Tuesday, September 11, 2012

but yesterdays have no importance, they were devoured by stormy seas

From a Skype conference of friends:

[2:32:57 AM] Emilly Orr: "Aphiel Sielyr Cassielah"
[2:32:59 AM] Emilly Orr: The bio:
[2:33:50 AM] Emilly Orr: "The Physicals:
Height: Seven Feet, Three Inches.
Weight: Two Hundred Thirty Five Pounds.
Hair Color: Ashen Silk with Crimson Tints.
Eye Color: Bright, Sparkling Ruby.
Wing Color: Jet with Crimson Streams.
Bust Class: E."
[2:34:19 AM] Emilly Orr: "Race: Fallen Astral Deva (Erinyes)
Original Home Plane: Celestia.
Current Home Plane: Phlegethos."


Okay, so she definitely wins points for Most Pretentious Character Name. But she didn't stop there. I'd also point out that no woman on the planet would refer to her bust size as a "Bust Class". Period.

[2:36:14 AM] Emilly Orr: "[Face/Head]:
Aphiel's face is composed of sharp features. A deviously knit brow brings a valley between the curves of her forehead. Ashen bangs of strewn silk decorate over the smooth surface almost always. The devil's eyes burned of lasered, ruby fire, and her plump, plush crimson painted lips almost always held a pouty allure of twitchy prowess over her facial expression. Aphiel's mane was long, and very well cared for, and was almost always scented a sweetness that resembled a vanilla hinted rose of sorts."


Okay, let's talk about this "ashen silk" nonsense. Silk is a fabric. It can be a substance. It can definitely be a texture. IT IS NOT A COLOR. "Ashen silk" means NOTHING to anyone with a brain.

Also, she flew off before I could grab a shot of her, but she had black hair. Black hair with red-streaked bangs. So "Crimson Tints", okay, fine, I'll buy, but "ashen silk"? Bite me. You have black hair, deal with it.

[2:38:36 AM] Emilly Orr: "[Waist & Up]:
Aphiel's body was toned, but at the same time her figure was incredibly curvy. Sharp angles dipped downwards into sultry valleys before rising up to crest over tightly curved swells in rolling out into the plumper feminine features. Hips were full, rounded to a honed curve, and softness, but beneath the thin padded layer of smoothness was the mass of her muscled form. The surfaces of her right arm were almost entirely decorated in fiery inklings of red, and orangish yellow flickered licks. Talons were long, incredibly sharp, and painted a bright glossy black. Apheil's back was completely overshadowed in it's prowess by her massive wings. Sixteen foot spread, jet feathered."


Um. So she's muscled yet curvacious, with sharp planes and angles (which are in no way evidence of femininity, just pointing that out) that somehow, manage to land like tsunami waves onto the "plumper" feminine features. Bwuh? Also, she has full lush hips that still manage to reduce to sharp angles? That doesn't work.

And how many "surfaces" did she have on her arms? I think she means, she's got a lot of tattoos, but that's not what she said.

[2:39:39 AM] Emilly Orr: "[Waist & Down]"
Aphiel's waist was slim, curvy, tight, and extremely powerful. The curves of those hips roared out to just slightly overtake the lateral reaches of her bustline above bringing together her hourglassed features. A pair of choice pants that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Toenails painted red."


If you have a pair of pants that leave nothing to the imagination, and you're female, you're either in a Rob Liefield panel, or you aren't wearing pants. Flat out.

[2:39:50 AM] Emilly Orr: Oh, there is SO much wrong with this, but...at least she had a bio?

Sadly true. People in Champions Online generally don't write bios, and they don't read them. I'm not surprised at this point, I'm just resigned.

No comments: