a lot of hope in a one man tent

The Rezzies are up and await your votes, if you care about that sort of thing. I'm finding more interest as time goes on in award events, because if nothing else, it introduces me to new names on the grid for me to peruse.



Next up: the "modest, but scary" haunt located in Shrikhande. You'll have to port up from ground level, but after that, you're in the haunt itself.)



The trees are really bad. There was no shooting angle I could find that made them look like anything other than the stacked prim constructions they are.



Some evil cultists to round out the haunted vibe...



...some floating candles, the odd skull, the creepy Tall Man from Phantasm to threaten guests...



...and some horror movies playing inside the house. Just don't get too scared, or...



...you might lose your head!

All in all, there's nothing we haven't seen before, but for what it is, it's neatly done. I found the upstairs trite, but I'm not saying everyone would. This isn't for anyone looking for genuine scares, it's more for the haunt completionists in the crowd, and if you've been missing all those vintage 2010 decorations from GRIMWORX, et cet, you'll see them here. Which is fun in and of itself.

for you, for you, I would walk forever through this barren land

I'm still not sure why, and I haven't heard anything from the group owners since, but apparently, there will be no Octoberville this year. I'm very sad about this. I hope the owners manage to bring it back next year, because last year the experience was such a joy. I wish them all the best.

But on to the next haunt, which is--appropriately enough--called "The Haunted". The intro screen said:

IF YOU LOVE TO BE SCARED COME TO Haunted! Haunted has 2 sims full of spooks and scares, we have an Apocalyptic city, where Zombies are king. There is a lot to do here if the Zombies let you!

Hmm. I do not like running from zombies. I do not like zombies killing me and teleporting me back home. But...I told myself I would at least look it over, because the haunt I remember from last year with the same name was vastly different.

[16:23] Professional Gadget: Welcome to Haunted you must join group to shoot zombies

Then...good? I can't shoot them, they can't eat me?



There's something wrong with this picture...



That's better. Haunts play truer to form with the right atmosphere.



With trepidation, I chose the Carnival to wander through first.



This place has definitely seen better days. But for some reason, there's still power, even though all the rides are gone. That's rather disturbing. Why is the power still on?



I found a Spook House ride, and decided to risk it. I'm very glad I did. It's old-school, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work. It's not a big jump-scare ride, it's more something you'd find in an old-fashioned amusement park, say, circa 1962.



Or mayhap a ride in a Rob Zombie horror film, before the horror really gets going.



Next to the Spook House is a roller-coaster called "Flight of the Vampire". Do check it out if you have the time. Again, it seems to be all old-school prims, no mesh, but the rails are overhead, not underneath, so if you ride it in mouselook it's very much like you're actually on a roller coaster, swooping and turning and occasionally flipping upside down. To add to the charm, the seats are coffins, with shining crosses as the bars holding them to the rails.

The rest of the sim seems to be zombie territory. Now I proceed carefully...



...but not carefully enough. The dogs were bad enough, but undead bunnies? That was unexpected.

And then a house fell apart around me. Right, that's it, I'm done.

If you like old-time carnival rides, half this sim will be your joy. If you want to join the Haunted group, and grab a shotcgun and go hunt the undead, the other half will make you happy. Me, I found a few rides I liked, so it wasn't a waste of my time.

Some days, that's enough.

you and me, another purgatory

Several of us are very excited for Project Bento to arrive on the grid, and Damien Fate is already working on wings. Good to see. I can't wait to see what the rest of the grid's going to show off once it arrives.

The first haunt of the year, chosen mainly at random, is Corpsewood Haunted House. It is on Adult land, but does that mean the contents are also Adult? Not sure yet.


This is at the landing point, and it reminds me very much of H.R. Giger's work. The blood filling the fountain base is somewhat trite, but acceptable considering the detail of the sculpture.



Well, now. I...don't necessarily want to bother her...I'm almost small enough to be considered prey!



As I walked up to this dessicated gentleman, I found a note:

Hello and welcome to Miasma, home of Corpsewood Haunted House. First, the main house is just the tip of the iceberg: there are six more places for you to visit on the sim. While you’re in the house, click the board on the right side of the foyer and search for clues about the house for a chance to win a prize at the end of the game. If you don’t play, you’re going to miss what the house is about. Make sure you sit in seats, go up to things and click or just wait—there’s so much to see in the house! It’s interactive and you should experience all the house has to offer!

Oh, my. Six more places? This could be fun.



Some of the legend reveals itself...



"Hand" cuffs. Oh, I get it. Clever.



Some doors, one really should not open. This one is an excellent example--turned the knob, and semi-insubstantial red-boned phantoms on fire flew threw me. Bad door. Bad, bad door.

[14:34] Haunting Monk: Oh the horrors that took place in this house.... Leave before you get trapped like the rest of us...

This place is huge, sprawling, and while I recognize the build they're using, some of the effects are pretty fun. If you don't care for spiders, this place will creep you seriously from the front door on; and I think the Adult rating is for some of the nude statuary as well as for some RLV traps. (Though I'm not as sure about that last, I don't run RLV; I just noticed items that ended in 'trap', so think it may be likely.) All in all, it's worth a wander; I think the overused items are far less present than the original ideas in play.

let us die young or let us live forever

Apparently the Grolier Codex's authenticity has finally been confirmed. After fifty years of dismissing its authenticity, it has now been positively dated as being from the era, which gives us now four (instead of, as previously believed, three) books that survived the Maya civilization's destruction.



On to other things. I danced for a bit last night at the Vortex Club, and it is quite the fascinating place. Don't attend unless you can handle a large amount of scripted effects--nearly everything spins, glows, flashes, moves, twists, or is otherwise scripted in some fashion. There is a great deal of bright color, too, so if you're not the brightly colorful sort, well...



The music was trance, most of it original electronic mixes, and for a bit was even the top trending stream on Shoutcast while I was there.



All due to the DJ, DJDeanT, who works spinning tunes RL as well as SL. He introduced me to a new term while I was there, "kidult", which is a concept I can get behind, for all that most of my interests are most definitely adult.



[15:26] Gemini Enfield: I love torrential rain in a strange town

Well, to be fair, I do too. Mr. Enfield, by the way, owns the Vortex, and his regular patrons seem to adore him.

So, apparently, Loki Eliot built the club, which makes it child-friendly territory--the sim, Whippersnapper, is rated General--but for music this good, who really minds? I may come next week in one of the Iron Tinies.

Though I should warn you--they do have active 'child protection' defenses in place, in the place of Dave the Swear Pig. One must pay the Swear Pig ten Lindens if one swears, and one of the words--I am dead serious about this--is "camp". So mind your language whilst there.



DJDeanT plays there every Saturday, at least two to four pm, SLT.



Plus they have a StarGate! How awesome is that?

I turned on my TV and somebody blew up

I found topiary hair at SWANK:



Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying this is bad hair. It looks good, the texturing is very nice, I have no complaints about that. While I'd never wear it off a runway as a model for some avant-garde designer, I can see uses for it (mostly, as said fashion model, or for certain photographs that need that couture air). I'm just saying it stood out. Standard template dress, standard template dress, bulky 'statement' necklace, standard template jeans, standard template dress...TOPIARY HAIR. You know?

And there's a new rail map for all of Caledon's rail lines. You're welcome.

Next up, a slice of conversation from a creators' collective. For once, I'm only partially anonymizing the chat capture, and here's why: I'm choosing to leave the creator's name in, which will identify the group. I'm anonymizing all other names, but doing that means it's going to be obvious this is from Meli Imako's user group, so I'm not trying to hide that fact. For everything else, my usual X's apply.

It all started here:

[12:02] Jxxxxx Sxxxx: Do anyone have 10 lindens to give me Please !? OMG , i'm Desperate !! my rent will expíre in 1 hour and i had to Break up with my EX and had to pay those 10l to remove a partner on profile ... and now i need it back some How , is it possible to anyone to Help me ? ( i'm sorry for asking)

Now, we've seen hundreds of these messages, nearly all concerning a desperate need to pay rent, over the past few months. It's the big new scam, which some people are still falling for, for some reason. This one, though, is slightly different because it's not asking for the standard sum of L$1250 for rent. This one's more nebulous as to exactly how much is supposedly 'needed'.

[12:02] Rxxx Sxxxxxxxx: oh yay more spam
[12:02] txxxxx Rxxxxxxx: oh! that's new!
[12:02] Axxx Pxxxxxxxx: maan that's a good one
[12:03] Txxxxxx Axxxxx: i can smell the sarcasm in that message

Well, it wasn't so much sarcasm, as simple contempt, but hey, the two conditions have been frequently conflated.

[12:03] Cxxxxx Cxxxxxx: OMG Get a freaking job or live in a sandbox
[12:03] Sxxx Fxxxxxxxx: You dont have a partner [Jxxxxx] lol
[12:03] jxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: lol
[12:03] Lxxxxxxxxx Cxxxxx: if you loose your home for 10L then your landlord are nothing but greedy
[12:03] Axxxxxxx Sxxxxxxxx: certainly different
[12:03] txxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: wow this is new....
[12:03] Exxx Cxxxxxxx: Hardly seems worth it for 10L.....you need a new business plan.

Or the estate owner does. Who rents a place for L$10 on the grid? That would have to be a matchbox. An unfurnished matchbox, at that.

[12:03] Lxxxxxx Zxxxx: lol...
[12:03] Cxxxxx Cxxxxxx: lol
[12:03] Pxxxx Gxxxxx: hahahahha
[12:03] gxxxxxxx Fxxxxxxxxx: please do not beg, u could have waited to remove your partner at a later time if u r about to loose your sim

Wait, he didn't mention being in danger of losing his entire sim for said L$10, so where did that idea come from?

[12:03] jxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: as i know 60 L ....to divorce lol

When did it become L$30 to unpartner??

[12:03] Txxxxxx Axxxxx: hands him a tissue for his issue
[12:03] Rxxx Sxxxxxxxx: besides, it's 25L$ to unpartner someone

It's gone up, then.

[12:03] Sxxxxxx Hxxxxxxx: unpartneren cost 25OL , just saying.... so I guess you're still partnered!!!! [12:03] Mxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxxx: o.O

Wait...now I know there's inaccurate info flying about, because it is not L$250 per person to unpartner!

[12:03] Cxxxxx Cxxxxxx: you suppose that was a typo as they always ask for 100
[12:03] Mxxxxxxxx Mxxxxx: DO YOU GOT REFERENCES
[12:03] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: god to funny
[12:03] Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Please Tell me why we are discussing this in a Group chat meant to talk about Meli Imako's Clothes?

Uh...because not everything that is discussed in the Meli Imako group is about Meli Imako's products? Some of it is just about creating in general, designing, texturing, events, or our SL or RL lives.

[12:03] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: rofllll
[12:03] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: if you actually read it he said he used the 10l to departner lol
[12:04] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: wants some tissues
[12:04] jxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: 60 l to pay... not 10

Does anyone know how much it costs to unpartner someone in this chat?!?

[12:04] Sxxxxxxxx Oxxxxx: it is 25 is it not lol
[12:04] JXX Bxxxxx: besides it costs $25 to unpartner

I just don't know anymore.

[12:04] Nxxxxx Txxxxxx: lol [12:04] Mxxxxxxxx Mxxxxx: LOL ~~! [12:04] Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I am a Mentor for this group Please Tell me why you are talking about this here?

Uh..."Mentor"? I thought this group--in fact, most groups in my experience--have moderators, not "Mentors".

[12:04] lxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: O.o
[12:04] Axxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: hahahaha love how everyone starts talking about it
[12:04] Lxxxxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxx: closing this note lol tc all
[12:04] Kxxxx Mxxx: Because there was someone begging [Pxxxx]
[12:04] Mxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: think it was a joke

We all wish it were, but no, it's not a joke, it's not a troll, it's the latest scam on the grid, because residents keep FALLING FOR IT! STOP! STOP BEING NICE TO THE SCAMMERS!

[12:04] Oxx Zxxx: Some one spammed the group asking for 10l
[12:04] Exxx Cxxxxxxx: heh they have moved on to the next group by now anyway.

As scammers are wont to do. Join a group, hit the group, leave the group, pick the next group. Rinse, repeat, burn.

[12:04] Cxxxxx Cxxxxxx: Because it is a scammer begging in here
[12:04] Lxxxxxxxxx Cxxxxx: @ [Pxxxx] ...because of this

[12:02] Jxxxxx Sxxxx: Do anyone have 10 lindens to give me Please !? OMG , i'm Desperate !! my rent will expíre in 1 hour and i had to Break up with my EX and had to pay those 10l to remove a partner on profile ... and now i need it back some How , is it possible to anyone to Help me ? ( i'm sorry for asking)

[12:04] Sxxxxxx Hxxxxxxx: yes unpartneren is 25L$ so congrats you're not divorced ;-)
[12:04] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Yea someone begging
[12:05] Pxxxx Gxxxxx: new Idea

At this point, no, it's becoming an ollllld idea.

[12:05] Exxx Cxxxxxxx: human nature. We must at least enjoy some snarking out of it. lol
[12:05] Sxxxxxx Hxxxxxxx: it was a nice story if al things where in the right spot, for sure
[12:05] Exxx Cxxxxxxx: back to work!
[12:05] nxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: If your a mentor then you should kick that person out of this group
[12:05] Pxxxx Gxxxxx: me too bye

Because remember, this is a group comprised mainly of designers, creators, builders. Whether or not they chat in the group, most of the time they're working on something.

[12:06] Lxxxxxxxxx Cxxxxx: work is boring [Exxx]
[12:06] Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Well he will be Banned today an anyone else caught talking about stuff that is not pertaining to Meli's clothes or questions concerning it
[12:06] Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: thank you

That's awfully high-handed. Are you sure you're representing the interest of all the collective behind Meli Imako? Because this is another group that talks over a wide variety of topics, not all of them pertaining strictly to Meli Imako clothing and products.

[12:06] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: I think that they really aren't after Linden's *most* but actually here to intrude - distract - and cause grief

No, I think they're mostly here to suck Lindens out of peoples' wallets and channel them off the grid.

[12:06] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: o.0
[12:06] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: so anyways
[12:06] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: good [Pxxxx] :)
[12:07] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: and we just have to keep standing up to them
[12:07] Lxxx Fxxxx: [Pxxxx] Mentor?
[12:07] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: i think she means monator

"Monator"? What is a "monator"?

[12:07] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: for the group
[12:08] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: or moderator really
[12:08] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: thats it

Ah. Okay. Carry on.

[12:08] Lxxx Fxxxx: O.O
[12:08] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: ty [cxxxxxx]
[12:08] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: like [Txxx] :)
[12:08] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: yw
[12:08] Mxxxxxxxx Mxxxxx: nods...
[12:09] Hxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx:

[12:06] Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Well he will be Banned today an anyone else caught talking about stuff that is not pertaining to Meli's clothes or questions concerning it

--- I just wonder what Meli will say about her group members being threatened like this.

I do too, honestly.

[12:09] Cxxxxx Cxxxxxx: most groups are grateful when you warn about scammers

Most groups are. I think this one is, too. Things just got a little...unexpectedly tense.

[12:10] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: let her know [Hxxxxxx], meli may not appreciate it, idk
[12:10] Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Guess what she made me a mentor of this group to stop this kinds of things for going on so if you think you have been wronged for you actions plz by all means report me to her. I think she will find that I have just cause since she appointed me to handle these things

Awfully cocky, aren't you, Mm. [Pxxxx]?

[12:10] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: i have to agree there cus the description does not say we cant talk in here
[12:11] Hxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Already on it [Pxxxx] :)

There was a minimal break wherein there was actual talk concerning a Meli Imako product...I've trimmed that out for, well, hardly brevity at this point, but to make things more focused.

[12:14] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: im looking forward to hopeully her making the pic i posted on her FB page
[12:14] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: the jellydolls are annoying tho
[12:14] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: anyone get a chance to see it
[12:14] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: i haven't, i avoid facebook lol
[12:14] Cxxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Jellydolls?

Yeah, it's something tied to the new Avatar Rendering Complexity, I think it is? You can set a figure, and anything above that figure won't be rendered.

[12:14] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: beleive the more likes it gets she will make it she made one i posted before
[12:15] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: and i absolutly loved it
[12:15] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: yeah, it's new thing LL is doing to cut down lag
[12:15] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: you set your own complexity limit in your viewer preferences
[12:15] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: hope everyone voted for the sept gift

Slight whiplash conversation diversion, to voting for the September group gift.

[12:15] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: we have to vote for something?
[12:16] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: dont pic the male one though lol
[12:16] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: He always puts 4 or 5 on a flicer page to vote for for the monthly gift

He? He who?

[12:17] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: oh I had no idea :)
[12:17] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: thank you
[12:18] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: FB is evil lol
[12:18] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: just kidding
[12:18] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: haha
[12:18] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: [Cxxxxxx]
[12:18] Gxxxxxxxx Hxxxxxx: I agree :))

Well, I do too, which is why I don't use Facebook. But regardless, there is a voting contest every month, with the photo that gains the most votes being the one made as the group gift. You can see the individual potential gifts here:

Denim peeptoe lace-up heels
Palace Heritage dress and veil (based on Iplehouse Fashion's Persiana set)
Chiffon Strapless Ruched dress
'Helen of Troy' fashion dress (likely not with boots)
Mens' 'Winter Fashion' outfit (likely also not with boots)

[12:18] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: well you can follow Meli and vote on twitter as well
[12:20] Mxxxxxxxx Mxxxxx: lol i want them all!!!!
[12:20] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: i only want Heritage to win lol

To be honest, I do too, but I don't have Facebook. Wait, there's a Twitter voting option?

[12:21] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: hanggg onnn
[12:21] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: the male outfit is gay as ussual so Meli should stick to female stuff

Oh, and we were doing so well, all this time and no explicit gay slurs...until now.

[12:21] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: im going lol
[12:22] Rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Okay, I'm gonna say one thing, cause I'm not exactly happy how my wife was just jumped on. My wife said she would be banning the person who was begging for the L$, and that this group was indeed for Meli Imako's clothing and designs. As stated in her group charter the group is for, Meli Imako News, Updates, Requests, and special offers. That is the understanding that I see here is the group was for her business, not anything else. If you feel that a business group for a store is to talk about other things, feel free to ask the owner/creator of the group. Hope you all have a great day.

Which sounded fairly even-handed, all things considered, and I actually approved of his tone, if not his grammar. But right after that...

[12:22] MX Bxx: Hello everybody, please ignore [Pxxxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx]'s comments relating to you only need to talk about Meli Imako clothes, as long as there is no griefing, spamming, scamming, ranting, you are free to talk any subject as this is also a community group.

Because Mm. [Bxx] is a part of the Meli Imako collective; moreover, as a member of the collective, [Bxx] stands slightly above a "Mentor". But the inherent problem with that? Dressing down Mm. [Pxxxx] in public like this. Does that mean she's no longer a mod for the group? Has she been demoted? Whatever it is, I doubt anyone will trust anything she says, from this point, who was there for her high-handed tirade.

[12:23] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: smdh
[12:23] Rxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx points up.
[12:23] Wxxxxxxxxxx Wxxxxxxxx: Thanks [MX] :) thought it was a little extreme
[12:23] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: ty [MX]
[12:23] Gxxxxxx Pxxxxxx: [Bxx], I think most of us knew that already
[12:23] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: but the chater does NOT say we cant talk

No, it doesn't, and it never has, as far as I know.

[12:24] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: i met most of my good friends in here
[12:24] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: Metal are the votes up yet for this months ??
[12:25] Txxxxxx Fxxxxxxxx: I already banned the begger
[12:25] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: i dont think so but didnt notice a time line
[12:25] Cxxxxxx Pxxxx: ty MX Bxx
[12:25] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: yeah i seen it now
[12:25] gxxxxxxx Fxxxxxxxxx: you can vote until Sept 10th
[12:25] Jxxxx Gxxxxx: you can vote im looking now
[12:26] Txxxxxx Fxxxxxxxx: I still need to vote...i couldn't make up my mind
[12:26] Mxxxxxxxxxx Bxxxxxxxxx: vote heratige lol
[12:26] Gxxxxxx Pxxxxxx: same with me [Txxxxxx], I couldn't pick just one

Unfortunately, the group members have to pick just one. But yes, that was the minor drama that broke out in chat. I suppose the ultimate lesson is, know who you're making a moderator, if you're a group owner...and, if you're a moderator in a given group, don't be an ass.

to the sound of a bleeding ghost train

Messages move through the wind, information passed from hand to hand. Tension along the strands, vibrations passed along to me to be interpreted in kind.



Perhaps it was pixying on all bargains, attempting to communicate through words here, when other words no longer could suffice. But then, I was a pixie for many years, thrust uncomprehending into the noble court of the Unseelie, from my prior wild state. Perhaps it was a flashback to my time then, where to think around corners was simply natural ability.



And perhaps I have only myself to blame, for putting in more revealing detail than I intended. It's not anonymous to all if even one can identify the person in question, and I do see the importance in ensuring anonymity, discretion; in guaranteeing that private things will remain private.



So from this point on...no more sidewise communications. (Or, at least, nothing with words.) Which means...no more communication, period. And for that, I am not to blame.

Can someone tell me why the seas are amber here? I don't understand. (Location is Adult, just FYI, but it doesn't make it easier to understand. Obviously, that sim was the source of the above three shots.)

And maybe it's just me being stuck in the past, but nothing in this Sansar overview makes me want to engage with it, when it launches. In fact, so far, everything I've heard about Sansar makes me want to avoid it like a virtual plague. That may change, but...it just isn't sounding good to me, to date. Viable option? Maybe. For me? I doubt it.

a dead rushes' fleet drifting on a quiet tide

I will always love the false image I had of you, and that will not change. The person you represented yourself to be was the person I fell for, and that person I still love.

It is not you.

Arriving at this realization was difficult, in the extreme, but it is the truth of things, and I try never to run from the truth if at all possible. I am frequently anxious, I am frequently afraid, I have made bad decisions, and I will likely make more in the future. I have regrets, I am frequently impulsive, and more gullible than I wish to be. None of this is news to anyone who's followed this blog for any length of time.

What is news, if only to me, is just this: you aren't the man I grew to love. Your mask was. Which, I suppose, is fine as long as the mask comes off and there's a connection still, but...when the mask came off, I realized there was nothing there I adored.

Do I still miss you? Of course. I miss your wit, I miss your sarcasm, I miss your body. I miss cuddling in your lap and feeling safe. I miss watching Rifftrax films with you and teasing back and forth over the course of a day.

But these are things, these are individual moments that I am realizing can be replaced by other people I already love, masks on or off. The core of it, as sad as it makes me, as hard as it is for me to articulate...is that I do not love the man you are. I loved the man you pretended to be, and that man, my dear, does not exist.

Perhaps he never existed.

And I need to finally come to terms with that, and find a way to let go of the love I still have for your false face. I wish you all good things, and every happiness you can manage, but I cannot keep you as special to me, because you were not the one that was special. I believed in the man you held up before the light of your soul, and it is my own fault, as well as yours, that I only saw the shadowed reflections of that light.

I can hear myself singing that song, over and over until it belongs to me

Malware programs have finally leapt to mobile devices. This is a really, really bad sign.

Want a truly random piece of art? Go play. The system creates the art; you name it beforehand so it has something to work with. It's an interesting concept.

Google will soon kill off Chrome apps. Their reasoning is that since the net is a more powerful entity now, than when they introduced the apps system, that there are other, better ways to do the same things.

If you're worried your system's going to be affected, realize you have until 2018 to find alternatives, so it's not going to happen next week. Google's just letting Chrome users know well in advance what they plan to do.

There's an upcoming Lost Boys television series. Start dreading all the things now.

This may be the best family tree for the Norse gods ever.

Need fake, royalty-free music to use any way you desire? Go to the Fake Music Generator site and 'create' to your heart's content. No content claims, no worries, just royalty-free themes to use in your animations, vlogs, let's-play videos, and whatever else you might need.

And let Kyle McLachlan describe the plot to Dune completely in emoji. It's brilliant.

when meaning's gone from every word

(( RP mode...sort of. ))



There are times in life where recovery demands change. I went to hide in the shadow spaces, to breathe in the fae lands, as diminished as they are. I needed to know the face I'd grown accustomed to seeing in the mirrors of Sakura was not the one I wore at present.



I feel frail, fragile, weak. And it is the greatest struggle not to pull my tattered shields around me, strap on what armor I have left, and pretend I'm stronger than I am. It is so very difficult to remain open to wisdom from the universe, to the things I need to hear. The things I would not hear if I was armored, shielded, shut down.



I recognize so few of the fae now. The Unseelie Court scattered to the four winds, and to this day I do not know where. Imprisoned as I was on the forbidden isle, I think I forgot how to even ask after those I'd known when I broke free, or was released, from the Queen's punishment.



But even the edges of the fae lands are healing. And my walls are currently paper-thin, ribbons of their former sun-baked clay and solid stone. I will heal, even if I have to retreat again and again, make myself believe anew that I am more than what I pretend to be. More, greater, a deeper presence, a stronger core.



And yes, if my gates are held open, there will be weak points in my structure. If I close those off, everything off, become a smooth and perfect sphere, no doors, no windows...well, what has no way in, also has no way out. And I no longer wish to lock myself away from the whole of the world. Just those parts of it that are currently hurting me.



In the meantime, the shadows will comfort me, when I cannot stand the light. I will reinforce what I need to, recover, remold myself yet again as I move through the glowing waters that were formerly home. I will heal and find comfort again in the mask I wear, for it is teaching me what I need to know about the human world, again. And I will seal off the access points I need to, to survive. Rebuild my walls, to grow strong again. And reemerge whole enough to continue.

After all, it won't be the first time.

the hardest part of ending is starting again

Yesterday, I got an offline:

[2:05] Xxxxxxxxxx: When's the last time you said something about me that didn't involve the word "manipulate"?

In our past few conversations, before he decided we were shattered, it did come up quite often. His manipulation of me to get what he wanted, or just to affect me in a certain way towards a certain outcome, or for all I know, just to upset me so he could score points in a mental tally. I truly have no idea, but he is right; 'manipulate' came up. Manipulation, manipulative, manipulated; it was all there. No breakup is ever easy.

There were, there are, good things about him. He's funny. He's smart. He's witty, which is even better. He likes many of the same things I do. He did fulfill needs that I am trying to figure out how to fill now that he's gone, and I don't just mean sex. Though he's really good at that, too. I do miss him, now that he's gone. I can't, and I won't, demean that. I do miss his conversation, his intellect, his presence, and that's not going to be easy to replace. I'm not going to try.

But, while I was sorting through all this mentally, and wandering the grid through various odd events, this happened:

[23:37] Xxxxxxxxxx: How manipulative am I today?

Wow. That's...well, I'd say very, because that is an alarmingly manipulative statement. I asked a love about it, in fact:

[23:38] Emilly Orr: The answer is, I don't even respond, right?
[23:39] Fxxxxx Axxxx: Yes
[23:39] Fxxxxx Axxxx: Because that is, ironically enough, manipulative.
[23:39] Emilly Orr: Okay.
[23:39] Emilly Orr: And I agree, but...you know how hard this is for me.

Because ignoring conversations that people send to me? It has always struck me as unutterably rude, and disdainful, and cold. Not to respond to any conversation, even hurtful ones, bothers me, flat out. I don't know that it's ever not going to bother me.

I must have dithered about this too long, though, standing firm on my 'no responses' stance. Because a bit later he sent this:

[23:50] Xxxxxxxxxx: Anyway, if calling me manipulative is how you absolve yourself of any responsibility in your own mind, go for it. I've been called worse. See you around.

I'm not absolving myself of responsibility in this. I am broken in entirely the wrong ways to be with him, and none of that breakage is his fault in any way. I have issues that I'm working on, some with my therapist beyond the screen, some with my loves, but whether that work results in any cumulative change may take months, or even years from now. Right now, in this moment, there are too many ways to slip through my cracks and cause great harm, and that is no fault of anyone I'm with, it's just the fracture points from earlier damage. I am not as strong as I was. I am not as capable as I was. That is a disturbing thing to admit, a saddening thing to admit, but unfortunately, right now, it happens to be the truth.



I am clinging to the concept of kintsugi in these moments, because the Japanese have taken a very unique approach to broken things. If something of value breaks, that is the technique used to make it into a thing of value again. The fracture points become very visible, but at that point, part of the design, adding to the piece, not subtracting from it. It is no longer what it was, this type of repair work says--but it can still be beautiful, useful, and be of value.

And I am still of value--both to myself and to those who love me. I am of value in all worlds, not just one. And just as I do not absolve myself of responsibility, so do I not absolve him of responsibility for the breakup. If he had been willing to talk rationally, instead of lashing out, we might not be where we are. If he spoke first, without the need to cause pain, we might not be where we are.

But we are here, and there is no going back. We were equally at fault for the disaster of separation, and we both hurt, and I at least pine for what was, what will not be again.

[23:57] Mxxxxxxx Bxxxxxx: I am sorry he is doing this to you.
[23:59] Emilly Orr: It's who he is.
[23:59] Emilly Orr: At least he went past the seven days. I suppose that's something.

I suppose it is. For what little value that holds, for whatever reason, he did wait. It's something that is not negative, that I can carefully stack with all the other things about him that are not negative, that I did like, that I did, perhaps, even love...and then carefully move those into storage, where they can no longer harm me.

when what's real becomes just another source of hurt

Silence stretches. Endless expanse of quiet, solemn silence, far too much space for thoughts and self-recrimination. But quiet. It has been quiet.

The first day was full of dread, nerves strung taut like wires awaiting unpleasant vibration. Sleep was broken, unsettled, the fragments of remembered dreams all about plans that went awry, connections that were missed resulting in breakage of bones, hearts, cities.

But when the second day passed with no contact either, breathing was easier. And each day that spooled on became another small balm on the wounded spirit, until, close to the end of the seven-day unspoken limit I'd set myself, I thought perhaps, he'd learned. He'd grown. Enough to give me the space I needed.

Enough to perhaps, begin a conversation again.



Today, looking through my friendslist idly, thinking about other things entirely, I noticed something. He wasn't on the list anymore.

At some point over the past few days, he had unfriended me. That I hadn't noticed was not that I'd discarded him, or moved on callously and coldly; it was because even looking for his name on the friendslist made my heart ache. I had chosen to take the space, the silence, breathe through old and new issues, and not make more trouble for myself in the process.

But he'd left. He hadn't been respecting my need for space. He hadn't been waiting until I spoke again, giving me the space I'd asked for. No, he'd left in a fit of pique, thinking that lashing out in this way would make me run back to his side and beg to be refriended.

It was all a ruse. It was just another manipulative attempt, in a string of other manipulations. It was the purest example of exactly why those closest to me wanted him gone in the first place.

Maybe I needed just such an example. Maybe it finally hurts too much to ever reach out to him again.