More from the archives.
23 January 2012More to come.
Master,
I am finding out how thin my veneer of self-esteem really is. I'm trying to break it down into separate components, and I'm working on rebuilding, but I'm understanding now that part of the cracking of that very thin veneer happened when you started ignoring me. I know I invest heavily in those I love; I can be hard to cope with, I can be high maintenance, and I'm never sure I'm worth the effort spent on me, but believe me, I do notice that effort. Especially, I notice it when it's gone.
You got busy. I get that. I've said that before, I *do* understand, honestly. But all previous times you've been busy you've always had...something. A hand on my hair, a few words, and I survive on the small things.
But...what, three or four months, now? Whenever it was that things got so hectic, you went away, for the weekend that turned into the holiday that turned into that extended vacation, and when you came back....everything seemed to stop.
Am I misremembering it? Perhaps they tapered off over a longer period of time than I recall, but to me, at least, it seemed quite sudden. One month was fine--or at least, broken in understandable ways--and the next month...you stopped talking to me.
Why?
And then there's the talking, period. After everything, you said at one point, we'd have to take some time and talk everything out. You were waiting for the right time, you said. That time never seemed to come. I kept waiting, but I didn't think I should ask about *when* we'd be talking, I just wanted us at some point *to* be talking. I thought you'd made it clear. And I've been waiting as patiently as I can, but I think the longer it sits, the longer things aren't going to be resolved.
The bigger problem is, I keep going back to the basics. I love you; I'm sure of that. But I'm mad at you, and that's true, too. I want you to talk to me, but I don't know how to ask for it. I know I'm willing to ask in print, but you never answer.
You *never* answer. Why don't you ever answer? Is it too hard? Do you no longer care? These are the questions I keep coming back to, and it gets worse the longer we go on. I've gone from "you're busy so I must be patient" to "Do you even love me anymore?"
In another month, two, three...will I move from insecurity and doubt to solid acceptance that you don't care? Once I hit there, then what happens?
Do you even want to prevent me from drawing the wrong conclusions?
And if I ever send these missives off...will you fail to answer them, as well? Because that's what hurts the deepest--not being ignored; not being dismissed because right now, I'm less important than the things you need to do (and I understand that, I *do* understand that, because that much *is* true--I *am* less important than the real issues of your life); but the fact that I ask questions, questions I (at least think I) need the answers to, and the fact that you don't respond.
And while you never answered all questions I asked, you did answer *some* before. And that was okay. But over the past few months, you've stopped answering anything. It's like I'm speaking in a void, a vacuum. And *that* has been telling me, over and over, in quiet and harmful ways, that you *don't* care, that you're just waiting for me to leave.
I don't like thinking that. I really don't. I'm trying very hard to hold that locked into a specific place, so it doesn't wander and create more doubt. I don't like doubting.
But you're helping the doubt thrive, right now.
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