger. But Nauthiz is the rune of pressure points, pulling out where we are weak to teach us how to be strong.

This version of the rune is made out of oxidized copper, and is sold by The Witches' Mark for $45.00 exclusive of shipping.

[01:43] XXXXXXXXXX takes your hand. "Tell me about them?"
[01:44] Emilly Orr holds your hand. "I know, if I say no, and you don't accept it, I'll just log off. No discussion, at least not for tonight. And I know you didn't bring me here for sex, or...at least, I don't think you did."
[01:44] XXXXXXXXXX: Say no to what?
[01:45] Emilly Orr looks up, meets your eyes. "But...part of me wants to fall back into pattern. Climb into your lap and...And I don't know if that's a good impulse, or a bad one."
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Hmm?
[01:45] Emilly Orr: Well, anything, really. I mean, not 'want to go outside', or something trivial, I mean, if you pull me into a sexual pose, and I say no, and you don't stop.
[01:46] XXXXXXXXXX looks straight into your eyes. "I won't lie. I'd love to be inside you, right now.. But no, it's not why I brought you here."
[01:47] Emilly Orr nods. She knows. She felt it in the kiss.
[01:48] XXXXXXXXXX: I sure as hell hope you did, or I'm doing it wrong.
[01:48] Emilly Orr smiles.

His problem is, again, polarized thinking. He's either terrifyingly insecure, or massively arrogant. I could have dealt easier with insecurity.

[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I brought you here for us to sit together and try to work on building a little comfort back.
[01:49] XXXXXXXXXX: I won't pull you into a sex pose. Is a cuddle okay, though?
[01:49] Emilly Orr thinks about it, then nods.
[01:50] Emilly Orr rests against you.
[01:50] XXXXXXXXXX leans in and kisses you again, slowly and warmly.
[01:51] Emilly Orr cups your cheek, kissing you, softer brush of her lips to yours.

Falling into old patterns. Falling into old patterns while feeling this startled, this unsettled. It wasn't good.

It was also approaching two AM, though. While I had been going to bed at three, I've been trying to adjust to sleeping at two, because of the new schedule the others in my RL life want to keep. I explained this carefully.

[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Aha.
[02:01] XXXXXXXXXX: Well, I'd like it if you'd stay a while longer, but I napped and you probably didn't.
[02:02] Emilly Orr: Not a lot, no. And today saw us rising at nine.
[02:02] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay. Do you need to go, then?
[02:04] Emilly Orr thinks a bit, and then nods.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: Probably.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: Okay.
[02:04] Emilly Orr: But I didn't have to run.
[02:04] XXXXXXXXXX: That's progress?
[02:06] Emilly Orr: I think so.

I still think so. Because I was prepared to run. I was expecting to have to run. Hells, I expected I'd have to just hit "log off" and hope I remembered on the morrow to log back in in my home base, not his cabin.

[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX: Good, then.
[02:06] XXXXXXXXXX will let you go, but first:
[02:07] XXXXXXXXXX slides his fingers into your hair and kisses you again, but this time he does it as hard as he's wanted to all night long, his mouth pressing strongly against your own.

NO BAD BAD THING NO NO NO STOP STOP NOW--

But, as usual:

[02:08] Emilly Orr tenses on your lap, but kisses you, tongue licking the roof of your mouth, backs of her fingers drawing along the side of your neck.
[02:08] XXXXXXXXXX: Mmmmm. That's a nice way to end the night.

Not if he knew what I'd been thinking. Tensing, but then relaxing, because it's easier to move away with a relaxed body; and pulling the backs of my fingers along his neck, because I know how easy it is for me to change into cat claws and tear his throat out.

All of which brings me back to no, no, it wasn't a nice way to end the night. But, now, since I didn't say much of this aloud, he's going to think he's done well towards fixing things, and it's just a matter of time before everything goes back to the way it was.

And for my part, I'm now thinking perhaps I need to take a week away from SL, because if I'm not at the keys, then I can't respond to what he has to say.

Conflicting impulses? We're now past that. I think we're now in conflicting realities.

go make some new disaster

Several months ago...

Yeah. It's been a while. I got to the point where I realized that the longer I put it off, the longer it would be before I said anything. So...I made plans to write an entry, even if it was a short fluff piece.

And...a week later, I realized I still hadn't written that short entry, so I spent part of last night, and part of today, off and on, changing things a bit. I'm still not sold on how big most of the charity link banners are now, and the colors still seem somewhat...off...but for now, it's enough. I can stop here and work on writing later and we'll see where we are when that happens.

And...that's about it for now. Cheers, I guess. The writing drought is over, at least for now.

eyes blindfolded, gathering pieces

I dropped out of blogging again. I am bad.

So we'll just make this march and get one out and I can work on things with more actual content later!

There's a plus-size superhero now; her name is Faith, and her superhero name is Zephyr. Amusingly, she can make herself lighter than air, and can fly. Well, why not?

Seanan McGuire learned that to write disturbing things, you have to learn disturbing things...and for writers, that's okay, that fuels the process.

And wau, the military is really specific on their brownie recipes.

More later!

heed my warning and steer well clear

Today's troubles actually started earlier in the week, when there were two very early mornings of "unplanned maintenance". But today, it's apparently been worse:

[13:37] xxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i just relogged and nothing
[13:38] xxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: grrr
[13:38] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Yeah, the asset server has been munged all day.
[13:38] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yep, and they just posted that they completed the unscheduled maintenance - riiiggght
[13:39] Axxxxx Rxxxxxxx: From another group: [13:36] [cxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx]: I just contacted live chat support and they basically told me they had sent the all clear message too soon and the case has not been solved - they're going to update the status blog
[13:39] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is it working any better now? I just logged back on and I'm hoping it's all better by now.
[13:39] mxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: iam fixed tho
[13:39] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Eeenope.
[13:39] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not really
[13:39] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: awe pewp
[13:39] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: my face is grey, mesh body won't attach....
[13:39] mxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and i can wear and unwear anything from my inventory
[13:39] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so same old pewp then lol
[13:39] Dxxxx Vxxxxxxxxx: i will say things are "better"
[13:40] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: it's worse for me than it was a few minutes ago...lol
[13:40] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh well...all things considered...lol
[13:40] xxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: grrr
[13:41] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I must say, I make a lovely gray Faun hehe
[13:41] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so something got major borked....that's for sure.
[13:41] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: At least my clothes and body parts loaded properly.
[13:41] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: grins
[13:41] Axxxxx Axxxxx: well I can rez and delete things again but my missing inv did not come back
[13:41] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so why did they say it was "completed"????
[13:41] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Ack, missing inventory is bad.
[13:42] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [RESOLVED 1:15 PM PST, 10 January 2016] The unscheduled Maintenance has been completed.
[13:42] Vxxxxxxx Vxxxxxxx: Nope.
[13:42] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :P
[13:42] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: well they are still working on it hopefully....
[13:42] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lies
[13:43] jxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: or maybe just wishful thinking....lol
[13:43] pxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yeah could be that too

And fron another group:

[13:35] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: well its completed but i look worse
[13:35] Axxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yes, but my inv hasn't read the news yet.
[13:35] Vxxxxx Cxxxxxxxxxx: Likely story...lol
[13:35] Txxxx Jxxxxx: don't you believe it.
[13:35] Axxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: I'm not having issues with this chat, but with others, yeah >_<
[13:35] Vxxxxx Cxxxxxxxxxx: Now for the regularly programed if it works... break it.
[13:36] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is anyone out there still having issues?
[13:36] Sxxxxx Fxxxxxxx: Me.
[13:36] mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: we all are
[13:36] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: yes [mxxx]... me
[13:37] sxxxxx Axx: me
[13:37] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Axxx: me to
[13:37] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh ok
[13:37] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ty
[13:37] mxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes
[13:37] Lxxxxxxxxx Sxxxxxx: things went ok for about 15 minutes and then boom....issues again
[13:37] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:37] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: getting there .. I am scared to log
[13:37] Sxxxxx Fxxxxxxx: Trying to unpack something and getting error message "Cannot create requested inventory"
[13:37] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: see lol
[13:38] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Axxx: i came in naked -.-
[13:38] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: omg..and I fought all night with new mesh body .it aint ME ...phew
[13:38] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yes still issues... and a women in another group said she called LL and they said they posted that 'resolved' notice too soon and will be reposting. So I'm just relaying the message...don't shoot the messenger. :D
[13:38] Axxxxx Vxxxxxxxx: yes, this isn't resolved so do not rezz stuff
[13:38] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: can we see?? [txxxx]
[13:38] Axxxxx Vxxxxxxxx: but chat is working better now for me
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no rezzing, purchase moving ..just hold...... grrrr
[13:39] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: my body is back but my face still grey
[13:39] nxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Axxx: hahahaha i am to embarrased Jo :(
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Mxxx]...edit shape..just click..you will rezz right in
[13:39] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: awwww its alright .... im all grey ... LOL
[13:39] zxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yep for me too
[13:39] axxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: just click ..worked for me
[13:39] sxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I haven't relogged. Thinking that might be required? still getting inventory errors.
[13:39] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: i missed ruth
[13:39] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: SL ppl said too
[13:39] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: just stay quiet, dont move, dont rez anything, be happy with just having logged in :)
[13:40] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: hi5 [Rxxxx]
[13:40] Vxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: in some site, they say that they will send a new advice in a few... "problems not solved..."
[13:40] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: actually i look like ruth....
[13:40] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Rxxxx].... lol Yea! What you said! And barely breathe too!
[13:40] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :D
[13:40] Vxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: so i log off and I fly to bed
[13:40] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol [lxxxx]
[13:40] Axxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: you can chat, you can still slap boards, be happy LL is saving your lindens for tomorrow
[13:40] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: nini
[13:40] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :d
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yes [Axx]...
[13:41] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: slap boards without clothes???
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ni nite!
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yea go for it Jo! Run free!
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:41] Kxxxxxx Nxxxxxx: lol
[13:41] ixxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: cant slap boards..moving is rough
[13:41] Kxxxxxx Nxxxxxx: or full body alpha it :)
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and they called her the STREAK
[13:41] sxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: everyone's a big orange cloud anyway! We probably won't see your private bits!
[13:41] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: OOPS ...song hit me
[13:41] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: is it? I haven't moved at all... still fetching my inventory. lol
[13:41] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i am in protected land, i recovered my shape, skin and all things i usually wear. plus i dressed :)
[13:41] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: LOL
[13:42] cxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: yay they have fixed it :D im all back to normals i just logged back in
[13:42] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: hahaha... yea they won't notice if you shaved or not either!
[13:42] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: is it laggy over there?? renan
[13:42] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: :D
[13:42] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i was ok ..i made sure when i went to bed i was home and dressed in case
[13:42] Axxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: it's not fixed [Cxxxx] lol
[13:42] cxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: RESOLVED 1:15 PM PST, 10 January 2016] The unscheduled Maintenance has been completed.
[13:42] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: only if the physic layer still works
[13:42] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: not at all
[13:42] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: search for SARA
[13:42] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: and go
[13:43] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: im still grey
[13:43] Jxxxxxx Rxxx: ok
[13:43] rxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: in places i mean, it is only water
[13:43] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Cxxxx]... they said they shouldn't have posted that and will be posting again but things aren't resolved. :( But it's ok. Run around naked and be free!
[13:43] cxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: ive logged back in and everyone is unclouded , and i has my hair and feets back lol
[13:43] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh yay! well maybe you got lucky :)
[13:44] wxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh .... inhales...gonna try it..

Yep. Things are dicey out there, folks. Be careful.

sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

What?

All I was doing was trying to log into SL.

So I went off to check the SL grid status. Apparently, the announcement went up a bit before one AM:

[Posted 12:51 AM PST, 09 January 2016]

We are performing unscheduled maintenance. While the maintenance is in progress, some residents may experience login issues and residents in-world may be logged off or experience degraded performance. Please check back here for updates.

Okay! So, the unplanned maintenance was really unplanned. Wonder what went wrong?

and I'll burn my mind on this nothing

And this is how we heard:

[17:07] Cayenne Republic: store is gone
[17:07] Cayenne Republic: clubhaus is gone, find a sandbox
[17:07] Veruca Monday: :-(
[17:07] Lulubelle Muircastle: MOCK is gone?
[17:07] Emilly Orr: Oh, no.
[17:07] Emilly Orr checks the marketplace
[17:07] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): :((
[17:07] Ξ Ѡ λ η η λ Ξ (wannabeekiwi.bluebird): ohh nooo
[17:07] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): that's so not like her to not message. I hope she's ok.
[17:08] Ruina Kessel: :(
[17:08] Ξ Ѡ λ η η λ Ξ (wannabeekiwi.bluebird): :(
[17:08] Emilly Orr: Yes, still there, on the marketplace
[17:08] Emilly Orr: I hope she's okay too
[17:08] Cayenne Republic: she's fine
[17:08] Cayenne Republic: she's just busy with RL
[17:09] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): I used to have her youtube link, but I can't find it now. Maybe someone can message her there?
[17:09] Ruina Kessel: Are you in contact Cayenne?
[17:09] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): oh ok, that's great to hear!!
[17:09] Cayenne Republic: https://www.facebook.com/mockmadeup/
[17:09] Cayenne Republic: http://mockmadeup.blogspot.com/
[17:09] Ruina Kessel: ty!
[17:09] Cayenne Republic: yw :)
[17:09] ĐJ Ɓrєє Rαуηє (breezimarie): thanks for that Cayenne, just hit Like :)
[17:10] Emilly Orr: So, she's not coming back as an SL store?
[17:12] Cayenne Republic: I'd say no, since she's removed the shop from her FB page and there's no mention of second life; and the shop is gone and the space for rent ... but you can surely send her a FB message and ask lol
[17:13] Emilly Orr: Not on FB, I'll leave that to those who are, but I do wish her well.

Now, I'm still able to find her in search, so she hasn't completely deleted her avatar, but...I'm thinking, at least for now, she's done with SL. I've deleted my longstanding pick for [MOCK] Cosmetics, because it leads to land for rent now, but...I'm not sure what to do with the group. I like the people, there's some genuine good and caring hearts in there, but...if Mock's not coming back, what's the point of the group without her?

And for this one, I left the names in, because....well, just because. Still kind of tilted over the fact that Mock didn't even leave us a message before killing her store. I don't...I don't understand that.

[Update from the Editrix, 7 Jan: this notice was sent out whilst I was away from the keys.

Hello! Just an FYI that the main store is currently under re-construction. We will be working over the next few days to get everything back in place.

Thank you all for your support and Happy New Year!

Did she just...expect no one would notice the store being missing and the sim up for sale? But okay, seems like she's moving to a new sim, and she'll let us know when things are back up? So...yay?]

what is beauty compared to grief?

Wayne Rogers has passed away December 31st, due to complications from pneumonia, at the age of 82. While many of us remember him from his work on the initial seasons of M.A.S.H. and as a character actor on other shows, he was also quite successful as a money manager and investment consultant.

We also lost Natalie Cole on the same day, and Meadowlark Lemon died on the 28th.

There are more, but ooof. Not up to scanning the obits right now.

In better news, I have new things up at :[Oak & Elm]:! So far, just four William Etty nudes, but there will me more to come! Yay!