All right! I'm just digging up all the old pictures, huh? Well, I did mean to post this before now, but I put it in a folder labeled "deal with this" and...I kept not. Dealing with it.

Pattern of a life, really.

Anyway...Pictures from the holiday fête.



At this point, I'm not going to have a lot of commentary on these, save to say that this first set are mostly shots from the afternoon dance.



Most of the big events at Sakura are now split into a noon-to-two (ish) pm, SLT slot, followed by a seven-to-nine (ish) pm, SLT slot.

Komnene's in the center of this shot, being subsumed by a butterfly's stained-glass skirt.



This year, Duchess India Canning couldn't find a tree she liked enough for the ballroom, so she was darned well going to make it herself. It looked amazing.



Closer shot of another side of the ballroom. I'm in the gold dress.



Another angle on the ballroom.

More to come next entry!

(Continued from the last part.)



Well, drawing the circle out and activating it did do one thing--it shrunk the rift significantly. So that's not all bad.

So let's see...been a while since I went back to the basics...I'm no longer, strictly speaking, a practitioner of the Gnostic forms, but they are familiar, and I can call them without too much in-depth thought.

"I face North, and the thing to be banished. Oraiael, Aphreudasos, Armedos, Arros, guard me and mine to the North. I send out the red light of truth."

It's coming back. good.

"I face West, and ask guardians to watch from this direction. Daveithe, Laraneus, Epiphanios, Eideos, I call upon you. Guard me and mine to the West. I send out the azure light of strength."

I was beginning to wish I'd picked another outfit other than pink-dotted ruffles and pink pumps, but...it's not really about the outfit, is it? The single best invocation I ever heard was by a guy in Texas who stood up in jeans and a t-shirt, turned to the four directions, said "Hey. It's me. Come on in..." And that circle LOCKED into place, strong as steel. It was amazing.

"I face South, and ask guardians to watch from this direction. Eleleth, Kodere, Epiphanios, Allogenios, guard me and mine to the South. I send out the green light of life."

Really, at the end of the day, it's about intent, not trappings. I like the formality for some ritual work, but it's really not necessary. What works for one practitioner doesn't always work for another, and that's no bad thing. Everyone has their own way to work.

"I face East, and ask guardians to watch from this direction. Harmozel, Orneos, Euthronious, Mazzareus, I call upon you. Guard me and mine to the East. I send out the yellow light of intention."

So...what was the last bit again?

"I kneel at the center, and ask guardians to watch inside and out. Aeon of Aeons, guard me, cover me in white light. Sophia, guard me, drape me in blue light. Gamaliel, guard me, drape me in orange light. Samlos, guard me, drape me in indigo light. Jibrīl, guard me, drape me in violet light. Abrasax, guard me, drape me in your shadows."

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale...Draw the signs, remember the protections.

"Iao, Barbelo, Pigeradamas, Christos, Sophia, amen. In nomine Matri, et Patri, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti...amen."

That should do it.



Tch. And Enoch slept through the whole thing. Some heir to the mage's throne you are. Sheesh.

But it should hold for now. It's patchwork, make-do, I can work up stronger, more permanent things later. And we do have that move coming up, to Gearhaven Prime, from Gearhaven, Armada, and Carcosa-adjacent, so...maybe we'll leave the rift here.

Could be worse.

So there's a poet and singer I've been following for a while, Rosedrop Rust. I've mentioned him before on the blog, at least once, if only in passing. He's good. More importantly, he's got a great stage presence and can really work a crowd.

But two nights ago...things were...different.

That's when he performed at City's Edge again. He's performed there before, he generally opens for a singer named Oceane, German lady, really intriguing singer. But he's on first, easy manner, playbook of standards, good on piano, guitar, and keyboards that I've heard to date.



There was someone in the audience running a light show...Rusty tells me her name is "Kalyca Goes Overboard". Seems to fit.



And I kept losing sight of Rusty.



Hells, I kept losing sight of the stage. I mean, seriously, here, there's a light show, and then there's PARTICLE OVERLOAD.



And the colors were pretty, don't get me wrong. Some of the shapes were odd, but some were okay, it was just...WAAAAAAY too many of them, yeah?



And maybe, next time, don't occlude your performer, and the host, onstage quite so often?



It was seriously difficult to figure out what to look at--performer, stage, dancers, lights...dizzying, and not always in good ways.



And maybe don't blind your audience, because...this was the dance floor!

All in all, great show, but...TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS, sheesh!

Went up to check on the little ones again...and the rift...only to find the barrier orb had disappeared, or...been sucked in, or...something. Great.



All right, I see Cleo and Enoch, but...where's Athena?



Athena is our problem child. I just know it. If she's not hiding behind something, she's wandering towards the fireplace, or batting at the windows, or now, crouched next to the door, waiting for it to open. Good gods.

And the rift still needs to be closed. I guess it's time to get serious.

I carefully drew out one of the standard working circles, set it to radiate, stepped into it to begin casting...and Cleopatra followed me right inside.



No, no, sweetness, Mommy needs to do this alone. Go back to your brother.

This is going to be a headache, isn't it?

More to come!

I decided to put the pictures from the 15th Anniversary party at the Catgirl Dungeon on Flickr. I tried to keep actual names out of it...I failed here and there.

Also, the Catgirl Dungeon under the Guv'nah's Mansion does not exist.



The development of Gearhaven Prime continues, though the land will have a radically different shape than it did. But some things may not make the transfer over. NuTanis may be one of them.



To be fair, NuTanis was a grand experiment, and I was so overjoyed to watch it go up and get refined. And it's not like the Duke's lost anything that went into it. It's just that, between one thing and another...it may not be a part of Gearhaven Prime once we're finished.



The Mystic, on the other hand, will return, because Carcosa's getting its own level on the sim. Though, depending on where we put it, it may be on the sands, or it may still be raised. We're not sure yet.



Enough about possibilities. This was from another City's Edge show Rusty played. Justine and I went, and she tried to hit the stage for dance balls, and caught this instead. It had been on the roof, and one of the owners obligingly moved it to just above the stage. Where she happily danced the rest of his set, on fire.



She looked good doing it. Very retro. With the outfit and the outlining, almost a sixties vibe.



All in all, that was a fun night, too.

"The heart is knit by the pain that breaks it; the life is made whole by the death that starts it; the death is made whole by the life that ends it."
~~Diane Duane

(Continued from part II.)

More from the archives.

25 January 2012

Master,

I'm overthinking things again, but I'm thinking about talking with you last night, and I'm trying to find that dividing line. I still feel there's a rift, and maybe I'll always feel like that until--and if--we talk things out. But...I feel closer. So what I'm trying to decide is, can I adapt to a relationship that has occasional staggering pitfalls of doubt, and no explanations, and no apologies? Is that enough of a relationship? Or maybe it's just the relationship I have, and I have no choice, it's this or...nothing.

I don't want nothing. I do love you. I profoundly *hate* feeling shut out, though, and that's what I'm struggling with. And I have no guarantees right now that you're even reacting to any of the things I've said in previous letters, or that you're not simply remembering I'm here again.

Is it my lack of focus that's made you so distant? You don't want to get closer because you don't think *I'll* be there? And I don't know the answer to that, either.

This may be the only one paired with a second letter, because they were both fairly short.

26 January 2012

Master,

"Merely submitting is a good start, a declaration of intent, but not nearly enough.

"First of all, the submission has to be proven--to the sub as well as to the Dom. Every command followed, every lesson learned, every cruelty endured makes the bond deeper and more meaningful. Everyone can say 'I'll do whatever you want, Sir!', but at first that is just a fantasy. It even sounds like a fantasy. But only after you worked and suffered for every memory and experience it becomes a more realistic and now entirely believable 'I’ll do whatever I CAN, Sir!'.

"And second, there is a 'right' way to submit. But what that means depends entirely on the person who is in control. It’s not a specific role that is played, but the sum of the little experiences and lessons that shape the way the sub acts and feels. And it is not a conscious effort--quite the opposite. The only conscious effort the sub should make, in my humble opinion, is concentrating entirely on her little world, her Dom, and the task at hand. Everything else is learned simply through repetition and 'training'. The real beauty begins when the sub is doing precisely what pleases the Dom without any effort or conscious thought. Then she is truly his."

I am trying, trying with everything in me, to cling to that fingers-length of hope that all is not lost, in this. I feel less bereft than this day last week; I feel as if today is the first day I've been able to inhale, and relax, even if minutely. Then I came across this passage, and I'm pondering again.

Is this what I've been doing? Am I so desperately reaching for any kind of connection that I've fallen into "anything" and "whatever" modes of thought? Is that what you want? I know in the beginning you told me that you wanted someone to be Yours, but that it was additional to who we were, who we are to each other. I think I never took that seriously enough, because [ex] had said that too, in the beginning, and then the demands slowly escalated. And please understand it's not additional demands I would mind; it's the fact that I hear a similar phrase, and I think of the last time it was said, and wonder if they're similar circumstances. In my mind, demands escalate, and going from slow exploration, to the...the virtual, real collaring we'd reached (if that's the right phrase for it), and from then to...nothing? Months and months of nothing? I'm circling, and spiraling down, because I think if we're not advancing, then you're withdrawing.

But then I remind myself, this is you. You don't say things you don't mean. You say what you mean to say, whether it's expressing love, anger, confusion, conversation. You don't lie. No previous motives apply to you, ever.

But, I think that's also why I profoundly begin to doubt when you say nothing at all, because that *could* mean, maybe in fact *does* mean, that there are deeper things you don't feel like sharing with me going on. Things beyond simply being busy at work. Things I wonder if I could help with, at least in listening.

But again, I don't have the words to ask. Because that much has become pattern--I ask, I never get an answer anymore. And it's hard not to continually believe that.

More to come.

Part the third and last!



This is Lord Erik Wall, I believe.



And of course Mr. Soup Jonson. I am endlessly amused that the picture he sent in to be used for the ball had his name on it.

Though, considering my inability to remember...may have been a good thing after all!



Another shot of Miss Mizogoi, being invited to dance by Miss Willow Nova, I believe...



...who ended the night quite magically by levitating them both!

All in all, it was a lovely introduction to Caledon for new friends, and a lovely dance for Caledonians in general. I was pleased with how well it turned out. Kudos to the organizers.

Across the ISC chat this morning:

[10:26] Hxxxxxxxxx Rxxxxxxx: Stop by and visit Sir Mice R Delicious, Kat Nipper, Rebel Furrball, Kitty Purness and Lady Kittenpaws at Whybrow Memorial Park in Southend. They need petting!
[10:37] Emilly Shatner-Orr (emilly.orr): My goodness. When did the Whybrow Memorial Park get kittens? I have obviously not been there enough.

So...I went. Knowing my mood was fragile, knowing it would probably lead to tears...I went.



I'm morbidly amused, still, that Caledonians must risk death by rapacious trolley-car to enter a memorial park.



And there are the kittens. Hello, kittens!



And there you are, old friend.

I miss you. I am honest enough to admit you weren't the heart stike that Sumie was, just because it was so shockingly sudden, when she went. But you and I both knew you were going. And we both knew there was nothing to be done. Which resulted in a much more prolonged ache.



I was the best friend I knew how to be, both in being your friend in the first place, and during those final months. Which, being me back then, likely meant flighty and distracted and occasionally bizarre, in presentation and communication...but anyone who knows me knows that. You knew that.

You never seemed to mind.

But yes, some days, it still hurts. Your passing. Sumie's. People in my RL who've left the puzzle of flesh. Grief ebbs, and evens out, but sometimes the wave washes in and drags me under, still.



I have kittens of my own now. I don't know if you'd have been surprised by that. Likely not--half the time I was running around as a cat, or a bunny, or some composite creature with antlers and hooves.

You never minded that, either.

I'm partnered now, too. You might have liked him. He would have struck you as terribly bold and brash, but...you might have seen the heart I see, the soul beyond the skin, and understood. You understood a great deal, in your quiet, unassuming fashion.



But I will always miss you. Some days it hits harder than others. Fact of life, innit. And I'd always rather miss someone, than be blithely unaffected by the passing of a friend, so that's by design, too.



And Lady Kittenpaws is off the parcel. Because of course she is.

If you care to, you can visit the Whybrow Memorial Park in Southend. 'Ware the trolley, of course, but that's a known hazard.

Back for part two!



Such a lovely dress. She looked like a sunset. No idea now who she was. (Anyone who wants to help, feel free, and I will make corrections!) [[Now informed this is Miss Kay Cooper!]]>



Not a newcomer, I just adore this portrait of the Lyonesse, Kamilah Hauptmann. Really well done.



This is...Miss Mizogoi? Was Mizi ever blonde? If anyone knows... [[Late entry from the Editrix: Someone does! This is Miss Ithela!]]



And this is Miss Violet Scrivener. If anyone needs a DJ for electroswing or transglobal tunes? Plus any of the handful of other genres she favors...she's happy to take on gigs to entertain.



And Miss Justinejohndory Amethyst, Attache to the House of Gearhaven, Companion in training, and more than willing to find trouble at any time, any place.



Which brings us to...um...this lovely lass, who is...??? [[Late entry from the Editrix: This is also Miss Kay Cooper!]]

One more coming!

Let's talk about the Newcomers' Ball!

So, this happened several weeks ago, if not months, and I'm only posting it now because I forgot where I put the folder of photos.



Every formal dance needs a wraith, right? [Insert from the Editrix: Miss Justine has pointed out, repeatedly, that this is Grimoire Hexem. Yes, I know. EVERYONE knows. But sure, posting for the uninitiated--that's Mr. Hexem, one of Caledon's resident demons.]



I had notes on all this, too, I'll try to find them. I know the fellow is Soup Jonson, I don't remember the lass he's dancing with. Mr. Jonson was new to Caledon this year, or the year before. One of those. [[Late entry from the Editrix: This might be Miss Ithela?]]



Mr. Wordsmith Jarvinen, of course, can't miss that circlet anywhere. And...again, my memory fails me.



Miss Mizogoi (on the left) and Miss Justinejohndory Amethyst, on the right in the purple. Justine was new to Caledon this year.



Miss Tashi Kai, also new, I believe, and I did have better pictures that showed her face, but...there was just something about this pose, the wildness of her hair, the total abandon to the dance...I had to put this one up.



And finally, Miss Stereo Nacht (the little penguin). Miss Nacht is in NO wise new, but a happy figure of much regard in Caledon, lo these many years. She was actually dancing around the tiny donkey, but this particular image looks like she's sitting on it!

More to come!