when you're free to choose, but the choices leave you lost

Couple more updates on the Advent list...pretty convinced that even if other things come up (at least, until the last-ten-day places go active), I'm pretty much done updating that for the season.

Did you ever want to be your own holiday fireplace? Now you can.

And I am beyond amused at the concept of little luchador puppet tree-toppers.

[00:41] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I... am flabbergasted.

I am too. What happened?

[00:41] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: why?
[00:41] Dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: does that mean there are lesbian type skins for females also?

I would certainly hope so. But wait, someone was asking if there were lesbian skins on the grid? Or lesbian skins for males? I'm confused.

[00:42] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: what did I miss?
[00:42] Emilly Orr: And what would a 'lesbian-type skin' look like?
[00:42] Gxx Hxxxxxxx: Well I guess bisexuals are screwed then

I know, right?

[00:42] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: o.o
[00:42] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I just logged in but whatever this discussion is about, just... no.
[00:42] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm confused because I missed the beginning?
[00:43] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I just logged in to the "flabbergasted" part
[00:43] Bxxx Mxxxxxx: O,O
[00:43] Emilly Orr: Me too
[00:43] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: me too, and let's be happy about that

Maybe, but it's an intriguing question, isn't it? At one point, Beebo Brink came out with a line of skins targeted towards tall, lean, androgynous women (she no longer has an in-world store, but the link leads to her Marketplace shop). I knew a few friends who bought one; I even had one at that point. They went very well with short hair and tailored suits.

[00:43] Dxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: to be honest there are loads of skin and shape store out there in the sl world, and would suggest you try to look on the MP first for blonde chest hair, and see what comes up [Wxxxx]
[00:44] Emilly Orr: Wait. Someone thinks lesbians have chest hair?
[00:44] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Dxxxx], someone asked if they could be pointed in the direction of a "gay man" skin with blonde hair and blonde chest hairs. We are all shocked there are gay and straight skins, is all. I just wanted to clarify for you. It wasn't naughty, I promise.
[00:44] Lxxxx Dxxxxxxx: someone was looking for gay skin...that's all...and the discussion that followed was that we were unaware that there is different skin for straight and gay
[00:44] Emilly Orr: Lesbians aren't another *species*

It's still puzzling. Other than specific skins for effeminate men, androgynous women, or purely hermaphroditic humans or furs, how would you know? Just from looking at a basic skin?

[00:44] Emilly Orr: Though there are separate skins for bish and fembois
[00:45] Txxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm looking for a femboi skin

A-ha. The mystery reveals itself.

[00:45] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Well, isn't that because shading needs to be different on them anyway?
[00:45] Emilly Orr: Up until very recently, even, most seriously bish men used female base shapes.
[00:45] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: someone thought they had to have a "gay" skin? wow lol um ok ...we all have the same skins pretty much... well some look more male or femaleish but ..you know what I mean
[00:45] Bxxx Mxxxxxx: quickly changes avie into a rabbit again

Hiding from the weird humans with their weird ideas? I get that.

[00:45] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: but femboi skin is not the same as "gay" skin, guess they didn't know lol
[00:46] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: i use a female skin for my femboi.
[00:46] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: fembbois may often be gay but not all gays are fembois
[00:46] lxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Well I think the question wasn't intended to be discriminatory but it's easily misunderstood that way, so let's just stop the conversation and say that it's probably best for the personal enquiring to search for a skin he/she feels suits them best.
[00:46] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: no I know it wasn't mean justt suprising lol
[00:46] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: -goes back to opening boxes and playing Destiny.
[00:47] Mxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I have not [Fxxxxxxxxx], sory
[00:47] Bxxx Mxxxxxx: ummm isn't this "SECOND LIFE"?
[00:47] Emilly Orr: Thursday, Mystic Canvass and Souzou Eien do bish products, though I don't know about skins
[00:47] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: What does that have to do with anything?
[00:48] Bxxx Mxxxxxx: leaves drama at door
[00:48] Bxxx Mxxxxxx: just saying
[00:50] Emilly Orr: Flamboyant, Bird Next Door, Rei's Femboy Halfway House, also may sell skins. Possibly Meshmerized for mesh avs.
[00:50] Axxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I'm glad you leave drama at the door, but this IS Second LIFE. Life has drama. You ladies and gents have a good night. I'm off to slay Guardians until bedtime. Cheers~
[00:50] Emilly Orr: And I apologize, I wasn't reading in the chat while I was looking for possible stores.

So, there we go. Terminology is strange.

and I've only got my brittle bones to break the fall

Lady, running down to the riptide
taken away to the dark side



So what's the upshot of all this? Introspection, contemplation, depression, desperation. Strip-mining the past to relearn what I knew then. Seeing if it changes who I am now. Is this a good thing?

Or does it just obscure my path?

I love you when you're singing that song and
I got a lump in my throat 'cause
you're gonna sing the words wrong



Maybe it's less about what I knew, and more about what I didn't see. Maybe it's more about what I missed at the time, instead of what I clearly understood. Maybe my understanding was never that clear in the first place.

and she's been living on the highest shelf



And now I'm questioning the things I need to question, have needed to question, as well as everything else, and I think it's just making me weaker, not stronger.

I just wanna, I just wanna know
if you're gonna, if you're gonna stay



Some things are clear. Some things are fixed. Some things I know with absolute, unshakable certainty. The problem is, those things--those clear, solid absolutes--no longer matter.

we made ourselves home out of our dreams
brought with us this love now bittersweet



And I am beyond tired, edging far past exhausted, with rebuilding. But obviously, my foundations are not yet stable. So we start again. New materials, or old ones, but I must be careful this time--nothing in the structure that, when broken, will cause more pain. Because there is that in me which causes fracture at the heart of things, so my beginnings must be clean, my building must be true.

and for all this pantomime
you should see the state I'm in
I couldn't heal myself with time alone



Nostalgia is a poison.

these walls, they whisper secrets and memories thereof
this door no longer leads us to their love



But I have played Sebastian of the arrows before, though with far less effort. Perhaps it's finally time to realize that arrows are bad for me, and move on. It's never been my choice, but maybe it's time for that, too. My decisions. My choices. My path through the fog.

We'll see how it goes.

(Lyric selections are from "Riptide" by Vance Joy, and Poets of the Fall's "Skin".)

by tomorrow dubbed a mystery and the past just blurry lines

I don't believe I've mentioned Bellefleurs yet.



Several months ago, I attended a series of salons--hosted one, even--in Babbage, and had a marvelous time. Struck up a conversation with one of the Blossoms from the House of Sakura, and she said I was more than welcome to visit.



And then time passed, as it does, as it will. Life in various worlds took precedence. I hadn't set the House of Sakura aside in my recollections, per se, as much as I'd just been overwhelmed by other fripperies.



Then Baron Wulfenbach contacted me, mentioning that the lady I'd spoken with at the Salon was still interested in talking further with me. At that point, the love life, with rather predictable regularity, had exploded into shrapnel yet again, and I was not equipped to sit and calmly discuss much of anything.



But in the last couple of weeks, things started to settle again. And I remembered the House of Sakura, so the next time I was in world, I contacted her. Which led to several conversations, and a few days ago, a delightful evening spent listening to selections from the Nutcracker suite.



It is staggeringly beautiful there. There are formal walking gardens, an En Garde area, and scattered here and there, benches and places to rest. They have a view of the ocean that nearly makes my heart weep.



I am definitely interested in attending more events there. I may even set aside blog space now and again to cover ongoing events. It could be very entertaining, and at the very least, it will give me more opportunities to wander the grounds of Bellefleurs, and admire the scenery.

The one thing visitors will need to know: Bellefleurs sits on an Adult island. There is nothing untoward in any behavior, there's nothing to send even the most prim and proper Victorian screaming from the sim...but, due to certain other activities the Blossoms of Sakura engage in, it must retain its Adult rating. But, with an open mind and an adventurous heart, I doubt this will daunt anyone looking for an evening of poetry, music or discussion.

I look forward to what happens next.

that which drew you, like a crow to glass beads

From a notecard just given out in Caledon notices:

"This weekend I announced I would be closing a number of the Winterfell homesteads. Honestly, the announcement was more difficult to share than I had expected. One of the regions which was slated to go was Mists of Winterfell, the region that connects Winterfell to Caledon. From what I have been told, the more skilled sailors of our realm can sail from the very northern sim of Winterfell all the way down to the southern most end of Caledon.

"While thinking about the symbolic connection between our two realms, as well as the physical one, I have decided I cannot let the connection be broken.

"I will be redesigning the sim and setting it up as a public attraction. My hope is the donation kiosks I am planning to include will make it possible to keep the sim open for many more months, if not years.

"While I understand that not everyone will be able to contribute monetarily, I ask that you share the LM and spread the word that Winterfell is a wonderful place in which to explore, relax, and enjoy.

"Yrs Respectfully,
Princess Selena of Winterfell"

I wholeheartedly raise a glass to that. Now, I used to live in Winterfell, as some may remember. I did not leave over any lack of respect on either side, nor due to feeling unwelcomed--though neighbors did make me take down Sumie's Darkhouse, which was a heart blow--but solely because my Linden income has never been reliable. When what sources I had evaporated, I simply could not afford to keep paying rent.

Elsewise, I'd likely still be there, on Salix Alba, Luctus Isle, or any of the other shadowed reaches I've called home. And I may one day return, if financing allows. I would adore another chance to make Winterfell or Caledon home again.

It will likely take a bit for the Princess to restore the land, but once done, do support if you can. Our virtual connections are tenuous enough as it is, but the joining of the Independent States of Caledon with the reaches of Winterfell was one of the more heartfelt moments of memory, and has genuinely brought only good to both realms.

a good excuse to be a bad influence on you

[20:04] Gxxx Mxxx: My 28.6k inventory says 'hi'.
[20:05] Mxxx Cxxxxx: wow...i have more inventory than Grey does. lol
[20:05] Sxxxxx Exx: most people have more inventory than grey does
[20:06] Axxxxx Bxxxxxxx: My main has just under 50,000, & I vow to keep it under 50,000.
[20:06] Nxxx Pxxx: I have 31,7k items.. But I've always been a deleter off and on.
[20:06] Mxxx Cxxxxx: i currently have 43, 793.
[20:07] Emilly Orr just deleted a bunch of things from template files and is now down to 136,343
[20:08] Lxxxx Mxxxxxx: 318,513 as of right now. but I'll be uploading some textures tonight
[20:08] Emilly Orr: YOU WIN

Also, I've updated the Advent list, if it helps, and I have a new notecard I'm going to check later on, so hopefully, there'll be more than just the one change.



So there's some controversy over the way the promotion team seems to be sexualizing Deadpool. Mainly, the detractors seem to think the film will be jam-packed with homophobic jokes, unfunny attempts at humor at the expense of other minorities, and a general, shall we say, less than deft hand on gender issues and sexual orientation.



I think what people forget is that it's not homophobia, it's part of Deadpool's arsenal. And what I mean by that is, beyond flirting with attractive men and women throughout the run of his comics, just because he wanted to, he's also well known for using it to disconcert his enemies. It's a brilliant tactic, and one that I believe meshes well with his general insanity, ability to continue conversations with pieces of his anatomy missing, and his seeming inability to ever, ever shut up.



Also, his crush on Thor is canon, and I won't lie, I'm kind of hoping there is--in this film or another--a face-off between Chris Hemsworth and Ryan Reynolds. I will be the one giggling like a maniac in the theatre, if it happens.

share the vows at the wake

(And the last part of the triad. I doubt there is anything else saved. Also from 2007, after the transition from Lumindor, purely fae lands attached to a medieval fiefdom, to Valruna, still mostly medieval lands, but somewhat industrialized, with far fewer trees. This was, however, before Valruna became the urban, inner-city nightmare it ended upon, and the Court went mad. Heavily RP mode.)


Emilly picked her way through the subterranean levels, doing her best to press into the shadows. She knew that their changing land had attracted some measure of Drow, some of them honorable, most driven mad by the changes between their land and this one. She followed I-Yaksha, wondering at the temerity of the human who strode so blithely ahead, but then...he wasn't precisely human, now, was he?

The passage widened into a dark chamber, the edges fallen to shadow, only dim candlelight offering some measure of relief from the weight of night. She looked around, realizing even her eyes could not penetrate the shadows around them.

"Oh, my," she murmured. "And where are we now?"

I-Yaksha smiled, turning to face her. "Underground," he said simply. "I am unsure where it is. I found it in my wanders."

Emilly arched an eyebrow. "Interesting..."

He motioned to pillows, scattered over a thick-piled Kuba rug on the chamber's floor. "Please," he murmured. He extended a hand. "Sit with me?"

Still she looked around the chamber, before stepping forward. She shivered at the scent of blood on the air, not specifically his, but present enough to entice. "That is...going to be distracting..." she whispered, her brow furrowing. She watched I-Yaksha settle against the pillows, still holding out his hand.

"You said we had more to speak of, Miss Emilly?"

He sniffed at the air, his attention drawn to a corner that felt no different, to her senses, than any other, before his eyes returned to hers. She drew back slightly. He waited patiently. Finally, she sighed, stepping delicately onto the rug and leaning back against the support of a pillow, watching him.

"First was always this: you offered the King an...object...to banish Rosali from the kingdom?"

He blinked, seemingly surprised. "I did? No, I did no such thing." He leaned closer. "Who would tell you such a thing, Miss Emilly?"

She tilted her head to the side, breathing. "Ah. You are saying it's untrue?"

He sighed, looking away. "I have no objects to give."

She shrugged, a complicated lift and roll of one shoulder. "I did not say it was your...object." In all truth, she had been told it was Enigma who met with the King, Enigma who made the offer, but what she did not know was why, and why Enigma would pry away another of the Queen's Court. She was hoping the were's son had enough inherited memory from his demon to answer. But he shook his head.

"I have nothing, Miss Emilly." He sighed. "Nothing to call my own."

Her brow furrowed again. "You have yourself. At least, to a certain extent. You have a place among the Rom. You have the ideas you think, you have what you feel...These are not small things, Iya."

Several heartbeats passed while he considered her words. "Yes...that, at least, is correct..."

She tilted her head, a sheaf of blood-red hair falling from one delicately pointed ear. "But you are telling me...no, you made no bargains with the King. Yes? Or no?"

He shook his head rapidly. "I would not deal with the King at all. Miss Emilly...he is...not quite sane, if you ask me. Be careful with him."

She shrugged again. "I have not seen enough of him to form an opinion. But I know the new Queen of old, and...if he is King and consort to his lands because he is with her, and not from his own power...he may well not be the force of stability this place may need." She inhaled slowly, leaning forward. "But that brings us to the second point. Iya...are you in...love, with me?"

He leaned over, looking pained, before he shot from the rug, moving to the fire. "I...My...I..." He took a long breath while he stared into the flames. She rose more slowly, slipping behind him, trying to meet his eyes as he turned, and turned, and turned from her. He took a long, shuddering breath, then turned to face her. The pain on his face was raw, and staggering.

"Yes," he said softly. He dropped his eyes to the floor. She closed hers, shivering a moment.

"That does...complicate things," she nearly whispered. He looked up briefly before dropping his gaze once more.

"Have I...done something wrong?"

"Iya, no, do not think that. It is simply...my life is...complex. And not safe for those not Sídhe."

He swalloed, seeming to draw further into himself. It was her turn to stare into the dancing flames.

"I am a shapeshifter, in a world where very few understand flesh can shift. More than that, I'm a representative of a Court that seems despised, and deeper still, I'm an Unseelie who seems to be, or at least, according to my Queen, striving to practice Seelie ways. I am...something of a paradox." She summoned a brief tongue of witchfire, letting the small blue flame dance over her fingertips, before flicking it into the fire to flare and die.

"Toss in Lilit, that long ago gift, with her recent activation, and...it becomes quite the tangle. And then, there's Raven..."

I-Yaksha nodded, looking back at the flicker and play of flames. "I know paradox and enigmas all too well, Miss Emilly. As well as Enigma himself." He swallowed, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "I said I would leave you be, if that be your wish...And I will honor that promise."

She stepped closer to him, carefully reaching out to touch his chest, her eyes fluttering closed at even that small a contact. She breathes softly, willing herself calm, before looking up again.

"I believe, you see, that's part of the problem...I do not precisely wish you to leave me along, and not just because I have managed, yet again, to addict myself to the one who lurks within." Her eyes raised, seeking out his. "But my Raven, you see...he has this unfortunate tendency to kill those who care for me. A worse tendency to torture first, those I care for in return."

"I do not fear this...I do not fear what he would only perhaps do, because there is a chance...a small one, mayhap, but a chance nonetheless."

She leaned in, daring to press her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "What chance, Iya?"

He ran his hand through her hair, his breath slowing. "A chance that he will set you free," he whispered.

She shook her head slowly. "You made the wrong bargain," she whispered back. "If he sets Lilit free from claiming--Lilit, mind, specifically--he will still be bound to me. Sídhe do not claim consorts often for this reason. Once two Sídhe join forces, it can be very difficult to...detach."

She trembled then, her head rising, her hands slipping around his waist lightly. "And what chance...what good is freedom, for Lilit or I, with you dead?"

He closed his eyes, nodding. His expression was haunted.

"I do not...He said...he would consider..." He sighed. "You will at least be free of him, then, Miss Eimlly...unless you wish it not."

She sighed, a sound of frustration and not some little concern. "Raven is...was...It is difficult, Iya, you do not understand..."

"You love him still, then," he said flatly.

She looked up, shaking her head. "Impossible relationships...it has ever been my special gift. It always has been. When I first met my Raven, when he was new-called to the Court...I had no thought to love him."

"I do not understand, then...?"

She shrugged, attempting to explain. "Why would I? Sídhe-sided, of course, as I was, not fully born of the line...but Drow in his makeup, as well, and demonic blood from a far older place than this one. And back then...I was a fool," she said. There was bitter recrimination in her tone, but none for him. "I dismissed him, but flirted, as I did with nearly all of the Court, never thinking of it. We sparred in friendly and unfriendly ways as the Winter Court rose to prominence in the old land. But there was an evening, in the bathing pool, he..."

She closed her eyes, remembering. He shuddered in the circle of her arms.

"It was still something of flirtation, then. At that point. But I saw the beginnings of...what could be more." She looked up, tried to meet his eyes. "I fought against it, we both fought. He was...there wasn't a woman in the land he didn't try for. I did not, I do not mind that, specifically, but...that, as a basis for conjoining forces?"

She sighed. "And then he came to my tree, one night, hurt from some battle he'd fought, and...I let him in. To my home, to my heart, to...everything."

I-Yaksha gulped hard, the lump in his throat straining his words, when they came. "I...see," he said, casting his eyes to the stone hearth. She looked down, following his gaze, as her voice dropped.

"In some ways, that made it worse, you see. We fought, constantly...even now, we fight. He will not see me, I have to scream at him, carve sigils in the door of his dwelling just to get his attention, and..." She shook her head, turning towards the flames, wrapping her arms around herself. His voice, when it came from behind her, was as colorless as the shadows in the corners.

"I will keep my word to you. I will feed you as I must, as you need, Miss Emilly."

She turned to face him, her expression somber. "I-Yaksha...please understand..."

"I understand," he said softly. "You still love him."

She sighed in exasperation. "I love many, that is not the point. It never has been."

"He still holds you, and you do not wish that bond broken."

"If any break the bond between us, it will most like be him, by not dealing with me," she muttered, her voice dark and sharp. She looked up to see Iya wearing a mask of his own face, seemingly, no expression even in his eyes as he watched her.

"Do you need fed?" he asked softly.

She took another step back, frowning. "As a...a...duty?" She laughed, the sound empty of all humor. "No, truly, if it is not something you desire, further, then I will work on...eliminating the addiction now."

"Of course, Miss Emilly." Still so frozen, his face, his eyes. Her hand tightened into a fist as she swallowed, fighting against the impulse to strike him.

"I have...never...loved before, Miss Emilly...not truly," he whispered. His eyes watched the fire again. She breathed, struggling to calm, knowing her anger would not help things. She reached out, silently lifting one of his hands, looking at it, turning it over in her grasp. She closed her eyes, thinking, then lifted his hand, pressing the knuckles softly against her lips.

"Iya," she said softly. "It is not that I do not care. I do...care. You are caught in a difficult position, and still you try to reach out. I laud that, how can I not?"

He pulled his hand back, naked pain on his face while her heart clenched. He pressed his palms to the spikes protruding from his belt while she shivered in sympathy.

"I must still honor my offer to your Raven. I will not prove my word false."

She threw her hands in the air, stalking slightly away from the fire. "Fine! Do not hear me!" She shook her head, muttering. "Why is this new, no one listens when I speak..."

"I try and listen, Miss Emilly."

She glared at him before turning, dropping all glamour she possessed, revealing herself to him for perhaps the first time. Larger eyes, no longer purple, now the traditional Sídhe triad iris: in her case, the black of storm, the silver-grey of cloud, the red of heart's blood. Her skin became almost luminescently pale, and delicate antlers rose from her blood-red hair. Her fingers elongated, her dimensions subtly shifted, until she stood slightly taller, and not bearing quite so many curves.

"I am Sídhe. Fae of the fallen land. Do you have any idea what that means?"

He turned, his teeth gritting, before his eyes widened at her appearance. "I have not one clue, but...it does not matter what you are. It's not your form I cherish, not any of your forms. And nothing bound to you...not Lilit, not your Raven, nothing of that matters to me. Do you not understand that?"

"Here this, mortal. I am Sídhe, immortal blood runs in my veins. And I have lived far from the Courts and Arcadia, but still, I know their ways, the whole of my life has proven this. So when I tell you I am Sídhe, I expect you to hear and understand what that means. It means passion is my domain. It means lust, desire, deception, all these things are mine to call upon. Savage anger, fury, cold revenge...these things, too. But...love?" She shook her head. "Love is not traded on among the Unseelie. Love is...difficult. Love makes us weak, to an extent, especially since most do not understand it, cannot, and even those who do, they find their thoughts run closer to obsession than acceptance."

She sighed at his blank expression. "I care, Iya, and you are throwing that aside because I cannot say three words I'd rather take another dozen iron-tipped arrows again than say. Do you think it was so easy to...love my Raven? Think on it--love Raven. Fractious, impossible, jealous as an idle hobby, prone to fits of rage and stronger fits of...But he was one of my own! Do you think even that was easy??"

I-Yaksha spat upon the ground. Something shifted in the dark behind her and she grew a touch uneasy.

"You think because I am mortal I do not understand love is...'difficult'? I show you more respect than I have shown the one to whom I owe a life boon, and you ignore that to lecture me on emotions you declaim as paltry. Take your Raven and your Sídhe to the Di Yu. Forever I will remember this and hold it tight to me."

She looked at him for a long moment. Her voice turned edged, sharp enough to cut; with a single thought, her voice would have wounded, had she wished it.

"You have not heard me."

He scoffed. "I heard you well enough."

Slowly, her head shook, one precise motion to the right, one to the left. He tossed his head pridefully, his shoulders stiffening.

"Well then, you may think of me as all others do...A fool to this land."

Another still, precise, turn of her head. "Have I once said you are a fool? I said you did not hear me."

"I heard you. You will not say words that have no meaning for you," he spat.

"No," she said, still quiet. "I will not say words I am not absolutely sure I feel, because they are a binding. I will not say words that would bind me, when I may still be bound to another. I will not say words that will bind me, only to see you die afterwards."

He laughed, a touch of sadness and despair in the sound. "You too think I will die."

"Do not mistake me. You may well be stronger than you look, even without Enigma to help. But Raven is strong, and vicious, and at this point...somewhat crazed. And believe me, the moment he hears that I may lo..." She stepped back, looking away, inhaling.

"He will try for you," she said flatly. "And he may well succeed." She watched his eyes narrow, watching her, and tasted bitterness on her tongue. "Yes," she murmured, "I am interested in preserving my own skin. Yes, I would rather not have to battle another addiction to your demon within. So yes, I would keep you close for that, but you would look upon me and see that as the only reason I would have to keep you near."

The were's son shook his head. "He need not try for me. He has already discussed the bargain. All Raven need do is state his answer...My death, or my servitude. What you do then, it is...up to you."

Her eyes flashed silver for a moment as she stared at him. "I begin to think you were right the first time. Enigma moves to your will in this. Why, Iya?"

"It no longer matters," he whispered. She stepped forward, grip more harsh than she intended as she spun him to face her.

"It matters, Iya."

He shook his head. "I will help you break free of his blood...I will leave you alone, and not bother you more. But I will never forget you, Miss Emilly.

She stared at him, eyes flickering to silver again briefly, before returning to black, grey and red. "Oh, for a blade an an hour at the sacred stones," she muttered. "So, you have made your decision, then. Based entirely, I might add, on the wrong conclusion. More power to your plans, then." She hissed softly. "May your life be long indeed..."

He sighed. "I will always love you, Miss Emilly. You and only you. But if I am unable to understand just this, how can I understand anything else about you?"

She wanted to run. She wanted to lash out. She wanted to know what shifted in the darkness behind her, the thing she could neither feel nor sense. But she forced her breathing to slow, her body to calm, her small fists to unclench.

"I will make you a bargain," she said. Her voice was low, a thread of something dark moving through the still cavern air. "Should you wish to understand...call upon me. I will do what I can to aid you." She lifted her hand, slashing through the air between them with a sharp, dismissive gesture. "But do not ever assume you know what I think, what I feel...unless you are very sure you are right."

He threw his hands in the air. "What you think? You cannot just speak your mind?" His voice turned bitter. "You sound like him, talking in riddles and circles until I just agree to what he wills."

She stood and watched him, a shudder moving through her as a maddened thought occurred. She nodded once, speaking softly. "Help you understand?" She nodded once more. "Very well." She moved forward, close enough to touch, close enough for him to feel the warmth of her skin close to his. "Kiss me."

He watched her for a long moment, blinking, before he leaned down, his lips pressed so gently to hers. She lifted her arms, slipping them over his shoulders, and as her claws extended from her fingers, she pricked the nape of his neck. He flinched, and as he flinched, she stripped all shielding from her mind, all barriers, and invited him in.

Sensations: The rising heat of her, her desire, muted after argument, but he had felt such before. It was less a scent now, or a feeling, as much as it was the carrier wave moving into his thoughts, wrapping around his essence. Her shields fell, and he saw her, unbarriered, flaws and strengths, foibles and courage alike. He saw her and his mind flooded with her emotions, strong, riptide-quick, overwhelming. Her rage and pain, her confusion and joy, her fear for the land and for him. And love. He saw love there, too, for all she'd hide it with concealing words. And love not just for the Raven, but for him, for he saw his name on her heart now, her image held close in this private space.

I-Yaksha gasped, his hands trembling as he pulled her closer, his eyes falling to meet hers as he drew his lips away. She was shaking in his arms, her shields still down, so open, so vulnerable. She bit her lip, watching him, knowing he could flay her at this distance with a single wrong word.

"I understand now," he whispered, one hand lifting to stroke her hair. She trembled, her eyes closing, pressing her head against his chest.

"I cannot...say...I..."

He pulled her closer, breathing with her, shaking his head. "Words are not what I need to hear...I never needed to hear them. I just needed to understand."

She nearly sobbed against his chest, but finally managed a nod, shaking. She wrapped her arms around his waist and just held him as her shields slowly restored themselves.

He laid his chin upon her head. "Do not cry, Emilly. I do understand, but my word has been given. I must hold my word to them both, or be forsworn."

She nodded slowly. "I know. And...one way or another, things need to resolve with my Raven. Even I am not given the way that that will happen."

He tipped her chin up as he smiled. "It will, Emilly. It will," he murmured. She reached up once more, touching his face, her fingers tracing his lips.

"I...must return to my domicile," he murmured. "Will you be well until the morrow?"

She nodded. "I will, do not fret."

He smiled half-heartedly. "It is what I do. And...the blood...?"

"Do not worry overmuch, then. At some point, I will...need, but now, now it can wait."

"I do not wish you to need, Emilly. I wish you to enjoy," he whispered. She smiled.

"I would like that."

"Be well, lovely Emilly."

"And you, until next we meet."

He left the circle of her arms, walking away into the shadows, and she watched until she could no longer detect his footfalls in the distance.

She never saw him again.

this elevator only goes up to ten

(Part two of three. Still heavy RP mode. Also vintage from 2007.)


Several days after the incident in the forest clearing, she learned from the Queen of Air and Darkness that the Raven Guards had been returned. With trepidation, Emilly asked about the one she considered her Raven. It was not that he guarded her small person, per se, but that when their Queen sent out the call to all the Sídhe-sided to help her populate the new land, he had come, and had abandoned all other worldly naming to simply become Raven in truth, as well as occupation. It was chance and serendipity that she found a fierce heart within the half-Drow, half-Sídhe that answered her own.

And yet, he did not contact her once he had returned. She had reached out to him psychically now and again, but such conversations were strangely distant, very nearly formal, and she grew even more worried over his emotional state. Once, she saw him briefly at a Court function, but he vanished soon after her arrival. She wracked her mind trying to understand why he would hold her at such a distance. After a few days of attempting to chase him down, however, she was well and truly angry.


Raven had returned to his small apartment within the Court; trying to reweave the threads of his life after his abduction from the Unseelie. He stopped in his sitting room, sniffing at the air and cocking his head to the side. This was something new; his little shifter, generally speaking, was never this angry with him. He grinned sharply as he allowed communication between their minds.

"Waiting, dear Emilly," he sent, crossing his arms over his broad, bare chest.

A flick of a mental thought, sharp-edged, her snarl behind it. "Then shouldn't you bring me to see you, if you are waiting?"

He couldn't help smiling. "Aye, that I should. However, something tells me that in this particular state you may very well wish to strike me." He sent her a snarl back as he cracked his neck side to side, preparing for her coming words. He felt the smile that graced her face across the leagues between them, brittle and tremulous as it was.

"Well, now, my Raven. What might you have done to deserve being struck, then?"

And he did not answer, even in thought. He stood, sorting through ways to speak, ways to respond, as the silence stretched between them. Her snarl built, and he stiffened when she slammed her hand down hard against the trunk of a tree, a jolt of pain even he could feel, at his chosen distance.

"You cannot even TELL me! Raven, you try my patience!"

He snarled back, finally growing angry himself. "REMEMBER who you are speaking to, succubi! And if you must know, the one known as Enigma offered me his body in exchange for my leaving you be!" He felt her frustration build, crest, barely suppressed before her anger would cascade again through the psychic link.

"WHO do you think you speak with? Lilit is NOT here!"

He nodded his head, knowing she would catch the hint of motion. "Aye, but Emilly is. And unless he spoke false, he said you knew of the arrangement."

There was a pause while she shook her head, sighing, leaning against the tree she'd struck. "Aye, he told me. And you never thought to consult with me after your return? You cannot just--just--TRADE me, Raven, I am not a playing piece!"

His shoulders slumped. "Hence why I have not made the decision yet. What, did you think I was simply mulling it over, as I would the decision to wear black, or red?" He felt her suspicion, the chasing chaos of her thoughts, and closed his eyes, inhaling slowly.

"Enigma has told me...he's offered you the boy in exchange for Lilit. But he has not told me what that means. Your claim on her released? Or...her ripped out of me?"

Raven sighed. "I believe he is referring...to my love for you both."

She blinked, swallowing. Her hands gripped the bark as her eyes closed. It was several moments before she sent her next words. "He made it sound as if...you'd been discussing it, and it was just..." An impression of movement, quickly restrained, another sigh. "Damnation, Raven, he said you'd all but agreed. He's been GLOATING over the idea of...of...marking me, of--of--branding me, or..." She shuddered, thinking of I-Yaksha's brand, burned into his skin by hot iron during the ritual. The very mark she'd managed, somehow, to avoid when Lilit slipped into the back of her mind.

A brief, tactile impression of his dark fingers, tracing down her cheek. "You can be assured I have not thought it over fully, at all," he murmured.

She hung her head, her blood-red hair falling forward to obscure her face, not that he could see where she stood, concealed by shadows. "It has...not been the best week, Raven. I-Yaksha tells me, he cannot feed me more, and...partially because of the deal with you, and...that misbegotten slave of Sombra's spending some little time seeing how many arrows I could bear...I'm...exhausted."

His shock was palpable through the link. "By Vhaeraun...SOMBRA?? That idiot demon had the gall to strike at one I hold dear?!"

She felt his hands clench into fists, and sought to offer what little reassurance she could. "No, no, my Raven--he had no knowledge, it was one of his slaves. She...lost her sanity, she's in gaol for it. But..." She paused, and he felt her hand curl protectively over her midsection. Finally she sighed. "I will not lie to you, Raven. It was a close thing. Even for one of my abilities. The arrows were iron-tipped, and...I lost a great deal of blood. Were it not for a knight in the vicinity, who chose to..." Her mouth twisted, thinking of it. "To...pray over me, and how galling is that...I may not have...I..." She forebore mentioning the doctor, who'd stabilized the bleeding, but it hardly mattered. "I still...do not know WHY she shot at me in the first place, her and her two companions. She gave no direct cause, behind finding me there."

"The demons in this place," he said slowly, "they are not like the few we knew in Lumindor. They are...unstable, unkowning. They need a REAL leader, someone they can all fall behind."

"So you/ve said. And you intend to be that leader?"

"If it must be. Which means I shall have to deal with the problems of Sombra's slaves. They are more trouble than they seem to be worth."

She nodded slowly.

"Of course, there is a way to deal with fool demons such as Enigma. Why did he say he could not feed you?"

"The boy said he could not feed me," she answered quietly. "Because...once you'd decided...he would be yours, and his actions no longer his own. I..." Her mental voice went quiet in his mind, and he heard another soft sigh.

His hands clenched into fists once more.

"The addiction..."

He felt her twitch, discomfited.

"I am...addicted to his blood." She sighed. "Again. I believe I mentioned it..."

"Aye, I remember," he muttered darkly. Again, she had said. Yet again he was reminded how terribly wrong things had gone while he'd been spirited away. His lady injured, his lady chained to another's blood, the very land he knew and loved altered nearly beyond recognition...Of what use were his own struggles when the land itself cried out against violation?

"I am...not looking forward to breaking this one. I've taken...far more, it's...changed me, somewhat. It will not be...easy."

He very nearly smiled, but he was not sure there was humor in it. "Really, shouldn't you be beyond this sort of thing by now, dear Emilly?"

She quirked a sharp smile, leagues away. "And what was I to do, Raven? You were...elsewhere, I thought I'd examined his offer from all sides. I did not...then...see any complications." She sighed once more. "I suppose I was wrong."

"Naïve of you, but it happens."

She shrugged, her back still pressed against the tree. "I liked the lad. I thought it was in the nature of an equable exchange. He needed...connection, a place to belong that was not the heart of a human city, and..."

"At your age, you should see past such things."

She sighed, resignation and frustration both in the sound. "So our Queen told me. She's threatened to pinion me for another fifty years on that damnable little isle."

He took that in, thinking. "Well, did you learn from your past mistakes?" Her silence was answer. "It seems you did not. So it makes sense that she may threatened you with that again."

She nodded, her eyes closing. "I learned some things, just...not everything, apparently."

The Raven sighed, speaking softer now through the link, treading on the power of their bond. "This was the main reason, your tendency to form unhealthy habits. So she has said."

Emilly took that single step through the ether their bond allowed, close enough for something of her touch to pass through. One hand stroked over his chest, eerily tangible. "I do not know if that has...necessarily changed, Raven," she whispered. "That may simply be my...burden, to bear."

He shook his head. She persisted.

"I...forgave a great deal. I grew closer to Lilit, in the sense of understanding her, in..."

"That is good, my dear. I have not seen her outbursts, nor felt them since my return." He laid what he could send of his touch over her hand, reaching for her, mind to mind. "At the same time, you must understand. I have problems beyond all this I must attend to. I cannot worry over whether or not my closest confidante is going to explode in addicted rage, or change into a succubi that wishes me dead."

She was surprised into a laugh. He frowned. "You laugh at a serious concern, my dear."

"Oh, Raven...I do apologize, but...truly, now. The last time--granted, it didn't go as...deep...but the last time I had an addiction to Enigma, I did not fly into a frenzied rage. And I sincerely doubt Lilit wishes you dead, that was me. And that was when I thought you were going to hand me over to Enigma."

"Lilit does wish me dead. She finds me a threat, my dear Emilly."

She blinked. He could nearly see her eyes now, in the shadowed space they shared through the bond. "She does?"

His voice was a low, amused, sarcastic thing. "I am fairly sure, my dear."

"She did not mention it to me...not that that's surprising, just...disappointing."

"She is a demon, I hold nothing against her. It is her nature."

Emilly shrugged. "Yes, but...still."

"Speak with her on it, if you will."

He felt her small hands clench at her sides, among the distant trees. "I am trying. She is not giving me understandable answers."

"It is her nature. You must word the question correctly."

Emilly blinked. "'Do you want him dead?' isn't correct? Or at least, direct..."

He laughed humorlessly. "No, asking what her plans would be for me would be better, it is broader. The more direct, the easier it is to avoid."

A blur of tangled energies, bells chiming off-tone, even as the persistent sense of autumn wind remained. Ah.

"You could just ask me, it's not as if I'm not present," Lilit said. Raven snarled slightly.

"I prefer her company to yours, beloved."

She sneered haughtily. "Of course you do. Everyone does. Save for Enigma."

He shook his head. "That is not true. Simply at this moment, I prefer her company. You know my love for you both. Even if you wish me dead."

She scoffed. "I do not wish you dead."

He roared. "Do not TRIFLE with me!"

Lilit snarled, sensation of her claws extending through the link. "Why would I lie? Even to you? I do NOT wish you dead. I am not always best pleased with you, but you're better than the alternative."

There was a beat of silence while he considered that. "And the alternative is?"

"Branded and claimed to the demon inside that boy, obviously."

"Ahh, and we are back to Enigma. And I do wonder what he wishes to do with the two of you...once he has you."

Lilit shook her head. "I do not know. She is terrified of being branded, though. Iron on Sídhe flesh, I don't blame her...I doubt even a full manifestation would save that, so much of me is formed of her in this place."

He nodded, shuddering a bit himself at the prospect. "Aye, I doubt that, as well."

"And I do not know...I have been puzzling over why he wants me, ever since he mentioned it." She sneered. "He tells me he will make me beg for the brand." Lilit rolled her eyes.

He laughed a bit. "Asking you to beg, may as well ask me to while he's at it."

"Indeed. And I will let you have your little shifter back. Being this close...there is enough of a connection he always manages to find me."

Now he pulled his changeling companion through the veils to his side, breathing in the scent of her, whispering into her hair as they held each other.

"Aye, that he does. But I have you now."

(Continued in part three.)

and all the cyanide you drank

(Sometimes, when we search for one thing, we find something else. Sadly, I don't have more of this, just the three sections, but still, I think they're worth keeping. Heavily RP mode. I've done what I can to anonymize at this point, but in all seriousness, these were captures from sessions in July, 2007. I don't even know if the individuals involved--beyond me--are even still on the grid.)


It was summer, the air heavy and pregnant with langorous possibilities, as the little changeling walked towards the forest. Droning bees and demifae chased each other through nodding banks of flowers; it made her smile, as little else did, as she slipped between branches into the cooler, shadowed expanses beyond the fields. She had needed the excuse of escape from Court machinations, and seized the opportunity to state a territory to patrol. With several members of the Queen's Raven Guard mysteriously missing, every hand was needed on patrols; each of the Unseelie, from the most imperious Sídhe noble to the lowest Boggart, were now required to roam the lands, and keep them safe from the encroaching human forces.

So far it had been an uneventful wander; and in all truth, she expected little but the chance to stretch her legs, breathe in forest air, before returning to what now passed for home, without her Raven, with her land changing around her. But that was when she caught a hint of...something...drifting on the afternoonwind. It was more than an impression, less than an actual scent, though her mind related it to her in those terms. She breathed in deeply, identifying something that might be woodsmoke, something else bitter and acrid, laced with a familiar copper-sweetness and...iron? Iron in the Unseelie trees?

As suddenly as she had captured it, it seemed to pull back, and unthinking, she moved to find it. Her short legs ran, her mind trying to follow the elusive, disturbing collection of almost-scents until she reached a dark clearing with small lithon stones, worn to little more than rounded protrusions through mossy soil from age. As if it had been waiting for just this moment, the nearly palpable taste of blood pooled on her tongue, copper-rich, iron-rich, and for a moment, she clung to one of the stones, overcome. She missed the first unfurling of pheromone-laced psychic tendrils reaching for her, wrapping her mind, holding--if only briefly--her body in place on the mossy ground.

She heard a dark chuckle, and felt a darker presence still, touch the outer barriers of her mind. She struggled to open her eyes, swallowing, trying to concentrate through the sudden blood haze.

"Sídhe," the dark voice said, sardonically amused. "You still have that childlike curiosity that got you last. So amusing, still, but let me have the other. Let me have Lilit."

When the rift occurred, that pulled the Winter Court closer to the humans, there had been new predators released into the woods. No Unseelie put any faith in demons of the 'One True', and yet...She, among others, was captured and her spirit thinned to make room for a succubus named Lilit. On the same eve, or close before, one of the humans had been tortured with the same ritual, and bound to a demon named Enigma. And though they seemed to be on vastly opposing sides...still, their deviances and manipulations wreaked havoc on the Court and its citizenry.

It was Enigma who spoke with her now. She should have recognized it far sooner. Conflicting energies surged within her, but she kept herself under control...for at least a few more moments.

"You understand," she sent, "I am not in a place where I can leave easily, just yet. Did you wish her in flesh, against yours, or..." Her voice trailed off, and the voice that continued was full of lilting, off-balance bells, sardonic amusement, the dark thread of Lilit's energy snaking through the air.

"Or would talking be enough, then?" Lilit asked.

Enigma pursued that dark thread of her energy, the serpentine surge drawing him forward like a moth to a flame.

"Mmm, well, I am getting what I want. Perhaps not now. But I will have what's mine, Lilit."

Sensation: slide of demonic claws over her inner thigh, the scent of her own blood rising as her flesh opened like a flower. She hissed, a whipcord thread of anger lashing out, winding around him, before withdrawing.

"What's yours? And what would that be, exactly?"

Images: flesh pierced by razor claws, blood running over silver-pale skin. Scent of the changeling's fur on fire, the brand that burned it still held to her form. Sigils carved into the flesh of the demoness' stomach as she arched beneath Enigma.

"You are mine, Lilit. You and the little Sídhe both. Her Raven will soon be taken care of...permanently."

She snarled at that.

"Burn...me. You would burn me? I am inured to pain, I've even taught the little shifter to appreciate it, but there is iron in your vision. I smell it. That would wound her beyond measure." Lilit cocked her head to the side, sneering. "And...permanently? As if you can kill one of the Raven Guard."

Dark laughter cascaded through her mind, the impression of Enigma, at some distance, shaking his head.

"Oh, we know of her...issues with iron. We have other ways to mark what is ours. And again, Lilit, you make assumptions. 'Kill' was not used in our statement."

Lilit's lip curled, revealing one needle-like fang.

"It's been time and more than time, but you forget--the Raven claimed me, to keep me from your hands. How do you plan to overturn his binding upon me?"

It was Enigma's turn to sneer, now. "His binding?" He laughed, razor-edged and ripping. "There is no binding on you. Only your lost hope of what is gone. And how we do things is ours to know. Only the wolf's son who holds me will pay for your...'unbinding'."

Lilit's scarlet eyes stared across the leagues, measuring Enigma where he sat in obsidian dark. "You'd make another pay the price that should be yours? Tch. Typical."

Enigma just smiled. "Oh, but we are one. His loyalty to me is undying, even beyond that contraption your little fae gave him. Think what you will, but make no mistake, you will be ours fully."

She growled, the sound chill enough to ice over the stone her body rested against. "You cannot bind me without consent. Think me a fool? That has ever been the first rule, here and there. Mortal, demon, fae, spirit alone, or spirit in flesh--you can capture, you can contain, mayhap you can even kill. But bind, fully, to your service and side? It will not happen lest I agree."

Sensation: Liquid touch of his blood across her lips before withdrawing, more of his seductive tendrils wreathing around her. The changeling child she nested within arched, gasping, before Lilit reasserted her control. Even so, she felt his lips spread in a grin, noting her reaction.

"You think we know not these things? You want as we want, you seek what we seek. We are as one. You have already begun to feel the power of our blood, coursing through your veins. Even manifesting in the little shifter, yes? What was barely tangible before, in this new form, now visible down your spine. Tell me you will not agree, for more power fed to you. Tell me you did not like the markings we have already made on the body you hold."

Lilit's attention wandered briefly, remembering, and there was a brief surge in her own pheromones, as the tendrils he spoke of unfurled on her back, lashed the air. It was a brief moment of distraction, soon suppressed, but he noticed.

"Yesss," he nearly moaned. "That answer is more than enough."

Lilit's focus returned as she tossed her head, the shifter's blood-red locks shifting to her own glossy ink ones. "You'll still have to convince me. Simply because I like how you treat me, like how you feed me...oh, that is far removed from service, and you know that better than anyone."

A sharp growl at her final words circled the grove. She smiled to hear it.

"So be it," he spat, "but this is not so hard, we think."

Her lips quirked, amusement laced with more of her scent, circling around body of Enigma's host, far away.

"Ah, but you do so like challenges," she purred.

Enigma sent amusement, a brief, almost-caress of his claws down her cheek. "Yess, this we do. And our plan is already in motion. Soon, you will understand."

With shocking suddenness, the demons both departed, all scents, all impressions vanished save for the rich trace of his blood. to linger on the still air. Emilly was left shaking in the clearing, wondering what would happen next.

(Continued in part two.)

so let's just stay awake until we grow older

Sometimes, I capture bits of chat for the sheer fun of it.

[18:34] Mxxxxxxx Exxxxxxxxx: No you haven't
[18:34] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: Impossible.
[18:34] Mxxx Cxxxxx: no, no you haven't
[18:34] Rxx Axxxx: [RXXXX] ......
[18:34] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx: There are no better groups than this.

No, I'm pretty fond of this one.

[18:34] Rxx Axxxx: I'll hide ya anytime ;)
[18:34] Rxxxx Pxxx: Done
[18:34] Nxxx Pxxx: Well ok, you're right. Not possible.
[18:34] Rxxxx Pxxx: and thank you
[18:34] Rxx Axxxx: :)
[18:34] Nxxx Pxxx: She DIDNT MEAN HIT ME, ya BRAT
[18:34] Rxxxx Pxxx: [Rxx]...recipe needs bacon
[18:34] Rxx Axxxx: lol
[18:34] Rxx Axxxx: yeah totally could add bacon to it and would be good
[18:34] Nxxx Pxxx: But I've been abused in other groups...ANYway.

This sounds like a constant.

[18:34] Rxx Axxxx: it's turkey, broccoli, swiss cheese, Parmesean cheese and bread cubes
[18:34] Mxxx Cxxxxx: oooo...i want a rocketship gacha.....

Now, do you mean gacha with rocketship parts, or a gacha machine shaped like a rocketship? There's likely one out there...

[18:34] Txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: You are just abuseable, [Nxxx]
[18:34] Mxxx Cxxxxx: ^
[18:34] Rxxxx Pxxx: Hey when someone hollers my name it's usually because it's smackin' time for [Nxxx]
[18:35] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx grins. "I like you, [Rxxxx]."
[18:35] Mxxx Cxxxxx: and, if you didn't get the abuse [Nxxx] you'd pout and think we all hated you
[18:35] Nxxx Pxxx: Friggin' muscle memory.

Yep. Sucks a lot.

[18:35] Rxx Axxxx: great way to use up leftover turkey when you are sick of eating it left right and center lol
[18:35] Rxxxx Pxxx: Sounds good [Rxx]
[18:35] Rxxxx Pxxx: see this is why I make ham and turkey lol
[18:35] Nxxx Pxxx: [Rxx] shouts my name. and [Rxxxx] hits me automatically.
[18:35] Nxxx Pxxx: I'm moving my desk.
[18:35] Rxx Axxxx: LOL
[18:35] Txxxxxx Rxxxxxxx rereads what [Rxx] said and makes the determination she was not talking about smacking [Nxxx] with it

With the DESK?!?

[18:35] Rxxxx Pxxx: no you aren't cuz it's my desk too dork
[18:36] Nxxx Pxxx: I have a saw.
[18:36] Rxx Axxxx chuckles
[18:36] Mxxx Cxxxxx: [Nxxx]...i found a gas pump gacha. ;p lol.
[18:36] Nxxx Pxxx: 0.0
[18:36] Rxxxx Pxxx: sooooo like I told my sister when she went into labor, whether we are here at the hospital or home, you are taking the problem with you
[18:36] Rxx Axxxx: gie me a min i'll type it up for anyone that wants it... need to anyway this is one of those i need to be able to reprint fresh now and then lol you know like gramma's old cards that got used alll the time and are barely legible lol always the sign of a good recipe lmao

Which reminds me. I need to ask Rxx about that recipe; the only thing I found that was moderately comparable was from Betty Crocker.

[18:37] Rxxxx Pxxx: very true
[18:38] Emilly Orr: Okay, wait, I just got here. Someone's beating up Nite with gas pumps? Why?
[18:38] Nxxx Pxxx: puts a jar over Emilly

Nooooo!

[18:38] Mxxx Cxxxxx: lol no Em. I found a gacha thats a gas pump
[18:39] Emilly Orr pounds on the glass
[18:39] Emilly Orr: No fair! You're taking advantage of the short person!
[18:39] Rxx Axxxx: 0.0
[18:39] Nxxx Pxxx: It's a perk of being a tall person. :P
[18:40] Emilly Orr: Tall people su....I mean, sure.

I stand by the first iteration of that statement.

[18:40] Nxxx Pxxx: breaks into a verse of "Short People"
[18:40] Emilly Orr pouts
[18:40] Rxxxx Pxxx: That's not very nice Nite
[18:41] Mxxx Cxxxxx glances at [Rxxxx] and Gibbs-smacks [Nxxx]
[18:41] axxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx ponders the satisfaction of breaking [Nxxx]'s liquor cabinet and its contents

Oh, now that's just cruel, that is. Not to mention alcohol abuse.

[18:41] Rxxxx Pxxx gives [Nxxx] a smack for good measure
[18:41] Pxxxxxx Mxxxxxxxx sings, "Short people got no reason...short people got no reason...short people got no reason to live!"
[18:42] Rxxxx Pxxx shakes her head
[18:42] Nxxx Pxxx: takes the jar off Emilly

Yay! Freedom!

[18:42] Mxxx Cxxxxx shakes my head at [Pxxxxxx].
[18:42] axxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: [Rxxxx], can you smack him again please?
[18:42] Mxxxxxxx Exxxxxxxxx: What? It's a good song!
[18:42] Mxxx Cxxxxx: I'm not short, but...my daughter is. lol.
[18:42] Rxxxx Pxxx: That song was evil when it came out lol
[18:42] axxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx is short
[18:42] Rxxxx Pxxx: Awwww
[18:42] Nxxx Pxxx: You're a CAT

Not all cats are short. Or, well, all cats are short, but some are also long, so it evens out.

[18:42] axxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: I meant in rl :P
[18:42] Nxxx Pxxx: So, inherently, yer short
[18:43] axxxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: And no, I'm rather tall in sl
[18:43] Emilly Orr: I'm actually taller in SL. It's kind of frightening.
[18:43] Rxxxx Pxxx: You are suppose to be short meow meow
[18:43] Rxxxx Pxxx: lol Emily

I'm getting closer, though. Without heels, I now have a shape that's five feet, six-point-two inches tall. So it's almost my RL height! Woo!

I had everything, opportunities for eternity

So the Teleport Hub site threw up a pretty complete calendar listing, yay for them. Feel free to go down that list on its own; these were pretty much the ones that seemed useful for me, with either free-to-join groups, or no groups needed.

And I'll be adding to this list as I go, so I'll post the link in future entries to check back. Also, the Showtime blog has an Advent list up.

[Late edit: Found another list containing some different Advent links from the Chica and Phil's Place blog. Also, the FabFree blog has a list of Advent stores.]

Links that require no group:

A Touch of Magic :: Holiday decor.
Caledon Oxbridge Rose Garden :: Could be anything, really, but I'd largely assume bits of neo-Victorian and steampunk decor, Caledonian textures, steam pets, et cetera.
Chaos, Panic and Disorder :: Will likely be home decor items, accessories, and the like.
Ch's :: Seems to be mostly clothing and avatar toys. Gives out past days' gifts, as well.
C.M.D. Art and Furniture (rated ADULT) :: Likely home decor, some items may have Adult poses.
Dulce Secrets :: Eyes and avatar attachments, I think.
Eclectic Stars: Geeky accessories and clothing.
Emerald Couture :: Clothing.
Fair Play: The Forgotten Game :: Various fantasy/gothic themed items; track down the glowing dates, click on that date, get the gift.
Fairy Unique Designs :: Textures. (Pay L$1 to get the gift, it will be refunded.)
FallnAngel Creations :: Clothing, hair, or skins, if the last few years are any indication. Also check out the Holiday Lucky Presents tree.
Formanails :: Nails and nail accessories.
Fuzzy Peach :: Likely home decor. Can still get previous days' gifts as well.
Grumble :: Likely clothing. (I have no idea what she's giving out, I'm still banned from the sim.)
Helping Haven :: Holiday decor and system-layer clothing.
Isis Boutique :: Will mostly be shoes, gifts go from L$1 to L$24.
KittyCatS :: Because this is a donation calendar every year, it can be literally ANYTHING--so expect clothing, accessories and jewelry, shoes, decor, holiday things, as well as pets.
Lantian Flox :: Home decor items, likely holiday-themed.
Needful Pixel (rated ADULT) :: Think mostly clothing and shoes with a fetishy bent.
Ollie's Follies :: I'd assume home decor. (Sit on Santa's lap, get random gift.)
Perfect Seduction :: Clothing and accessories.
Skye Qi :: If previous years are any indication, the entire Advent contains pieces of one or two outfits. If you miss a day, just buy the day previous--they're priced according to the date.
Timeless Textures :: Textures.

Links that require (free) groups:

7 Deadly Skins :: Generally skins and outfits, occasionally jewelry. (Group is free until she hits 30,000 group members, so keep that in mind.)
CIRCA Living :: Home decor items, varying in cost (between L$1 and L$75).
Entice :: Stockings, clothing, accessories? Could be anything. (Pay L$1 to get the gift, it will be refunded.)
Freebiecosmos :: Could be anything from clothing to holiday items to furniture.
Hello Dave :: Nails/appliers.
Inkheart :: Will likely be eyes. Also scan around while you're there for hunt items, because generally all of their hunt items? Also eyes.
Loordes of London :: Shoes, outfits, for the most part. (Calendar seems to be reversed; wear group tag and hit the end-of-month days first.)
Mariposa Gardens :: Home and garden decor, possibly holiday-themed.
Roots and Wings Clothing :: Mesh clothing items, some may be holiday-themed.
Yasum Designs :: Seems to be accessories, at least to start.

That's all I've got for now! Have at!

but the roses were only to drain my inspiration

Once, I had a forest grove of whispering birch leaves and moss-covered stones, before the fire. Once I had a ring of standing stones around a tower, before the tower fell. Once I had a fortress, and I thought it would protect me, until the breach in the walls.

Once I had a cottage, and an herb garden, before I walked away. Once I had a lighthouse, close to the shore, before it sank beneath the sand.

And once I had a train.

Sunset gives way to dusk, the vivid reds and pinks descending to blues and grey. I sit on the hill, overlooking where the train yard would be, had I rebuilt it in this place. A small valley, shaded from sun, an entrance in, an entrance out...not inaccessible, just secluded. I thought I needed seclusion, for a while.

I thought a lot of things.

But now, on this hill overlooking the valley...I'm watching the train yard rebuild itself. Rail by rail, gravel rolling in from the edges where no gravel was, the smell of creosote slowly rising on the darkening air. Sidings on raised beds, switch engines, banks of trees disappearing into ties and ballast. The small cabin, built up from a pine-branched lean-to when I arrived, is left untouched, though I watch it moving, seemingly by itself, off to one side.

Rusted sheet metal unfolds with creaks and a coppery dusting of metal flakes. Wood panels, chain, pierced industrial squares, steeplecabs and spreaders, blankets laid down before more ballast is set atop, creating a higher, raised section as everything else fills in. I wonder if these corroded, patched cars will heal as time goes on, or if this is just evidence of current damage. I watch dogspikes fly through the air like birds.

Yet, with all the shifting, with all the removal of what I thought I wanted here...there is still shade, there is still moss on the ground in the side groves. There are flowers underfoot, around the rails, and crawling up the slopes of the hill. I smell burdock, blue columbine, honeysuckle, silverweed and sand verbena. The nodding heads of shooting stars, the glossy blues of grapeholly, the tangle of marionberry vines, the fiery red of paintbrush blooms I pick out in the gathering dark.

Sounds of engines coming in, sounds of cars clamped together and leaving, but at either end of the valley, the rails stop. The trains just move along them, fading into mist and steam when they hit the missing sections, and I wonder where they're going. I also wonder if they'll come back.

And I wonder if it bodes good or ill, in the long run. Even in the short term, it's puzzling. After all, nothing's on fire...yet.