Thursday, February 1, 2007

why does it hurt when my heart misses the beat?

I have this feeling he still doesn't trust me, this new man of mine. I think part of it's due to the fact I'm still active in the sim that fired him; that I still speak to people who hurt him deeply. I'm not saying the conflict of interest isn't there, just that, for my own peace of mind, I'm trying not to further conflict of any kind.

But I get the feeling he's unwilling to come closer, and may, in fact, have gone back to drifting farther away. And I'm so bad at stepping forward and saying, hey, I think this is happening, talk to me....tell me why you're leaving.

My compatriot in controversy tells me if I don't go after what I want, if I don't talk to him, that she's not going to tell God about the new title she's come up with for me.

She says if I let him pull back, let him go, because of some obscure need to not 'burden' him with my presence, and my joy in him, and my desire and my love...if for whatever reason I feel it might be better for him, to make his own decisions, independent of my feelings....then she's declaring me the Angst Angel. The self-generating perpetual angst machine. Devoted to my own destruction.

::sighs::

And she may not be wrong.

Okay, so now I watch and wait for him in world, and if he comes in, we talk, and hopefully he has time.

And if he doesn't, or doesn't have time...then I use his email for the first time.

::sighs again::

Love sucks.

Current build project: Revising the rickety abandoned hideout so that it's liveable for a demon and a kitten. We'll see how it goes. We don't hold great hope.

2 comments:

Stiv Rych said...

Angst Angel? Nah.
I think Bouncing Angel sounds better than that. Midnight made that one. Remember those new dominions of yours now.

emillyorr said...

Good gods. Superballs, boob jobs (?!?), bad checks and...BAYWATCH RERUNS?!?!

WHY GOD WHY???

God's a bastard.